by Lucia Franco
Now our time was over.
Halfway up the stairs, I clung to the railing harder, and Kova pressed a tight fist to his mouth again. I was about to go out into the world on my own, taking what I’d learned from the sport that had captured my heart as a kid. Kova dropped his head for a spilt second then looked back at me. I knew that look in his eyes all too well. He'd reached his point of no return and was already succumbing to the darkness in him that made him who he was. He fought it while I embraced that part of him and drew it out. He'd fight it now too until he couldn't anymore. Kova was an emotive man who deeply ached to express love and feeling with someone who he truly connected with. I was that person.
Our gazes never wavered the higher I went. We were too afraid to look away, not wanting to break the connection.
Stepping blindly onto the platform when I reached the top, I slowly walked in the direction of my gate, still watching him through blurry eyes.
Kova stayed where he was, rooted to the ground and fixated on me. We only saw each other, and all I could hear was the roaring sound of my heartbeat in my ears the further I got away from him.
Kova's lips parted and my heart plummeted as he took one step in front of him only to stop.
This was too much.
My jaw trembled and my teeth clamped down on my lower lip as his head dropped between his shoulders and he faced the floor. He couldn't stomach to see me walk away.
Gripping my duffle bag strap in search of courage, I turned and stared straight ahead, letting the tears fall freely in waves. There was no way to disguise the pain of losing a loved one and I wasn't going to even try. I was going to let myself feel every emotion to remember that this was real and it would never be forgotten. I was leaving someone I loved behind. There was no reason to shut the door on those feelings.
Kova was as devastating as a tornado.
A quiet sob escaped my lips. I puckered my mouth together.
I thought back to the first time I saw him again as a teenager at World Cup, how he stole my attention and took my breath away. We were inevitable then and we didn't even know it.
Kova had supported me and pushed me to be better than the day before. He believed in me and showed me how to succeed with the right skills, not just in the gym but in life. Even on my worst days when I wanted to give up, he encouraged me to do more, try more, knowing if I didn't give it my all, I'd regret it. He was the flame to the fuel in my veins. He saw the drive in me and ignited it.
Blinking my eyes, I felt a fresh need course through my body.
A new goal sprang to life.
It would be the riskiest one yet.
I was my new goal, and my incentive to thrive would be Kova. It was going to hurt so good.
That was how I was going to view us—a risk worth taking while I got better, healthier. Because I would. I refused any other outcome. I wasn't going to let lupus and kidney disease steal me any more than I already had, not when I had a lot of life in me left to live.
I took a seat near my gate away from people and placed my duffle bag on the floor near my feet. I reached inside and pulled out the gift wrapped in black tissue paper with the envelope attached to it.
I carefully tore off the envelope and accidently pulled back some of the tissue paper. The scent of his cologne bled from the paper as I slipped his note out of the envelope and unfolded it.
Sniffling back the last of my tears, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
My Dearest Malysh,
I was scared to want you. I still am.
Damn it. Fresh tears instantly filled my eyes.
Do not feel bad for the decision you have made. Even though it kills me, I do not regret a fucking thing. Every moment with you was worth having all the way until now, even the bad. If that was all the time I was allotted with you, then I will die a happy man. I hope it is not, though. I hope that when your mind wanders to the past, you think of us and the connection we made. I hope our goodbye opens a door for us to spend a lifetime together. This separation is one of many boulders for us to overturn. I want to be the one to help you lift them when times are tough, but I understand why you want to do it alone. After all, your fight is what I love about you.
You were right to leave.
When I came to your hotel room on the night after the meet I had pulled you from, it was then that I started to write about us every single day. What you made me feel, what you were going through, how I saw you through my eyes. Your strengths, my weaknesses. Our ups and downs. How I learned you were sick and keeping it from me. When I realized I loved you, and how I knew you loved me before you said it.
I smiled at that. I'd only allowed myself to love him in the dark until I couldn't hide anymore.
It is all there in my journal. Every thought, every feeling, they are yours.
I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth to cover it. Tears welled in my eyes. Kova gave me his private journal.
Read one page a day, no more.
Our time is not over, Malysh, but it is for now.
Ya lyublyu tebya vsegda I naveki.
X
Kova
I smiled sadly to myself and felt a fresh tear slip down my cheek. That was the first time he'd signed his name.
Taking out my cellphone from my bag, my screen lit up with the picture of us from that night in the hotel room. It felt like ages ago but the feelings came rushing back as if it happened yesterday. I decided to send him the picture.
He'd know why I'd sent it.
I shouldn't have thrown away my burner phone. Oh well. If my dad was monitoring my messages, let him see it. What was the worst that could happen at this point? I was leaving.
Just as I was about to slip my phone back into my bag, it dinged. I slid the screen open with my heart in my throat and grinned at Kova's response.
A black heart emoji.
I rolled my lips between my teeth and tasted my salty tears. It was so Kova, and I loved that.
Something happened when Kova came along. He changed me for the better, he gave me strength and helped me see my worth, even if it was a struggle at times. He also hurt me more times than I wanted to count, but I wasn't going to focus on moments that would only harden my heart.
The way we understood love started with pain. Our love story wasn't an easy one, so our ending wouldn't be either.
There were no hearts and rose petals about it, no white picket fence and butterflies. No children. No happy ending. But it was raw, it was real, and it was ours. It was tragically beautiful. No one could take that from us.
I didn't think either of us realized how deeply intertwined we truly were until we had to go our separate ways.
It was utterly devastating.
Fifty-Nine
One Year Later
"3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!"
The small crowd in the student center went wild. I huddled in the corner, regretting letting my teammates rope me into coming. I still had months before I could join them in the gym and competitions, but the coaches had thought it would be a good idea to come on board now and build the camaraderie. It turned out to be a good thing and had helped to occupy my mind for a while. I didn't have that team bond with them yet since I hardly knew them, but it felt nice to be included. It was a good start.
Avery knew what New Year's Eve meant to me and who I thought about.
I'd flown home for three days to spend the holidays with my family. Avery flew back with me the day after Christmas and has been here ever since to support me. Three days was all I could handle knowing I was in close proximity to him. The temptation was too strong to see him. There wasn't a doubt in my mind I would have borrowed Dad’s car to drive south.
"Happy New Year, bestie!" Avery said excitedly, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I pulled back and forced a smile on my face. "Still thinking about him?" I nodded solemnly, dropping the phony smile.
"Do you think he thinks about me as much as I think about him?" I asked, my voice small. Sometimes
I wished I didn't think of him as much as I did.
"I do." She nodded. "He can't not be thinking of you," she said.
"Really?"
"Yes," Avery said, and I actually believed her. "I think it's as hard for him as it is for you."
I hoped so. This was agony.
Not incorporating gymnastics into my daily routine was a tough adjustment. Same with not incorporating him. I knew it would be hard, especially while going through dialysis. Just not this kind of hard. I reminded myself daily that this wasn't forever and that I would go back to the sport that I loved with every fiber in my body soon. I would take what I learned from him and apply it. Fortunately, I had the absolute best friend in the world by my side even if she was living states away. Like Avery had said, "I'm only a phone call away." And she was.
"I'm going to miss you when you leave," I said, pouting. "Who's going to braid my hair and read sex scenes with me out loud?"
We giggled. I'd convinced Avery to read a romance novel a few months ago and the rest was history. She said boys were better in books. I agreed. Even though we both loved the steamy scenes, her way of putting a smile on my face was to narrate a book while I was at dialysis. She had come to three sessions with me and my cheeks bloomed with heat. It was the three best sessions I’d had.
After I’d arrived in Oklahoma a little over a year ago, Dad and Sophia had flown in to help me unpack and get settled. Sophia ended up staying then for close to a month. I’d initially wanted to go at it on my own, but after my first few dialysis treatments, I had to admit it was nice to have her help. Once I’d felt confident I could make it to treatments and care for myself afterward, she returned home to Georgia. We spoke and texted all the time. Truth be told, the month she’d spent here was exactly what we’d needed to work on our bond. I was really happy to have a mom who wanted me. There was a part of me that longed to be able to say my mom was my best friend.
As the New Year’s celebrations continued, I wanted to creep toward the exit and drop the empty smile from my face. All day I’d reminisced on the past, and as the day had drawn to an end, my veins had filled with a vibrating need for the one person who wasn’t here. I hadn’t heard from him since the day I left. He’d said he’d come for me, and while I desperately wanted him to, I was partially relieved he hadn’t yet.
Avery left a couple of days later and I already missed her so much. Some days, like today, were lonely. I didn't regret my decision to move here, but it wasn't easy either. Life lessons and growing up and all that jazz.
I retrieved a bottle of water from the refrigerator and took a sip as I sorted through the mail I’d left on the counter earlier. I smiled at the postcard Avery had sent from Florida.
Working on my holiday tan in the sun. How’s the snow?
She could be such a brat. Avery wasn't a fan of the cold weather and almost bailed after she arrived here. Apparently Oklahoma had one of those rare cold fronts where it felt like negative three degrees. She said she wasn't built for cold, and I'd have to agree that I wasn't either. However, it was where I felt I needed to be.
I flipped the grocery ads aside and revealed a padded yellow envelope. My brows furrowed wondering who had my address and what I received.
Turning it over, my heart stilled at the familiar writing on the label. Chills raked down my arms. My stomach twisted into knots and I sat on the stool before my legs went out from under me.
It had been sixteen months since I last had any form of contact with him. I'd counted.
I had zero shame.
Quickly, I tore open the package and saw three journals inside. Lips parting on a gasp, I pulled them out along with a letter attached to the top one. Each journal was wrapped in black tissue paper bound with a green sticker that reminded me of his eyes.
My Dearest Malysh,
Enclosed is my soul.
X
Kova
With shaking hands, I lifted the first journal and lost myself in his words.
It started from the day I left.
He wrote about his divorce process, my dad dropping the charges against him, selling World Cup… He was raw and honest, and I found myself tearing up every few pages. I missed him every day, but I never realized I missed him this much until I stayed up all night reading the journals. At times the pages were filled with his dark thoughts or ramblings that I couldn't make sense of. I gathered he'd had copious amounts of vodka those days when he penned his feelings. Still, I savored them. They were his thoughts, ones I begged him for when I was in Georgia. I would take what I could get. It was a little view inside his head and I was grateful for it. My heart ached and relief flooded through me. He still loved me. He hadn’t come for me yet, but he still loved me. I was somewhat okay knowing that.
The second journal turned slightly personal. I cried a lot.
I do not know who I am without her here. I thought things would smooth over once the divorce proceedings began, but they have not. It has only worsened. I miss her and I do not know how to handle these thoughts raging through my head without her to talk to me. It is painful. Strange enough, she could look at me and know my head was filled with chaos and iron it out for me. She would push, half the time I hated it, but I always felt better when I spoke to her. If only I realized that then.
I need her more than anything in the world, but I know I cannot have her. It is not right, but fuck, I am dying inside without her. I want to run to her and take her in my arms and never let her go. They say you do not know what you have until it is gone, and now I understand that sentiment more than ever. I never should have let her leave.
What a fucking mess my head is.
I am alone, stuck in this house with the walls closing in on me. I want to burn it to the ground and leave. I should go back to Russia.
I hate Russia. It is too far from her.
I have nowhere to go, and yet all I want to do is runaway and leave.
Everywhere I look, I think of her. I see her. I smell her. I wish I did not. She is hundreds of miles away, yet she feels right here with me.
I lost you her. I feel like I lost you her for good and I do not know how to handle this. I am going out of my mind.
I hate myself for causing her pain. I want to numb myself from feeling. Board up my windows and shut the world out. It is better that way and how I used to live, until her.
Why did she take my black and white world and splash it with color? I wish Frank never called me, and I wish she never stepped foot in my gym. The moment I saw her was a punch to my gut. It is still fresh, like it happened yesterday.
But then I would never have experienced love and laughter. She showed me that. She changed me for the better. I think, anyway. I cannot tell. Did I ever do the same for her?
I hated myself for feeling what I did when I saw her again. She was not a child with pigtails anymore. I was repulsed and sought my therapist immediately. I did everything in my power to keep her at arm's length but the temptation was too much for us to combat. I did not have this reaction to Katja, and I questioned why not so many times until I eventually gave up. I tried with Katja, but my heart was with her. Always with her. After I experienced life with her, there was no going back. I was sold and I desired every second with her.
Some things are not meant to be explained.
She is my other half. That is all, and I will not question it further.
I woke sick to my stomach, reaching for her. It makes no sense since we rarely were able to share a bed, yet it does not matter. I know what I feel and what I want. I need to touch her to know she is real and what we have is real. This gnawing feeling in my stomach that she needs me will not go away. I keep thinking I am going to see her, then I wake up and reality hits me. Does she need me?
Fuck this, I am going.
No, I cannot. I said I would give her time, and that is a promise I planned to keep.
FUCK. I want to fight for her now and show her we need each other. She stood by my side when I needed her the most. I
should be by her side as she begins the hardest journey of her life, and I am not. She does not want me there and I have to respect that.
I let her down.
I have to believe the one thing I did right was let her go. I tell myself that often.
But the truth is, she is stronger than me. She said goodbye.
She let me go. For her. If that is not strength, I do not know what is.
I love her more for it.
Frank may have dropped the charges, but that does not change a thing. He and I will never be the same. There is no friendship, no acquaintance. Nothing. We are strangers.
