by Lucia Franco
"I had made up my mind that I was going to get rid of our baby and then I lost it." I hiccupped. "I didn't even ask you what you wanted. I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry."
Kova grabbed my chin and pulled it forward to press a peck to my lips. He pulled back and I drew in a shaky breath. He looked into my eyes, then kissed me the same way again.
"Sometimes you talk too much," he said quietly against my mouth. "You worry too much too."
I inhaled another shaky breath. I frowned. I was so confused.
"I am not mad." He planted another kiss. "I could never resent you." Two kisses. "I understand why," Kova said honestly, and it shattered my heart even more. "The miscarriage is not your fault, and as for the abortion, your decision was the right one. That does not mean I did not want our child, it was just not the right time for us, Adrianna. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less. Please, for me, stop making yourself sick over it. We do not need to keep discussing it."
Tears streamed from the corner of my eyes. I shook my head. "But how come you don't say anything about it? Why don't you even look sad?"
A shadow crossed his eyes. "Because I see how you are dealing with it and I am not adding to your sadness. The truth is, the whole thing"—he swallowed thickly—"fucking kills me, Ria. You have no idea what it does to me and what we lost. I am wrecked inside."
Kova took my wrists and guided them over his shoulders. He brought me closer to him then reached between us and palmed his length. His erection moved over my overstimulated clit. Always eager for him, I lifted my hips for Kova to push into me. My lips parted and our eyes met as he pushed all the way in. I sighed. Kova held still and so did I. His nostrils flared and I held my breath. We didn't move.
A moment later, he brushed a lock of hair behind my ear, and said, "If I felt any of those negative ways about you, would I still want to make love to you? Would I sell my gym? I am willing to go against your father for you. Truth is, I would do anything for you, Ria. I would probably kill for you, that is how much I fucking love you." He thrust in and growled. He was so hot inside of me, burning me up. "You always told me actions speak louder than words. Now that I am finally making moves, you question it."
I closed my eyes, feeling guilty.
"No, look at me. You want to know what I feel and how I am dealing, look at me when I tell you."
The demand in his voice caused me to shiver. I moved my hips, needing to feel him. Kova was right. I did ask, and here I was unable to handle it. I met his gaze.
"I cannot even get mad because I created that stress in you. All I can keep doing is trying to prove that you are my one and only forever love. One day I hope you believe me."
A gush of emotion pushed through my lips and I whimpered. "I do believe you. That's the thing, I do believe you. I'm just… I don't know what. Emotional, I guess."
Kova's hips surged forward and my eyes fell heavy from the wonderful blooming heat in my pelvis.
He continued when I couldn't speak. "I love you, and I never stopped loving you. I never will." He rocked harder into me. "Remember that. Remember right now when you question my love for you next time, because I know you will."
I smashed my lips to his and my arms tightened around his neck. Divine fullness filled me, but my heart was still aching. I was so stupid to doubt him. Every time I thought about Kova, my fear was he didn't want me anymore. How many more times did he have to tell me he loved me for me to finally believe it?
"I'm sorry," I cried against his mouth. I said it again as I greedily took his length. "I'm so sorry."
He shook his head, his voice frantic. "Stop. There is nothing to be sorry about."
I was sorry for more than just what happened. Mostly, I was sorry I was leaving him behind.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Before I could say it again, Kova spoke a few lines in Russian under his breath, then he kissed me. A sharp pang sliced through my chest at the familiarity of this moment.
Prosti.
All the air left my lungs and I abruptly broke the kiss and we stopped moving.
This was nearly the exact thing as that awful night. Kova came to me and apologized in his native tongue for hours while we made love. The only difference now was we were aware of the outcome, and it was me who was saying sorry.
We really were one in the same.
"Prosti," I said. I licked my lips and looked down.
My voice was quiet, broken. I was truly sorry for my decision even though I knew it was going to wreck us.
He tipped my chin up, and his intense eyes bored into mine.
"Ya ne mogu predstavit' svoyu zhizn', ne vidya tebya kazhdyy den.'"
My chin trembled. I waited for him to translate.
"I cannot imagine my life without seeing you every day." Kova's hips pressed forward and my jaw fell open at the delicious pressure between my legs. "I love you, Adrianna."
I inhaled, trying to steady my tears. "Promise me you'll never stop?"
I was such a hypocrite.
Kova sealed his response with a kiss. My hips moved over his in a slow wake, painting every inch of the way he felt pushing inside of me to memory. I had no right to ask him to keep loving me after I left, but I had to do it, and I needed to know he wouldn't forget about me.
Because the truth was, I would never forget about him, and I hoped that would be enough one day.
Wrapping his arm around my lower back, Kova guided us until my back was on the cool mattress. My hips widened and Kova seated deeper in my pussy. My heels drove into the bed and my neck arched, the back of my head pressing into the bed from the blissful pleasure. I let go and sighed, feeling so good.
"Tell me you love me."
Grabbing his face between my hands, I pressed a kiss to his lips. "You had me the first day when I walked into World Cup. I could never not love you, Kova."
His dejected smile crushed my heart. "I am going to make love to you now, Malysh, and I am not going to hold back. You are going to see how much I need you. I am not going to stop until your entire body feels how much I love you," he said, sinking deeper.
And that was what he did.
Kova took control of my body for the rest of the night while he made soul-searing love to me. There was no hurry to his kiss. He didn't drive into me like the intoxicating animal he could be. I didn't try to fight him or taunt him just to get a rise out of him.
We were just two lovers immersed in each other with desperate moans and shuddering bodies, wishing time would slow and the sunrise wasn't on the horizon.
Fifty-Five
I thought about Kova the entire time the movers had been in my condo.
My decision plagued every second of the long day, and it caused an awful headache from the stress. I couldn't stop thinking about the night before and how much my life was going to be so different a week from now. Mostly, I thought about how badly I wished things were different. My head was a mess and I wanted free from my thoughts.
Something he’d said stuck with me. I too couldn't fathom a life with him not around. He'd been the one constant in my world, and I was closer to him than anyone else. Any time I tried to imagine a life without him, this massive gray cement wall appeared before me. It left me feeling uneasy, which made me even more anxious for tomorrow.
I thought maybe Kova would've stayed the whole day too, but when I woke to an empty bed and a little note saying he’d be back to take me to the airport the next day, I was conflicted. I fell asleep with his arms holding me and our legs tangled together between my damp sheets. I was pretty positive we didn’t move until he left. Now that he was gone, I was missing him so much and wished he had stayed. However, the other half of me knew it would've just been harder to say goodbye when it came time to leave. A warm ache began between my legs. I could still feel his lips on my back, his nails digging into my ass cheek as he gripped it, the way his thumb stroked the front of my throat as he came inside of me. Chills rolled down my arms and need pulsed through me.
Kova hadn’t been joking when he’d said he was going to make me feel his love. I had felt it from the moment I woke up. I’d called Avery a couple of times to vent. I’d decided not to tell her anything about Kova showing up and staying over. It was something I wanted to keep for myself.
I glanced at the time over the stove. Thankfully the movers had been running behind yesterday. It was late by the time they’d finished and I was already exhausted from the night before that I fell asleep shortly after I took a shower. I slept in as much as I could until I got up to pack the last few things in my check-in bag. I had only an hour to spare before Kova arrived.
My knee bounced and I bit my bottom lip until it was raw. I was a mess and paced the floor, looking for last minute things to tidy up. Kova would be here soon and I needed to calm my racing heart and steady my hands.
I told him I'd meet him downstairs, but he said he had something for me and asked if he could come up. There was no way I would tell him no, so now I was waiting—
My heart dropped into my gut when I heard the knock. I wiped my palms down my distressed jeans and walked toward the door. God, I was so nervous that I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Heat broke out over my skin in anticipation. The closer I got, sharp knots twisted in my stomach.
Reaching for the door, I took a deep breath and unbolted the lock to welcome him in.
Kova turned around to face me and I felt a fissure along my ribs.
Oh, God. I couldn't handle it. My heart was on fire, and all these emotions I'd slept on were climbing to the surface again. He looked like shit. There were dark circles under his lackluster eyes like he hadn't slept since he left here.
Before I could think better of it, I closed the distance and stepped into Kova. His arms immediately wound around my body and hugged me to him. My eyes closed feeling his warmth surrounding me. I heard something drop behind me but I didn't bother looking. Not when Kova held me like he needed me.
"Adrianna," he whispered in pure agony.
I pressed my face into the column of his neck and squeezed my eyes shut. Kova tightened his arms and I savored the feeling. I wasn't sure I could do it.
"Tell me I'm making a bad decision," I said, breaking down. "Tell me I'm being stupid."
Kova pulled back and looked into my eyes. He came in and shut the door. The back of his hand brushed over my cheek. My lips trembled. His eyes were glossy and rimmed with a tint of pink. The facial hair helped hide the hollowness of his jaw. Kova was in a much worse state than the other night. I didn't know how I was going to get through another second knowing he wasn't mine anymore, and I wasn't his.
"I think it is a terrible fucking decision. The absolute worst you have ever made." His voice was raw. "But you made the right decision," he whispered, sounding like he was on the verge of cracking.
I released a ragged breath. Kova reached for my side braid and ran his thumb down the fishtail design. I wanted desperately to reach out and touch him again. I ached to, because later today I'd be hundreds of miles away and wouldn’t be able to.
"Your hair has gotten so long," he said. I think it was more to himself.
"I'd cut it to my shoulders if it wasn't so thin now."
I was quiet, reflecting. His eyes flashed to mine. Kova liked my hair.
"I used to think my hair gave me headaches." He looked at me in confusion. "It was so heavy when I tied it up in a knot. I thought it was giving me raging headaches from the weight and pull of the rubber band. Now I know it was the lupus because I never wear my hair up anymore for that reason and my head still pounds."
Kova wrapped the braid around his fist and gave it a gentle tug. The corners of my mouth twitched at his playfulness. I lifted my gaze to his and my knees almost buckled.
The distance and raw emotion in his eyes choked me up.
His regret tore at my heart.
His desperation and hunger ran along my skin and sunk into every pore.
Kova was drawn. Lost. I felt him dying inside at the knowledge there was nothing we could do to save us. His defeat stripped me bare. It overrode who he was as a person, and that was upsetting. I didn't want to lose him.
Helplessly, he dropped my braid. "I wanted to give you something before you left."
I wiped my eyes, then dried my palms on my thighs as Kova retrieved the bag he brought in. I'd forgotten about it and realized that was the sound I heard behind me when we hugged.
Kova walked over and placed it on the kitchen counter, then reached inside. Once I got home from the Olympics, I hadn't been able to wear the necklace and bracelet set he'd given me for my birthday since Dad and Sophia were often around. I didn't want them to question me, or worse, take it away. I packed it first and told myself that once I was settled in Oklahoma I would never take it off.
I gasped and covered my mouth when my eyes landed on our spiral bound notebook. A memory flashed through my mind and I stifled a sad chuckle.
"Why did you laugh?"
I looked up at him. "Do you remember when I had this idea and what you said to me?" A crease lined the space between his brows. "You said it was the worst idea and you didn't want to do it."
His eyes flashed and he gave me a lopsided grin. He remembered.
My heart was thumping at the sight of it, wondering who'd had their dirty hands on it and read our personal letters. These words were ours, and ours alone. It upset me thinking someone read the personal thoughts I fought so hard to get from Kova.
"Where did you find it?" I asked. I hadn't seen it in months, not since Katja stole it and did who knows what with it.
"I got it back from Katja."
My skeptical eyes lifted to his. "What did you have to do to get it?"
He lowered his gaze. "Before I left here the other day, you said something that stuck with me. You said our love makes you sicker."
My jaw trembled and my nostrils flared trying to hold in my emotions. I had regretted saying that immediately after it left my mouth.
"You are right," Kova said quietly, like it was final, and that filled me with dread. "Our love does make you sicker. I hate myself for it because I know I am a huge part in that." He shook his head, struggling to finish. "That was it. It really hit me just how sorry I am for what I put you through when I married her. I broke you."
I moved closer to him, but he stepped back and put his hand up. I frowned.
"You didn't break me. I'm still here."
He lifted his eyes to mine. "I broke you that day, and you were not the same for a long time afterward." My heart ached hearing him confess his most private thoughts. "Regardless, you will never understand how sorry I am for what I did. I thought I lost you for good and made it my mission to fix it. I wish I could void out that part of my life like it never happened." Kova paused, his eyes were glistening. "But then I wonder if we would be where we are now…" His voice trailed off. "So, when I left here yesterday, I picked up a bottle of vodka on my way home and started to pack her things once I got there."
"Kova, you left early in the morning."
He gave me a knowing look. "I was drunk all day." I chuckled sadly under my breath, and he continued. No wonder he looked like shit when I opened the door. "To be completely transparent, I felt bad for her and thought giving her time was fair. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of you. The situation is not so easy to walk away from and start over. Katja and I have a lot of history. I did her wrong, she did me wrong." He paused, then finally handed me our notebook. "There is no reason for her to live with me, even if we are in the process of a divorce, not if it means I am going to lose you forever. You mean too much to me to chance that. I did not mean to upset you with that decision. I was just trying to do right."
My chest was hollow. "Kova—"
"No, let me finish."
I closed my mouth and my shoulders drooped. He was so resolute in us that fresh tears streamed down my cheeks. The dark circles under his eyes now had a cause. He'd been relentless in his pursuit of us. I think I lov
ed him more for that.
"I packed up everything in the bedroom she slept in. I got her a hotel room for two weeks, then I changed my locks and froze her accounts. Katja has plenty of cash and can afford it, or she can make the bastard who got her pregnant pay." Kova glanced away and ran his tongue over his bottom lip. "They were planning to blackmail me and use our affair against me to get what they wanted."
My brows rose as fury flowed through my veins. I was stunned into silence. How heartless of them. I didn't have a leg to stand on, but I was not a vindictive person either.
Kova didn't care about money. He probably would've given her anything she asked for because he was guilty himself and that sickened him. He'd struggled with us until I pushed him to snap. With help from Joy, all Katja focused on was revenge. It was easy when someone was whispering in their ear the whole time.
"I learned their plans shortly after I was released." Kova paused, then said, "I know you are skeptical when it comes to Katja, but I need you to know I am no longer living with her."
My brows lowered. He was right. I did feel a different way when it came to Katja and how he treated her. I wasn't sure I could ever let go of those feelings unless he was completely separated from her and they never spoke again.
"How did you manage to do all of this so quickly? What about World Cup? Please tell me you didn't do anything drastic."
He looked right at me and said, "I told you I was going to accept Danilo's offer. Madeline and Danilo are a good team and kept the gym running smooth."
Fifty-Six
Tears welled in my eyes.
"Why would you do that? That gym means so much to you. I wish you hadn't."
World Cup was his everything. It was his second home. Where he was himself. It made me sick to think he’d sold it for me.
