by Unknown
I saw Josh’s truck before I saw him. I rounded the last bend to the riverbank and parked next to him. He was standing at the edge of the water staring out over the gentle waves.
“Josh?” I called as I got out of the car. When he turned to me, he didn’t smile. He’s eyes were rimmed with red, his expression bleak. “I have to talk to you.”
“They’re about to cremate her,” he said stiffly.
“I know. I told them to call you. I know you said she has a will, but you just rushed out of the hospital room,” I stopped. His eyes darkened, his eyebrows furrowed.
“Then let them do their job!” he screamed at me.
He charged at me so I backed up against my car. Before I knew it, he had me pinned against it. His arms were on either side of my head, his palms were flat against the car door. His face was inches from mine. Anger radiated off of him.
“I-I’m sorry. They called me. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t move away from me. His blue eyes bounced back and forth between mine. “She’s gone Jenna. You need to let her go.”
What? What was he talking about?
“I don’t understand,” I said softly.
“I mean, she’s gone. She’s not coming back,” he repeated.
“I know that. I wasn’t trying to stop anything. I just thought you should talk to them first before they do anything.” My voice shook. His gaze was intimidating, but I couldn’t look away from him.
“She’s not your mother,” he said evenly. “You changed things. We had a plan and you can’t change things,” he raised his voice and pressed in closer to me. Now I was really scared. He was confusing me. I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t say anything about my mother, nor did I change anything with his.
“What are you talking about? I stuck my neck out, causing him to step back.
“You don’t know what I’m going through. You didn’t even like your mother. And then you come in at the last second and try to take over mine. Well, you can’t do that.” He yelled again.
“Take over? Josh, what are you talking about? I’m not taking over anything. I promise. I’m worried about you. You’re scaring me,” I bit my lip to hold back anymore words. I didn’t want to make him madder or say something I’d regret.
His eyes softened.
“You asked me to stay, remember? I stayed because you wanted me here. I wanted to be here for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are feeling. You’re right, I didn’t like my mother. Her death meant nothing to me. I’m sad about it, but nothing like the devastation I feel right now. Your mom isn’t my mom, but she treated me more like a daughter than mine ever did.” A ball of tears formed in my throat. “I can’t go back and fix things with my mom. But I can be grateful for what your mother gave me. Something mine never did. Love. Your mother was an amazing woman and I hope to be like her someday.”
I cupped his face in my hands and he immediately grasped my wrists. He acted like he wanted to pull my hands away but instead he slipped his hands up and covered mine. He slid his fingers between mine then wrapped my arms around him and pulled me into a hug.
“I just don’t know what to do now? How do I go on? She was all I had left.” His rawness burrowed deep into my heart to a place where I’ll never forget.
“You have me,” I whispered. If that wasn’t appropriate, I didn’t care. And neither did he, because he justsqueezed me tighter.
“Don’t ever leave me,” he whispered back.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I stayed another week with Josh. I called Brookhaven Community College and told them I’d had a death in the family. They gave me a week to come back before I’d get reprimanded for no attendance.
I helped Josh pick up his mother’s ashes. He set them on an end table near the front window in the living room. He’d said that she liked to sit there and watch him play when we were kids.
We also packed up her room. She hadn’t wanted to keep anything and requested that everything be donated. I’d pulled out the red dress I’d worn on Christmas Eve though. It was a beautiful dress and I just couldn’t let it go. I didn’t tell Josh, I just slipped it into a bag and hid it in my purse.
After all of her things were out of the room and the rest of the house had been cleaned and we boxed up of things Josh didn’t need or want, we sat on the couch in the living room. I sat at one end and Josh was lying down with his head in my lap. I absentmindedly stroked his shaggy hair.
“You need a haircut,” I mused.
“I know, it’s awful.”
“I think it’s cute,” I smiled.
“When do you have to leave?” he asked solemnly.
“Tomorrow,” I said matching his tone.
He hugged around my waist and buried his face in my lap.
“What are we going to do?” his said into my jeans.
“About what?”
“About us?
“What about us?” I asked and laughed. I was half joking but kind of serious. His questions were vague, and I was tired of vague. I needed to know what he was thinking about our future.
“What happens when you go back to school? To your boyfriend?”
I balked. I hadn’t talked to Andrew since I’d been in Riverview. I’d kept my phone off and avoided looking at texts or checking the voicemail. I knew he’d had to have called at least once. But he wasn’t as persistent as Josh had been.
“I have two years of school left and after that, I guess I’ll need to find a job or apply for a master’s program. What are your plans?” I’d decided long ago that I wouldn’t change my goals for a boy. I had a plan to graduate college and not turn into my mother. I was half way there.
“I guess I’ll be re-enrolling in school. I have a house here,” his voice trailed off. Our lives were heading in different directions. I wanted out of Riverview and he still seemed to want to stay.
“Do you want to stay in Riverview?” I asked.
“I guess,” he started, but paused. He sat up on the couch so he could talk to me face to face. “I don’t have any reason to stay.”
“You don’t,” I said. “You could move to Brookhaven. I know it’s big and you hate big cities. But it’s not that bad and they have an Ag program so you could just transfer all of your credits.” I smiled at him, happy that I’d thought of a solution.
“Where would I live?”
“With me, of course.”
“What about your roommates?”
He wasn’t questioning the viability of my solution, but rather, he was making sure that if he did come, we’d still be together.
“Lauren is living with her boyfriend next year. Stef and Michelle have gotten over their issues,” he gave me a funny look but I waved him off. I’d tell him all about the last four months some other time. “They can live together in our super cheap apartment. Or we can if they make other plans. Come one Josh. Please? You can’t stay here. This town isn’t the place for you.”
He contemplated my words. I knew this was the right plan. We needed each other. We loved each other. At least I think we did. We hadn’t said those words to each other since I’d been here, but I’d come to the realization that it was Josh all along who my heart wanted.
I’d have to have a conversation with Andrew. I dreaded the thought of it, but I couldn’t lead him on anymore. That’s what I’d basically been doing this whole time. I’d used him for my own selfish reasons and now I didn’t need him anymore. I hoped that we’d still be able to be friends in the end.
“Okay,” Josh said, breaking me from the thoughts of Andrew.
“Okay, what?”
“Okay, I’ll move to Brookhaven.”
I beamed. I threw my arms around him and pushed him down on the couch. He wrapped his strong arms around me and whispered in my ear, “I’ll always love you, Jenna.”
***
I left Josh in Riverview. He had loose ends to tie up with his mom and the house. I had loose ends to tie up
too.
Before I left, I stopped at my old house.
I walked up the broken cement steps to the front door with my mother in my arms. I’d come to let go. I unlocked the door and let is swing open, revealing the empty living room. I paused a beat before stepping in.
The only fond memories I had here were of last summer with Josh. Every other memory of my mom weighed me down. Her inability to love me and broken me and leaving her and this house behind were only start to rebuilding and fixing the damage she’d bestowed.
I walked back to her bedroom, opened the door and set the ziplock bag that contained her ashes on her dirty bed.
“This is where your heart was. If you even had one.” I sniffed back tears. “You were selfish and greedy and just a horrible person. But I’m not you. I’m better than you.” Words were stuck in my throat. There was so much I wanted to say to her. I wanted to yell and scream and tell her all the times she made me feel unwanted and unloved.
“I loved you mama. I don’t know why.” Tears spilled over my cheeks. “But even you deserve it. I love you and I forgive you.”
I tipped the bag over and emptied it onto the bed. I tossed the bag on the ground.
“You’re free now, of your demons.”
I backed out of the room and turned my back on her for the final time. I ran out of the house, not even bothering to lock it up. I slumped into my car and hugged the steering wheel, pressing my cheek against the cool leather.
I held my breath to stop the tears. I worked. I wiped my eyes and buckled myself in. I looked in the rearview mirror, grateful that I didn’t see my mother’s ashes in the backseat anymore.
A peace fell over me as I pulled away from the tiny yellow house. I left my past in the house, and only Josh remained. I never had to go back to Riverview and that thought is what truly set my free.
***
I was all but dreading seeing Andrew. Apparently I sucked at communications because I’d ignored him the whole time I was on vacation except when he called to ask how the deposition went. I was going to break up with him when I saw him. I wasn’t going to let his wild hair and piercing eyes distract me. I knew in my heart that I wanted Josh. He and I were meant for each other, I knew that now.
In the car on the long drive home to Brookhaven, I renewed my resolve to focus on school. I didn’t want to end up back in Riverview. I didn’t want to become a drug addicted drop out like my mother had become. I wanted to help those people get out of their cycle of addiction. And to do that, I needed to focus on these last two years of my bachelor’s degree and throw myself into any kind of volunteer work or student assistant programs I could find. I’d lost myself somewhere along the line. My attention had been on boys and drama.
I’d practiced what I wanted to say to Andrew. I’d even called Michelle to ask her advice, but she’d been distracted so I didn’t get much out of her. Every time I brought up Andrew, she’d changed the subject. I had planned to go home to the apartment first, but I didn’t want to chicken out of talking with Andrew so I head straight for his house when I got to Brookhaven.
I pulled into the driveway of Andrew’s house and took the steep steps down to his apartment one at a time. I said the words I wanted to say to him before I knocked. It was pretty simple; “Andrew, I’m sorry. I’m in love with Josh and always have been. Can we still be friends?” It sounded a little stale, maybe a little harsh, but I needed the point to be clear. I had been vague with both he and Josh and I didn’t want there to be any confusion.
I opened the door to his apartment, without knocking. I instantly regretted not knocking. Andrew and Michelle were snuggled together on the red leather couch, watching a movie. He had his arm around her and her head was resting familiarly on his chest.
An uncomfortable amount of time had passed before either one of them noticed I’d walked in. I almost cleared my throat, but Andrew glanced over at the door and jumped up when our eyes met.
“Hi,” I said, adding a pathetic wave.
Andrew smiled then creased his forehead causing his mouth to frown involuntarily. Michelle hid herself behind Andrew and returned my wave in an equally pathetic manner.
“Um,” I really didn’t know what to say, but it had been too long and no one had said anything besides me saying hi sixty seconds ago. Sixty seconds was too long when you walk in on your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend and your best friend minutes from making out with each other.
“Jenna,” Andrew finally said.
“Yes, that’s me,”
“I should go,” Michelle squeaked out. She pushed passed me and flew out the door.
“She didn’t have to leave like that,” I mumbled more to myself.
“What are you doing here?” Andrew asked.
“I, uh. I wanted to talk to you.” His awkwardness was throwing me off. He was usually so calm and collected and kept his emotions reigned in. Right now, everything from anger to frustration to sadness crossed his face.
“Yeah, about what?” he was mad. I wasn’t sure about what though. Was he mad that I walked in on him cuddling with Michelle? Was he mad that I just walked in without knocking? Was he mad that he got caught? He was still dating me. We’d confirmed our relationship status at some point as boyfriend and girlfriend, but the last three weeks had changed things.
“Us,” now I was the one squeaking. I didn’t like his dark look or furrowed brow. He didn’t wear anger well.
“Yeah, me too.” He stomped across the room to retrieve the pillows he’d flung and replaced them on the leather love seat. “Sit,” he commanded.
I sat where he and Michelle had just been, where he and I had been tangled before.
“Josh’s mom died,” I blurted out like it was going to make the conversation better somehow. It didn’t, it only made Andrew’s frown lines deepen.
“I know, Michelle told me.” He sat down next to me, a pillow between us.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I fiddled with my own fingers.
“What are you sorry for exactly?” He twisted around to see my response.
What was I sorry for? For ignoring him all break? For essentially cheating on him? God, I was horrible. I never thought I’d be that kind of person. But it wasn’t like he was my husband, we hadn’t made that commitment.
“For, ignoring you over break,” I said.
“That’s it?” he sat, wide-eyed, not blinking waiting for my response.
“Um,”
“God, Jenna. You think the world revolves around you. I gave you a pass because you’re hot and you had a shitty past. And then your mom just died, but you didn’t even seem to care about that.” He took a breath and continued on. “You just blow through every situation and assume that everyone is just going to bow down to you, that you can just get whatever you want and do whatever you please because you are you. You have no regard for anyone else. Look at your roommates. Stef and Michelle hated each other.”
“They made up!” I interjected.
“Yeah, but no thanks to you. You just blew it off.”
“How are they my responsibility?”
“Michelle is. Was. You brought her here. You stuffed two extra girls in your apartment, with Stef, without even asking her, then didn’t listen when she needed you. You were so wrapped up in me, that you ignored everything else. You haven’t even dealt with your own mother’s death and you throw all your time and emotion into Josh’s mom. A guy you’ve repeatedly said you hate and have no interest in ever talking to again and then suddenly he needs you and you go running. And you stay with him and blow me off. Me. Your actual boyfriend.”
I was completely deflated. Words had left me. I had no feelings left to expel. He was completely correct about everything, except maybe my mom. I had been dealing with it slowly, but that was beside the point.
“Jenna,” he started.
“No, I get it. You’re right. I’m sorry.”
I made it to the door before he stops me. He grabs my shoulders and blocks the door with his body so
I have no choice but to look and listen to him.
“Do you?” he asked.
“When?” I asked right back.
“When what?”
“When, you and Michelle? How long?”
He sighed. He dropped his hands from my shoulders and grasped my hand. He led me to the breakfast bar and offered me a stool, he sat on the one next to it.
“Michelle and I have been talking since I asked for a while now. She survived a car accident; she came out of a coma. Things my mom never did. I wanted to talk to her about her experiences. My thesis for my Master’s Degree is going to be about comas. It was research. Things just kind of progressed from there.”
“You needed to make out with her for research?” I quipped.
“No,” he half laughed, half sighed. “Jenna, you weren’t here. Mentally or physically. You were dealing with a lot. Your mom, the deposition, Josh. Did you know she’s been getting dizzy spells?”
“Yes, I did. She said she was fine,” I was suddenly worried.
“She is fine.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“That’s the problem,” he huffed. “Nothing is a big deal to you. You blow everything off.”
I’d had enough of his berating. I didn’t need this. I’d come here to break up and I think he’d succeeded effectively. I needed to leave with some dignity so I stood up and walked to the door.
“Goodbye, Andrew.” I thought I’d slam the door, but I closed it quietly and stumbled up the stairs. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I made it to my car and just sat there out in front of his house. I couldn’t bring myself to leave. My heart, which had already been stomped on had just been dragged around and left alone in the corner to die a slow death.
I leaned back and looked at the roof of the car. A small bit of the upholstery was peeling near the sun visor. I reached up to pull it, but I let my arm fall with a thud into my lap. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. It was just as well. I came here to break up with Andrew and he’d beaten me to it.
