In 1983 I was the leading rider again, but by now I knew that it was going to be a short-term satisfaction for a long-term problem. It was not going to be the joy, peace, and contentment that I was seeking. But we got the title, and then in late January while vacationing with my family in Colorado, my brother and his wife and my wife and I all tied one on. We continued to mix it up pretty good, drinking beer, wine, and I don’t know what all. In the aftermath I got quite sick, so I didn’t drink anything. On January 27 I flew from Colorado to Miami, where I was scheduled to ride in a race on the twenty-eighth at Hialeah Race Track. I arrived in late evening. I was traveling by myself and checked into the hotel near the Miami International Airport.
When I got into the room, I turned on the TV set, as is a habit of mine, oftentimes just for company or noise, and went about getting ready for bed. I went about hanging up my clothes, when I noticed that I had tuned into a televised crusade of Jimmy Swaggart, the evangelist. Because I felt that I was a Christian, I didn’t think what he had to offer was what I was looking for. I certainly wasn’t going to sit and listen to some Bible-thumper preacher. Really at that point in time, I thought that to be vocal about your faith was for women, children, and wimps! It was a sign of weakness in my opinion. You had to “be a man,” to have a go-it-alone kind of attitude.
So I flipped through the channels and nothing got my attention. I turned the TV set off and went to bed, and when my head hit the pillow, I went sound asleep. This was highly unusual—without several drinks as a sedative, it would ordinarily have been a difficult chore—because that evening I was probably as sober as I’d been in a long time. It was an incredibly deep sleep, and when I awoke, I felt I’d been sleeping all night. I woke to the distinct feeling that I wasn’t by myself in that hotel room, which initially was reason for concern. I sat up in bed and looked around. I couldn’t see anything, but I felt a definite presence there with me.
I don’t know if the Lord at that point prompted me to get up and turn the TV on, or if I did it on my own to rid myself of these feelings. But I got up and turned it on and realized, as the picture came on the screen, that I hadn’t slept long at all, because Jimmy Swaggart was still on, and he had just delivered the message of salvation and was having an altar call—where he invited people to come forward and invite Christ into their hearts. I realized in that instant that the presence in that room with me was the spirit of the Living God. I was being given the opportunity to bend my knee and invite Christ into my life.
Now, they say that when you die, your whole life passes through your eyes, and in a sense, my whole life passed before my eyes that night. I could see the number of times in the previous thirty years that, given the drinking and drugs and the kind of life-style that I was living, I was headed for destruction. I would be one step away from self-destructing, and this hand would materialize. It would gently nudge me back from the edge. At that moment, I intuitively knew that what I’d been longing for and what I needed was a relationship with God. I knew that the void in my life was a God-shaped void, and only God could fill it. I fell on my knees and wept and cried and invited Jesus Christ into my life.
I don’t know how long I was on the floor. I finally got up and went back to bed. I do know that when I got up the next morning and went outside that it was a decidedly different world. The world hadn’t changed, but I had. The Bible says that when you accept Christ into your life, you become a new creature. The old things pass away, and all things become new again, and I was a new creature in Christ.
Now, I couldn’t have verbalized that and told you at the time. I’ve since come to learn and realize that what happened was I became born again through the spirit of the Living God. I went on about my business that day, and it was incredible. The grass seemed greener, the sky bluer. All of a sudden, my senses were so in tune with everything around me. Whereas I was so dulled with the drugs and alcohol and the life-style I’d been living, now everything has taken on a new brilliance.
So I went about my way that day and finished up the races and got on a plane to fly back to Colorado. After we got into the air, a stewardess came by and asked if I wanted a drink. When I was sober, I was really a pretty polite individual, yet I snapped at her. I said, “No!” She said, “Okay, fine.” I can picture the look on her, the astonished and shocked look on her face that I would snap at her like that. Then I sat back in my chair and said, “Now where did that come from?” I started looking inside. I realized that not only did I not find alcohol appealing, but I found it repulsive. And I truly believe that at the moment I accepted Christ into my life, He broke the chains of bondage to drugs and alcohol.
I have never gone to rehab or had a relapse. I’ve been in the company of people doing drugs and alcohol, and it’s not like I have to fight the urge. What I do is try to talk to people who are doing it into not doing it: “That’s not the way to go. That’s not what you need to be doing. This isn’t the answer to your problems. Here, I have the answer, let me share it with you.” The people that I was trying to witness to and minister to were the same ones that I had partied with. They were like, “Git owda here!” That caused me to have to find a new circle of friends. Whether you are reaching the pinnacle of success or falling on your back, until you want help, God Himself won’t separate you from the habit or addiction that you don’t want to get rid of.
A lot of people thought that the change that had taken place in my life was a momentary thing, and that I would come out of it, but Christianity to me is not a way of life, it is life. It is a continual, ongoing, ever-growing, intimate walk with the Lord. He is faithful. They now recognize that what happened to me was for real, that it wasn’t a passing fancy. I recovered the day I accepted Christ. I was set free. When I sat down on the plane that night and snapped at the lady (and I apologized), the change had already taken place. As I said, when you accept Christ into your life you become a new creature.
I truly believe that if someone with an addiction of any kind has a heart’s desire, a heart’s cry, to be rid of that addiction, God will give that person the power to overcome. In my case, He instantaneously delivered me from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Now, there’s other areas of my life that the Lord and I together work on daily. I’ve always been competitive, but I wasn’t a very good loser, and I was known to throw a temper tantrum if I got beat a nose in a race or if something didn’t go my way. I had a vicious temper. But with the Lord’s help, today I’ve got that in check.
And I realized right away that I was going to have a hard time witnessing for the Lord and living for the Lord if I used the kind of vulgarity that is second language—sometimes primary language!—in a locker-room environment. I was clear on that: Stay away from coarse talking. So the Lord has helped me and is continuing to help me to monitor my words and be careful about what I say and how I say it.
It’s all a process, and God is continuing to work in and through me. God is faithful even when I’m faithless. So I’m not in recovery or recovering, I’m going in the spirit of the Lord and in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. As far as drugs and alcohol, I was set free from the moment I accepted Him. The Bible says that if you know the truth, then the truth will set you free. Elsewhere it says Jesus Christ is the Way and the Truth and the Life, and nobody comes to the Father except through Him. He is the Truth, and if you know the Truth, then the Truth will set you free. If you invite Christ into your life, you experience the power of God working in your heart and in your life. You experience the forgiveness of your sins, you are reconciled to God, and you have the power of God to tap into. It’s not by might or by power, but by my spirit, sayeth the Lord. And it’s the spirit of God working in and through me that allows me to be the person that I am and to be where I am today.
My life is better than it’s ever been, and getting better by the day. I’d be lying if I said it was all just smooth sailing! I have good days and bad days—everybody does. That’s part of being human. But my life is so incredibly better than it was
twenty years ago.
I joke that I was like one of those life-sized cartoon characters, Popeye and all, air-filled but weighted at the bottom. That weight will finally bring them upright. For me, God was the weight at the bottom. My mother and father laid the foundation by raising me the right way, and I just waffled back and forth, back and forth, until on January 27, 1984, when I accepted Christ and finally came upright. By the grace of God, I have stayed that way for the most part.
My mother is still living; my father passed away in ’86. Both parents saw me sober and straight. They had seen me at my worst, and it wasn’t something they were proud of, yet at the same time, I think they recognized that they had raised me right—they had laid the groundwork. When the rubber meets the road, ultimately the choice has to be made. Needless to say, both my mother and father were ecstatic when the change occurred in my life. I wish my father was alive today to see the continuing change that has taken place, the success that the Lord blessed me with, and the positive influence that I trust I’m making on people I come into contact with in racing.
My daughter was born in 1986, so she never saw me under the influence of drugs and alcohol and never saw me in bad shape, but we have talked about the dangers of such. I’ve shared harrowing stories with her—near misses and close calls—and tried to impress upon her that I’m not proud of that. I only share with her for the reason I share with you, that she might learn from my mistakes.
I often share my testimony and tell people that if they’re out there today and have a problem, know that there’s help. I don’t share to glamorize alcohol or drugs or make it look like what I did was all right—not by any stretch of the imagination! I despise what I did to myself, my family, and my friends—and what I very nearly did to the God-given talent and ability to communicate with horses and ride races that the Lord has blessed me with. To treat His love, grace, and mercy with disregard is disheartening to look back on, but I share in hopes that if there’s someone on the verge of getting involved that they’d recognize it’s the wrong way to go. That if they are involved, there’s hope and help, and that they can turn away from that life.
yes, it’s true—I’m mellowing
in the old days
to cross my room you’d have to
step around and between
discarded trash and empty
bottles but
now the trash is
packed neatly into
sturdy garbage cans;
also I’m a good citizen, I save
my bottles for the city of Los
Angeles to
recycle
and I haven’t been in a drunk
tank for a good ten
years.
boring, isn’t it?
but not for me as I now
stay in at night,
listen to
Mahler and watch the walls
dance;
as newly mellow recluse that’s good enough
for me.
so I’m turning the streets back over
to you,
tough guy.
—Charles Bukowski, “Poems for the Young and Tough”
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now—when?
—saying of Hillel
Richard Lewis
(comedian)
* * *
AS OFTEN HAPPENED with this book, a friend of mine recommended an interview—in this case, the ubiquitous and uproarious comedian Richard Lewis. Richard’s publicist, Michelle, happens to be an old acquaintance of mine. I called her, and she told me she would contact Richard with my request. Within what seemed like minutes, I got an e-mail from her telling me that Richard would love to do my book. After a few more e-mail exchanges trying to set a time and place, Michelle gave me Richard’s phone number at the hotel where he was staying in New York and suggested I call and make my own arrangements. I called, Richard was out, so I left a message. What follows is the phone message, verbatim, that I received from Richard that afternoon.
Gary, it’s Richard Lewis. I’m in Manhattan, uh, but I’m not here a lot. The best thing to do … First of all, I got your nice e-mail. I read your lovely note to Michelle. I guess you guys go back a long time too. Listen, here’s a couple of options. She had mentioned the twenty-fourth. I fly the twenty-third, but those last few days in August, I have to finish up a Playboy article for … You know, that’s my deadline, those few days. And you said a half hour. I usually go a little over. We could plan on forty-five minutes to an hour tops. Plus I wrote a book, The Other Great Depression, which would fill in a lot of blanks, as I literally did write my story in that book. I think it’s like ten dollars on Amazon now. I’ll have to buy you a muffin if I ever see you.
But look, I have a show tonight. You e-mail me at [———]. Here are some options. I mean, today I have to prepare for my show, but tomorrow in the morning, I have to meet someone at noon, but I get up pretty early. You know, if we did it like nine o’clock, nine-thirty, or ten. And then I’m done with lunch at … After two-thirty, as close to two-thirty as possible, that’s a possibility tomorrow. Like between … anytime between nine-thirty and eleven is good tomorrow. Tuesday, uh, I’m sorry. Yeah. No, no, wait, what am I saying? Jesus Christ, I’m so jet-lagged! Tomorrow, fuck me! Let’s see. Mmm. Uh. Mmm. Mmm!
Sunday, huh, huh, okay. I’m going to get beeped off here, damn it! Monday I have a … I’m out of here from eight-thirty to around, uh, eleven, okay? Then I have lunch from twelve to two. So like after two-thirty on Monday is good. Okay? On Tuesday, uh, shit, I’m sorry … Tuesday I’m cool in the morning after nine-thirty. I have a lunch from twelve to two on Tuesday. And then I’m free after two-thirty, okay? Monday I’m free almost all day, the earlier the better. I have a dinner on Monday. Tonight, today’s no good, okay? But, uh, Sunday, uh, I have a dinner, uh, but that’s it. So Sunday is good. [cut off by answering machine]
Voice mail, twelve seconds later:
Gary, it’s best you leave me some options for your … I forgot today was Friday. I have a concert tonight. So today’s no good. Tomorrow I could find forty-five minutes on the phone with you. You know, I’m up after nine o’clock, nine-thirty. The earlier the better for me. You just e-mail me and tell me if I can call you. If you even work on weekends. You had mentioned the twenty-fourth, or Michelle did, but I come home the twenty-third. Then I have three or four days to finish a big piece for Esq … Playboy in four days. So I could do it, but I just … I’m in New York and I have some spare time, so …
So tomorrow I could find the forty-five minutes to an hour, say. That’s more than a half hour, but that’s fine. I also wrote a book, The Other Great Depression, which is easily gotten off Amazon in a day for like ten bucks. So that will fill in the blanks, should you even care to look at it. I mean that. I’m … you know … but you’re … I’ll … the interview will be good.
Sunday I have a dinner, so I’ll be working Sunday. I have a … so Sunday I could do it too, from my hotel, if you wanted to spend forty-five minutes on the phone. Okay? Monday morning I’m out of here from eight-thirty to around eleven. Okay? And, uh, so that takes care of the morning on Monday. And Monday night … But Monday after eleven-thirty I’m good. Tuesday I can’t do it. I can do it in the morning, but I can’t do it from twelve to two. And then I have the evenings fucked up … But, you know, we wouldn’t do it in the evening anyway. And, uh … so that’s that. Those are good windows, right? And then Wednesday and Thursday I’m going to be pretty much here writing a few essays to try to sell another book. And I have to prepare for a big concert Friday night, so I’ll be mainly in my hotel Wednesday and Thursday. I easily could find the time to do it with you Wednesday or Thursday. So that’s like almost four or five days. It would really be a pleasure to get it over with, only in that it would help you to help me, rather than wait till I get back after the twenty-third, because it’s going to get a l
ittle jammed from the twenty-third to the end of the month. I could do it, but I can find the time here, I mean. Uh, so those are the windows. Play the message back and then e-mail me and let me know. Give me a couple of options, and I’ll e-mail you back or call you and then hopefully we can do it while I’m here.
All right. And then, good luck with the book. It sounds fabulous.
This morning I was writing somebody I’ve been trying to help, giving him a panorama of New York. Telling him that while I was here performing, I was just walking around, seeing the Chrysler Building and thinking that John Ritter is dead, and Zevon’s dead, and Farley’s dead—not just alcoholics. The guy I was addressing is very well-known in show business, and I said, “It’s your choice. It’s a beautiful day here in New York. I’m sitting in my hotel room writing. I got my headphones on listening to Jimi Hendrix, and who knows for how long?” I said to him, “If a safe doesn’t fall on your head, you got to be out of your fuckin’ mind to go back to using again.”
I know anything can happen. I’m a Friar and I went to the Friars Club yesterday. There’s a lot of elderly people there, and I found out that two friends had passed away. I knew they were getting up in age and were ill, but I was really shaken by it, so I walked around New York City all day yesterday and went to all my old haunts. I visited all my old bartenders. They all know I’m sober now. These are guys I love. It was such a great feeling, to see them and greet them. Have a Diet Coke, tip them in a little grandiose fashion, but it was okay. I just wanted to say, “Hey, I’m alive.” These guys took care of me. None of them would let me get carried out of their restaurants. Now it was just fun to go to a bar and not drink. To be sober at a bar.
The Harder They Fall Page 23
