by Amity Cross
The group was positioned on the mats, right over the spot where Ash and I first, you know, but of course, they didn’t know that.
One upon a time, while Ash was under house arrest, we’d had to get to know one another again. The trust was gone, and he’d become like a stranger to me. I never knew that he’d had a sister who he’d gone to jail for or about the estrangement with his parents and so many other things. He’d been trying to protect me from a lot of things, but I didn’t understand until it was too late. I wondered if something was coming back to haunt him. Maybe that was why he pushed me away?
Didn’t matter. I was here, and he wasn’t talking, the trust between us was broken. I wouldn’t be the one to fix it this time.
“You sure you’re okay?” Caleb asked as we got the studio back into order as the last person left for the night.
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
I really shouldn’t take out my frustrations with Ash on Caleb. He was a cocky upstart, but his concern was in the right place. That was fine with me as long as he kept his hands to himself and got that I wasn’t interested in him like that. He was here to run Beat, and by the looks of it, he was going to be around for a long time. Considering my dad owned the place and I was in and out on a regular basis, I had to at least get along with the guy.
Caleb shrugged, flipped the lock on the door, and turned off all but the back row of lights. “You going to stick around and train?”
I nodded. “For a while. I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow.” I was careful not to say where I was going. It wasn’t like me to dangle the carrot in front of a guy’s nose, especially when I was hung up on the love of my life being a secretive asshole.
“Did you have a fight with your boyfriend or something?” I narrowed my eyes, and he laughed. “Hole in one.”
“Shut up.”
“Seriously, Ren, who’d fight with you?”
“Idiots,” I retorted.
“You want to fight with me all the time,” Caleb shot back, cocking his head to the side. “But I just let that shit roll off my back and into the sunset.”
I stuck my hands on my hips. “What’s that meant to mean?”
He winked. “It means that I like you enough not to give a crap when you’re being a bitch.”
“Tell it like it is, why don’t you?” I snapped, picking up my wraps. Tearing open the Velcro, I let the material unwind and stuck my thumb through the loop at the end.
“Reality check, Ren,” he said, not at all put off by my tone. “You don’t have to push so hard against everything.”
Stepping forward he grabbed the wrap, curled his fingers around my wrist and began binding my hand for me. I jerked my arm back, but he held firm.
“Can’t a friend help a friend?” he said, not even bothering to hide his cocky bloody grin.
I rolled my eyes. “Not when that friend has taken a number.”
“I don’t do bullshit, Ren,” he said, spitting my own words back at me. “I like to have a laugh and not take shit so seriously. Have to in my position. There isn’t very far to fall from my perch, believe me.”
I frowned and allowed him to wrap my hand up tight. When he was done, he gestured for the other.
“Is it really that bad?” I asked, as I let him grasp my wrist.
He nodded but didn’t answer. The only indication he gave that it bothered him was the slight narrowing of his eyes.
“I see that look in your eyes,” he said after a moment, watching me closely. “The one that says this is your entire life.” He gestured around us at the gym, and I shrugged. “It’s the same for me. You get that with career fighters. They forget just about everything to the point where they get tunnel vision. Totally addicted like junkies.”
I knew a great deal of guys like that from my time at The Underground, and for a while there, I was one of them. I had nothing left in me when Ash disappeared—nothing but the urge to fight with my fists. Junkie was the perfect word to describe what I’d become.
“Not being able to fight was the worst thing that ever happened to me,” Caleb went on, securing the last piece of Velcro around my wrist. “I focused on it and nothing else for so long that it was all I had. When I was laid up in hospital, it was…”
He trailed off, leaving me hanging, but I was smart enough to fill in the blanks on my own. Depression, darkness and nothing. That’s what had greeted him when the chips fell. When he couldn’t return to the ring, or even to training, everyone he knew would’ve fallen away and faded to black, sponsorships would’ve dried up, hangers on would’ve vacated the premises… Caleb Carmichael had melted into the background, a blip on the show reel of boxing, nothing but a cursory tale of what can happen when shit goes wrong.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, glancing up at him.
His head was lowered, his gaze fixed on mine. “Not your fault.”
“But I sympathize,” I countered. “I don’t know what it’s like, but I get it at least a little.”
He took a deep breath, and we stood there for a moment, staring at one another in total silence. Then he moved forward and pressed his lips against mine.
There was no zing when he touched me—no snap, crackle or pop—and for a moment, I was taken by surprise. I didn’t see it coming at all, so my brain took a moment to catch up, but when it did, I sprang into action. I placed my palms against his chest and pushed, breaking us apart.
“No,” I said, stepping back.
“No?” He looked hurt, fragile and ragged, like I’d just stomped on his kitten.
“Things might be rocky with me and Ash right now,” I said, “but I can’t.”
“You still love him?”
“Shit, Caleb. It’s been a day.”
“So you did break up with him,” he exclaimed, stepping closer.
Edging away, I shook my head. “We fought, Caleb, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to go off with someone else right off the bat. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours yet. Shit.”
He sucked in a deep breath and backed away. “Fuck.”
“Well, you can just stop because he’s the love of my stupid fucking life,” I retorted. “I’m sorry, but even if we were through, I’d never be able to move on from that.” I pointed to myself. “This street is a dead end.”
He turned away, his pride obviously dented. “Can’t blame a man for trying.”
Frozen to the spot, I watched as he gathered up his bag from underneath the bench and strode across the mats. He was leaving, and I didn’t have it in me to explain myself any further. He’d get over it and find someone who would see him despite his injury, but it wouldn’t be me.
“I’ll see you later,” he threw over his shoulder, and then he was gone.
I stood there in the middle of the studio, the light shining over me, and I shook my head. What had the world come to? My entire life was a mess.
Brushing my fingers over my lips, I sighed. He wasn’t Ash. No one would ever be Ash.
Fifteen
Ash
I was destined to make the same mistakes over and over again.
It was a harsh reality considering I was currently watching my two young protégés, Ryan and Cole, spar in the cage I’d built at the back of Pulse. I’d wanted to do for them what Coach Miller had done for me, but it turned out I couldn’t even help myself. Despite that shit, something inside of me still couldn’t cut those two loose.
Ren was gone, and without this thing I was doing here, I would revert to the man I’d become to get through my stint in prison—a beast. If that was the case, then I should just shut up shop and go back to The Underground. At least I’d be able to fight there without the questions. People stepped into that cage expecting to get hurt.
I could let off some steam without causing unwanted trouble. Shit, I could get away with murder…
There was a loud thump, and I blinked hard, my thoughts coming back to the present with a snap. Ryan was standing over Cole, who he’d just thrown over his shoulder.
Cole was flat on his back looking pissed as hell, and before I could step up, he pushed off the ground and went for his mate. I knew that look, the one that said he was pissed that he’d been bested. That look had gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years.
Cole collided with Ryan, his skin turning red with a mixture of anger and exertion, and the pair grappled.
“Knock it off,” I exclaimed, shoving my arm between them.
Cole cursed loudly and broke away. The kid was too hotheaded.
“Fair and square, dude,” Ryan declared, backing away.
Cole jabbed a finger, his frustration getting the best of him. “I had you.”
“A dick move like that would have you in the shit,” I snapped. “He bested you. Learn from it.”
“You weren’t even watchin’,” Cole exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “Where the fuck are you, Coach?”
“Shut your trap,” I snarled. “Take five and cool the fuck off.”
He rolled his eyes and stalked off, disappearing across the gym. Ryan hung around, swinging his arms back and forth.
“Ren was askin’ after you yesterday,” he said.
I grunted, my annoyance levels beginning to rise.
“Is everything okay, man?”
Turning my gaze onto the young fighter, I shook my head. “None of your business.”
His eyebrows rose, but he didn’t press any further. “Suit yourself, but it’s messing with this.” He gestured at the cage, and I narrowed my eyes as his words hit home.
Day one without Ren and I was letting the one thing that defined me fall apart. Anger issues or not, I was still here and still had a business to run…and these guys still believed in me even though Ryan seemed to be wiser than I was right now.
I didn’t know if she was coming back, and I sure as hell didn’t know if I wanted to go after her and explain myself. It was the difference between hurting her a little now and hurting her a whole lot later on. Maybe this was for the best.
“You’re right,” I said, and Ryan’s eyebrows rose even higher. “The mark of a good fighter is knowing his strengths and weaknesses. A big part of that is being able to acknowledge them.” I cast my gaze out over the gym and saw Cole blowing off steam by talking to a pretty girl by the weight machines. “I’m pissed off,” I went on, “and I shouldn’t bring that in here.”
Ryan slapped me on the shoulder and grinned. “That’s why you’re the coach.”
I grimaced.
“So,” he began with a wicked grin. “When do you think I’ll be ready to give a qualifier a shot?”
I rolled my eyes, my thoughts still firmly on the gaping wound Ren’s absence had left in my heart and soul.
“Talk to me about it next week.”
His eyes widened. “Next week?”
“Yeah,” I shot back, gesturing for Cole to get his ass back in the cage.
I’d never get over Ren Miller, but the world didn’t wait for heartbroken fools to get back on their feet.
**
I felt focused for about five minutes, but when everyone went home and I was alone in the apartment, everything came back with shocking clarity.
I was alone, and it was all my fault. Shoving my head into the sand and focusing on the goings on at the gym wasn’t enough to fill the gaping hole. It would never be enough.
Through the windows, I could see the Melbourne skyline all lit up with yellow and orange lights, the tiny glowing windows on the multitude of skyscrapers home to thousands of people I’d never meet. People who didn’t give two stuffs about a heartbroken asshole alone in a posh apartment in Abbotsford.
I didn’t have anyone else to call, so I picked up the phone and pressed my sister’s name.
“Ash?” She sounded sleepy like I’d woken her.
“Hey,” I replied. “Did I wake you?”
“It’s okay,” she said. “I was just drifting off, but if something’s the matter…”
Rubbing my eyes with my free hand, I said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”
“Ash,” she scolded. “I’m totally awake now, so spit it out.”
I sighed heavily, the darkness in the apartment echoing how I felt on the inside. “Something’s happened.”
“What do you mean? Are you okay? Is Ren okay?”
“She left me.”
Violet gasped audibly, and it didn’t help my psyche one iota.
“What do you mean?” she asked, the disbelief plain in her voice.
“It means exactly what it sounds like,” I retorted.
“What happened?” She sounded distraught, echoing what was happening below the surface of my passive exterior.
“I went to see Mum and Dad.”
“You what?” she shrieked, making me hold the phone away from my ear. “Why would you even consider it?”
“I guess I wanted to know if…” I trailed off, not even knowing why I’d gone there in the first place. Everything was so fucked up, I couldn’t tell up from down.
“What?” Vee asked.
I sighed heavily, really beginning to feel both her and Ren’s absence.
“Ash.”
“I guess I wanted to know if I was still like him,” I spat.
“Like him?” she scoffed. “Not a chance.”
“I am, Vee.” I stood and began to pace the length of the lounge room. “I am like him. A monster.”
“A monster? Shit, Ash, you get angry sometimes, but you’re not a monster.”
“I get so fucking angry I lose all control, Vee. I can still feel it inside me—” I cut off abruptly as I came face to face with the empty spot where I’d hung the photo of Ren and me. The hole was still there from when I’d ripped the hook out of the wall. A broken, jagged hole.
“Ash?”
“What if I hurt her?” I whispered. “Of all the things I’ve done… Hammer, The Underground… What if I hurt her by accident, Vee?”
“Is that why she left?”
“No, I never touched her like that. Never.”
“Then you kept all of this from her. Is that it?”
I grunted. That’s exactly what it was. Keeping secrets like this from Ren was pretty much the same thing as cheating. Her dad had cheated when she was a baby and left her for a new family, and she’d been lied to about that by her mum her entire life. Her whole childhood was based on secrets. Of course she felt like I’d ripped her heart out.
“Ash, you know—”
“Vee.”
“She brought you back, remember? You told me all about that day at Beat, and she was the only one who took that chance.”
She was right. That day was one of many that were burned into my brain. I’d gotten a threatening phone call from Hammer trying to put me off my game so he could edge me out of the Championship at The Underground. After he and I both got kicked from the AUFC, I’d gone to prison and he’d gone straight to cage fighting. He’d been king until I was invited along for the ride, and I inadvertently took what was his yet again. He’d threatened Violet that day, and he’d had his sights set on Ren even though she and I weren’t together at that point. I vaguely remembered smashing glass and her hands on my face. That was all. Being apart was just as dangerous as being together, so I gave in and fell in fucking love.
Everything was different now because this time, I was the one who was dangerous. I was a ticking time bomb without a countdown. That shit could go off at any time.
“It doesn’t matter,” I spat. “She’s gone.”
“Then you need to go and get her the fuck back!” she exclaimed. “Do I have to come and get her again?”
I remembered when I’d been under house arrest, I’d sunk into depression so badly, it had forced my then reclusive sister to go out into the world and find Ren. I’d been so stuck in my own darkness that I’d forced an agoraphobe to go do what I couldn’t. How was that being the right man for Ren? It wasn’t.
“You need to tell her everything, Ash,” Violet said. “You
need to let her in all the way. She wants to be strong with you and for you, just like you do for her. You need to let her.”
“She’s already split, so why make it more painful than it already is?”
“You need to tell her the truth.”
“I broke it,” I snapped. “I broke it in the worst possible way.”
“Love conquers all.”
“Fuck, Violet,” I exclaimed. “This is not one of your romance novels.”
“Asshole,” she spat. “You and Ren are soul mates, Ash.”
Soul mates. It seemed like a dream and a million years since I stood in that jewelry shop and bought her that ring. Pausing by the side table, I slid open the drawer, the phone still pressed up against my ear.
“Ash? Are you still there?”
“Yeah.” The little black box was still there, sitting fuckin’ pretty against the coffee colored finish of the side table.
“You need to listen to me,” she said calmly. “If I hadn’t believed in this thing between Lincoln and me, then I’d still be wasting away in that house. At some point you’ve just gotta give it all up and believe, Ash. Believe in Ren because she’s the real deal. You and her. You need to trust her with your fear.”
I was going to ask Ren to marry me, but if I couldn’t do this, then what was the point? Marriage was all about for better or for worse, and if we couldn’t hack the worse part… We’d been through some pretty heavy stuff and for this to break us apart? What a downer.
“I have to go,” I said and hung up the call.
Violet was right as per usual. There was only one thing I could do and that was put everything on the table and let Ren decide.
Without another thought, I pocketed the ring, locked up the gym, got in the car, and drove to Beat.
All or nothing.
**
It was past ten p.m. by the time I parked down the street from Beat.
Lingering on the footpath, I could see the dim glow from a light someplace inside the studio. She was there. She had to be.
It harkened back to a time before Ren and I got together. She’d train in the dead of night, and I’d come and join in as an excuse to get closer to her. After spending the night dishing out pain at The Underground, she was the thing that kept me on my feet…even if she didn’t realize it.
