by Pam Godwin
Contents
Dedication
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
Up Next
Two is a Lie
Three is a War
Other Books by Pam Godwin
Playlist
Acknowledgements
About Pam Godwin
For my readers
When you find the book that changes the tempo of your heart,
dance to that rhythm.
Never let it go.
Thank you for reading my stories.
Thank you for recommending them to your friends.
Thank you for believing in me.
My hands shake so badly the lip gloss slips from my fingers and clatters in the bathroom sink. Dammit, the doorbell’s going to ring any second, and I’m wracked with jitters. And other things. The horrible tilting sensation in my chest quakes with apprehension, grief, guilt. All the usual shit.
Breathe, Danni. It’s just one night. No expectations. No promises.
I brace my hands on the edge of the sink and stare at my frazzled, rawboned reflection. Jesus, I haven’t been this nervous since I danced at the mayor’s Christmas party.
Raising my arms, I sniff each armpit—sticky and odorless—and adjust the strapless top of my maxi dress. Am I showing too much skin? I glance down. Too much nipple.
I need a bra. But the straps will show. I’ll have to change the dress. Do I have time?
The doorbell buzzes, and the sound hits me directly in the stomach.
Shit, I can’t do this. I’m not ready.
I’ll never be ready.
I snatch the lip gloss. Dot, smear, rub. Then I roll Nag Champa oil on my wrists and neck. That’ll have to do.
Gathering the floor-length skirt of the dress, I exit the bathroom and pause in the square hall that adjoins the rooms of my tiny one-story bungalow. I close my bedroom door on the left and let my hand linger on the glass doorknob. If I have sex tonight, it won’t be in the bed I shared with Cole.
In the guest room on the right, racks of leotards, tutus, and sequined bra tops line the walls. No reason to shut that door.
Two steps take me past the galley kitchen, and I veer left into the dining room. There’s no furniture in here in lieu of the black Harley-Davidson softail that sits on a rug in the center. Shiny and polished as the day it was rolled in, it’s the only thing in this house I keep meticulously clean.
Out of compulsion, I stroke the soft leather seat and breathe through the deep agony it evokes. I miss you so damn much.
The silver band on my finger glints in the fading light from the window. I yank my arm back and move the engagement ring from my left hand to my right. It’s one of the many ways I torture myself, constantly switching the band from one hand to the other, testing my resolve. I should stop wearing it altogether, but the thought strangles me with godawful finality.
Baby steps.
Forcing my bare feet across the honey-wood flooring, I enter the sitting room and peer into the peep hole in the front door.
Outside, my date shoves his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and squints upward. Is he scrutinizing my droopy gutters? If I remember correctly, this guy installs vinyl siding for a living.
Mark Taylor.
He looks just like the photo my sister sent me. Late twenties. Clean-shaved complexion. Thin lips. Slender build. The setting sun reflects off his jaw-length hair, highlighting blond strands against the waves of brown. He’s handsome enough, but he isn’t Cole.
Stop it.
With a galvanizing breath, I plaster on a smile and open the door. “Hi.”
He stiffens, moving only his eyes as he gives me a full-body once-over. “Danni Angelo?”
“That’s me.” I step back and wipe my clammy palms on the dress. “Come in. I’m almost ready.”
His canvas sneakers remain rooted to the brick porch. “Wow. You’re…” He drags a hand over his mouth. “So much prettier in person.”
What picture did Bree show him? My sister’s been so obsessed with my nonexistent love life I let her set me up with one of her husband’s friends. I don’t know anything about this guy. I really don’t care. I just want to get this over with so she’ll stop nagging.
“I mean, your photo had me agreeing to the date immediately.” He grins and peruses my body again, lingering on my chest. “But Danni Angelo in the flesh is a knockout.”
“Thank you.” I shift uncomfortably.
Why is he staring at my boobs? I barely have enough meat to hold the dress up. Certainly nothing to gawk at. Must be the nipples. A peek down confirms it.
He seems to shake himself out of his stupor and steps into the front room. I twist the ring on my right hand while he takes in the brick fireplace, red velvet couch, orange armchair, and purple rug. He skips over the side table that holds the only picture frame I couldn’t bring myself to put away for tonight’s date.
I stare at the photo longingly. It’s my favorite selfie of Cole and me, taken at Busch Stadium three years ago when he surprised me with tickets to see the St. Louis Cardinals.
“Damn, that’s badass.” Mark approaches the dining room.
“Hmm?” Shoving away memories of baseball and Cole, I trail after him.
He circles the motorcycle and raises a brow. “You know how to ride this?”
I know how to ride on the back of it, clutching tightly to the man who left it behind.
“No.” I arrange my mouth in a smile. “Just holding it for someone.” Straightening my spine, I inch toward the hall. “I’m going to go slip on some shoes and—”
“I was thinking…” He steps toward me with his hands in his pockets. “Maybe we could hang out here? Order in some food and…” The corner of his lips crook up. “Get to know each other without trying to talk over the noise in a bar or restaurant?”
“Oh. Um…”
I actually prefer staying here to going anywhere with a man I don’t know. If this date goes to hell, it would be easier to kick him out of my house than try to catch a ride home.
Other than the blatant way he checked me out, he seems polite and unassuming. But what if I’m missing an undertone in his suggestion? Does staying here mean he expects sex? God, I need that. Like really, really need the hard, consuming sensation of a man inside my body.
Emotionally, however, I’m not prepared for that. The idea of intimacy with anyone but Cole feels like betrayal.
“It was just a suggestion, Danni.” His green eyes search my face. “If you’d rather—”
“I haven’t been on a date in three years.” I touch my flushed forehead, cursing myself for admitting that out loud.
“I didn’t know.” He gives me a gentle smile. “I should definitely take you out then.”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” I run my fingers through my hair, holding the blonde mess away from my face. “I’m just nervous and a little rusty at this. Or maybe a lot rusty. How does this work? Is sex expected on a first date?”
He chokes and covers his shocked grin beneath the cup of a hand. Then he clears his voice and sobers his expression. “You’re a straight shooter, huh?”
“So I’ve been told. You want a beer?”
“Sure.” He follows me into the kitchen. “To answer your question, I’m not expecting sex tonight. But I’m not gonna lie. I’m crazy attracted
to you.”
With my head in the fridge, I glance over my shoulder and catch his eyes on my ass a half second before he looks away. It doesn’t bother me. I work hard to keep my body fit, and it feels nice to be appreciated.
I hand him a Bud Light and open one for myself. “There’s a cozy place to sit out back. Beer and conversation without the noise. I can order pizza. No promise of sex. Sound good?”
“Perfect.”
Grabbing my phone, I lead him through the narrow walkway between the parallel kitchen counters and head toward the door at the other end.
“Love the style in here.” He taps his fingers on the green stove top and turns in a circle to take in the matching retro green cabinets, green tiles, and yellow-flowered wallpaper.
Five years ago, I bought the house from an old lady who hadn’t updated since the seventies. Room by room, I slowly remodeled but ran out of money to tackle the kitchen and bathroom. The vintage green in both rooms has grown on me.
“I like it, too.” I hold the door for him and step into the addition on the back of the house.
Once upon a time, this was my favorite room. The floor-to-ceiling mirrors, wall-mounted ballet bars, and varnished wood flooring were installed during the happiest year of my life, every screw and bracket set by the strongest, most loving hands I’ve ever known.
Mark chugs a gulp of beer and looks around. “So this is where the magic happens?”
A lot of magic happened in here, but that was before my entire world was ripped away. “I run a dance company out of this room.”
Cole made love to me tenderly, viciously, panting and grinding against every inch of this space. Now, the creaks in the floor, scratches in the wood, the shattered hole in one of the mirrors, every echo and dust mote is a painful memory scraping at the wound inside me. On the worst days, it’s impossible to walk in here without doubling over with grief. Tonight, I just feel…lost.
“No way.” Mark’s attention zeroes in on the pole at the edge of the room. “You have to dance for me.”
“I’d rather not.” I haven’t touched that pole in three years.
“Please?” His smirk twists with dirty ideas as his tongue slips out to wet his bottom lip.
“You know I’m not a stripper, right?”
“Your profile says you’re a dance instructor, but it doesn’t say what kind of dancing.” He meanders toward the pole and gives it a shake, testing its sturdiness. “This is a stripper pole.”
“Hate to ruin your fantasy, but I teach ballroom, jazz, ballet, and cardio dancing.”
I also belly dance twice a week at Bissara, a local Moroccan restaurant. But I won’t tell Mark that and give him a reason to start eating pastilla on weekend nights. Especially since I don’t know how this date will end.
“My classes require clothing.” I turn toward the nearest mirror and scrutinize my posture. Even when I’m not dancing, I’m conscious of proper poise and body alignment. A compulsion every dancer has. “The pole is for muscle toning.”
Not a lie, but not the full truth. I have a stripper pole in my house because Cole was a pervert in the best way possible.
An unwelcome ache trembles inside me.
“This way.” I open the back door and step onto the blacktop driveway that runs along the side of my house.
Mark joins me outside and nods at the yellow convertible MG Midget parked a few feet away. “What year is that?”
“1974.” I gather my hair against the soft breeze, relishing the warmth in the late-spring air. “It’s almost nice enough to take the top down.”
Driving with the wind on my face never grows old. I love it almost as much as riding on the back of a motorcycle.
He strolls along the winding brick pathway to the cushioned wrought-iron furniture. A massive hundred-year-old oak tree stands at the center of the small yard, mantling the sitting area with thick branches of foliage.
“How long have you owned it?” His gaze roams over the car as he reclines on the loveseat. “It’s in great condition.”
“I bought it my last year at Washington University.” I lower beside him, cradling the beer in my hands and battling the anxiety in my belly.
“You went to WashU?”
“Yeah. Four-year dance degree. I was twenty-two when I bought the Midget. So I’ve had it…six years. I’ve replaced almost everything on it just to keep it running. The Midwest winters eat away the undercarriage, but I can’t bring myself to sell it.”
I can’t afford a new car. Not that I care. The Midget gets me where I need to go, so it’s all good.
“Have you always lived in St. Louis?” he asks.
“Yep. My sister lives with her husband and daughter ten minutes away. My parents moved to Florida a few years back. You?”
“Born and raised here. Lots of family scattered around town.”
We fall into friendly conversation, order pizza, and finish off several more beers. I lose track of how much I drink, but I know I exceed my limit when my nerves and inhibitions give way to heavy limbs and flushed skin. He’s easy to talk to, has an attractive smile, and the beer tastes better than it has in a long time.
Over the course of the next hour, he inches closer and closer. So close his thigh presses warm and hard against mine.
“Is that patchouli?” His nose brushes the juncture between my neck and shoulder.
“Nag Champa.” My head tips back, and goosebumps pebble beneath his breath on my skin.
“You smell so good. Intoxicating.” Long tapered fingers skim over my collarbone. “So sweet and sexy.” He touches the hollow of my throat. “Incredibly beautiful.” His other arm slides along the back of the loveseat, hooking around my shoulders. “I want to kiss you.”
In the cloak of night, lulled by the hum of singing insects and the numbing effects of alcohol, I want that, too.
Turning my head, I pause with my mouth a hairbreadth from his, but I don’t have the courage to close the gap. It’s so dark his face is a nondescript shadow. He could be anyone.
He could be Cole, if only for a fleeting kiss.
I part my mouth, breaths quickening, and he dives in. A touch of lips. A hand in my hair. Fingers curling around my neck. I hold still, eyes closed, and imagine tattooed muscles and a dangerous smile.
Mark pulls in a shaky breath and traces his tongue along the inside of my bottom lip. A tiptoeing touch, hesitant and inquiring. Nothing like Cole.
“You can kiss me harder,” I whisper. “Deeper.”
He presses closer, bending over me and slanting his head to lick inside my mouth. Rolling my tongue with his, I try to surrender beneath the invasion, but the mechanics feel wrong, like I’m leading instead of following, straining instead of letting go. He doesn’t taste right. His lips are too malleable and thin. His jaw is too pointy, and his shoulders feel bony beneath my hands.
I keep at it, pretending his mouth isn’t pooling with saliva, hoping to fall into a mindless groove. That hope is dashed the moment he shoves a hand between my legs, hindered only by the long skirt of my dress.
I’ve never been a prude, but I’m reminded why the dozen lovers I had before Cole never lasted. Seduction is everything, and Cole knew how to ravish me with a single look.
Then he abandoned me.
I need to get over him. I know this, and to do so, I need to forget about sentimentalities and just have sex. It doesn’t have to be great. It doesn’t even have to be good. I just need to fucking do it already.
So I let Mark prod and dig at my crotch through the folds of the dress, mentally urging my body to play along.
Ten minutes of groping and sloppy kissing, and my pussy’s still as dry and frigid as my emotional state. Is it me? Am I so messed up that I’ll find a thousand faults in every man I try to be with?
I break the kiss and press my lips to Mark’s shoulder, discreetly blotting off his spit. “I’m going to grab another beer. Want one?”
“Okay.” He must think I can’t see him adjusting his di
ck in the dark, because he does so with an unsexy-like tug.
I slip my phone off the coffee table and make my escape inside. When I reach the kitchen, I dial Bree.
My sister answers on the first ring. “You’re supposed to be on a date.”
“It isn’t working.”
“Which part?”
“All of it. He’s nice, but I don’t feel anything.”
Her sigh billows through the phone. “You’ve known him all of ten minutes.”
“Two hours. There’s no chemistry. No sparks. Nothing. Nada.”
“Give him a chance.” Something crashes in the background, and she muffles the speaker through her shout. “Angel, I told you not to touch that!” Rustling noises scratch through the phone. “Danni, look, try to have an open mind, okay? These things take time.”
“It only took a fraction of a second with—”
“If you say his name, so help me God.”
“I’m trying, Bree.” I prop my elbows on the kitchen counter and move my engagement ring back to my left hand where it belongs. “This guy… He’s not right for me.”
“Are you attracted to him?”
“He’s cute.”
“So he’s cute and nice. Let him use those traits to clean the dust out of your vagina.”
I scrunch my nose. “I don’t understand how you teach first-graders with that mouth.”
“I’m looking out for you, Danni. Just think about all the orgasms you can have without worrying about batteries. Remember what that’s like?”
“Yeah.” I remember with sweet, agonizing longing.
“Then go jump on his dick.” She disconnects.
Kill me already.
At this rate, I’ll die alone, waiting for a man who’s never coming back.
I blow out an exasperated breath. It’s just sex. Or not sex. Either way, hanging out with Mark is the opposite of alone. I need this.
After a couple more minutes of waffling, I return to the backyard with my heart sprinting in my chest.
“You forgot the beers.” His lanky silhouette prowls toward me.
Shit. My mind is so flustered I can’t even think of an excuse.
He veers around me to stare down the driveway at the street. “You expecting someone?”
“No.” I join him on the side of the house and squint at the luxury sedan parked on the curb.
