by J. H. Knight
Ever since she had relocated to Arizona, right after the divorce, Jack had missed her. He understood her reasons, but it didn’t hurt any less. She had needed to get away from him for a while. She told him once that it killed her to look at him, even to be in the same room with him. He hated knowing he’d done that to her, hated knowing he’d forced her out of an entire state, but he knew she’d done what was best for her, and he was glad she’d found happiness moving back to her hometown.
When she’d made the move, they were both still unaware of Rick’s drug problem. He spent his summers in Arizona with Marie, bouncing back and forth between them for a few years. Looking back, Jack wondered whether that was, at least in part, why Rick had been able to hide his addiction for so long. Of course their son seemed different to them every time they saw him after a long stretch. He grew fast, and he seemed to change every other month. Jack had reasoned at the time that it was simply a normal part of Rick’s development, that Rick was still adjusting to the divorce, still adjusting to his father coming out.
He still wondered—if they had caught it earlier, would it have been easier to deal with? Was it like cancer, where the earlier you got treatment, the better your odds of survival? He wasn’t sure, but he thought maybe that was the case. It made him feel even guiltier when he thought about it, though, so Jack tried not to go there.
Despite their broken, sometimes bitter history, Jack looked forward to spending time with Marie again. They hadn’t gotten together in person for over a year, and it would be good to see her smile and hear her tease him.
He only wished it were under other circumstances.
Chapter Three
SUNDAY MORNING turned out to be a glorious fall day. Jack’s drive to Serenity Meadow was filled with sunshine dappling through the trees on the long, twisting country road. Once he arrived, it took only a few minutes at the front gate for one of the staff to check his ID and confirm he was on the list of approved visitors. Jack parked in the gravel lot next to the main building, where he found Marie and Doug waiting for him.
“How did you beat me here? Did you take a helicopter?” Jack teased, giving Marie a kiss on the cheek before shaking Doug’s hand.
“Our flight landed uncharacteristically ahead of schedule.” She nodded to the driver behind the wheel of the town car they’d hired. “And Lance was a miracle worker with the city traffic. I wish I could bring him home with me.”
Jack laughed at the look on the driver’s face and told Doug, “Better be careful. She’s starting to want a new driver. A new husband can’t be far behind….”
Doug draped his arm around Marie’s slender shoulders and kissed her temple.
Marie teased Jack. “Don’t be such a toad. I’m not in the market for anything newer than the one I’ve already got. You, on the other hand….”
They walked toward the front steps together. Jack kicked a few pebbles under his feet and tucked his hands into the front pockets of his trousers. “I don’t need new. I’d settle for well-used and reliable.”
Marie glanced at him as they walked up the stone steps, grinning wickedly. “You just described yourself, dear.”
He couldn’t offer a retort because Rick was standing there with a few other people. His son’s face lit up when he saw them. “You made it.” Rick trapped Marie and Jack in a fierce hug, squeezing the breath out of Jack.
“Of course we made it,” Marie told him softly.
Rick whispered, “It’s so good to see you guys.”
Jack took a deep breath as he kissed his son’s dark hair, reveling in the clean scent. Rick didn’t even have a trace of cigarette smoke on him, let alone anything worse. He seemed more fit and healthy than he had in years. When Jack had dropped Rick off months earlier, he had been skin and bones, with bad teeth and greasy hair hanging in his blue eyes. Now he was tall and strong and clean—inside and out. When they pulled back, Rick was beaming.
Rick reached for Doug and shook his hand before hugging him tightly. “Glad you could come too, Doug. It means a lot to me.”
Rick had never been one for sharing his feelings or expressing himself—even expressing gratitude came hard to him. Jack hated to admit it, but he and Rick had that in common. Knowing Rick had probably picked it up from him left a bitter taste in Jack’s mouth. Seeing Rick so open and so honestly grateful, so willing to say it, gave Jack new hope for him. Maybe this time all Rick’s efforts would pay off.
Doug beamed at Rick when they pulled back. “Means a lot to me that you wanted me here, Ricky.”
Jack smiled at him, thinking how lucky Marie was. Words fell from Doug’s mouth so easily. He imagined Doug and Marie having long, open talks about their feelings every other day. Sharing and then oversharing, anything and everything. The idea scared the hell out of Jack.
Of course in retrospect, his dislike of all things touchy-feely and emotion-related was probably part of the reason he’d been able to keep his own sexuality under wraps for so long. And if he really wanted to, he could probably trace his lack of emotional expression back to his own childhood. If he wanted to. Which he didn’t.
“Did you guys get a chance to look around at all?” Rick asked. Marie took his arm as the four of them walked over to a set of large glass doors, which led outside to a wraparound porch.
The center looked more like an antebellum mansion than a rehab facility. The people who ran it called it a retreat. It boasted sweeping grounds, trails for walking and horseback riding, morning yoga, massage, and meditation sessions four times a day. It included mandatory counseling, more than twice a day during the first month, and all of that was after a rapid detoxification program, which took seventy-two hours. Serenity Meadow was hailed as one of the best in the business, and their lasting recovery rate spoke for itself.
They were only two hours outside the city, but it felt even farther to Jack. He took a deep breath of the country air and pulled himself out of his thoughts. “Not yet.” He was slow to respond, but Rick nodded and smiled.
“It’s pretty nice here.” Rick stepped out onto the porch with them. “Almost makes me wish I could stay on here, but I’m dying to see the kids again.”
Marie tilted her head up to look at Rick as she said, “Doug and I have a visit planned with Lilly and Casey tomorrow. Shelley is letting us take them for the day so we can spend some time with them before we fly out.”
A hint of remorse flitted across Rick’s face, but he managed to return his mother’s smile. “I bet they’re excited.”
“They miss you.” Marie’s voice hung softly in the air, her words so quiet and so unobtrusive Jack wondered whether she’d meant to say them aloud. She rested her hand tenderly on Rick’s arm and said more confidently, “They talk about you all the time. Shelley has been wonderful.”
Rick’s eyes swam with tears. “I know. She’s great. She doesn’t want them to hate me or forget me. She’s even sent me their letters, and the kids have been drawing me pictures.”
Sighing, Marie hugged Rick’s shoulder, resting her head there. “There’s a reason you fell in love with her.”
Rick had met Shelley during one of his sober periods—not even twenty years old, too young for the responsibility of a wife or a family, but he’d really been trying to keep it together. His sobriety lasted for over two years before he started using again. Shelley knew Rick was an addict, but she hadn’t been prepared for what that meant until she woke up one morning and found out her recovering addict was no longer in recovery. Casey had just been born, and the two of them tried to make it work. Rick went into rehab for thirty days and went to Narcotics Anonymous after he got out, but a few years later, not long after Lilly had been born, he started using again and getting dangerous about it. Shelley finally left him when she found him passed out in a hot car with both of their kids in the backseat.
Ten minutes after Shelley left with the kids that afternoon, Rick found Serenity Meadow online and made calls to both his parents. He still sounded a little drugged on the
phone. Marie and Jack talked extensively about whether or not it was worth it, whether or not Rick really meant it, but after discussing it with the director and doing some research of their own, they both decided the possibilities and the hope were worth all the money in the world. Marie offered to pay the entire bill, but Jack wanted to have a part in it. He broke into his “retirement nest egg” and had Rick settled in by the end of the week. The fact that Rick could check himself out at any time had made everyone nervous at first, but things had been looking up ever since. Everyone was hoping Rick had hit rock bottom and was now climbing back up.
“I know why I fell in love with her,” Rick said, a sad smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Sometimes I’m just not sure why she fell in love with me.”
Jack wasn’t sure what to say to that, but he tried anyway. “Because you’re a good guy.” He hugged Rick again, and when he pulled back, Rick’s smile was a little less sad. “Don’t beat yourself up over the past, Son. Just move on and let everyone else do the same.”
When Jack looked at Marie, her eyes were so wide with disbelief he thought they might fall out of her head. He realized she had given him the same advice dozens of times over the years. He never took it, and she knew it.
“Davey says the same thing.” Rick pulled back, looking over his shoulder as if he might spot his counselor nearby. “I can’t wait for you guys to meet him. He’s been a lot of help.”
“I’m looking forward to it too,” Jack lied. What was he supposed to tell his son? The idea of meeting the counselor sent a small wave of nausea through him, but he couldn’t let Rick know that.
Chapter Four
AFTER THE tour Jack needed some air. He let Marie and Doug have a few minutes alone with Rick. Truthfully it was all feeling like too much. Too much hope, too much emotion, too much intimacy. Too much in general. Jack was grateful for the chance to escape for a while and walk around outside, hoping to clear his head.
He found himself at the side of a pond. Benches sat under apple trees and wildflowers dotted the grass around the water. It was lovely.
“Needed a break?”
Jack jumped at the sound of an unfamiliar voice behind him. He looked around and saw a man he guessed to be in his thirties. Shaggy blond hair hung over his clear green eyes, and he wore a snug-fitting T-shirt with a hot pink triangle on it. His yoga pants managed to cling in all the best places.
Jack’s pulse kicked up a notch even as he tried to remind himself this could be one of the “guests.” Regardless, picking someone up at your son’s rehab center was probably frowned upon in most circles.
“You could say that,” he answered with a sheepish grin, extending a hand as the stranger stepped closer. “Jack.”
“Seth.” The smile Jack got was brilliant, warmer than the sun, and Seth’s hand was strong and tender when it met his own. “Gets to be a bit much sometimes, all the talking and sharing….”
Jack was so relieved to hear someone voice his unspoken thoughts, he blurted out, “God, yes.” When Seth laughed Jack caught himself and said, “I mean, it’s great. It’s working miracles for my son, but….”
Seth quirked a brow, giving him a knowing look. “You’re just not that guy?”
“Exactly.”
“I felt the same way at first too.” Seth stepped closer. He was still a foot away, but Jack could feel the warmth radiating off him. He had to force himself to pay attention to the conversation when Seth added, “It takes awhile to get used to it all.”
Unsure how appropriate it was, Jack asked, “Are you a….”
“Guest?” Seth offered with another breathy laugh. “No, I’m not a patient. My brother struggled for most of our lives with drugs, and… well, here I am.”
Nodding in understanding, Jack told him, “My son has been up and down for a while. This place seems to be helping more than anything else has.”
Seth chewed the inside of his cheek, looking like he was considering his words before he said, “Probably because he wants to be here. Having a place where they can leave any time they want, where it’s not court mandated but a choice… I think that makes a lot of difference.”
Jack hadn’t thought of it that way. He had wanted the security of a locked-down facility when they’d first discussed it. “That makes a lot of sense, actually.”
Flashing another one of those brilliant smiles, Seth’s sea green eyes shined with kindness and teasing and playfulness. “I always make sense.”
Chuckling, Jack told him, “I’ll keep that in mind.”
There was a pause, just a second, where Jack thought that something flirty and sinfully dirty was going to come out of Seth’s mouth, but instead Seth said, “I better get back. It was great to meet you.” He offered Jack another brief handshake, which made him feel steadier on his own feet.
“Nice to meet you too. Maybe I’ll bump into you again.” Jack was stalling, he knew, but he didn’t want to let go of that hand.
Seth’s right cheek dimpled when he smiled and pulled away. “I don’t doubt it.”
Jack let himself watch as Seth’s athletic body made easy work of the rough trail. He took in the way the muscles shifted under that tight little shirt and the way his ass moved under the clinging black fabric of his pants. God, I’m ridiculous. Jack felt like an old pervert for a moment before checking his watch. It was almost time for the family therapy session.
God help him.
RICK LED the way up a long spiral flight of stairs, along a hardwood hallway, and into a large room that would have made a beautiful master bedroom. Jack saw more windows than walls, and a set of french doors led out to a small balcony.
He was surprised to find Seth sitting on a fluffy purple cushion next to one of the windows and wondered whether maybe they had the wrong room or whether their therapy session was for a different time slot.
“Davey,” Rick said, stepping forward as Seth stood. “This is my dad, Jack; my mom, Marie; and her husband, Doug.”
Seth stretched as if he’d been meditating for hours. He shook each hand and then said with a grin, “Jack and I met earlier on his walk.”
“Davey?” Jack asked, arching a brow at him.
Looking a little bashful, Seth explained, “Sorry about that. Last Halloween a few of the counselors and I dressed up as the Monkees. I was Davey Jones. They called me that for months, and then the new people thought that was my name. Now I have a genuine alias.”
Laughing at that, picturing Seth in his costume, Jack said, “I guess that could come in handy.”
Seth nodded in agreement, his voice teasing as he said, “Yeah, if I ever flee the country, I’m sure it’ll be nice to have.”
Rick was busy shifting cushions around the room, forming a small circle with them. He’d already kicked off his shoes and done a couple small stretches. Seth’s gaze stayed on Jack for a beat longer before he said to everyone, “Why don’t you guys all get comfortable and we’ll get started.”
Jack glanced down at himself. He’d worn a suit for the day, partly because he liked the way he looked in it, and partly because he was more comfortable in his business clothes for things like this. He wore his suit like armor, hiding in it. “I’m fine like this—”
Jack’s comment was cut off by Seth. “Shoes off, and maybe the tie? No one can be comfortable when their toes are pinched, and a tie is too much like a noose.”
Raising a hand and shaking his head in playful protest, Jack told him, “They’re not pinched, I promise. These are handmade Italian loafers.”
Seth cocked his head to the side and waited without saying a word. Before another minute passed, Jack and Marie had slipped off their shoes, and Jack had tucked his tie into his pocket. He took his jacket off too, trying to show he was willing to participate. Despite that fact, his palms were already sweaty.
Doug, of course, had already made himself at home. He had his shoes off within seconds of seeing Rick do it. He sat on one of the cushions and smiled gamely, as if he did this eve
ry day. Jack’s mouth fell open as Doug asked happily, “Do we meditate first or anything?”
Jack wasn’t sure he could fake his way through a meditation session on top of everything else.
Taking a seat on the little cushion again, Seth flashed another grin and shook his head at Jack as if he were reading Jack’s thoughts. He told Doug, “If you like, sure. But we usually just have a little getting-to-know-you round and then start to dig a little deeper.”
Sighing inwardly, Jack sat between Rick and Doug, trying not to grit his teeth. He hadn’t smoked in over twenty-five years—not since Marie told him she was pregnant—but he found himself patting down his pockets, unconsciously looking for a pack of cigarettes.
Looking at Jack and seeming to catch the telltale signs of his body language, Seth told him, “Sorry, no smoking anywhere on the grounds.”
Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, Jack said quickly, “I don’t smoke. I mean, I haven’t in decades. I just….”
Rick looked at his father. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
Nodding, feeling a little foolish, Jack told him, “Before you were born.”
Smiling broadly, Seth chimed in, “See? We’re already getting to know each other.” He paused for a minute and glanced around the room before saying, “I realize you’re all pretty familiar with one another, but I want to open this like we would any group session, okay? I’ll start.” Seth settled more comfortably on the cushion, folding his legs under him and sitting up straight. “I’m Seth. My brother was an addict, and shortly after he died, I started volunteering and eventually got my degree in psychology, and I’m working on my certificates for drug and alcohol counseling. I’ve been here nearly a year, finishing up my work-study, and… I can help if you’ll let me.”
Chapter Five
