by Lucia Franco
"I'm seeing Kova tonight, but I kind of feel bad because of how much my dad is putting aside for him to be here."
Avery made a sound under her breath like she agreed. "I'm assuming he'll be back at practice. You could always talk then. I wouldn't risk it right now. It's not worth it, and tomorrow is a big day for you. Do you have an alibi in case anyone comes by your room and you're MIA?"
I chuckled. I hadn't thought of needing an alibi, but aside from that, Avery made a good point. I didn't want to risk anything. Even though Dad was putting everything to the side at the moment, it didn’t mean I wasn’t on thin ice with him. One wrong move and I knew he would take this away from me. I had to decide if it was worth risking everything I loved for him.
There was a light knock on the door. My brows drew together as I stood up from the small chair facing the window. No way would Kova blatantly come to my room like that, not when there were eyes and ears everywhere right now on the floor where all the gymnasts stayed together.
"Someone's at the door," I whispered into the phone. "Let me grab this and we'll talk tomorrow."
"Text me ASAP! I'll be on the edge of my seat waiting. Good luck! Love you!"
After thanking her, we hung up. I placed my cell down on the dresser then walked to the door to look through the peep hole. I was surprised to see Sophia standing on the other side.
When Dad had told me she wanted to come to the competition but wanted to make sure I was okay with it first, I'd been both stunned and secretly elated. It was nice to be supported by a mother who wanted to be there. I had to remind Dad this was a huge competition and they would likely be captured on camera in between rotations since I was competing. I thought he might be concerned to be seen with someone other than Joy. He insisted he wasn’t and that I shouldn't be either.
"Hey," I said when I opened the door.
She gave me a hesitant smile. "Hi. Do you mind if I come in?"
"Not at all." I shook my head, happy to see her.
I stepped aside and opened the door wider for her to enter, then shut it behind her and gestured to the little round table by the window.
She took a seat, placing an item wrapped in brown paper she brought with her on her lap. I took the opposite chair and regarded her. It was strange looking at someone who looked eerily similar to me.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
"Aside from the fact I'm competing on less than half my kidney function and with a gimpy arm, and I'm dead tired, I'm honestly fine for the most part. I have a headache right now, and I'm feeling stiff since everything is settling for the night, but nothing new there."
I scratched the side of my head anxiously, wondering if there was a reason why she was here. A piece of hair got stuck around my fingernail when I pulled my hand away. I glanced down. There'd been so much hair surrounding the drain when I took a shower after I'd gotten back to the hotel room. I’d tried not to read too much into it. I lost hair all the time, but this time there had been clumps. I hadn't lost clumps before.
"I just wanted to thank you for allowing me to come here with you. It was incredible to be able to watch you. I’ve followed you over the years, and Frank always gave me updates, but witnessing it in person is something I can't begin to explain. You made it look so easy."
My eyes softened. I took that as a compliment. "I'm glad you're here. It's nice to have someone besides Dad who's supportive and actually wants to be part of this."
"I know things are probably a little strange right now with me suddenly in your life. If it's something you don't want, please just let me know. Frank insists you'll be okay with it, but I had to say it myself." One side of her mouth tugged up into a half smile. "I don't want to step on any toes or give unsolicited advice. That's the last thing I'd want. I'll do anything at your pace to be in your life."
There was no way to explain how much that meant to me. Every girl needed a mom, and the only one I’d ever known never wanted me. I didn't want to yell and scream "Yes, please, be in my life," but it was exactly how I felt.
"It was a shock at first." I laughed lightly. "I had no idea you guys were even talking, let alone seeing each other." I paused. "I kind of wished I'd known sooner, but then again, I guess things happen for a reason… I never would've guessed I had someone else out there." I began to ramble and needed a quick subject change. "So, why did you stop by? Something you wanted to talk about?"
Whatever it was, it had to be very important for her to sneak over here to talk to me. I wasn't supposed to have family in my room or talk to them before a competition.
Sophia sat up straighter. She had a small frame like I did and looked petite in the chair. She placed the wrapped item on the table and passed it to me.
My brows angled toward each other. "A gift?" I glanced up to meet her eyes. "You brought me a gift?"
"Yes. It's not much. It’s something I was given once and it helped me find my way. Go ahead and open it. I thought you may be able to use it."
I peeled back the brown craft paper to reveal a book. Holding the glossy cover, I flipped it open and glanced down the front, reading over the blurb.
"It's technically a self-help book, but I don't like to call it that. People tend to stray from those." Sophia waited a moment, then said, "I read that book during a chaotic time in my life, and it stuck with me ever since. I was angry at the world and I hated myself because nothing I did was right, only I didn't know it at the time. That book taught me to be gentle with myself, to focus on what I needed in order to be happy, that I needed to put myself first. But more importantly, it taught me how to embrace every part of me."
I looked at her. She seemed a little uneasy. This was the first time she was trying to give me real advice and I think it made her nervous.
"Just say it, Sophia," I said in a friendly tone. "I can tell you're holding back. You don't have to with me."
We smiled at each other.
"Based on what Frank's told me, and what I've seen, I thought it might be helpful for you to read in your downtime, if you ever get any." Her airy laugh caused my smile to broaden. "You're dealing with more than most kids your age, on top of your health issues. Even if you weren't dealing with the other things, you're at the Olympic Trials. That's huge. Do you even realize how big this is? There's a lot for you to process."
I grinned, and looked at the book again before I met her gaze once more. "It'll probably hit me when I get home, and probably at the worst time too. Seems to be how my life is going at the moment."
Sophia took a deep breath. "There's a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to truck through the mud first to see it. I hope the book is encouraging for you the way it was for me. When you do get time to process everything, it'll all come roaring back and hit you at once."
I'd yet to have time to process what happened that day in my condo, or the days proceeding. My world had crumbled in a matter of minutes and I had to shelve it because I had more important hurdles to jump.
There was a part of me that didn't want to think about it anyway. How many tears could one girl cry? Just thinking about it knotted my stomach. I was better off not having to think about it, but the other part of me knew I'd have to come to terms with it eventually, whether I wanted to or not.
"Thank you, Sophia," I said, feeling slightly emotional. "This means a lot to me. I may start to read it tonight, actually."
I planned to meet Kova down the street at this coffee shop after the sun had set. I could flip through a few pages when I got back while I was lying in bed.
"Can I be frank?"
We both chuckled. She wasn't talking about my dad. I nodded.
"Like I said before, I don't want to overstep, so if you feel I am, please just tell me and I won't say anything." She paused and locked eyes with me. "I saw the way you looked at Kova today." I stilled, and the color drained from my face. "I feel like I need to say it's not a good idea to act on it."
Nineteen
My jaw wobbled as anxiety filled
me.
This was why she came here. Dad must've sent her.
Or was she saying this on her own?
I wasn't sure where to start without looking guilty or feeling suspicious.
"I wasn't going to do anything."
Her eyes softened at my lie. "Maybe not tonight, but eventually you will, and no one will be able to stop you." Sophia gave me a sad smile. "You're a young woman in love. I see it because I was your age once and in love too. I remember the feelings and emotions like it was just yesterday. Your eyes light up when you look at Kova. It's not one-sided either, that's what is concerning."
I was stiff as a stone even though my heart was hammering against my rib cage threatening to break free.
"Did my dad send you here to talk to me about this? Like a warning or something? Because I already know the consequences, he made them quite clear."
Her face fell and I instantly felt bad. I wasn't angry, but my words came out a little more aggressive than I intended to.
"No, he didn't. I promise. He has no idea I'm talking to you about this and he never will. He thinks I just wanted to bring you the book." I caught a flash of boldness in Sophia's eyes. "In Frank's defense, though, it took a bit of convincing to get Kova here. I feel like you should know he's trying extremely hard. When he got off the phone that night with you, he was a disaster, stuck between right and wrong. It's taking every ounce of self-control he has for Kova to be here, to allow him near you, to touch you." I opened my mouth to speak but she placed her palm up to stop me, and continued, "Frank knows Kova touches you only with a coach's hand right now, but that doesn't matter. The damage is already done and that's all he can see. You have to know any father would feel this way, right? How Frank is with you, and what he says to me, are two totally different things. He's holding back for your sake, and he's trying really hard, Adrianna."
Her face twisted like she was carrying a burden on her shoulders. The concern she had for my dad was touching. There had been far and few moments where Joy had showed concern toward him in the manner Sophia was. Almost like she actually truly cared about him.
Now I felt like crap for even attempting to see Kova.
I glanced away, and responded softly, "I know he's dealing with a lot right now. I wouldn't want to upset him more than he already is. Why are you telling me this? Why now?"
"I was kicked out of my house when I got pregnant with you. My sister was so sick that my parents pretty much forgot about me anyway. No one knew what was wrong with Francesca at the time, only that she was ill. I think it was easier for them. They had one child to support instead of two with one on the way." Sophia paused like she was hurting inside. It seemed like any time she reflected on the past she drew sadness from it. "I was young and impressionable. There was no parental figure around to advise me when I needed it the most. I just want to remind you I'm here any time you need to talk. I'll never judge you or be angry. Even with guy stuff, been there, done that." She chuckled then sobered up. Large green eyes peered back at me. "I missed out on so much of your life. Now we finally have a real chance to have a relationship, and it kills me to see this web you're stuck in. I want you to know I'm here if you ever need me." She cleared her throat as a way to disguise the emotion filling her eyes. "Anyway, I was going to give that book to you tomorrow, but it seemed like you might be able to use it tonight."
I glanced down at the book again, curious about the pages inside. Sophia was offering her guidance when I'd never really been given any from either parent. Dad was always working. I’d assumed most fathers were like mine since I hardly ever saw any dads at practice, it was always just moms. Joy was another story entirely and not someone I ever asked advice from.
Listening to Sophia brought on a wave of melancholy. A longing. I'd never say I was neglected. I most definitely wasn't, but I had been easily overlooked by both parents with their assumption that I would figure it out. The thought of having a parent figure to come to with questions would've been nice. I mean, just one who wanted me around would've sufficed. I would've taken anything, really.
The creases between my eyes deepened. Even if I’d had that type of relationship with my parents, would any ounce of advice have stopped me from loving Kova?
No. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, and it gave no fucks about anyone's feelings or objections.
"I don't know what to say. I feel like thank you isn't enough. This is more than a book you're giving me."
Her eyes glistened with relief and that made me feel good inside. "You don't have to say anything. Despite your maturity, you're still young. Not that I'm doubting what you have with Kova isn't real, but you should live your life and experience every age while you can." Her eyes narrowed into a knowing look. "I bet you're really consumed with him and you think about him all the time and wonder what he's thinking. Like you have to be with him and can't imagine a life without him." I tried not to squirm. "Find what you love and what you hate. When you're involved with someone, we tend to think only about what they want and need. It's easy to forget ourselves in the process. Put what you want first. Go to college and attend parties. Stay up until two in the morning with your girlfriends and burn a pizza in the oven. Don’t lose out on this time in your life. You'll regret not living it to its fullest. I know I do." She pointed to the book. "Check it out when you can. It might be more useful than you think."
Sophia stood. I placed the book on the table and stood with her. "No one's ever told me that." No one ever spoke to me like that. What she said to do sounded kind of fun.
"Me either, but I think it's something a teen Sophia needed to hear." She waited. "I thought you may too."
I glanced at the book again and reread the tagline. Don't let this life pass you by.
"I'm going to read a few pages tonight while I ice my arm. Thank you, Sophia."
"Frank is waiting for me, so I'm going to head out. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow, I’m proud of you. I can't wait to watch you. Thank you for allowing me to be here." Affection swirled in her eyes before they glossed over with remorse. "Francesca would've loved to be here to see you."
While I never got to meet my aunt, the emotion clogging my throat was real. I was so much more sensitive than I used to be.
Nodding, she walked to the door. Right before she left, she looked at me.
"I'm not going to tell you to not see Kova because that'll only make you do it more. If you do, I want you to consider not only those affected, but yourself too. Think about you and your life and the opportunities you have. Take advantage while you can and create your happy ending."
Sophia opened the door and stepped out quietly. I glanced back at the book, debating whether I should open it up and read a few pages now, or go see Kova like we’d planned. Listening to what Sophia said stirred my interest and swayed my decision a little.
Not being able to experience life to the fullest had been a fear of mine since I was diagnosed. I didn't want to lose out and have regrets about things I could've and should've done. The thought scared me.
What Sophia said to experience, I wanted to do. I just hadn't allowed myself to think about it because my focus was on this moment right now and getting through the heartache and pain my body dealt with every day. I didn't allow myself to look ahead, and anytime I had, I assumed Kova would be there. Yet, all those moments she mentioned—college, parties, late nights with friends—sounded like so much fun to me, and he wasn't there.
Gymnastics had always been, and will always be, the love of my life, but it would be naïve of me to not realize it was going to be over soon. I needed to decide what I wanted.
And what did I want? My fingers grazed the cover. What did I truly want?
Thoughts flickered too quickly through my mind like an old film. Some involved Kova, some involved Avery, of course my family, but most of them were of me alone. Happy, but alone, and constantly searching for something no one could give me but myself.
I was angry at the world and I hated myself.
Did I feel the same way as Sophia once did? My skin prickled with realization. I tried to push it away, but…
My breathing labored. My heart started racing. The more I thought about it, the more it hit me that my feelings were nearly identical to hers.
It didn't just hit me. It slammed into me.
I did feel the same way. I was angry at the world, and I did hate myself.
I hated myself for so many reasons, but mainly for how sick I was. I hid it from everyone who cared about me, and in turn, I pushed my body to the brink of total destruction to prove to myself there was nothing wrong with me. Everything about what I did made me angry and filled me with hate, not only for myself but for everything around me, except gymnastics. Becoming sick wasn't anyone's fault, but I couldn't help but wonder if I had listened to my body in the first place, would I have caught the illnesses before they grew into something more? I was stubborn and had assumed it was from overtraining, but I think in the back of my mind I always knew something wasn't right.
A fire burned inside me just thinking about it. Tears burst from my eyes and I covered my mouth. I wondered when my heart hardened and why I became like this, or if I was always like this and I just didn't know it. Tears dripped down my cheeks and my knees shook. It hurt me that I was like this.
An unexpected quietness settled in my chest. It forced me to become aware of the truth, and damn did it hurt. I realized I needed to let go of the resentments I'd built, and the only way to do that was on my own.
The things Sophia said, words of wisdom, were all things I'd been seeking without even realizing it.
My knees buckled and I fell into the chair behind me. After the meet today, I'd done therapy with the other gymnasts to help speed up recovery. Some were getting full-body massages, others were cupping or doing various chiropractic stretches, or wearing vibrating sleeves to increase blood flow. All so we'd be ready for the beating our bodies would take tomorrow for the chance to hold a coveted spot on the United States women’s gymnastics team. The faster we healed, the better we'd perform. Lactic acid in the muscles would only hinder the performance and make the joints stiff. It had to be released and that's what we’d focused on. A recovery that would normally take a week for any normal person to heal would take one night for a pro athlete.
