by Helly Acton
Millie:
I’ll make you an apology tea when you’re in
Eight
The four friends stare out of the window across the twinkling city lights at dusk, their foreheads shiny and their chests heaving. They turn to each other with a look so shook you’d think they’d just escaped from prison. Sam gave Ruth tickets to a Spin for your Supper experience on Tower Bridge for tonight. Millie regretted it the second she was forced to sit at the front of the class. In any other class – like still life or flower arranging – the front would be proud-teacher’s-pet Millie’s go-to spot. Not when she’s in literal spitting distance of the instructor, who was definitely out for revenge on someone.
‘Do you think Sam’s trying to tell you something?’ Millie pants, slumping at the table with shaky legs.
‘Now I do,’ Ruth replies, frowning. ‘But what’s she trying to say?’
‘Has she made you take out life insurance recently?’ Al wheezes.
‘I think I nudged that instructor on Slide last week,’ June comments out of the blue. ‘If that’s how she spins, imagine what she’s like in bed.’ She exhales dramatically. ‘Intense.’
‘Still, please thank Sam for the freebie,’ Millie says. ‘Remind me again – why isn’t she here?’
‘Yes, why didn’t your girlfriend want to be tortured in a dark basement for an hour before indulging in a delicious feast of . . . watercress soup?’ Al asks, turning the menu over. ‘Where is the booze on this menu? I need a pint of Pinot after that.’
‘It’s a health café,’ June explains. ‘Booze-free.’
‘I did not sign up for this,’ Al groans.
‘Sam isn’t here because this is me time. Us time. I don’t want my relationship to encroach on my friendships,’ Ruth answers. ‘I think it’s healthy to have our own lives, our own space. Look, just because we’re together, it doesn’t mean we need to actually be together all the time. We don’t need to be in each other’s pockets. Especially with you three. It’s awkward being the only couple at a table full of singles.’
Ruth catches Millie’s eye. It’s June that’s the problem. Millie’s had dinner with Ruth and Sam a few times, and it’s been mostly fine. Admittedly, she didn’t love it when Sam spoon-fed Ruth a taste of her starter. She didn’t know where to look.
‘Besides,’ Ruth continues, ‘if we want to socialise as a couple, we tend to go out with our couple friends.’
‘What the actual?’ Al says. ‘You have other friends? You know other couples? Do you guys sit around playing board games for four and laughing at how boring us singles are?’
‘Well, you’ve clearly been spying on us because that’s exactly what we do,’ Ruth replies. ‘But we also have dinner every few weeks. Go to couples’ bars. Talk about couple problems.’
‘Like how the hell you’re going to split things when you eventually break up?’ June suggests.
‘Oi! Don’t talk about that. And no . . .’ Ruth replies. ‘Like how we wish people would stop asking us if we’re single yet or telling us not to worry because it won’t be forever. Saying our time will come, it’ll happen for us one day. Or the latest and greatest, which is – have you thought about signing up for Single Me Out!?’
‘I’ll tell my mum to stop texting you,’ Millie replies.
‘Yeah, can you?’ Ruth laughs.
‘Have you had any thoughts about what you’ll do now?’ June asks. ‘Recruiters must be queuing up to place the ex-chief creative officer of Slide.’
‘I think I’m going to take an indefinite career break,’ Ruth replies, and shrugs.
‘Yay! Welcome to the club, friend.’ Al lifts her empty glass. ‘Finally, someone to hang out with during the day. Taking a career break was the best decision I ever made.’
‘Hold on,’ June says, laughing, turning to Al. ‘What career are you on a break from? You’ve been working at Buddies since you left uni! And working is stretching it, to be honest . . .’
‘Rude,’ Al replies indignantly. ‘My journalism! It’s on hold.’
The three of them stare at her blankly.
‘My blog?’
‘Ah, yes, Lond-ON!’ Millie cries.
‘It must have been tough writing all those posts,’ June mutters. ‘How many did you do in the end?’
‘Five,’ Al states. ‘They were long!’
‘Well, I do hope you’ve finally recovered from all that hard labour,’ June asks, placing her hand on Al’s with fake concern.
The idea of a career break brings Millie out in a cold sweat. Millie’s work is her whole purpose, her identity, and the reason she bothers getting out of bed every day. Nothing fulfils Millie more than getting her work done, and getting it done well. Being unemployed as a fully capable adult and having to rely on another person for money makes her want to vomit. How can Ruth hack it?
‘What are you going to do every day?’ Millie asks.
‘I don’t know. I might get some hobbies.’
‘Like crochet?’ June suggests.
‘Topiary?’ Millie adds.
‘I tried slam poetry last year,’ says Al. ‘It was fucking awful. How about craft beer brewing?’
‘No,’ Ruth states.
‘We could just stare out of the window together, waiting for someone to walk past?’ Al suggests.
‘Like dogs? OK, fine. So, there’s a risk I’ll go stir-crazy after a while. But even trainspotting would be better than working on Oxytoxin,’ Ruth says, firmly.
Millie was hoping to avoid the elephant in the room. There’s no denying it’s an awkward situation. Ruth has left Slide because of Oxytoxin. Millie has stayed at Slide to lead the Oxytoxin campaign. On top of that, Millie could end up with Ruth’s job. Then again, Ruth promised they’d leave together, and she hasn’t mentioned that since she walked out.
‘Remind me why we don’t like Oxytoxin?’ Al asks, once the waiter has taken their order.
‘Because telling people to take Oxytoxin is telling them that being in a couple is wrong. Undesirable. Unhealthy. When it isn’t, it’s a normal choice, obviously,’ Millie responds, although she isn’t totally convinced of that herself.
‘St Bridget’s Day is bad enough,’ Ruth adds. ‘Making us feel like shit every 2nd February when we get nothing through the post that celebrates us, too. Rubbing our faces in it with cards, chocolates and cuddly toys,’ Ruth adds. ‘Oxytoxin takes it to another level. And they aren’t launching it because they care about people’s well-being. They don’t want to save people from heartbreak – they want everyone to be single, so they can get their numbers up on Slide.’
‘But regardless of their intentions,’ June says, ‘isn’t taking Oxytoxin a choice too? No one is being forced to take it.’
‘By creating the pill in the first place, they’re suggesting couples need to be cured. Do you two think I need to be cured? Do I look sick? Do I look unhappy? Actually, don’t answer that right now, not after that class.’
‘You and Sam might have a healthy and happy relationship, but there will be some people who are in a couple for the wrong reasons, who are struggling to end it and who need help,’ Millie says.
‘OK, but they aren’t just aiming Oxytoxin at couples. They’re aiming Oxytoxin at single people as well, telling them to take it as a preventative measure so they can ensure they never fall in love and risk ending up in a couple or having their hearts broken. And I worry they’ll feel pressured to take it. By their parents, their other single friends, society in general. Would you take it?’
‘I can’t imagine I’d ever need to,’ June replies. ‘But I’m sorry, Ruth, I do see the positives. If my parents had taken Oxytoxin, back in the day, perhaps they wouldn’t have had such a stormy relationship and messy exit. Maybe it would have saved me a few sleepless nights when I was little, listening to them screaming at each other.’
Millie puts her hand on June’s arm.
Ruth sighs. ‘OK, I see what you mean. Maybe in special cases, then. But you’d hope in s
ituations like that that therapy would work, and medical intervention would be a last resort.’
‘They tried therapy, but it didn’t help. I think the problem was that they always had very intense feelings towards each other. It started off with fireworks, then it went to the dark side. Dad was jealous of Mum’s career, and how much time she spent at the office. Mum was jealous of Dad’s friends, of how much time he spent with them. Neither of them was willing to accept any wrongdoing, or relent. Sad, really. Looking back, they just wanted to have more time for each other. But neither would compromise or sacrifice – the same reason I’d never be in a relationship. I love being single, and I would never give any of it up for someone else. But it’s just who I am, Ruth. I promise I respect you for being able to achieve that same kind of happiness with Sam.’
Ruth smiles at June. ‘Thanks. And look, I can see where you’re coming from, too. I’ve been single all my life until now, don’t forget.’
‘So go on,’ Al says. ‘Give us the elevator pitch. Why should we buy that you’re happier being in a couple than being single, despite all the known drawbacks?’
Ruth laughs. ‘OK . . .’ she says tentatively. ‘Well, it’s comforting to have someone to cuddle up to in bed. My slides were always in and out – pun intended. Sam makes me a cup of tea every morning. And she does this cute thing where she sends me a tea emoji if she isn’t there.’
June stares at her deadpan and slowly sticks a finger down her throat.
‘You asked!’ Ruth cries.
‘I’m kidding,’ June says. ‘So basically you’re saying that being in a couple is like owning a Teasmade? I like having my whole bed to myself. The Pear is cuddly at the right angle.’
‘June, please, stop,’ Millie says, covering her face.
‘But please continue to tell us poor singletons what we’re missing out on,’ June concludes.
‘OK, well, there’s the obvious, like having someone I fancy to look at all the time. Honestly, I’ve seen her smile a thousand times and I still get butterflies when she turns up at my door. It isn’t just that I fancy her, it’s like I’m drawn to her.’
‘Is that where “attractive” comes from?’ Al asks.
June shrugs.
‘I can’t describe it,’ Ruth continues. ‘Because I know I’d never felt it before now, so I suspect you guys won’t have either. I also like having someone to cook a meal for me, someone to cook a meal for. Someone to talk to on tap, and to have adventures with on a whim. But there are also the invisible benefits, which I never expected. I feel like I can be myself around her. I mean, I wasn’t myself at first, I was on my best behaviour. But now that we’re a year in, I’m OK with her seeing every side of me. She knows my good, bad and ugly, and she’s still here. I don’t have to hide anything.’
‘Do you bite your toenails in front of her?’ Al asks.
‘No!’
‘I’m also calling that out a bit, Ruthy. Because I can be myself at home, too . . .’ June interjects. ‘And it doesn’t take me a year to get there.’
‘Don’t we make you feel at home?’ Millie asks, more sympathetically, giving June a warning glance.
‘You do, but it’s just different with her. Not better, not worse. It’s more intimate. Plus, although I feel confident that you three love me, I’d never subject you to an hour of pillow talk at midnight about my fears, hopes and dreams.’
‘Well, that’s a relief,’ June replies.
‘Sam and I are teammates. We’ve got each other’s back. If I need help with something, I know she’ll be there to lift the load, and me likewise. She makes me feel safe. She looks after me, and I look after her.’
‘That’s funny,’ June replies. ‘You are literally describing the relationship I have with myself.’
‘Ha ha,’ Ruth says. ‘Look, I get it. You’re convinced that because I’m in a couple I must be unhappy. But I promise you, I’m not. The idea of not being with Sam makes my heart so sore, I can’t tell you. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I’ll be walking down the street and I have a daymare that she’s died in a freak accident. And the idea of her not being here makes me feel like sobbing on the spot.’
‘Wow, being in a couple sounds fantastic,’ June says with zero emotion. ‘I’m really missing out.’
‘From falling in love to falling apart, eh?’ Al adds. ‘If collapsing at the idea of being apart isn’t love, I don’t know what is.’
‘Aren’t you worried that you’re a bit too dependent on her for your happiness?’ Millie asks.
‘And now your finances,’ adds June, directly.
‘Maybe a bit, but I can’t help how I feel,’ Ruth says.
‘Oxytoxin could,’ Al points out.
‘I suppose that’s why I reacted so strongly to it. The very idea of me not having feelings for her, or her not having feelings for me made me fly into a panic. She’s my love partner, my best friend and my family rolled into one. She’s my jackpot lottery win.’
‘But . . .’ June says, cautiously.
‘But what?’ Ruth replies.
‘But . . . she’s also a curse, if just being with her is causing you to panic in the first place.’
‘Yeah, but the positives outweigh the panics,’ Ruth says.
‘Did you have a Sam-shaped hole in your life before you met her?’ Millie asks. ‘Did you think your life needed improving, and would be improved by being in a relationship?’
‘Not at all. These feelings just came out of nowhere. I didn’t plan it.’
Millie smiles. But underneath the smile is a huge sense of unease at Ruth’s vulnerability. If she’s rolling all her relationships into one and having panic attacks imagining life without her, how will she cope when they break up? Relationships don’t last. Everyone knows that. So, when it inevitably comes crashing down, Millie will just have to be there to help Ruth pick up the pieces. Maybe even with a packet of Oxytoxin.
‘Fancy a burger chaser?’ Millie asks, as she and June wave goodbye to Al and Ruth at the station.
‘I’d love to, but I’ve got a slide in an hour who I need to freshen up for,’ June replies. ‘I don’t think sweaty, smelly and sticky will do wonders for my rating.’
‘What are you at now?’ Millie asks.
‘I’ve gone up to 3.8! I’m quite pleased with that. My slide last week was extremely grateful. It was off-putting at first, but hey, at least it paid off in stars. What’s yours? When were you even on it last?’
‘No idea. The last time I signed in was a month ago. Think I was at three. It went down after I fell asleep on that guy’s chest.’
‘Before you slid?’ June asks.
‘Yep. Like, as soon as we got into bed.’
‘Well, that’ll do it.’
‘I was working late, and tired,’ Millie explains. ‘I didn’t even get time to explain myself. I found a note on my side table the next morning saying, ‘Don’t worry, I won’t charge you for my taxi ride over here.’
‘Three is pretty dismal, Mils. If you don’t do something about that soon, you’ll start to match with the dregs.’
‘Is it wrong that I don’t care, though?’ Millie says.
‘I take it someone’s been spending time with The Pear?’ June laughs.
‘No, I haven’t! I’m happy just as I am right now. I’m getting more satisfaction from my new puzzle book subscription.’
‘Millie, I love you,’ June says. ‘But you need a slide.’
Nine
One pinch of salt, two squirts of hot sauce and three twists of pepper. Millie worked out the perfect seasoning combination for the canteen’s poached egg and avocado sourdough toast a couple of years ago. She polishes her knife and fork with a paper napkin and stares at her breakfast with a deep sense of satisfaction, as she always does at her favourite table for one by the window every Friday morning at 10 a.m. Poised to cut her first corner, she pauses when she hears the familiar fast clack of heels approach her from behind. Her jaw clenches. Seconds later, he
r view of the river is blocked by a Sasha-shaped silhouette.
‘Ew, what’s that?’ Sasha says with a scrunched-up nose.
‘Good morning to you,’ Millie replies.
‘Hon, no. Trust me, you don’t want to eat canteen eggs,’ Sasha says, scraping the chair from the adjacent table and sitting down with a thud. She folds her arms and wraps her long legs around each other like snakes.
‘Well, I’ve eaten them for the last eight years, and I think I’m fine,’ Millie replies, cutting through to the bottom of the toast aggressively.
‘OK, well, you do you. Where have you been? We have so much to talk about!’ Sasha hisses, leaning forward.
‘At my desk?’ Millie replies.
‘I didn’t even see you there. You’re quieter than Margot the mouse these days. Are you OK?’
‘I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?’ Millie replies.
‘I thought you might be feeling lonely without work wifey. You know you can always talk to me, don’t you?’ Sasha says.
‘About?’ Millie asks.
‘Well, first of all, Oxytoxin! How stoked are you? I mean, Ruth leaving is a shocker and all, but talk about a silver lining, right? Chief creative officer. The dream! And we’ll get to be CCO on the biggest pill launch since, I don’t know, the pill? I hate that we’re going to be competing against each other, though. I wish we could be joint CCOs. You know, like the good cop, bad cop situation Adrian talked about. But I guess someone needs to be in charge, don’t they?’
Millie nods her head slowly and takes a long sip of water.
‘My best friend is in a couple,’ Sasha continues. ‘Well, ex-best friend. She turned into such a bore that I froze her out. She stopped answering her messages, her phone, started flaking on nights out, the usual.’
Millie wonders who really did the freezing.
‘And if she did ever bother, she’d bring along her parasitic twin of a boyfriend, who’d spend all night stroking her arm and asking if she was OK. It was so annoying. Is Ruth like that? They probably all are. I do miss her. Not Ruth, obviously. Tara, the ex-bestie. I’m half tempted to invite her out for a drink and put an Oxytoxin in her prosecco while she isn’t looking.’
