With a generous smile, Jane replied, “Do not be concerned, Lizzy. I know that you have only the best of intentions.” Overcome with love for her sister, Elizabeth gave Jane a warm hug.
Suddenly anxious, Elizabeth asked, “But, Jane, can we trust Mr. Darcy? Why did he not simply tell Mr. Bingley and bring him to Hertfordshire?”
“I am very confident of Mr. Darcy’s intentions. He explained to me that he had assumed you would tell me about his letter, and because he thought I already knew what had happened, he wanted to speak to me before he approached Mr. Bingley.”
“I suppose that his assumption was reasonable,” Elizabeth reluctantly conceded.
“Lizzy, I think the entire affair was an honest mistake on Mr. Darcy’s part. He was simply trying to protect his friend. I cannot fault him for that. Do not think ill of me for saying so, but I think our mother may have contributed to his misjudgment of my regard for Mr. Bingley.”
With a wry smile Elizabeth said, “Well, I am sure that is more than possible. But, in any regard, I still cannot forgive him. I do not think you understand all that he has done.”
“No, Lizzy, I do. He also told me that Caroline and Louisa never told Mr. Bingley that I called upon them in London and that he thereafter helped them conceal the fact. He truly regrets his behavior.”
“And well he should,” Elizabeth angrily exclaimed. “There is no excuse for his deception. It was the height of arrogance to presume that he knew what was best for his friend.”
“But, Lizzy, once he realized his mistake, he attempted to correct it. Is that not worthy of our forgiveness?”
“Well, I suppose Mary could find a sermon to tell us it is, but I would still not be convinced.”
“But, Lizzy, sometimes people do things that they would not normally do in order to protect the people they care about. When you returned from Kent, you did not tell me about your news of Mr. Bingley because you thought it would only bring me further pain. Mr. Darcy acted in a similar fashion because he still believed I did not have sincere affection for Mr. Bingley.”
“But, Jane, I would have told you the moment I thought you needed to know.”
“I know you would have, Lizzy. But that is exactly what Mr. Darcy did. As soon as you let him know that he was in the wrong, he came here to confess it to me, and he will tell Mr. Bingley as soon as I grant him leave.”
Jane took Lizzy’s hand in hers. She wanted to make sure Lizzy understood that her next comment was an explanation and not a rebuke. “Lizzy, if you both used a little deception in the past, it was because you both had a desire to protect someone you cared for. You both have very definite opinions, and that sometimes means you take matters into your own hands. If it is a failing, it is one I can surely overlook. Do you think you can find it in your own heart to do the same?”
“Jane, you are too good. I must confess I never considered it in that manner before. I think I am quite blind to my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, rather than making me feel more generous toward Mr. Darcy, it has made me more critical of myself. We both acted badly. I am so sorry I substituted my own judgment for yours. It was arrogant of me! Can you forgive me?”
“Lizzy, of course I can. I am not blaming you in the first place. I am just trying to make you understand why I have forgiven Mr. Darcy.”
“Well, Jane, I will truly think about what you have said. But the important thing is that Mr. Bingley will soon know the truth, and I am sure that once he does, he will return on his fastest horse.” Seeing Jane frown, Elizabeth entreated Jane to tell her what was bothering her.
“Lizzy, Mr. Darcy thinks… that there is still a chance… I mean, Mr. Darcy wants my permission for Mr. Bingley to further his acquaintance with me. He wants to be able to tell Mr. Bingley as much when he sees him. I told Mr. Darcy I was not sure it was a good idea. I asked for time to think about it. At the end of our visit, I indicated I would decide by the Meryton Assembly. I am just not sure what to do.”
“Jane, there is nothing to think about. Of course you will welcome his visit. I know that you still care for him. If Mr. Bingley’s sisters and Mr. Darcy had not interfered, you would be well on your way to happiness. Nothing has changed in that regard.”
“But, Lizzy, I cannot help but think that Mr. Bingley’s regard for me could not have been as strong as I had hoped if he was so easily turned away. Perhaps it was for the best that it happened.”
“Jane, he was lied to! You cannot judge his reaction by that. You have to give him an opportunity to prove himself. For once, I am in complete agreement with Mr. Darcy. You must let him speak to Mr. Bingley, and when he does, you should let him convey to Mr. Bingley that it is not too late.”
“I don’t know, Lizzy. Even if I thought that he still cared for me, I have other concerns. It is clear that his sisters object to the match. How can I come between Mr. Bingley and his family?”
“Jane, that is not your concern. As much as I know it pains you, you cannot please everyone. You will either disappoint Mr. Bingley or his sisters. You owe his sisters nothing. Do you really want to have Mr. Bingley hurt further by their actions? If he wants you, and you return his affections, that should be all that matters.”
“Lizzy, I cannot help feeling that it would not bode well for an impending union to have one of the families involved object to the match. I think the strife would eventually damage Mr. Bingley’s regard for me. I am not as independent as you, Lizzy. I am not sure I can overcome the resentment, and I do not want to disappoint Mr. Bingley in the long run.”
Elizabeth gave her sister a warm hug and said, “Oh, Jane, you are so dear.” Releasing her, Elizabeth added, “I wish I could make everything perfect for you because truly you deserve it. But, as it is not, I suppose we shall make do as best we can. You will have to decide, but I do not think you should throw away love simply because there are objections.”
“That is exactly what Mr. Darcy said!”
Raising a skeptical eyebrow, Elizabeth asked in an incredulous tone, “Is it?”
“Oh, yes. He told me that a leap of faith was required and that I should not look at the gift of love by seeing only its obstacles… Lizzy, he said that he had learned from experience that if you do, it does not turn out well.”
Jane waited for a response from Elizabeth but did not get one. After another pause, Jane said, “Lizzy, I think he truly regrets what happened between you.”
Forcing a lighthearted manner, Elizabeth said, “Well, I am not so sure about that. After seeing our mother this afternoon, I am sure he is rejoicing in his near escape.” Seeing Jane’s frown, Elizabeth added in a serious tone, “Jane, while he may agree with me about you and Mr. Bingley, I am sure he will never recover from the injury I have inflicted to his pride. You yourself told me that he wanted to make it clear he had no further intentions toward me. I am sure laying eyes on me this afternoon was an odious task. Do remember that he still thinks very ill of our family. Hopefully, we will keep our interactions to a minimum. Maybe our mother will let me forego attendance at the assembly; that way I will spare him further discomfort.”
“Lizzy, I do not think that is necessary.”
“Perhaps not, but it might be in everyone’s best interest. In any regard, I know for sure that Mother would never let you miss it. I am afraid she has the wrong idea about you and Mr. Darcy. She will be inconsolable if he leaves for London before he proposes to you.”
“I know, Lizzy. What am I to do? I tried to tell her this evening that there is nothing between us, but she will not listen.”
“Hopefully Mr. Bingley will return and set everything straight.”
This time, it was Jane who did not answer. Seeing that her sister needed time to think, Elizabeth bade her good night and returned to her room. They both had fitful sleeps trying to digest the surprising events of the day.
Chapter 6
THE SUMMER ASSEMBLY AT MERYTON
As he dressed for the assembly, Darcy tried to calm his nerves and stop squirming. H
e was sure his valet had already noticed his odd behavior. He had asked the man twice what he had chosen for him to wear for the evening. While not an unreasonable question in itself, it was an inquiry that Darcy hardly ever made. When he asked for the second time, having failed to listen for an answer to his first request, his man could not hide his astonishment.
To make matters worse, Darcy knew this was not the first time in the last two days that he had appeared inattentive or out of character. He had returned from Longbourn in a swirl of emotions, choosing to retire to his room after a perfunctory meal. He had failed to anticipate how much seeing Elizabeth would affect him. On reflection, he had to admit that the visit had passed in an acceptable manner. He had secured a private interview with Miss Bennet and arranged a means of speaking to her again. Her genuine kindness toward him was both unexpected and a balm to his battered soul. Despite the awkwardness of his visit with Elizabeth’s family, he had escaped without causing anyone serious embarrassment. He may have unreasonably raised Mrs. Bennet’s expectations regarding his interest in Miss Bennet, but that was unavoidable. Given that his goal in coming to Hertfordshire was to secure Bingley’s happiness, he should have been satisfied with the progress he had made. Instead, he could only remember Elizabeth’s icy stare followed by her refusal to look him in the eye.
He tried to remind himself that he had not come to Hertfordshire to persuade Elizabeth to rethink her opinion of him. But when he saw her, he knew in his heart he had nurtured the unrealistic hope that upon reading his letter she had miraculously changed her mind. It was clear from her reaction that his fantasy was as foolish as his initial proposal. He spent the night in a restless sleep, attempting to come to terms with the fact that he had to put her out of his mind, once and for all.
He awoke the next day determined to exorcise her ghost. He took a long, reckless ride through the countryside, trying to exhaust his mind by fatiguing his body. He returned in the afternoon having come to the realization that all he had accomplished was to make himself and his poor horse sore and uncomfortable.
That night he decided to try a different tack. He began drinking liberally before dinner and continued until well after midnight. He retired to his chambers, barely able to walk. He waved off his valet and fell asleep in his clothes. He awoke in the morning with a splitting headache and the faint memory of torrid dreams he had had about Elizabeth. Hot coffee and a long bath eventually repaired his ailments, and he realized that despite his efforts, he had gained no ground in his battle to purge Elizabeth from his mind.
He was brought back to the present by his valet, who had finished his task and asked, “Sir, are you satisfied, or is there something particular you require?”
“Oh, no. Well, yes. I was just concerned that I... that I… No. That will be all. Thank you for your help.”
Hiding his amusement, his valet bowed curtly and bid his master good evening. Having already reviewed his own behavior and finding it lacking, Darcy turned his thoughts to his impending social obligation. He laughed as he thought that the evening ahead could not have planned to make him more uncomfortable had the devil himself orchestrated it. He would be attending a local assembly—by himself—where dancing would be required and small talk mandatory. He was only truly acquainted with one family, and his interaction with each of its members was fraught with potential danger.
It was clear that Elizabeth would want nothing to do with him, and he could not imagine what he would say to her that could improve the situation. Miss Bennet would surely have told her the reason for his visit, which might have softened her heart toward him. But the idea that she would improve her manners toward him out of gratitude—or out of fear that her sister’s happiness depended upon it—held no allure. Such an encounter would be awkward at best and, in the end, a hollow victory. He would prefer her honest animosity. Avoidance was his best option.
Discussion with Miss Bennet would be necessary and most likely more than pleasant. He had to smile when he thought of her generous and forgiving nature. Bingley would be very lucky to win her. But he knew he could not spend the whole of the evening talking to her. Her mother and the local gossips would misconstrue the attention he had already shown her. He would need to ask her to dance so that he could ask her about Bingley, but any further interaction would put them both in an uncomfortable situation.
Who did that leave? The very idea of talking to Mrs. Bennet again only rekindled his headache. He could imagine her on his arm prattling away while she introduced him to her neighbors. She would most likely require him to make his introduction by listing his assets in descending order of value.
He could ask Elizabeth’s sisters to dance, but in the past he had found their behavior so inappropriate that he could not imagine how he would endure the experience. He also wondered what Elizabeth would make of such a request. Would she think he was mocking her, since he had berated them in his letter, or would she imagine he was trying to curry her favor, and wonder to what end? No, there would be no point in trying to further an acquaintance in that direction.
He instinctively felt that any interaction with Mr. Bennet would be foolhardy. If Mr. Bennet knew about his previous dealings with Elizabeth, he had every right to be furious with him on several levels. If Mr. Bennet had no information as to his past interactions with Elizabeth, then he probably believed, through his wife’s intelligence, that Darcy was hoping to court Miss Bennet. Knowing that his real aim was to leave Hertfordshire for good as soon as possible, any interaction with Mr. Bennet would be an insult in hindsight. Any prior explanation was impossible. The less said, the better.
Looking at his watch, Darcy realized that it was far too early to leave. He knew any occupation would be futile given his level of apprehension. So he poured himself a brandy and continued to imagine the derogation that the evening would bring. Yes, the less said, the better. He would arrive, seek out Miss Bennet, hopefully obtain her agreement as to his discussion with Bingley, and retire early with the excuse that he needed to travel in the morning. It would be the only way to minimize his discomfort.
As he reconfirmed the wisdom of his plan, he was struck with a vision of Elizabeth at Hunsford telling him it was his selfish disdain for the feelings of others that formed the groundwork of her disapprobation. But surely her criticism could not extend to his present predicament. It was natural for him to not want to mix with the inhabitants of the neighborhood. No one in his situation would be comfortable. But then again, he had to admit, this situation was of his own creation. If anyone should be uncomfortable, it was him. Given his inability to converse easily with strangers, wasn’t he being considerate by not forcing his company upon others? His memory of Elizabeth again answered his query, this time by asking, “Why would a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, be ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers?” The words of his cousin provided the answer: “It is because he will not give himself the trouble.”
Could that be true? Was he awkward at large social gatherings because, as Elizabeth once told him, he would not practice? He knew there was some truth to it. There was no question that he was naturally reserved, but he had overcome his innate shyness at certain times in his life. When he first went to Cambridge, he had been shy and uncomfortable among so many strangers. He had often relied on Wickham, who made acquaintances effortlessly, to ease his way into social circles. But Wickham had soon showed his true colors, and Darcy tried to avoid all contact with him. As a result, he had been alone more often than not. He had already been homesick, and despite his efforts to put all his energies into his studies, he had found that he needed some human contact. He had resolutely forced himself to attend social gatherings and make new acquaintances. Eventually, he had found a circle of friends he valued. Toward the end of his time at Cambridge, he had met Bingley and they became fast friends.
When he returned to Pemberley and his father’s health began to fail, he hardly had time to socialize at all. When he did venture out, usuall
y to fulfill an obligation, he came to the painful realization that much of the attention directed his way stemmed from his imminent position as the master of Pemberley and not from any sort of genuine regard. As a result, he developed an instinctual suspicion of new acquaintances. After his father’s death, he maintained only his friendship with Bingley. He knew he truly valued Bingley’s companionship, but on some level he also relied on him, as he had done with Wickham before, to ease his way in social gatherings. To that extent, Elizabeth was right; he was no longer practiced at the art of making friends because he counted on Bingley to do it for him. Unfortunately, Bingley would not be at the assembly tonight. Truth be told, after he advised Bingley of his meddling, he would probably never agree to share another evening with him again. He suddenly felt as alone as he had at Cambridge. Checking his watch, Darcy summoned his carriage.
At Longbourn, preparations for the assembly were progressing in a much more chaotic fashion. Elizabeth’s requests to stay home were denied. Her mother explained that once Jane secured Mr. Darcy, he would be in a position to introduce Elizabeth to other rich men. Since she was not getting any younger and she had already rejected what might be her only suitor in the person of Mr. Collins, she needed to take every opportunity to exhibit herself. Elizabeth endured her mother’s lectures with fortitude. She took consolation in the fact that the evening might be worth it if, by its close, the situation between Jane and Mr. Bingley had been resolved. That outcome, however, remained uncertain. Despite Elizabeth’s offers to talk, Jane kept her own counsel. Elizabeth believed that Jane was inclined to make the decision by herself since others had previously decided so much of what had happened between herself and Mr. Bingley. This time, she would at least rely on her own judgment.
Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman Page 5
