Dear Delilah (Hudson U)

by T. Bester

  “I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet, but should get to it tonight.”

  Toby nods, a little absentminded, but before he can walk away and disappear into his office, Nathan calls after him. “I’m taking Savannah out for the afternoon.”

  What?

  I expect Toby to object but he mumbles a distracted “okay” and then shuts his door.

  “Grab your stuff,” says Nathan. “We’re going out.”

  “Where are we going?”

  Do I care? I probably should, considering I don’t know Nathan at all and he could very well be a flesh-eating axe murderer, but I’m too giddy about the prospect of doing something other than fetching coffee and kicking printers.

  I hesitate when I catch Nathan taking in my attire for a second time in the space of thirty minutes. My simple black pants are ill-fitting because I bought them yesterday, and my white blouse is still stiff due to lack of use. The only thing I don’t feel self-conscious about under Nathan’s perusal is my hair. I braided the freshly colored silver-gray strands and let it hang over my shoulder.

  “You’re going to have to change,” he tells me. “But we can sort that out in the car. We have to go.”

  He strides towards the bank of elevators, his gait sure and strong, as if he possesses the very ground he walks on. I scurry after him, despite the million and one alarms sounding in my head. When we make it to the bottom floor, I catch a few of the interested glances thrown our way. I release everyone is looking at Nathan though, and not at me. And then I realize that people are drawn to him, the way he smiles at every single person who says hello, knowing every person by name. I slow down when we get caught in the surge of students coming into the cafeteria and I contemplate making a run for it, but before I can make a definitive decision, Nathan makes his way towards me, stopping to hug a few girls too. Their lashes flutter, they giggle and make a show of touching Nathan’s chest and arms. I try not to roll my eyes. It’s not his fault he’s so…I try to think of an appropriate word and all I can think of is ‘big’.

  When he finally makes it through the crowd of ‘adoring fans’, he motions for me to step outside. It’s summer, and the warmth immediately makes my skin balmy.

  “So you must be pretty popular, huh?”

  Nathan smiles as we walk and I suspect many a woman has dropped her panties with that thing directed at them. It’s potent. “I have friends.”

  I snort. “Those were fans, not friends.”

  Nathan stops in his tracks and raises a hand to his heart. “Do you mean to tell me you have no idea who I am?”

  Not a damn clue. But saying so would be impertinent, and I don’t want to offend him. His popularity seems like it matters to him, so who am I to judge. I stop the next person who strides past, the poor guy looking caught off guard.

  “Sorry, but do you know who he is?” I point to Nathan. “He doesn’t seem to know who he is.”

  The guy perks up when he notices Nathan at my side. “Nathan Penn.”

  I raise my brows, and then grin at Nathan while the guy darts away.

  “You’re Nathan Penn.”

  Nathan’s smile is wide and he beams at me. “You know, Savvy, I like you.”

  That day, I learned what Nathan’s laugh sounds like, a sound that became synonymous with tummy dips and butterflies. I also learned that popularity meant nothing to Nathan, but that his life seemed to revolve around making people who knew him, smile.

  He doesn’t make me smile anymore and being around him only reminds me of what we lost.

  4

  NATHAN

  BY THE TIME I finish up in the shower, Savannah is asleep. I’m careful not to wake her as I change into a pair of sweats from her Dad, and slip my t-shirt over my head. The bed looks inviting, especially with Savannah tucked beneath the comforter, curled into a ball on her side, her hair braided and resting over her shoulder, but I have too much restless energy and if I were to toss and turn then I’d disturb her. She’s been upset since we have arrived, and I’d be a complete asshole if I didn’t know it was my fault. My instincts told me to drop her off and leave her be (for now, at least) but I’m a stubborn man when I know what it is I want. I should have stopped thinking about what I wanted though, and considered what it must be doing to Savannah to have me here. She doesn’t trust me, I can see it in the way she avoided coming too close, and damn if it didn’t chip away at my soul a little bit each time. I want nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and kiss her back to life, kiss away the mistake I made all those weeks ago and make her see that without her, I’m just not me anymore. But I’m all too aware that it’s not going to be that easy, and I have to ask myself just how much I’m willing to put her through if it means I can have a second chance.

  I sneak out of her bedroom, and head downstairs to the kitchen. Because Mr. And Mrs. Leigh are busy renovating their inn, there are no other guests, and they decided to call it a night shortly after I did. But it is quiet now, dark and cold. The snow falls outside, a listless flutter that matches the wave of uncertainty rolling in my stomach. I’m a confident guy, I’m sure of everything I do, the decisions I make and it’s something I’ve prided myself on from an early stage. My Dad taught me that a man must always know what he wants, believe that he deserves it, and work hard to get it.

  It’s the first time I’m questioning myself, and I can’t say that I like it.

  Or that I don’t deserve it.

  I round the corner to the kitchen and hesitate when I realize the light is on. Mrs. Leigh is leaning against the counter, a grey robe wrapped around her delicate figure as she pours some hot water into a mug. She catches me before I can make a getaway. Not that I dislike her. It’s quite the opposite, actually. She reminds me a lot of my own Mom, and when she smiles, I see Savannah.

  “Nathan.” She faces me and gives me a tired smile. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  “No, no,” I rush to say. “I…uh…couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d come…” I don’t know what I was going to do, but it seemed better than torturing myself by getting into bed with Savannah when I couldn’t touch her.

  “Can I make you some hot chocolate?”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Leigh, but I don’t want to impose.”

  “Autumn, call me Autumn. And you’re not imposing, you know that. Sit.” Savannah’s Mom motions for me to take a seat at the kitchen island while she busies herself with my hot chocolate. She pushes the steaming mug in front of me, and then takes up the seat right beside me.

  “Can’t sleep either?” I ask.

  “Heath snores like a banshee.” She snickers. “Besides, I’ve had insomnia since I was a teenager. Sometimes being alone helps me quiet down.”

  Being alone only makes the noise in my head louder, but I can’t say that.

  “I haven’t slept well in weeks,” I tell her instead. I choke back the urge to add that I haven’t been sleeping well since I made a mess of things with Sav.

  “It looks like you need to talk about something.”

  My smile is sad as I stare into my mug. I can’t help it. “Is it that obvious?”

  She shrugs. “No, but I know that look. And I’m not blind, Nathan. I saw how Savannah behaved when you got here. You hurt her?”

  I look up, and instead of finding condemnation in the depths of Autumn’s eyes, I find compassion and worry. Maybe it is time I was honest with someone other than Zoey because I’m being eaten up alive by what I did and maybe getting someone else’s perspective will help me find mine.

  “Yes, Ma’am, I did. I screwed everything up.”

  She observes me for a moment, and it’s a gaze I know well. She passed that down to her daughter, the only girl to ever rip me apart with a single look.

  “You apologize?”

  Again, her question isn’t laced with anger, or malice.

  “I’ve tried, but she won’t talk to me. It’s the first time in almost a month that we’ve even been in the same room, let alone had a conversation.” I pull a
hand through my hair, and huff out a frustrated breath. “I don’t know how to fix it.”

  Autumn purses her lips, and then finishes her tea before responding. “She gets that defiance from her father.” Her lips tilt into a soft smile, the kind that’s filled with reverence, love and endless patience. “Sometimes it scares me how alike they are.”

  “I saw that the first time Savannah brought me here,” I chuckle, thinking back to when Savannah argued with her Dad about possibly turning her old room into something else. She’d lost her shit, and needless to say, so had he. They were two peas in a pod.

  “You know what I saw?” asks Autumn. “That you care about Sav, and I suspected that you two were in limbo, not quite friends, but not quite aware of what you felt either.”

  I fiddle with the handle of my mug. “I realized it then, but I had no idea how to tell Sav. I was afraid I would lose her.” The meaningful expression on Autumns’ face has me adding, “And then I lost her anyway.”

  “Can I give you some advice?”

  “Of course.”

  “Give her time.” My heart kind of sinks because that’s exactly what I’ve been on edge about. I know Sav will cut and run if I push too hard, but the idea of giving her space and then having her not come back by choice is unbearable.

  I expelled a heavy breath and hunch forward as I rest my forearms on the counter. I jerk when Autumn rests her hand over my fist, giving a gentle squeeze as her eyes meet mine. “She doesn’t see it yet, but she will. You just have to give her time, to work it out for herself and decide what she wants.”

  I clear my throat. “And if it’s not me?”

  “I can’t answer that, but I can tell you that if it’s meant to be, it will be. You can’t force it.”

  “And if I can’t let her go? If I can’t give her space?”

  “Well, you can let her go now and have her come back to you in her own time, or you can keep pushing her and risk having her never come back to you at all. What’s more important?”

  When I don’t answer, Autumn stands, and pats me on the arm. “Take it from someone who’s been there, Nathan. People like Heath and Savannah are terrified of what they don’t understand, and that includes love. And for people like you and me, sometimes fighting for them means stepping back, and letting them figure it out for themselves.” Her smile turns sad, but wistful. “But it’s worth it. I promise you.”

  Autumn leaves me with that little nugget, and if I thought getting things off my chest — even with Savannah’s Mom — would help me sleep, I was fucking delusional. There’s no way in hell I’m going to sleep now.

  I look out of the kitchen windows overlooking the front driveway, and the sprawling property at the front of the inn. Despite my best intentions, my mind still drifts to thoughts of Sav. Memories, really. One in particular makes the jagged reality of what I have to do a little more painful.

  “Where are you dragging me?” I ask, following Savannah around the corner of her parents’ inn. The sun is just about to set, but the air is still balmy, the sea breeze coming off the ocean. Savannah laughs, smiling at me from over her shoulder.

  “It’s a secret.”

  “Is this the part where you have your wicked way with me and then eat my head?”

  Savannah scoffs, and simply rolls her eyes at me. “I’m not a spider, Nathan. If I was going to kill you, I would have done it already.”

  “Is that so?”

  I race up behind her, and throw her over my shoulder. She can’t weigh more than a bag of potato chips, so hauling her body in the air is a little too easy. Her legs wiggle, and she hits my back with small fists. “Put me down you big imp.”

  I chuckle and continue walking as if I know exactly where I’m going. The beach is quiet, with most of the guests inside having their dinner. I, however, prefer being here with Savannah, no matter what we’re doing. All I need is to be in her space, in her orbit, and I’m happy.

  “Put me down, Nate. You don’t know where we’re going.”

  “And if don’t wanna put you down?”

  She grunts. “Fine, but then you have to flip me over so I can give you directions.”

  Now I’m the one who snorts. “Savvy, you are terrible at directions.”

  “Am not! And don’t call me that, you know how I feel about it.”

  She hates it.

  Whereas I love it, since no one else calls her by the nickname I gave her.

  I stop on the lawn, and before she can object, I flip Savannah over and cradle her to my chest. She brushes her silver-grey hair from her face, breathless but smiling wide, man, I fucking live for that smile, especially when she’s looking at me that way. Something inside my chest shifts, sharp enough to make my breath falter. Savannah doesn’t catch it though, she’s too busy trying to make a run for it and jumps out of my arms.

  “Oh no missy,” I hold her tighter. “I’m driving. Tell me where we’re going.”

  She lets out an impatient breath, and then folds her arms across her chest. She juts her chin out in that cute but rebellious way, the glint in her eyes a challenge.

  There’s my girl.

  Fuck…

  What-

  “I thought you said I suck at directions.”

  “I didn’t say you suck, I said you’re terrible. There’s a difference.”

  She opens her mouth, and then snaps her lips together. Her nose scrunches, her brows drawn low. “I hate that you’re right.”

  “I’m always right.” I laugh when she makes a grab for my nipple. I’m ticklish as fuck, and whenever Savannah and I argue, she goes for my weak spots.

  “Hey! You can’t do that when I can’t defend myself!”

  I nearly drop her, and when I trip over my own feet trying to hang on and let go of her all at once, we fall to the grass in a fit of laughter.

  “Nathan!” she cries between fits of giggles. “You dropped me!”

  I look down at us, and realize that I took the brunt of the fall, and Savannah landed on my chest.

  “Never,” I tell her. Our eyes meet for a brief moment, and there’s a flicker of something between us that’s never really been there before. Or maybe it has, but I’ve chosen to ignore it because Savannah is my friend. My best friend. Who knew that when I walked in on her assaulting the printer, she’d become an essential part of my day. Of my life.

  Her mouth tilts into that sweet, shy smile. “Will you let me up now? So I can show you what I wanted to?”

  How is a guy supposed to say no to that?

  I drop my arms, and jump up, bringing her with me. I stretch my arm out, and give an over exaggerated bow. “Lead the way, m’lady.”

  “You’re such a dork,” she snickers, turning towards the yard. “But c’mon. It’s almost time.”

  “Time for what?” I yell after her.

  “Just c’mon, Nate. Stop asking so many questions, and trust me, okay?”

  She waits for me, even though my strides are far too wide for her to ever out-walk or out-run me.

  “This had better be worth it, Savvy.” I shield her hands when she tries to tickle me again, the little sneak. “I was in the middle of a very intense game of bridge.”

  “You were just charming those poor old ladies. It’s a wonder why no one keeled over after seeing that smile of yours.”

  Her cheeks redden as if what she’s said to me is embarrassing. Before I can ask her about it though, she bounds ahead and then stops in front of a treehouse.

  “Here.” She beams with pride, and I have to fight to hide my need to laugh. It’s practically falling apart, weathered and dated by the weather, but she looks so damn happy. So I keep my mouth closed.

  “My Dad and I built it when I was a kid.”

  She starts climbing the ladder and when she’s tucked inside the wobbly box, I step onto the ladder behind her.

  “Uh, Sav…” the wood protests beneath the weight of my big frame. “I don’t think this thing can hold me, let alone both of us.”

&nb
sp; “It will,” she presses. I climb another step, and then another. “Just move slowly.”

  Uh. Has she seen me move? I’ve never done anything slowly in my life.

  But the excitement on Savannah’s face…

  “If I die, tell my Mom I love her, okay?”

  “Quit stalling,” she laughs. “Get up here.”

  A grunt escapes from my mouth when I squeeze my broad shoulders through the small doorway of the treehouse. Savannah sits back, and gets herself comfortable. When I look around, I notice that she’s planned this — the floor is covered in a few blankets, and pillows line the wall. With measure movements, I seat myself beside her. Well, considering my size, Savannah is squashed against my side.

  “We need to lie down for this.”

  I stretch out, and when Savannah realizes my feet are hanging out the treehouse, she tucks her face into my chest to muffle her laughter. She hasn’t stopped smiling since we left, and damn if it doesn’t make my chest swell.

  “You’re no good for my ego,” I mumble, only pretending to be annoyed.

  But Savannah’s attention is already elsewhere. I follow her gaze, through the small opening in the roof that’s covered by glass. We stay quiet, staring up at the sky that’s now littered with millions of stars.

  “It’s…” My words trail off, because…wow.

  “I know.” Savannah nestles closer to my side, and I wrap my arm around her, not missing how easily she fits there. I kiss the top of her head, breathe in her sweet, familiar scent and feel…home.

  “This was my favorite place in the whole world after we spent an entire summer building it. My parents couldn’t get me to leave.”

  “I can see why. It’s exquisite.”

  And it truly is.

  “Whenever I felt sad, or had a bad day, I would come out here and just…stare. It reminded me that we’re so insignificant in the grand scheme of it all, in the magnitude of life, but still significant enough to be a part of it, you know?”

  No, I don’t know, because I’m not looking at the sky.

  I’m looking at her.

  And whatever she sees in that starry sky, I’m seeing in her.