by E. E. Cooper
There was a screaming, unsaid but hanging over the table.
“Dr. Sherman is concerned that you seem to be stuck in a negative spiral that’s getting worse,” Dad said.
I wound the napkin around my fingers under the table. Had she told them she’d caught me going through my own file, or had she been more vague? I didn’t know what I should admit to, so I stayed silent and stared down at my plate.
“We’re wanting to know if it’s a good idea for you to hang out with Britney,” my mom blurted out.
“Dr. Sherman indicated that she seems to be a big source of your stress,” Dad said. “Maybe creating a bit of distance would be a good thing.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I don’t want to avoid her.”
I couldn’t be sure, but I suspected my mom was pressing her hand on my dad’s leg under the table. They weren’t going to give up easily.
“If I pull away from Britney, then I’m giving in to all the stupid stuff running around in my head. I need to face up to things, not let them get the best of me the way they did at my last school.” I crossed fingers, hoping my parents would bite. The idea that I was willing to face my delusions might seem like a sign of progress to them. “Besides, Brit’s been through a lot. If I stop hanging out with her, that’s not fair.”
Mom’s mouth was pinched. “I don’t know, I still think for you the best thing might be to take some time.”
“There are only a few weeks of school left. If I pull away from Brit now, everyone’s going to wonder what’s going on,” I said.
“What everyone thinks isn’t important,” Mom said.
“But it is,” I said. “I have to go back there next year. It’s my senior year. I’m going to be captain of the field hockey team. I have friends.” I held out both hands. “And before you say it, I know that doesn’t seem important in the big picture. Look, Brit’s not going to be there next year, so this will be over soon. But if I make a big deal out of things now and stop being Brit’s friend, everyone’s going to hate me.”
I could tell my dad was wavering. He never said much, but I knew he’d been a bit of a geek in high school who’d liked chemistry class and playing Dungeons and Dragons. He hadn’t been bullied exactly, but he hadn’t had a lot of fun either. He liked the idea that I had a group of friends and was popular, or at least accepted.
“How about we compromise?” I suggested. “School’s almost over. You let me do what I think is best for the next couple of weeks and then I’ll contact the camp and tell them I would like to apply to be a counselor this summer after all. That will give me the distance from Brit.”
Last summer I’d worked at Camp Cedars Ridge. I’d taught swimming. It had been fun, but I hadn’t wanted to do it this year because I hadn’t wanted to miss the summer with Beth and Brit before they went away to college.
“Working as a counselor does show leadership skills,” Mom said. She looked at my dad to gauge his reaction. Dad nodded.
“Going back there would be fun,” I said. “Besides, I could use a few hundred more floss bracelets.” They smiled, and I could feel the tension in the room starting to loosen. “And since I’m going to be captain next year, doing all the swimming will help me keep in shape,” I added.
I could see my mom starting to give in. Summer break was just a few weeks away; even she could live with Britney for that long. “I’ll email Mr. Anthony right after dinner about putting in my application,” I said.
My parents exchanged a silent communication, and then my dad smiled. “All right, you’ve got a deal.”
“And Britney won’t apply to the camp,” Mom added.
My mom clearly didn’t know Brit well. Her idea of roughing it was staying at a Marriott instead of her preferred Four Seasons. No way was she going to spend the summer being followed around by a pack of preteen girls and sleeping in a cottage with a bathroom that always seemed to have spiders.
“Don’t worry. Brit has a summer job lined up at her parents’ office,” I said.
“Okay.” Dad lifted his glass of wine and indicated we should all toast. I raised my glass of milk to his. “Here’s to getting through the rest of this school year and a successful summer.”
“To summer,” I repeated, and we all clinked.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Britney pulled me into the art room. She danced in a circle, humming a song that I couldn’t quite place. She looked like she’d swallowed the bluebird of happiness. Maybe a flock of them. Brit grabbed my hand and waltzed me around the room.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re in such a great mood?” I asked.
“Because I’m a genius,” Brit bragged.
“Yeah, but we knew this,” I said, making her laugh.
“Okay, check this out.” Brit motioned for me to sit at one of the long art tables. She pulled her MacBook Air out of her bag and fired it up.
“Did you finish your final paper for government?” I asked.
“Even better.” Brit pulled something up online and then spun it over for me to see. It was Sara’s Facebook page. I stared at her and she motioned for me to look closer. It wasn’t her page; someone had made up another for her—the title was Slutty Sara with her picture for the profile.
Why don’t you fucking kill yourself?
I pulled back, shocked. It wasn’t the only comment. The whole page was filled.
Whore
Do you realize stealing someone’s boyfriend makes you shit?
Slut
How did someone so ugly get a guy anyway?
I bet it’s not just your oboe that you blow.
I scrolled down; the messages just kept coming. A sour slick of bile bubbled up in my throat. I turned to Brit. “Did you do this?”
She smiled. “Not all of it. I more or less got the ball rolling.”
“But people will know you set up the page,” I said.
Britney rolled her eyes. “Please, give me some credit. I didn’t use my own computer, and I sent the first few messages from a false account.” The corner of her mouth turned up with a twitch. “It might amaze you what I know to do with computers.”
My skin grew cold and clammy. Brit turned the computer so she could see the screen again. “I got things started with a few comments, but then people started to pile on. They’re sheep—all you need to do is get the herd pointed in the right direction.”
My mind was spinning. “Sara is going to be crushed,” I said.
A giggle slipped out of Brit’s mouth, and she made a big show of pinching her lips together. “Poor little lamb.”
Jesus, she was cold. Did she want Sara to kill herself? The hair on the back of my neck stood attention as the truth of the statement hit me. She did. She’d get a thrill from it, impressed at what she’d accomplished without having to lift a finger.
“The school is going to nail everyone on here,” I said, looking over the names. “You might have set up a fake account, but they didn’t. The police might even get involved.”
Brit sighed. “Yeah. They’ll take the page down too as soon as some adult sees it. I figure sometime tonight, tomorrow at best.” She jabbed me lightly in the ribs with her elbow. “That’s why I had to show you now.”
Did she expect me to thank her for making sure I got a peek? Or maybe she thought I would be impressed. And I couldn’t escape the feeling she was telling me as a reminder of what she was capable of doing. Should I tell her I knew she’d talked to Dr. Sherman about me? Maybe I could impress her with what I was capable of for a change.
Brit shut her laptop with a click. “We should get going. They’ve got year in review happening in the café at lunch. I don’t want to miss that.”
I blinked, trying to get my brain to catch up with where she was going. Every spring the yearbook staff did a slide show of photos and gave out awards for the dorky poll they had—best dressed, cutest couple, best hair, the kind of thing you’d list on a résumé as a life achievement if you were a total loser.
“Yea
h, sure, let’s go,” I said. I followed her down the hall. I was trying to act like everything was fine, but it felt like my feet weren’t connected to the rest of me. Every step felt like a controlled fall.
Brit looked at me over her shoulder. “I heard the yearbook group came up with some kind of honorary award for Beth. I said we would collect it for her. I think that would be nice, don’t you?”
I nodded. Beth’s face flashed in front of me. Beth could be flighty and careless, she was woefully disorganized at times, but one thing she never was, was cruel. She never teased anyone who couldn’t take it. She never hid a nasty comment by saying it was just a joke.
Beth would never do this to Sara. She wouldn’t have allowed Brit to do it either. Beth would be disgusted by this plan, and by the fact I was just standing there letting it happen.
I couldn’t do it.
I wouldn’t do it.
I stopped short. “Hey, I forgot something in my locker. I’m going to run back and get it.”
Brit’s nose wrinkled up.
“It will take me just a second. You go ahead in case they get started. I’ll meet you there.”
“Fine, but hurry up or you’ll miss the show.”
I flew down the steps to the B wing. As I came around the corner I narrowly missed slamming into Chester, the school janitor, as she carried a stepladder.
“Whoa those horses,” she said, putting her hand over her heart.
“Sorry, Ches,” I called over my shoulder.
I skidded past Officer Siegel’s office. She was standing there holding a Starbucks cup and a small paper bag. She watched me run past, and for a split second I thought she was going to call out and ask me to stop, but then the phone in her office rang and she turned and I was past her, rounding the corner.
I slid into the library, and when Ms. Hudson saw me she gave me a look and I slowed down. I skipped past the first few computer stations and took one on the end where no one could see over my shoulder. I couldn’t take down the page or delete any of the comments, but I could tell someone. It didn’t fix anything, but I might limit the damage by getting it down sooner. I pulled up the page and copied the address then opened another tab to log into my anonymous Gmail account and fired off a quick mail to Ms. Harding telling her about the page. I shut down the computer. I’d done all I could.
The hot lunch line wound its way out of the cafeteria; pizza Monday always drew a crowd. Brit must have been looking for me as she was at my side as soon as I walked in.
“You’re late,” she hissed. “They’re going to start any minute.” She yanked her head to the side where Jason sat at a table with a group of people. “Let’s go.”
That’s when I saw Sara. She was at a table near the window. A group of her band friends were laughing and joking, but I could see she was watching Brit and Jason together. She didn’t look angry, more hurt and confused, like she couldn’t figure out what had happened. She had no idea the shit storm that was raining down on her as she sat there. She must not know about the page yet. I hoped Ms. Harding could get the page down before Sara saw it. Some things you were better off not knowing.
“You excited?”
I jumped and searched my memory for the guy who jostled me in the side. I’d had a class with him a year ago. Ethan? Erin? “Year in review is always good,” I said. Evan! That was it. He was on the yearbook committee.
“You know, you won for best female athlete for the junior class,” Evan said, his voice lower. “I’m not supposed to tell anyone until it’s official, but . . .” He gestured around us. “No point in keeping it a secret now. Act surprised when Vanderfeld calls your name. Congrats.”
“I won?” I said.
Evan laughed. “Don’t sound so shocked. You kicked ass on the field this year.”
In that instant it was as if I could see through a portal to an alternate universe. When my name was called, Beth would have let out a loud whoop. She’d bend low and grab me around the thighs and heft me up into the air. I’d be whacking her on the back like I wanted her to put me down, but I would have felt like I was on top of the world. Winning was cool, but sharing it with Beth is what would have made it special.
“It’s here, Northside! Your year in review!”
A bunch of people pounded on the table, like riffing on a drum. The slide show started. A shot from the first day as people walked in, the freshmen looking years younger instead of just a few months. The homecoming dance, football games. Shots from the school play, the jazz band looking serious. The photos slid past, set to music. My hands were shaking.
As the various titles were called out there was applause and cheers. When they called my name for junior female athlete I walked to the front. The flash from Mr. Vanderfeld’s camera blinded me. I suspected it would turn out like a mug shot. I walked back to join Brit’s table.
“Put it on.” Brit motioned for me to slide my arm into the beauty-pageant sash that declared Best Athlete. She was wearing three; they draped off her like she was a maypole: Best Eyes, Hottest Senior, Cutest Couple. She fingered her sashes like they were prayer beads. “It’s the first time any senior has taken multiple titles. Mr. Vanderfeld told me they usually work the voting so the winners are spread around, but he thought there would be a student revolt if I didn’t win in all the categories I was nominated in.”
I sent up a mental prayer of thanks to Mr. Vanderfeld for bending the rules so she was in a good mood. “You are a bit of special case,” I said.
“I guess not everyone comes back from the dead,” Brit quipped.
“Just you and Jesus,” I said.
Brit threw her head back and laughed. She seemed almost drunk. Then her mouth shut with a click. I noticed she was looking over my shoulder. Officer Siegel was walking toward me. Brit’s expression tightened.
“Uh-oh. The liaison officer is coming this way,” Tyler said. “Someone’s in trouble,” he said in a singsong voice.
Siegel stopped at our table and looked down at me. “Kalah, can you come with me?”
Everyone at our table grew quiet and suddenly developed a fierce interest in their lunch. “Sure, what’s up?”
“Just come with me.”
I got up slowly. Brit’s jaw was tight, and she wouldn’t meet my gaze. I followed Officer Siegel out in the hall. People were streaming past us on their way to classes. When we got to Officer Siegel’s office, she shut the door behind me.
“Kalah, can you tell me anything about this Facebook page someone set up about Sara?”
I raised my shoulders as if the whole thing were a mystery to me. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.” Officer Siegel’s voice was sharp. “Your friend Zach told me about the page and that he was worried you might be involved. Minutes later I saw you running down the hall. I followed you to the library. After you left, the librarian told me which computer you’d been on. The page popped right up in the computer history.”
Shit. “Why would Zach tell you I was involved?” I didn’t expect her to answer, but the idea of it felt like a punch to the gut.
“It doesn’t matter why he talked to me. That’s not the issue. This is very serious, Kalah. Cyberbullying is a crime.”
“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” I said. It was the truth, but the words tasted like lies in my mouth. “I heard about the page and I wanted to check it out.”
“Who did you hear about it from?” Officer Siegel asked.
I shrugged again. “I don’t remember, people were just talking. I didn’t leave any comments.”
She stared at me across the desk. It was as if I could feel her crawling through my brain, looking in every nook and cranny for the truth.
“Did the page get taken down?” I put my hands under my thighs so I wouldn’t start tapping.
“Concerned for Sara, are you?” She didn’t wait for me to answer. “Ms. Harding has Sara in her office now. Her parents have been called. There’s nothing you want to tell me?” Officer Siegel asked.
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I wanted to tell her everything, but she wasn’t going to believe me. It looked like I was the one who was hounding Sara. She would think I was just trying to stay out of trouble. “No, ma’am,” I mumbled.
She shook her head disgusted. “Fine. Then I guess there’s nothing left to say, but I’ll be checking into this.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I tried to find Zach before first period. He hadn’t answered any of my texts from the night before, and he owed me an explanation. I knew I was acting weird, but how could he start making accusations to the police when he had no proof? I knew he was mad about our breakup, but this made no sense. I couldn’t find him, but I stopped looking when I heard the news. Officer Siegel had been suspended, but no one seemed to know why. I searched out Amy Chan after third period to get the dirt. Her dad was on the school board.
Amy slammed her locker. “I don’t know why we even have to have a liaison officer.” She pulled her long dark hair into a ponytail to get it up off her neck.
I cleared my throat. “I heard there was some kind of charge brought against Officer Siegel,” I said. “Do you know anything?”
Amy hefted her bag over her shoulder. “You can’t tell anyone,” she said, looking at Kate and me. “I only know about it because I overheard my dad talking on the phone.”
I crossed my finger over my chest.
“Brit’s family filed a harassment case against her. They say she’s been causing all kinds of trouble for Britney,” Amy said.
Kate made a face. I had the sense she was getting sick of Brit’s drama.
“What exactly did she do to Brit?” I asked.
Amy shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re her best friend; maybe you should ask her?”
I felt panicky. Had Siegel asked Brit if she thought I was guilty of putting up the page? Or maybe she asked her if we were both involved. Brit would be pissed if there was even a slim chance she could be caught. “Maybe I should,” I said. “I’ve got a few questions for Brit.”
“What kind of questions?” I whirled around. Brit was behind me.
