by Sadie Grubor
"Th-that's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean Sophia, because it sounded like you said mistake to me?" The way he glowered at me sent fear through my body.
"My being pregnant wouldn't exactly be a good thing Collin. The whole thing would be a mistake, but not the way you are taking it." I had meant my words to have more conviction, but the look on his face was really shaking me.
"We'll take care of this now." He stood and walked toward my door.
"What are you –"
"I'll be back." His cold tone cut me off, the sound of my door closing at his departure. There was no holding back the tears now. Burying my face into my pillow to muffle my cries, my body jerked.
I was still buried in the down softness when my door opened. His soft footsteps were the telltale sign he was in my room and next to my bed. He cleared his throat and with a roll of my eyes I pulled the blanket down.
"Here."
In his hand was a plastic white stick I planned to purchase tomorrow after taking Victoria to school. Glancing up at him, his face had softened. He knelt down beside the bed and cupped my cheek.
"I apologize for my reaction. It's just…would it be so terrible to have my child?" His eyes searched my face. Slowly I sat up to the edge of the bed.
"Collin, a baby would not be a good idea. Not for me, not now. It was never because it would be yours." Both of my hands grabbed his face and looked into his eyes.
"I would be happy." His words were just a breath and my stomach knotted. Part of me rejoiced in the fact he would indeed want me and the baby, if there was one. The other part of me was concerned he would now want that, if there wasn't one. Rather than linger too long on the last thought, I took the test from his hand and headed to the bathroom.
The clicking sound of the plastic cap was like the exclamation point on a scream. My hands began to shake and I felt dizzy. Setting the dreaded stick on the counter I had never wanted to fail a test so badly. His knock on the door pulled me from my looming breakdown.
"Y-yeah?" The shaking of my voice was unavoidable.
"May I?" He pushed the door open without letting me respond. That was good, because I couldn't have responded anyhow.
One look at the state I was in and he wrapped his arms around me. The tightness of his embrace was the only thing keeping me from collapsing on weak legs.
"Everything will be fine." His lips pressed to my fore head. One rogue tear escaped my eye. I tried to stealthily turn my cheek to his chest, hoping his shirt would wipe it away.
"It should be time." I whispered out.
Still keeping one arm tightly around me, he reached for the test. I held my breath.
"Do you want to –" I shook my head. "You're not pregnant."
I exhaled loudly in relief and grabbed the test from his hand to see for myself. 'Not Pregnant' was displayed in the gray oval. Liberation from impending motherhood washed through me. A smile spread on my face.
"See, worried for nothing." The disappointment in his tone, even with his great effort to hide it, was still noticed. I said nothing.
After wrapping the test up in a wad of toilette paper and throwing it away, he led us out of the bathroom. I walked toward my bed to climb back in, but his grasp on my nightshirt stopped me just before I reached the edge.
"Not there."
Pulling me from my bed, my room, and down the hall to his, we tangled ourselves around each other and fell to sleep. No more talk about pregnancy or babies.
The next morning went about in the normal fashion. Collin was already awake and in his office, when I was getting up to prepare Victoria for the day. Once she was dropped off at school, I made my call to the clinic about the birth control shot. The nurse told me I could stop by, since they had some openings that morning.
It cost me a few tubes of blood, some urine, and a couple hundred dollars, since I didn't have medical insurance, but it was worth it not to go through that scare again. Before I left, I made an appointment to return in three months for the next shot.
On the drive home I was feeling good. I mean I felt really good. When I pulled into the driveway something felt off, but I couldn't place my finger on it. Collin was gone, but that was normal. He was working at the hospital today. When I still couldn't figure it out I shrugged it off and went inside the house.
My first stop was in the kitchen to make sure breakfast was completely cleaned up and that the dishwasher was running. The next thing was for me to put together my book so I could submit it for publication.
It took me three hours to get it put together the way each publishing house required their submissions. However, when I finally had them all put together I submitted some electronically and the others I bundled up to mail.
Stepping off the last step is when I realized what was off in the driveway. My eyes widened at my realization and I ran to the front door. Throwing it open I froze on the front porch.
Where the hell was my jeep?! He wouldn't, would he? I pulled out my cell phone and dialed his number. When I got voicemail and hung up.
I'm going to kill him.
Chapter Twenty Three
It felt like it had been hours since I started pacing my room. Victoria was in bed, fast asleep, and Dr. Bishop still had not gotten home. I tried to call him one more time, but still got voicemail. Thinking a shower may help to settle me down, I made the attempt.
Ten minutes into my shower the screech of the shower curtain surprised me. I spun, a small gasp falling from my lips. The moment my eyes locked onto his emeralds my face hardened. Forgetting about being naked with soapy bubbles on my body, I stepped toward him and poked his chest.
"What gives you the right to get rid of my car?"
"I know you're angry, but that piece of scrap metal with wheels was not safe for –"
"You don't get to decide for me." I hissed.
He backed away. I stepped from the shower, following him.
"It's my vehicle, not yours. I'm not a child and you have no right to just decide it needed to go." The venom in my words was thick. I could see both anger and regret battling on his face.
"I only did it for your safety. I don't want you driving that thing." His argument was weak and the predator in me sensed it. I pounced.
"What right do you have to make that decision?" I shouted.
"I have a right," he argued loudly and pressed forward until we were almost bare chest to white dress shirt.
"NO, you have no right!" I poked his chest again.
"When the woman my daughter and I love unnecessarily risks her life, I have a right."
My eyes narrowed, crossing my arms over my chest. Not an easy thing to do when your body is soapy.
"Don't you dare bring Victoria into this!"
"Why not? I'm right!"
"No, you aren't Collin!" A groan of frustration fell escaped. "It was my car, it belonged to me and I can make decisions for myself."
His brow knitted together in anger and he opened his mouth to argue, but I stopped him.
"Just, get out. I need to rinse off and I want to be alone." It was clear he wasn't getting it and probably wouldn't understand where I was coming from.
"Sophia –" I put my hand up. He didn't finish.
Turning and climbing back into the shower, I roughly jerked the curtain shut. Silence filled the bathroom and I assumed he had gone. He had, but he hadn't gone far.
Stepping from the bathroom in my pajamas, Collin sat on the edge of my bed. He straightened when I stepped forward with my arms over my chest.
"I apologize." He spoke quickly.
"For what?" Wanting to know if he really understood.
"For getting rid of your jeep." He looked at me in annoyance.
"And for..?" He looked confused and unsure. "Christ Collin. You don't get it. Don't treat me like a child or someone you can just order around."
"I don't." He stood defensively.
"By just getting rid of my truck without my permission, you do. You don't o
wn me Collin. I may work for you, but you don't dictate my personal life."
"I never said I owned you." The hurt expression on his face began to chip away at the anger I held on to all afternoon.
"Can't you try to understand what I'm saying, where I'm coming from?"
"I just, Sophia, I was trying to keep you safe." He collapsed back to a seated position.
That single look and move pushed my compassionate side to emerge from the boiling anger. With two steps I was before him with my hands on each side of his face.
"I know, but in the same token, you are being controlling. Please don't try to control the things in my life."
His hands found my hips and squeezed.
"Will you at least listen to me if I talk to you about it?" He looked up at me.
"Of course," I quickly answered, but then thought better to clarify my response. "As long as you realize it doesn't mean you'll get your way."
Tension formed in his shoulders, but quickly dissipated. He pulled me against him tightly.
"Please don't leave." His words were mumbled against my abdomen.
"What?" I whispered. "I never said I was –"
"I don't like fighting with you."
I ran my fingers through his hair.
"Then don't piss me off." I giggled. His shoulders shook in silent laughter.
We slept in my bed.
The next morning was different. Collin was very…hell, unusual is the only way I could describe it. He seemed to be everywhere I was, quietly lurking. When I went to get Victoria out of bed and ready for breakfast, I noticed him pass her door twice. Downstairs he appeared in the kitchen while I fixed breakfast and Victoria ate. He didn't say anything other than good morning and have a good day to Victoria, but he sat there with coffee and the newspaper. Like I said, it was unusual. Victoria even noticed.
"Is my daddy okay?" Her voice was barely audible and her hands were nervously twisting in her lap.
"Yes, as far as I know." There was a long silent pause. "He was kind of strange this morning though."
Her head popped up from her lap.
"That's what I was thinking. He's never sat with me at breakfast before. I was worried I was in trouble."
"Why in the world would you be in trouble?" I glanced to her briefly before returning my eyes back to the wet blacktop.
"I don't know. It was just weird."
"I couldn't agree with you more." I sighed out.
We reached St. Johns. I walked her to the steps today, instead of letting her go it alone. I'm not sure why, but it felt like we both needed it.
When I turned back and looked at the curb of similar cars, nannies, and identically dressed children, I thought back to the first time I experienced this. It felt outer-worldly, like the Twilight Zone, but now it was familiar and comforting. For a split moment I worried I was getting lost in this life.
By the time I reached the car, I had shaken off my thoughts. With a couple of errands to run, I kept my mind focused on those. The dry cleaners, grocery store, and needing to stop at my local cell phone shop for a new battery were just a few things requiring my attention.
Pulling into the driveway I first noticed the empty spot my car used to sit. There was a pang of anger before I calmed myself down. Then I saw Collin was still home. I thought he was at the hospital again today. I dropped the dry cleaning off over the banister and continued to the kitchen with the groceries.
I felt him there before I saw him sitting at the kitchen table. His eyes followed everything I did and it was unnerving.
"Okay, what is it?" I hadn't meant for my words to be so rough sounding, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
"What?" He asked confused.
"You know what. Something is going on, what is it?" The roughness of my words was gone.
"The lawyer called this morning." His eyes dropped to a folder in front of him. I stiffened and panic swallowed my heart. The panic must have been evident on my face.
"Grace will not have the rights to visitations, unless she comes to the house under our supervision."
The tension slackened.
"Well, that's not bad. You made it sound like there was something wrong." When his demeanor didn't change the panic swarmed inside me furiously. "Something is wrong, isn't it?" I choked out.
He sighed deeply. "She has evidence of our personal relationship and when the social worker talks to Victoria I can't ask her to lie." My arms wrapped around me in an attempt to keep my chest from exploding. "They could request I release you from your position and may possibly request a social worker visit and inspect the home."
Large hot tears streamed over my cheeks. My legs weakened and I felt as if I would fall over at any moment. The swarming panic stung at my insides like angry hornets. The screech of his chair on the tile floor brought me back from my pain. He was in front of me in a matter of seconds.
"You aren't going anywhere." The green blaze in his eyes almost burned.
"But…" the sobs began to slip out. "You can't do that to Victoria and I won't –"
His hands clamped around my upper arms and he pulled me into his chest.
"You aren't leaving. I will figure something out and things will be fine." His hold tightened on me and my chest jerked from the sobs being held back.
"If you just…" I swallowed the lump in my throat, "get another nanny then you won't have to worry about figuring anything out."
Collin pulled back and held me at arm’s length with green fire blazing in those eyes.
"Do you think that's what Victoria wants?" He spat. I tried to open my mouth to speak but he covered it with his hand. "You should damn well know I don't want another person taking care of Victoria. She has never looked at any other woman like a child looks at their mother, until you."
The held back sobs no longer could be controlled. I sobbed and he held me back to his chest. After choking out my last cry, I quieted my hiccups, and he spoke again.
"I love you, Victoria loves you, and when I meet with my lawyers tomorrow I will figure out what needs to be done."
We stood in the middle of the kitchen in silence. Both of us knew there wasn't really any miraculous answer to this situation. We couldn't even be sure what the judge was going to say or how he would react for sure. Everything was up in the air.
Picking Victoria up from school was difficult. I knew she could sense my mood and it was hard not to break down at the sight of her. The thought of not seeing her every day, not taking care of her was eating away at my insides. Collin and I needed to further discuss me stepping away from being her nanny. It was the best solution, no matter how much it hurt.
Our conversation was pretty generic, talking about her school day, what she wanted for dinner, and if she had any homework to complete after her lesson.
"Sophia, are you okay?"
Turning from the sizzling chicken in front of me I looked into her face. I smiled. It wasn't forced, but it wasn't whole heartedly either.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"You look sad?"
"I do?" I turned back to the chicken and rolled my eyes at myself. She wasn't stupid. She could tell something was off.
"Are you still mad at daddy about your car?"
I spun around, surprised she even knew about the truck.
"No, of course not."
"Then why are you sad?" Her small brow furrowed. "Are you leaving?" She wouldn't look at me. Her eyes were tightly clenched shut. My heart cracked at the sight.
It took me four long strides to round the bar and put my arms around her.
"No. I'm not leaving."
Tension melted from her body and her arms wrapped around my waist. We stayed that way for awhile. The smell of burning food ended our embrace.
"I think the chicken is burnt." I chuckled out.
She giggled and pulled her face from my shirt. Cold dampness spread on my chest. I hadn't even realized she had been crying. I bent down so we were face to face.
"Pizza?"
&
nbsp; She smiled and nodded excitedly. I turned off the chicken and went for the phone.
Two more days passed and it was early Sunday afternoon. Having decided the night before I needed to get Victoria out of the house and into fresh air, I made plans for a picnic at the park and playground time. She was surprised and excited when I told her our plans.
We were placing the picnic basket, blankets, and other things by the door when Collin emerged from his office and decided he would join us. His mood had become better and his lingering was less. Though, he had made breakfast with Victoria a regular event. It thrilled Victoria, which thrilled me.
The minute the blanket was on the ground Victoria was begging for the playground. I pretended to debate if she was allowed or not, before giving in to her pout face. Collin and I followed her to the bright colored bars and black rubber swings.
I was a little surprised when his hand slipped into mine. We walked hand in hand, publicly, finding a bench to sit and watch Victoria. It took me awhile to get comfortable with his attention, especially in front of the other families in the park. Just when comfort set in and I leaned back into his chest one of his acquaintances stepped in front of us. I stiffened.
"Dr. Bishop, it's good to see you." A tall blonde man held out his hand with a large bright smile on his face.
"Dr. Greer, how are you?" Collin stood from the bench and grasped the man's hand firmly.
"I don't think I have ever seen you out here before."
"Yes, yes, well, I'm learning to live a little lately." I swear to God he almost blushed. Then both men glanced in my direction when I moved.
"Excuse me," I gave a small smile and tried to walk over to Victoria.
"Harry, please let me introduce you to Sophia." Collin grasped my arm and held me against his side.
"Well, it's a pleasure to me you." He held out a hand, I took it.
"It's nice to meet you as well." I smiled, uncomfortably. "I'm going to check on Victoria." I excused myself again and walked over as Victoria slid down the bright yellow pole. Catching her at the bottom, I tickled her sides.
"Ahh…stop!" She laughed out.
"Are you hungry yet?"
She smiled and nodded. Clasping hands, we walked over to Collin. He and Dr. Greer were still talking. We only caught the end of something Dr. Greer was saying.
