by J. H. Knight
He reached for a pen and then wrote the first thing that came to mind.
I feel lonely, but I feel happy too. How is that possible?
Chapter Eight
JACK HAD nearly an hour until he was supposed to meet Mindy and Shawn for dinner, along with a blind date they’d arranged for him. Jack cringed every time he thought about it, but it hadn’t been an invitation—more like a demand from Mindy. Shawn’s friend from high school was back in town and—him and Jack being the only two gay people Shawn knew—Shawn thought they would be perfect for each other. Jack had some serious doubts, but the look on Mindy’s face when he tried to decline had stopped him from voicing them.
After a month of journaling, Jack had finally broken down and called one of the counselors Seth had suggested, mostly because he and Seth were becoming friends and Jack didn’t think he should be leaning on Seth and his free advice about his emotional state.
Counseling had been unnerving, uncomfortable, and unsettling. And every other “un” Jack could think of. But after four sessions, he finally felt like it was a good thing—painful and awkward, but good.
When his therapist, Lacy, had suggested he call his father, Jack didn’t know how to respond. He talked to his father fairly often. They called and sometimes exchanged cards on their birthdays and most of the major holidays. They’d even gotten together once or twice for dinner around Christmas. Granted, that had only happened four times in the past decade, and his father lived less than a half hour from him, but that wasn’t so unusual, was it? Lacy didn’t say one way or another whether it was unusual, but she did gently urge him to spend more time with his dad.
They had never been close, and when Jack’s mother had died almost fifteen years ago, it was easy to let the divide between them widen. She had been the glue keeping them together.
Jack could only blame himself for the topic coming up at all. When Lacy had asked about his family, Jack talked about Marie and Rick, even Mindy, though she wasn’t actually related. He left out his mother and father, aunts and uncles, even the cousins he’d grown up with. That seemed curious to Lacy, and so Jack got her standard response, “Let’s delve a little deeper into that.”
They delved into the time he spent on his uncle’s farm when he was thirteen, and the family camping trips he’d taken with his parents and his uncle’s family. They talked endlessly about the time when Jack was fifteen and he’d gone swimming in a lake with his cousin Robert, a boy only six months older than Jack.
They played all day in the water, racing and dunking each other, roughhousing. When they got out and were drying off, stripping out of their trunks to change clothes, Robert saw Jack’s half-hard cock and remarked on it quietly. Robert was in a similar state and, well, “things happened” was all Jack had told her at first.
Not unlike Seth, Lacy wasn’t happy with those kinds of answers, so he delved into that too. His first gay kiss. With his cousin. The memory still flooded him with embarrassment over thirty years later, mostly because his aunt had found them, naked and touching each other, kissing under the shade of a huge maple tree. She laughed at first, as if she thought it was a joke they were pulling on her. Then the look of recognition evaporated quickly before disgusted rage took over her features. She narrowed her eyes and tightened her mouth as she grabbed a stick and chased after them.
That had been the last family vacation they took together. He didn’t know whether his aunt had ever told his parents. Nothing was ever mentioned to Jack, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up. He didn’t even know whether Robert was gay or simply curious and horny and young. Robert was married with four kids now, but Jack had gotten married too, hadn’t he?
So with the minutes ticking away until his (most likely torturous) blind date, Jack held his phone in his hand and stared at it. He’d pulled his father’s contact info up, but he had to force himself to hit the little green phone icon and start the call.
After the third ring, he considered hanging up, and then he prayed for voice mail, but on the fourth ring, his father answered.
“Jack?” He sounded concerned, but that was reasonable. Thanksgiving was weeks away. “Everything all right, Son?”
He’d been dreading it, but hearing his father’s voice made his eyes prickle. The crying had gotten so much better over the past month. Maybe he’d been putting off this call because he subconsciously knew what would happen. “Hey, Dad. Everything’s fine, I just wanted to… say hi.”
That seemed to catch him off guard. Silence stretched between them until it felt thin and brittle, but his father finally said, “That’s real nice, Jack. We should do that more often.”
“Yeah.” Relief washed through Jack. His father was a good man, strong, sometimes severe, but kind in his own way. Jack had always felt small and stupid next to him. He’d always felt like hiding from him. Jack wondered now whether that was why his father always seemed distant. Maybe he sensed Jack’s hesitance and wasn’t forcing the issue. “We should.”
THEIR CONVERSATION didn’t last long, but by the time Jack hung up, they’d arranged to meet for lunch later in the week. When his father asked him what was new in his life, Jack was glad his dad couldn’t see the grimace on his face. Jack told him about the blind date and got the shock of a lifetime when his father laughed and told him “good luck” as they ended the call. Not bad for a man whose only response when Jack had come out to him years earlier had been to say, “You’re not gay. Man up and ride it out, for God’s sake.”
He still had twenty minutes before he had to leave for dinner, so Jack booted up his laptop. His first thought was to e-mail Seth, and wasn’t that telling? He wagered Lacy would think so too, but since Jack never brought Seth up in their sessions, he’d never know for sure. He understood what they talked about was confidential, but Seth knew Lacy. They’d even worked together. Blathering at her about his sophomoric crush on one of her friends and colleagues didn’t seem like a good idea.
E-mail:
Jackflash@email
Subject: News? Maybe?
I spoke with my father today. Since you and Lacy seem to have some brain-twin thing going about that, I thought you’d like to know. It went well, better than I expected. We’re going to lunch next week.
Rick called yesterday. I don’t know if you two have talked lately, but I wanted you to know he seems to be doing great. He and Shelley are still taking things slow, but that might be a good thing for now. Less pressure on him, at any rate.
I hope things are going good on your end. Do you have a job lined up for after your work-study?
Keep in touch,
Jack
He closed out his e-mail and shut down his laptop. It was after six, and he hadn’t even put on his shoes. He’d almost told Seth about the blind date, but some absurd part of him still held out a little sliver of hope they might make a go of it one day down the road, and he didn’t want Seth to close himself off to the idea because he was dating. Of course, if things went well with the blind date (yeah right), he would have to tell Seth. And probably go into great detail about his big sparkly special-snowflake feelings.
Laughing at himself, Jack went to his closet and picked a nice button-down shirt for the night. He considered wearing a tie, but every time he tried to decide on one, he heard Seth’s voice in his head telling him how akin to nooses they were. A suit was out of the question, so he found a pair of black jeans that fit his ass nicely and pulled it all together with a soft cashmere sweater, forest green. Mindy told him all the time he should wear jeans more often. Even if the night turned out to be a complete disaster, at least she would be happy with his outfit.
Chapter Nine
THE RESTAURANT Mindy chose for the night was a little Indian place near their condos. Neither of them could pronounce the name, so they always called it “the Indian Place,” as if there was only one in the city.
It took some time for him to find a parking spot, but once he did, Jack sat for a long moment, looking at his
reflection in the rearview mirror. He wasn’t really seeing himself, though. He stared back into his own blue eyes and saw the past forty-nine years there. He looked at his mistakes, his triumphs, his sorrows, and his joys. He thought about the closet he’d lived in, the reasons for it, the relief he felt when he finally said the words “I’m gay” to another living soul. He thought about the guilt too. He’d carried it around with him for so long, so many decades, that he actually felt lighter now he’d shed its weight. Who knew emotional baggage could be measured in pounds?
Jack still wasn’t looking forward to a blind date, but he was feeling better about himself and his life in general when he got out of the car.
Mindy had texted him twice asking where he was. He wasn’t late, not quite, but he usually showed up for appointments with ten minutes to spare, so she had probably started to wonder whether he’d chickened out. Her third text was a warning, reminding him she knew where he lived. He shook his head as he read it before going in.
Jack ran his hand nervously through his hair as he looked around the crowded dining room. Mindy caught his attention from a table in the corner. There were four chairs, but only two were occupied. A ridiculous sense of joy rushed through him when he saw Shawn seated next to her. He couldn’t help but grin, thinking Shawn’s friend might have canceled. If that were the case, maybe they really were perfect for each other.
“Don’t look so happy. He’s just using the restroom,” Mindy said, as if she could read his mind.
Jack fought a sigh and tried to smile as he sat down. “I was just glad to see you.”
Mindy flipped her hair off her shoulder and rolled her eyes. “Liar.”
He laughed and nodded in greeting to Shawn. “How’s it going?”
“Not bad,” Shawn told him, glancing at the wine list. “You?”
“Can’t complain.” They didn’t make it any further in their simple exchange. Jack’s phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out. He could feel a fresh smile spread over his face as he saw the e-mail alert on his screen. He normally wasn’t one to check messages at the table, but he couldn’t help himself when he saw it was from Seth. He had a job lined up in the city and planned to be in town looking for apartments. He asked whether Jack would like to get together for a coffee, if they both had a free afternoon.
It felt like his heart stuttered to a stop as he read it back again. Seth. In town. Moving here. His brain processed the information slowly at first, and then his smile turned to a broad grin. He’d have to wait to reply, because Mindy nudged him sharply with her elbow.
His date for the night stood in front of him, with a bright smile that reached his deep green eyes. “Jack?”
Jack held his phone up stupidly and said, “I was just reading your e-mail.”
Furrowing her brow, Mindy asked, “You two know each other?”
Jack stared at Seth as he took a seat, but he asked Shawn, “This is your old high school friend?”
Shawn seemed unfazed as he tore off a piece of naan and dipped it into a dark green sauce. “Yeah, we go way back.” He looked at Jack and asked, “How do you guys know each other?”
“He’s my son’s rehab counselor. Or, well, was. We’ve been e-mailing for a while now.” Seth still hadn’t said anything else, but his eyes were locked with Jack’s. The two of them could have been alone in the room, neither of them paying attention to anything else in the world at that moment.
“Wait, Seth is the guy you’ve had an inappropriate crush on for months?”
That got his attention. Jack turned to look at Mindy. “Remind me to kill you later.”
She beamed at him.
Shawn looked between Seth and Jack for a beat and then laughed. “Bullshit. Jack is the guy you were considering throwing your career away for? The one you wanted to jump in the woods at the rehab center?”
Covering his face with his hand, Seth muttered, “Remind me to kill you later.”
AFTER JACK had recovered from his shock, the dinner went well. Incredibly well, if he were being honest. He decided Mindy was allowed to have one more gay man in her life as long as it was Seth. Shawn had been right. To say Seth and Mindy got along well was an understatement. Their favorite thing to do together, it seemed, was tease Jack, but even that was okay.
Shawn and Mindy said good night and made Jack promise to give Seth a ride back to Shawn’s house later, since they weren’t ready to end the evening. It was a promise he didn’t mind making, especially when Seth took him by the hand and pulled him down the sidewalk in the cool evening air. “How about a cup of coffee?”
They were in one of the more artsy, liberal pockets of the city, so Jack laced his fingers through Seth’s. He didn’t care where they went or what they did. It was too damn nice to be in the same space as Seth, and nothing else mattered. He grinned when he realized they were technically on their first date.
They walked around the bustling shopping district as the businesses hustled customers out, ready to close down for the night. Neither of them said much, but every now and then, Seth would look at Jack and smile. Jack wondered whether he was feeling the same heady joy over being together. The look in Seth’s eyes made him think so.
When they found a small coffeehouse that didn’t seem too crowded, Seth ducked inside, pulling Jack with him. They both ordered decaf and then locked eyes across the scarred wooden tabletop.
As first dates went, theirs was strange. They knew so much about each other, and yet there were gaps, subjects they’d never touched on.
Seth knew more intimate details about Jack than even Marie or Lacy did, but he didn’t know little things like Jack’s favorite color, or what he liked to eat for dinner. Jack knew a lot about Seth’s family, what his life was like growing up, even his childhood dog’s name, but he never knew that Seth had lived less than a mile down the road from him, or that Seth and Rick graduated from the same high school—eleven years apart.
The waiter dropped off their coffee and a slice of blackberry pie they were planning on sharing. “I still can’t believe you’re the guy Mindy wanted to set me up with. She’s never tried to throw me at someone before.”
Seth had just taken a bite, and he laughed before he swallowed. “You’re lucky.” He chased the pie with a sip of coffee before going on. “Shawn will introduce me to anyone, even if he thinks they might just get curious when they’re drunk. They don’t have to be gay.”
That got a laugh out of Jack. “How did you guys meet? Shawn said you’ve been friends since high school.”
Seth smiled as if the memory made him happy. “Yeah, we met at the end of our freshman year. Started hanging out when we both made the swim team. I hadn’t come out yet, but people still gave me shit, ya know?” Jack nodded as Seth told him the story, trying not to get caught up in the idea of Seth in Speedos. “Maybe they did it to all the new kids, and I only noticed when they called me homo because I was? I don’t know.” Jack knew from their earlier conversations that Seth had been born and raised in California. His parents moved them to the Seattle area when Seth’s older brother started to get into drugs. Unfortunately the grunge scene exploded the same year, and not long after that, black tar heroin started making the rounds on the street.
Jack thought Seth’s parents probably had an intimate relationship with the kind of guilt he had carried around for far too long.
“Anyway,” Seth continued. “One day this guy, Jeremy, started really going at me in the locker room. I took a swing—which was stupid since he outweighed me by a good thirty pounds and was four inches taller than me. He swung back, knocked me on my ass, and was about to really kick the shit outta me. Then all of a sudden, it was over. The yelling died down, the crowd cleared… I figured the coach had broken it up, but there was Shawn. He had his fist in Jeremy’s hair, had him down on his knees, holding his towel up with his other hand.” Seth paused with a laugh, grinning as he said, “My hero, right? It was insta-love. For my part, at least. Then Shawn said, ‘So what if he’s gay
? He wouldn’t be into you even if he is.’ Then he made Jeremy apologize to me.”
Jack’s fondness for Shawn suddenly grew. He smiled as he asked, “Did you ever tell him you had a crush on him?”
With a tilt to his head and a dimple in his cheek, Seth answered, “Yeah, one night after a party. We were both a little drunk. That’s how I came out to him.” He paused for a sip of his coffee before going on. “He told me he had figured as much and was cool with it, but he didn’t swing that way. I told him I knew that already but thought he should know. That was it.”
Jack let that sink in for a moment. “Were things awkward after? When you were sober, in the light of day?”
Shrugging, Seth grinned and took a bite of pie before he answered. “Things are as awkward as you let them be. Shawn and I are both talkers. We like to get everything out in the open, ya know? We were fine, still are.”
“Do you still… I mean, just out of curiosity, do you still have… feelings for Shawn, or…?”
Seth let out a loud bark of laughter at the question. Then he decided to torture Jack. “Oh yeah. Big time feelings.”
A flush of heat crept up Jack’s neck. It prickled his ears and made him shift in his seat. Seth must have noticed because he added, “He’s my best friend, Jack. My very straight best friend. I got over my crush on him a long time ago.” Then he did something that had Jack’s skin flushing for a different reason. He reached across the table and laced his fingers with Jack’s. “My tastes have changed somewhat since high school.”
Chapter Ten
STANDING BY the car with his key in hand, Jack said, “I don’t know the way to Shawn’s. You’ll have to give me directions.” The evening had turned into a late night. They’d stayed at the café for over two hours, talking, laughing, and flirting. So many times Jack had wanted to lean over and kiss Seth. Even now, standing on the sidewalk, he found himself hesitating as he tried to find the best way to pull Seth into his arms.
