by Marie Hall
"It was not my letter," Io reminded him.
"No, I know. Please let me finish." Again he rubbed his forehead. "I did question it, as I said and while I did not speak to you of it, my concern was not as much what you might have written but more of what you were accused of writing. I thought if you showed me your letters first then I could attest to the content and if something truly inappropriate went out, I could be witness as to whether you authored it. But beyond this Io, I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why you and I could not maintain the momentum we had. Always we move forward, stumble but keep going. It seemed then we'd stumbled, fallen and become bogged down. I spent hours thinking what might be done next and always I thought we would be fine because when I thought of you and how you are, I knew you could get us though. No matter how dark things seemed, I could think of you and find a light to head towards." He paused and sighed, his shoulders slumping. "That was why when Lucas suggested it I tried to make plans to get away, with you, for a while. That we might start forward again."
"You speak of when we were going to run away?"
"Yes, and again I know you missed doing that because I did not hear what you were telling me. It might have been resolved better had you said you did not feel comfortable riding a different horse, but if I had listened and heard what you were trying to say when you said you didn't ride the red house…I know now, for now I wanted to tell you when I left that day without you, again, you never left my thoughts. As a matter of fact, I came back for you. I do not think it was even two full hours. I was riding behind them, behind Sabrina and mother and Lady Claire was next to me chattering insistently about some stupid bit of gossip from court and all I could think was I do not want to be with them. I could not stop from wanting to be with you. I turned the horse around and I came back for you. I intended to give you a fine lecture on protocol then toss you up on a horse and… run away as we planned. I came back for you, Io, because I could not think to be with anyone else."
"But I was locked in my room," Io added, knowing he didn't really need to prove any of what he said as Kate had told her as much after she'd woken up and calmed down. Ann too, confirmed the events as he recounted them.
"And I could not find you, and then… well, after, you were not inclined to speak to me on anything let alone protocols." He reached out then and brushed at a strand of hair that fell into her face. He brushed it back again and then tucked it behind her ear with a wry smile. "I know there are a number of other times I could recount but I think I should get to this." He held up the secret item. "It occurs to me the reason you asked me when I bought the fabrics was because you must have wondered if I bought them intending to give them to Sabrina, but because you were not dead I needed to keep on with some charade and gave them instead to you." Io nodded that was exactly what she'd thought. "Yes, of course that is what you thought. But I am telling you, Io, and you must hear me, you must listen. I did not want to be at that festival without you. I nearly turned my horse around a dozen times as we rode there. The only reason I can give you as to why I did not was… pride, I suppose, as ashamed as I am to say that. Pride and maybe hurt too. It did hurt you did not want to go with me. That you—"
"I did want to go I…" She stopped before she said she'd needed to go because it was from there she planned to run.
"I know the note did not come from you. I know, too, you planned to leave me while we were there. It is not new information you nearly let slip. I know a great deal might have happened on that trip to change your mind. But you did not come and I did not go back for you as I should have. I also did not partake in the festival. I spent every day of those three weeks in my tent, alone."
Io looked up now and saw several men who'd stood around listening nodding their heads. "You stayed in your tent?" Why did he do that? He could have enjoyed all the things he'd told her about. If he'd been unable to enjoy the spring gathering without her then… Why did her heart start pounding a little harder and her breath catch high in her chest? Had she been that wrong?
"All but two days I was there waiting to come home, come back to you. On one of those days I managed to catch Sarah and ask her to help me select the fabrics. She said you preferred the more natural colors and we'd quite the row about how a jewel color is or is not a natural color. But you saw the fabrics, you know who won that argument."
"Sarah." Io almost smiled at that. Xavier snorted in disgust but nodded. A few men behind him chuckled.
"The only other time I left the tent was to seek out a craftsman." He cleared his throat and began folding back the edges of the cloth. "I wanted to take you to that event because I wanted you to see things you had not ever seen before, that you might not get the chance to see again."
"A real lion?"
"Yes, a real lion, Io," he said as he folded back the last of the material and revealed a carved and polished chunk of wood, nearly as large as his hand by itself. "A real lion and maybe one of these." He held out the strange figure with its thin legs and long neck. It was like some distorted horse, with almost a sheep's face and a large hump on the back. It was the oddest thing she could recall seeing in her life. And then she knew what it was and it left her breathless.
"Is this a camel, Xavier?" Reaching out she carefully lifted it from its nest in his hand. "It is, it is a camel, it is too strange to be something else." Io traced the warm rich wood carefully taking in everything she could. The carving was done in detail, or at least she thought it to be not having seen a real camel. But the thing had little ears and even a very small tail. "The hooves are split," she noted.
"It helps them walk in loose sand." Xavier reached out and touched the hump. "They can go for days and days without drinking anything." He pulled his hand back. "I wanted you to know what one looked like. I went all that way without you but all I could think was how much a waste it was as you were not going to get to see a camel. I had that made so you might at least know what I said about their oddness even if you did not see a real one. I packed it and brought it with me when I came looking for you in case…" he hesitated and Io looked up and saw the hurt, worry and maybe fear in his expression. "In case you would not be returning home. I wanted to make sure you had this. That was the only thing that made the entire trip have any value."
"A camel, Xavier," Io said and quickly wiped at the tears streaming down her face. "A camel." He couldn't have been any more thoughtful. And he couldn't have made it for anyone but her. Only her. Even if he'd been hurt by what he thought she'd done, he found someone to make this wonderful, beautiful carving so she could see how ridiculous of a creature a camel was. He wouldn't have done that if he'd intended her to be dead and forgotten in some hole before he even returned. He wouldn't have done that if he intended anything to happen to her. Oh God, was she so wrong in everything? And what now? Was he here with her because he wanted to be, needed to be, as he so often claimed or was he here because there was a contract between them? And what of Sabrina? His mother wanted that woman as his wife and she was the better choice for a man of his status even if she'd someday become as his mother was. "A camel," she whispered and pressed the thing to her heart that drummed in her chest for something she hadn't felt in a long while. Joy. Hope, real hope. "A camel," she said one more time as she dropped her head and cradled the figure against her body like it was a precious child.
"I always think of you, Io, I cannot go half a heartbeat without thinking of you," he said and Io knew it was possible to believe him. To have hope he meant these things he said.
***
Now, accepting that what had occurred had not been a dream, she did have hope again but it was laced with doubt and fear. And it was doubt and fear that kept her awake and crying the whole of the night even as she continued to hold onto her little statue. Because as much as Xavier gave her then, she hadn't been able to confront him on the one matter which cut at her worse than the assassin's blade had. She couldn't bear to ask him what Sabrina did better than she that he'd want her in his
bed more than he wanted Io. Every time she closed her eyes, Io saw them engaged in that embrace, she saw him lowing his head and her lifting to meet his lips and she saw them ride out. Discreetly separate but in the same direction moments apart. She needed to know if she'd been replaced that way but she couldn't find the courage to ask because more than anything she feared the answer, feared it would come with full knowledge she was of no use to him in any manner.
Io rolled face down now to smoother the sobs, the sun was well up and she could hear the noise from the camp but she'd no desire to join them. Her stomach rumbled though and almost as if it called for him she heard Xavier outside the wagon.
"Is she not up yet?" He sounded almost happy this morning.
"No, my lord," she heard Gunther say flatly. "Truth I believe she just fell asleep, seems she cried all night."
"Cried?" Xavier no longer sounded happy. "Why did you not come get me, I—"
Io heard a scuffle and someone bumped up against the side of the wagon hard. "She did not want us to." She heard Samuel say. "We asked if she was well, if she needed something. We asked if she wanted us to fetch someone, fetch you, and she said no. She said no, she wanted to be left alone."
A moment later she closed her eyes to the invading brightness as someone pulled back the tarp and looked in at her. She remained quiet, pretending sleep until the flap fell back in place.
"Let her sleep then," Xavier said. "Let me know when she wakes up. Mark is ready for her and we need to figure out who at the house might be a danger to her."
"Yes, my lord," several voices spoke at once and then it was again quite outside.
Io sniffed and rolled to her back. She couldn't really hide in here all day. She needed to face him, to try and learn what he felt for her now. Overnight she'd time to wonder how he could even like her. All the things she'd accused him of, everything she'd done. Considering where they were because of her. Off the side of the road, in a field, with the cold and wet. She needed to get up, she needed to give them what they needed so they could continue to Bainsport. She needed to go back even if she found nothing and no place for her when she arrived. She needed to go back, because she'd never done that before. She'd never gone back to a place she'd left and this time she needed to do that.
Chapter Nine
Xavier looked right over his shoulder and gave the rag in his hands one last squeeze before standing and heading to where Io sat. He folded the cloth a few times then handed it to her. She took it and pressed it to her eyes without a word.
The crying left her looking ravaged with her nose red and her eyes swollen. Her hair was in a state that said she'd a very restless night and at almost midday, even with her stomach growling so he could hear it, she didn't do anything more than nibble on a small bit of plain bread. Right this minute the only thing about her that gave him hope was she clutched that little wood camel.
Dear heaven the look on her face and the sound in her voice when he gave it to her was the one thing he'd desired from the beginning. Her complete joy over that stupid, childish gift was a balm to the wounds inflicted by the misunderstandings and miscommunications they'd endured this past year. He'd a moment to revel in something she'd not given him in so long he didn't remember the last time, her pleasure.
Now though, given her state, he wondered if it was more fleeting than he thought. He wondered too, as Mark stepped up then knelt down before her, if now was the right time to try and get the details about what happened when she was attacked. They needed to know to finish making plans and determining what course of action would afford her total protection. He didn't want to have to send her to one of his other houses. He wasn't sure if he could explain that without rekindling her doubts. But they couldn't stay in place much longer. The temperatures dropped a great deal and last night a bit of snow fell. They needed to get back on the road before they couldn't traverse the passes.
Io's fragile state made him hesitate. Whatever she held back might come out and it might help her to know she was supported and defended, but what if reliving the events pushed her even deeper into this depressed state? Xavier watched as the men took up places as Mark instructed earlier. He'd wanted to make sure Io felt safe surrounded but not confined by everyone's presence. Gerald and Gunther sat to the right and left of her, Jon was to the right but slightly behind her. Ian was in the same position but to the left. Lucas stood directly behind her with his hands lightly on her shoulders. Mark and he were directly before her. Everyone else stood in a circle of sorts with breaks so one could pass through without being blocked.
"Io?" Mark called softly. She kept her chin tucked down and Xavier saw her finger tighten on the carving until her knuckles went white. "Do you think you can answer a few questions for us?" Her answer was a shrug of her shoulders and Xavier almost called the whole thing off.
"Maybe if you feel a bit more sorted out?" Lucas said, going down to his knees behind her and, taking up the long braid, he pulled the tie from the end and began untwisting what hair hadn't yet come free.
Xavier watched both a bit amused and jealous as his knight unbraided the fine strands then used his fingers to roughly shake the hair free. It was a horridly intimate thing for Lucas to do and Xavier almost stepped up and punched him when Io turned her head a bit to look at him through the dark gold veil. "What do you know about the sorting out of a girl?" she said and Xavier heard a bit of teasing in her tone.
"I have another sister other than you, Io. One who once use to pester me daily to brush and braid her hair," Lucas said before reaching in to his small pack and pulling out a brush.
Io gasped and pulled away. "That is no horse brush you intend to use on me, sir?"
Lucas laughed rather heartily. "I would never, my lady. Now turn around and speak with Mark while I try and remember how this goes."
Io seemed to hesitate but when she turned back to face Mark, Xavier could see she was a little more relaxed. He saw too, the brief nod between Lucas and Mark. And as Lucas began working the tangles from her hair, Mark started the interrogation.
"Io, tell me things in your own time. Tell me as much as you can. I may stop you and ask questions but I do not want you to think too hard on anything if you cannot remember. Ju—" Mark abruptly stopped. No doubt silenced by the fierce look on Io's face. "Beg pardon, my lady, if you do not know then simply say so and we will move on. It is better we know less than know falsely. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Io said as her head tipped back a bit in response to the brush being dragged through her hair.
"I want to start with the day before you were attacked."
"The day before everyone left for the festival?" she said and again her finger tightened on the camel.
"Yes, that day. What did you do that day?"
"Not very much. Everything was in order for us to leave. I…" She trailed off and looked down again.
"Io, we all know you planned to leave Xavier. There are no secrets worth keeping," Mark encouraged as Lucas reached around to lift her chin. He might have only done it because with her head down he couldn't fix her hair but it was affective in getting Io to focus again on what they were trying to accomplish.
"I wrote… my letters that day and…" Again she stopped and her eyes filled with tears. Maybe it was the memory of telling her goodbyes but Xavier couldn't convince himself that was all.
"You wrote the letters to us?" Mark pointed to the men closest to her and she nodded.
"Yes." She tilted her head to the right this time as the bristles started working at her left temple. "I put them away and then went to sit at the window to wait."
"Wait?" Mark asked
"I was going to give Otho to Mistress Mills. He could haul her water. The boy was to come get him at sundown." She sniffed and winced as maybe Lucas pulled a strand a little hard as he worked a new braid. "But he never came or if he did…" She shook her head and Xavier gave credit to his knight who must have spent some time with his sister in this fashion because he didn't lose even a
strand from the braid. "Poor Otho," Io said and sniffed again.
"So you sat at the window and waited. Did you happen to see anyone? Maybe in the yard or pass in the halls?" Mark went on and Xavier winced a bit himself for the rather callus bypassing of a moment of mourning for Io's lost goat. She caught his eye then and looked about to say something but then shook her head. "Then what, Io?"
"Xavier came and we spoke but it was not much. Only a reminder that we were to leave early." She again caught his eye and he didn't miss the charge against him. She dropped her head a bit and went on. "I went out after we spoke. I wanted to make sure someone was going to take the rabbits and little red chicken; I didn't want them eaten." Again she gave him an accusing look. "And I stopped a while to see Xavier's horse."
"The stallion?" Mark prompted. Why would she go see his horse?
"I wanted to say goodbye. I think he thought I did not like him. I was not taking him apples or carrots because I did not want them to send him to slaughter too. So I went to see him." She shrugged and Xavier pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to swear. Had she really gone to soothe his horse's feelings? Of course, because she'd turned the animal into a pet, a friend, and she'd not be inclined to hurt a friend's feelings. Her husband, on the other hand, she had no problem putting through hell.
"…and you saw no one strange in the yards at that time?" Mark was saying and Xavier realized he needed to end the self-pity and pay attention.
"No, I… no, there was someone. Someone by the tower. I only noticed because he wore a cloak with the hood pulled up and it was so warm even at sunset."
"Tell me what you remember of him, Io, was he tall? Short?"
"I could not tell. He was hunching and he kept his back turned to me." A slight edge entered her voice. She'd seen the man who attacked her. When she reached up to rub at her shoulder, Xavier forced himself to stay quiet. She only did that when she was scared and nervous and he noticed too, that while her right hand rubbed her shoulder, her left rubbed at the new scar on her thigh. Damn it all, he'd failed her so completely. But not again.
