by RJ Silver
“No!” said the king, tuning back in. “I want to consult the high priest first. He’ll know how to deal with this…this phantom phallus. In the meantime, tell her not to touch it again, or do anything else with it, for that matter. Tell her it’s evil and she’s to stay away from it!”
* * *
“Oh, sire,” said the high priest. “This is definitely a portent of the worst kind. I fear some demon is trying to impregnate her, and, given his dimensions, it’s clearly the biggest demon of them all.”
“Not Shesmit!” said the king.
“Yes, sire.”
“What do we do?”
“Our only chance is holy water, sire. I’ll prepare a silver chalice of it this afternoon. Tonight, when the phallus appears, the princess must douse it with the water and recite a special prayer.”
“Shouldn’t you do it, or at least be there to help?”
“No, sire. If there are others present, it might become suspicious. Our best bet is for the princess to surprise the penis on her own.”
* * *
“A demon?” said Amalia, terrified.
“We think so, yes,” said the queen. “But don’t be frightened, my dear. All you have to do is pour this holy water on it and recite this prayer, and we believe it’ll go away.” She extended the silver chalice and the prayer provided by the high priest.
Amalia spent the rest of the day alternately memorizing the prayer and thinking about the strange demon object in her bed. She wondered what it wanted. And why her? She’d never done anything to attract evil.
This thought helped strengthen her resolve. She was a good person. So long as she did what the high priest said, she couldn’t imagine anything bad happening to her.
That night, her parents saw her off to bed. Having heard the news about the demon, her two aunts joined them. All five hugged before the tower door.
“Good luck, daughter,” said the king. “Be noble and strong, and remember: if you need help, just call out and I’ll be there in seconds.”
“Yes, Father.”
“Remember your prayer,” said the queen. “Say it three times just to be sure.”
“Yes, Mother.”
“And don’t trust anything it says or does,” said Aunt Ingrid. “They can be quite slippery when they want.”
“Yes, Aunt.”
The princess entered the tower, the captain of the guard closing the door behind her.
Her family held vigil outside.
* * *
As dawn broke, the king commanded the captain to open the tower door. Again, much to everyone’s relief, they were greeted by the smiling, rested face of the princess.
“Did you do it, daughter?” the king asked. “Did you rid yourself of this evil menace?”
“Not quite, Father,” said the princess. “I did exactly as you said. I waited for the giant lump to appear, then doused it with the holy water and recited the prayer three times.”
“So what happened?”
“Nothing. The lump remained, except it became even more uncomfortable than before.”
“In what way?”
“I had to sleep in the wet spot, which was not only damp but cold. But I remembered how warm the lump got when it grew, so I stroked it until it grew very large and warm indeed. Then I put it between my legs again and had another wonderful sleep.”
“But, child,” said the queen, “I told you not to touch it.”
“I know, Mother, but the wet spot was intolerable. Besides, I have even better news. I don’t think the lump is evil after all. When I stroked it, it squirmed and moaned and snuggled up to me just like my pet ferret used to do when I rubbed him between the ears.”
This time the queen fainted.
Chapter 4
The Wacky Wizard
“No, no, no!” the king insisted as he and his wife argued in the hallway. “We have three days before Prince Rupert arrives. We can still preserve her innocence.”
“Not unless you have one of those for her loins!” said the queen, pointing at the suit of armor standing against the wall next to them.
“Hmmm,” said the king, stroking his beard. “That’s not a bad idea. A kind of armor against amour, a buckler against the bold, a visor for the vag—“
“Husband!”
“Okay, okay. Look, if this thing isn’t a demon, it’s clearly some form of magic, so I don’t want to do anything else until I’ve spoken with Waldorf the Wizard. He’ll know what to do.”
* * *
Waldorf the Wizard lived in a small, cluttered cottage on the king’s estate. He was a powerful wizard in many ways, and he certainly looked the part with his tall pointed hat, long white beard, and flowing satin cape. Yet, there was a reason he worked for the small kingdom of Westwich instead of much larger kingdoms like Arginy: his obsession with magical pranks. On one occasion, he cast a spell on all the village wives to hear only what they wanted to hear from their husbands, which led to considerable grief when the men didn’t fulfill their promises. On another occasion, he caused ale to randomly disappear from mugs at a local tavern, leading to the worst brawl in the tavern’s history. Even nobles hadn’t been spared, a group once riding straight into the moat when fooled by the illusion of a lowered drawbridge.
Thus, it wasn’t surprising when the wizard found amusement in the king’s predicament. “A giant penis in the mattress? You don’t say. Well, at least someone else in my line of work has a sense of humor.”
“So you think it’s magic?”
“We’d better hope so, because if it starts occurring naturally, most of us will be out of luck.”
“What can we do about it?”
“Well, I suppose I could create a swelling potion. I hear stretching helps, too.”
“I mean about getting rid of the penis in the mattress.”
“Oh yes, that. Hmmm…” The wizard stood and began rifling through his shelves. At last, he extracted a silver wand and a small bottle with a note attached to it. “This should do it,” he said, handing the items to the king. “Have the princess sprinkle this powder on the penis, say the attached incantation, and whack the testicles hard three times with this wand.”
“She has to physically strike the testicles?”
“Hey, you’re trying to get rid of a penis. Smacking its testicles is never a bad place to start.”
* * *
“You want me to whack it hard across the apples?” asked Amalia.
“Three times,” said the king.
“But won’t that hurt it?”
“Think of it more as encouraging it to leave.”
Amalia turned away from her parents and looked out the throne-room window at the fields of grass and wild flowers beyond the castle walls. She loved nature, especially its gentler side. When she turned back again, she said, “I don’t know. As I told you this morning, I don’t think the lump is evil. It seems sort of cute to me now, like my old—“
“Yes, yes,” said the king. “Like your old ferret. But tell me, daughter, do you want Prince Rupert to call off the wedding?”
Amalia didn’t understand the connection. “On account of this? I hope he’s not that intolerant. Maybe he’ll even like the lump and we can keep it as a pet.”
The king clamped his hand over his face.
“Men tend not to like those sorts of pets,” said the queen. “Your father’s right. If you don’t want to risk losing Prince Rupert, you should do as the wizard suggests.”
“But—“
“This isn’t a debate, Amalia,” said the king. “I’m telling you what to do and I expect you to do it!”
* * *
The entire family once again crowded around the tower door the following morning. This time, they were greeted by a princess not only rested but determined.
“Did you do it, daughter?” the king asked. “Did you sprinkle the magic powder on it, recite the incantation, and whack the…apples…three times hard with the wand?”
“Yes, Father.
And it was awful…utterly cruel. The poor thing yelped every time I hit it, then curled up, turned green, and moaned in pain.”
“Fantastic!” said the king. “Oh, joyous day. So it’s gone now?”
“No, it’s not gone. I couldn’t bear to see it suffer like that, so I hugged it to my bosom and caressed it back to health. I’m telling you, you’re gravely mistaken about it. This little creature isn’t evil. It’s warm and gentle and loving. Why, it felt as wonderful between my breasts as it did between my legs.”
This time, it was the king who fainted. But when he awoke, it was not to the attentive care of those around him. It was instead to the angry face of his wife hovering over him. “Is this what you meant when you said ignorance is bliss?” she hissed. “I’ve had it with keeping our daughter in the dark. I’m discussing this with her whether you like it or not!”
The queen rose and took Amalia by the hand. “Come along, dear. Aunt Ingrid and Aunt Leila, you’re welcome to join us.”
The four women stormed off.
The captain and the other guards helped the king to his feet, where he stood red-faced and puffing through his dark beard.
Chapter 5
The Frogs and the Flies
The queen brought her daughter and two sisters-in-law to her private chambers, where she first ordered tea. When the tea had been served, and everyone was comfortably seated, she turned toward Amalia. “Today, dear, we’re finally going to have the conversation we should have had long ago. I’m going to tell you about the frogs and the flies.”
Amalia’s eyes widened. “You mean about girls and boys?”
“Yes. You see, there’s really no other way to put this. That…thing…you’ve been stroking, putting between your legs, and holding to your bosom isn’t a candle or a giant mushroom, and it’s certainly not a ferret. It’s part of a man.”
“A man? But I’ve never seen anything like that on a man.”
“If you’ve described it accurately, neither have we,” said Aunt Ingrid.
Aunt Leila snickered.
“The reason you haven’t seen it,” said the queen, “is because it hangs between a man’s legs and is therefore concealed by his garments.”
“Well, most of the time,” said Aunt Ingrid. “Though they do have a tendency to sneak out whenever they can.”
“What’s it for?” asked Amalia.
“It has multiple uses,” explained the queen. “At times, it’s used to pee, similar to your own bodily function. At other times, such as when a man and woman are in love—“
“Or they’re drunk,” interjected Aunt Ingrid.
“Or just in the mood,” said Aunt Leila.
“—the man’s lump, or ‘penis’, as it’s properly called, will get hard, and then the man will put it inside the woman, and—“
“Inside!” said Amalia, shocked. “Where inside?”
“Well,” answered the queen, “between your legs.”
“Or other places, if they can get away with it,” said Aunt Ingrid.
“And believe me, they’ll try,” added Aunt Leila.
“Ladies,” said the queen, “there’s no need to traumatize her.”
“We’re not trying to, my lady,” countered Aunt Ingrid. “But if she doesn’t know about these other places, isn’t she at risk there, too?”
“Hmmm,” said the queen, “you’re quite right. Basically, Amalia, once a man’s penis is hard, he might try to stick it in you anywhere he can.”
“Even your ear,” said Aunt Leila.
“My ear?”
“Yes, I had that happen to me once and couldn’t hear for a week.”
“But why?” asked Amalia. “Why must they stick it anywhere?”
“Because it feels good for them,” said the queen.
“Yes, but doesn’t it hurt us?”
“I daresay the one in your bed might,” said Aunt Ingrid. “At least for a little while. But the area between your legs—“
“Called your ‘vagina’,” said Aunt Leila.
“—is actually quite elastic. It can usually expand to accommodate the largest of men.”
“And even contract to accommodate the smaller ones,” said Aunt Leila.
“Though the contracting part’s not as much fun,” said Aunt Ingrid, “which is why you should generally avoid men with small lumps in their tights.’
“Ladies,” said the queen, “I think we’re drifting. The point is, Amalia, that having a man put his penis inside you is a very intimate act meant to be shared only with a man you truly love.”
“Though, if you’re older and widowed like us, you might have to relax your standards a bit,” said Aunt Leila.
“Furthermore,” said the queen, “this is how babies are made. After a man’s penis is hard and rubs inside of you, it produces his…seed…which then takes hold in your stomach and makes you with child. Do you understand, dear, or would you like me to explain it again?”
“No, I think I understand,” said Amalia. “It all sounds horrible, but I think I get it.”
“Well,” said Aunt Leila, “just so we don’t ruin things for you and Prince Rupert, it’s not necessarily horrible. It can actually be quite pleasurable if the man knows what he’s doing.”
“How can you tell if he knows that?”
“Unfortunately, it’s trial and error. You only know after you try.”
“Or during,” added Aunt Ingrid. “I can pretty much tell right away if it’s going to be a stinker.”
Amalia tried to absorb all of this new information. “So what about the penis in my bed?” she asked finally. “What does it want?”
“Well,” said the queen, “from the sounds of it—”
“Especially the fact it gets hard and moans and squirms when you touch it,” said Aunt Leila.
“It probably wants what every other penis wants,” said the queen.
“Which is to violate you,” said Aunt Ingrid. “To pillage and ravage your young body from dusk till dawn until there’s nothing left of your honor, virtue, or, if you happen to let your hair down, your dignity.”
“That’s why we’re telling you this,” said the queen. “Despite what you said this morning about it not being evil, the penis in your bed is obviously not of this world.”
“Seeing as it’s only a penis,” said Aunt Ingrid.
“With no man attached to it,” said Aunt Leila.
“Which frankly doesn’t sound that bad,” said Aunt Ingrid. “Might even be a huge market for that sort of thing.”
“As I was saying,” said the queen, clearing her throat, “since it’s obviously not of this world, you mustn’t touch it, stroke it, or put it between your legs or breasts again, no matter how good it feels, okay?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“And you mustn’t tell Prince Rupert about it, either.”
“You mean you want me to lie?”
“It’s more of a white lie, actually,” said Aunt Leila. “One meant to avoid upsetting the prince after the penis is gone.”
“I don’t understand,” said Amalia. “If the penis is gone, why would he get upset?”
“Because men can be quite sensitive about that sort of thing,” explained Aunt Ingrid. “Each man likes to believe his penis is the only one his lady’s ever seen, or at least the biggest she’s ever seen.”
“Oh, I get it,” said Amalia. “It’s like a competition – a joust.”
“Precisely,” said Aunt Leila. “Though they rarely mash them together head on like that.”
Amalia sat back. She had a lot to contemplate, not only about the penis in her bed, but also about her upcoming marriage to Prince Rupert, and even about life in general. Mostly, however, she felt unsettled. Of everything she’d heard, something didn’t seem quite right, as if her understanding of the situation wasn’t yet complete.
Chapter 6
Solutions
Four hours later, King Norwood called the family to the Great Hall. “I’ve got it!” he said. “Enou
gh of these hocus-pocus prayers and incantations. I’m going to deal with this villain the same way I would any other.” He pulled out a dagger. “I’m going to lop off its head!”
Complete silence followed. After a few moments, it was Amalia who spoke up. “No, Father. I won’t allow it.”
“What do you mean, you won’t allow it? Prince Rupert arrives in two days. Surely you now realize that if you don’t rid yourself of this monstrosity, it will undo your marriage, a marriage that’s perfect for you in every way.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she said. “I’m not going to harm something that doesn’t deserve it.”
“Doesn’t deserve it? It’s invaded your bed. That alone qualifies for the chopping block!”
“That’s because you keep seeing it as evil. You all do. But I still don’t agree. It’s done none of the nasty things that Aunt Ingrid or Aunt Leila described.”
The king shot his sisters a dirty look. “What nasty things?”
“Quite the opposite,” Amalia continued. “It’s been both polite and gentle. So I don’t think it’s a demon or anything villainous. It feels more like it’s lost and lonely – yes, almost like a lost puppy.”
“Ah, the lost puppy look,” Aunt Leila whispered to her sister. “That one used to get me every time.”
“Me, too,” said Aunt Ingrid.
“And is this lost puppy worth destroying your entire future, not to mention a crucial alliance for our kingdom?” the king asked.
“I didn’t say that, Father,” replied Amalia. “I know you’ve worked hard to arrange my marriage to Prince Rupert. But I’m not going to kill something for personal gain, especially when I feel it might actually be good inside. What I want to do is talk to it.”
“Talk to it?”
“Yes. I’m going to politely ask it to leave. If I’m right, I think it’ll agree.”
“Oh, child,” said the king. “I fear your innocence misleads you. As everyone in this room will attest, penises rarely listen to reason. Yet I can’t do this without you, so I’ll give you one last chance to rid yourself of this menace on your own. If it refuses, however, you must promise to help me cleave it in two.”
