by Anna Scott
“Young lady, your mother is very upset that you haven’t come by for a visit. She says that it’s been over a month. That’s extremely selfish, don’t you think?” This wasn’t really a question he wanted answered. Any excuse I had, would be deemed not good enough. So, I kept my mouth shut and waited. “You need to be here next Sunday, after church, for your sister’s birthday dinner. Do you think you can at least manage that?”
“Yes, sir. I’ll be there. I am on call though, so it is possible I’ll have a last minute emergency.” I knew exactly what his response would be to that statement. Thankfully, I’d only been called away from a family event once for my job. Otherwise, my father would have likely lost his mind.
“Work, really Hope? That sounds like quite an excuse, don’t you think? You need to find a husband. If you weren’t so obstinate and selfish, you’d already be settled and wouldn’t be doing that type of thing.”
His disgust with me working was ridiculous. My mother and sister didn’t work, their job was to jump and fetch for their demanding and unappreciative husbands. That was not a job that I ever wanted to have.
“Yes, sir.”
“Don’t you mock me, young lady. You’re such a selfish little bitch. I can’t believe you behave the way you do, gallivanting all around town, dating men like some whore. You need to move back in with us, we will get you married right away. Your husband will need a heavy hand to deal with you, not that any self-respecting man would want you now, used and discarded. Respectable men don’t want trollops, Hope. You know that, don’t you? You know that no one is going to want to marry a jezebel who has a wicked tongue and loose morals. I can’t believe your mother and I even raised you. She was too lenient with you. Allowing you to date that Nolan boy behind my back. A slut, even in high school. You should have gone to a good Bible college, not some state school in Mississippi.”
I listened as my father droned on and on and on and on, so long, his sentences stopped making any sense. I wondered if I ever had the nerve to record one of his rants. Would he recognize how crazy he sounded if I played it back for him? Probably not.
Promising to attend my sister’s birthday and to call my mother this weekend, I was finally able to get off the phone with him. It had been years since I moved out of his house, I would never go back there to stay again, not even for one night.
Listening to his illogical yelling, that got louder and louder as he went on, I thought of Jake and his behavior. At least he made sense. I could almost understand where Jake was coming from. He was extremely emotional though, flying off the handle when things were overly stressful.
…
Hail Mary, full of grace
Our Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Repeating the prayer for at least the fifth time, I knelt in the vast cathedral, bowed my head and reflected on my own life. The choices I’d made, the mistake and regrets. I thought a lot about Nolan and wondered how I could have helped him. If I’d spoken more openly to Aurora and his friends about his PTSD and his guilt, would he have gotten the help he needed? I thought back to the night Aurora brought me the letter he’d left me.
Hope,
I am so sorry to leave you, sweetheart. You’ve been the one person in my life to never judge. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I will forever be grateful for our friendship. What started with a nervous boy asking a shy girl out, turned into something more beautiful than I could have imagined.
You have brought me through some horrendous times, your shoulder always ready and willing to accept my defeated tears. Going through all you have in life, could have turned you into a different type of person, closed off and bitter, but you fought that and are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.
Please know, had it not been for you and your support, I probably wouldn’t have made it as long as I did. You did everything you could have for me. You pushed me to get help, you encouraged me and loved me. Your friendship was my saving grace.
I know that you will blame yourself for my decision, but know, I’ve made this decision because of my own demons, it isn’t because you didn’t do enough for me. Never think that. You were always ready to support me and lift me up. I’ll always love you and appreciate the woman you grew into. You are truly one of my closest friends.
Please, live your life, take risks and venture into new and exciting places. Find your true love, the one who was made for you. Give yourself fully to life, and appreciate every day you have. Know that you are a special woman who deserves to be cherished and admired.
Nolan
Tears streamed down my face, thinking about the despair Nolan and Celeste both must have felt when they chose to end their lives. I thought of all the others around them who would be affected by those decisions. I prayed for Marianna, for Luke, Aurora and even Jake. I prayed for all the guys and their own emotional state after Nolan’s death.
Once the service was finished, Bernadette, Roger, a volunteer with Freedom House, and I walked Marianna back to Bernadette’s car. She’d driven Marianna and Roger here tonight and would take them back. There had been no issue, no drama, thankfully. Marianna’s husband had stayed away after one look at Roger.
He was a six-foot-three hugely muscled man. His dark Hawaiian skin tone, black eyes and black hair made him look menacing to the much smaller, older man. Roger’s father had been extremely abusive to his mother and their seven children, so Roger volunteered to help with security for the shelter’s women and children when needed. He was an asset.
Pulling out my phone, I powered it back on and waited. Once it was fully functional again, I ignored the three additional texts and sent one to Aurora, letting her know that I was going to stop in at O’Reily’s, a local dive-bar for some excellent and unhealthy bar food on the way to her place. It wasn’t late yet, so an hour or so on my own, but still in public, was exactly what I needed. I received her text back, then made my way to the bar.
Taking a table toward the back, I ordered chili cheese fries and a beer from the very friendly waitress. She was an older woman who’d obviously seen hard times in her life, but whatever she’d gone through hadn’t stopped her from being kind.
I thought about that and about what Nolan had said about me. I didn’t want to be bitter and angry. I guessed he was right, I could have been those things, but I’d worked hard to get over my past and move forward in a positive way. It was only lately, with the increased fear caused by Tim and his antics that I found myself slipping into those old defensive patterns again.
I’d been striving to keep that fear at bay lately since the day I broke down at the police station. I felt powerful when I had all the information available and could make decisions for myself.
That was one of the big issues I had with Jake, he’d withheld information from me that directly pertained to my own safety. I couldn’t protect myself adequately if I didn’t know when there was an additional threat. He couldn’t be by my side one-hundred percent of the time if we continued dating. No one could. Someday, I’d have to find the strength to fight back and to keep myself safe.
“Hope? Is that you?” I heard called from my left. Swiveling my eyes in that direction, I saw Trent striding toward me.
“Hey, Trent. What are you doing in here?” I asked, just as the waitress walked over with a heaping pile of chili cheese fries and my beer.
“Same as you, it looks like. They have the best greasy food around.” I smiled, appreciating the mischievous gleam in his eye. He was wearing a tight navy blue T-shirt and perfect over-washed jeans that fit his sculpted thighs and butt just right. One of his many tattoos peeked out from under the short sleeves of his shirt.
I’d seen him in board shorts a few times and knew that there were a lot more w
here that came from. His stomach, chest, back and upper arms were covered in art. He was the resident bad-boy of the bunch. When he was all buttoned up in his sheriff’s deputy uniform, he looked clean cut and sweet, but as soon as that starch and polish came off, he was all Rebel without a cause.
“You mind?” He asked, motioning at the empty chair opposite me.
“Not at all.” Smiling up at him, we engaged in small talk. Trent had the day off and hated to cook, so he’d come down here for a beer and something to eat. He ordered a plate of heaping nachos from the waitress. I couldn’t finish my food, but Trent polished his off without any trouble, then started in on mine. I raised a brow in surprise at this and he just grinned at me.
After giving Trent the rundown of my day, I realized I’d polished off my fourth beer.
“I need to call Aurora and see if Luke can come down here and pick me up.”
“Not Jake?” Trent asked, what seemed like innocently, but I couldn’t be sure that he didn’t know about our fight. I didn’t know how close the men were or how much they shared with each other.
“No, I’m staying with Aurora and Luke for a while.” I answered matter of factly.
“Don’t bother them, I can take you. I’ve only had one.” He chuckled as he lifted his bottle to show me. I agreed and we went back to our easy conversation. Trent didn’t ask me what had happened with Jake and I didn’t mention it.
“You know, it would probably be a good idea for you to take some self-defense classes, maybe even get a concealed carry permit if you’re comfortable with guns.” Trent mused.
I thought about the idea, nodding. It definitely had merit. If nothing else, I would be taking control of my own life again. I’d feel better knowing how to defend myself. I’d taken a couple of classes after Tim and I broke up, but it had been a long time. I was definitely rusty.
“That sounds great. I’ll look into it.”
“I can help. I actually teach a women’s self-defense class at the Y twice a week. It uses martial arts principals, focus and movement, but teaches women how to use their size and strengths to defend themselves against much larger predators.”
“Really? I didn’t know you did that. It sounds great. I’m so small, it would be great to know how to take care of myself.”
“It’s important for women to be able to protect themselves. Even if they’re married or whatever, they will inevitably be alone and vulnerable at some point. I’ve got older teens all the way up to women in their seventies who take my class. It’s a good mix.”
“Thank you, I’ll do it.” I felt excited about something for the first time in weeks. Aside from the sexual excitement I felt with Jake, of course, this was the first time I felt truly empowered in ages.
“Do you know how to shoot?”
“I do, but I haven’t practiced in a while. I used to go to the range with Nolan.” I watched as a sad smile crossed Trent’s face. We both looked down at the table, remembering our lost friend.
After another hour, I gathered my stuff as Trent paid the bill. I protested him paying for mine, but being the lifelong Texan, he was, he wouldn’t let me pay. Trent grabbed the bags from the trunk of my car, transferred them to his truck and we went to Aurora’s house.
Pulling up, Trent retrieved my bags once more and followed me to the house. The shock on Luke’s face, seeing Trent carrying my things was so funny, I actually laughed. I heard the men exchange greetings as Aurora came into the living room. Wrapping me in a big hug, we held on for a few minutes.
Leaning down, she whispered, “We can talk about everything after you’re settled,” into my ear. She released me, helped me get the bags from Trent and we plopped them on the guest bed.
Trent said his goodnight, leaned in to give Aurora and then me hugs and cheek kisses, then promised to call me about going to the range on Sunday. I watched Luke give Aurora a questioning look. Her return glance was a raised brown and flattened lip. She was obviously not happy with him for wondering if I was jumping from Jake’s bed to Trent’s. Men were kind of stupid that way. Did he really think I’d do that?
Luke spent thirty minutes going over the security system with me, talking to me about sensors, motion lights and general safety. I didn’t want to remind him that the set up here was almost exactly the same as Jake’s, and I only needed the codes. Instead, I listened attentively.
Finally, Luke was finished. I said goodnight to them both, promising Aurora that I’d get up and help out at the store in the morning. Getting ready for bed, I went through my normal routine and settled in for sleep. Picking the phone up from the nightstand, I woke it up and read through Jake’s texts. They were all apologies, requests to talk and questions about where I was. I sent him one back, asking for space.
Saturday morning dawned bright and beautiful. I felt refreshed from a good night’s sleep, got dressed in running clothes and walked out to the kitchen. Catching Luke and Aurora in a lip-lock, I giggled and backed out of the room.
Going back to the guest room, I laced up my shoes and waited a few minutes, hoping they’d be done when I went looking for coffee again.
“Good morning.” I called loudly as I turned the corner into the kitchen. Thankfully, they were now on opposite sides of the room.
“How did you sleep?” Aurora asked, in her cheerful voice.
“Great, thanks. Is there coffee?” She smiled and nodded toward the pot.
“You going for a run?” Luke asked. Turning to look at him, I saw he was sitting at the table tying his own shoes.
“Yeah, just need some coffee first.”
“I’ll run with you, okay?” I hesitated, it was difficult to run with someone else, especially someone you hadn’t run with before. I was sure though that the safety aspect was Luke’s larger concern, so I agreed. After a full cup of liquid heaven, I grabbed a water bottle and we began our run.
It was a different experience, running with Luke. Jake seemed to be able to match my pace with ease, Luke tried to do the same, but his efforts were more noticeable. We didn’t speak during the run, but it was great to get out, clear my head and really take in the fresh air.
This was my favorite way to relax and unwind. I thought back to the night Jake and I had argued. I considered what my part in the fight had been and what I could have done differently. I didn’t come up with any answers, I still didn’t know if I could be with a man like him, long-term, wasn’t sure I could form a healthy relationship with an overbearing man, but I was able to look at everything more objectively.
After an entertaining morning at Indulgence, Reed strode in the front door with a huge smile.
“Well, hello ladies. Looks like I get to take two beautiful women for lunch today.” His gregarious manner was infectious. I chuckled, and Aurora out and out laughed. The huge man was so funny, easy going and all around a gentle giant.
“You have a craving for Thai again?” Aurora asked him, obviously they did this all the time. I knew that Reed had a serious obsession with the Thai restaurant by Aurora’s store.
“Yep, honey pork is calling my name.”
“You just like the penis sauce!” I heard Amber call from the back of the store. Thankfully, no customers were inside right now.
“Penis sauce?” Reed sputtered in surprise.
“Yeah, I love peanut sauce, but mostly because when you say it, it sounds like penis sauce. What could be better than penis sauce?” She was absolutely crazy. It was such a ridiculous statement, all three of us started to laugh.
Aurora and I grabbed our bags and followed Reed out. We enjoyed our lunch, it was a great place, but when Aurora ordered extra peanut sauce, Reed and I laughed so loud, the server looked at us like we were crazy.
“So, what’s going on with Trent?” Aurora asked, right in front of Reed. I knew they were close friends, but I wasn’t close with him. It was just like her though to get right down to business.
“Nothing, he came in to O’Reily’s last night to grab food and saw me there. We ta
lked a while. I guess he teaches a self-defense class and suggested I take it.”
Aurora and Reed looked at each other, she nodded back at me and said, “Makes sense, that’s a really good idea. What about tomorrow?”
“He suggested I get a concealed carry permit and get in some range time, it’s been a long time since I’ve been shooting.”
“I think that’s smart.” Reed encouraged.
“Yeah, I agree. I wonder why Jake didn’t do that.” Aurora mused aloud. I had wondered that too, especially if his friend taught a self-defense class. He was so bent on my dependence on him, I wondered how healthy our relationship could be if he didn’t see me as someone who could care for herself.
…
“Hope, you ready?” I heard Trent shout from the living room. It was now Sunday morning. Aurora and I had pigged out on pizza delivery in front of the TV until bedtime. It was a great night, Luke worked, so it was all about girl time.
I’d told her everything that I found out when Jake and I got in our fight and she totally understood my annoyance. She was hesitant to agree with me about angry tirades, but she’d only gotten the brunt of it once, also, she and I didn’t share the same history.
I walked into the living room to find Trent, dressed in black running pants and a tight white tee. Seeing him, I relaxed. I hadn’t been sure what to wear, so I’d donned yoga capris and a racer back tank. Since we were going to the range, which to me, seemed like a workout type place. My hair was pulled back into a high, tight pony tail and my face was clean of make-up.
After two hours, my arms were sore and I was exhausted. We’d taken turns shooting, Trent showed me stances and how to best cup the grip, then I’d try, he’d correct my stance and move my fingers or hand into the right spot, but he always kept a distance. I never felt like he was moving into my body in a suggestive way. He was very friendly, but when we were at the range, it was all business.
