Darcy stood trapped at the piano. His head reeled at the impossibility of the situation. He had hoped for time alone with her, but he now understood that he was intruding upon her time alone with Lucas. He would have walked away, if he could, but he knew it would be utterly rude at this point. Instead, he braced himself to listen to Elizabeth sing to Lucas. He wondered how he would manage to keep standing, watching her sing, while disappointment and jealousy fought for the greater share of his heart.
Elizabeth, for her part, was seized with embarrassment. She suddenly realized that John Lucas’s familiar behavior would imply that there was some sort of understanding between them. She wondered where this had come from. John Lucas had always showed an interest in her, but she never took it for more than a passing fancy. There was a time when she thought him well matched to her, but she soon realized that, while their temperaments seemed well suited, their basic characters were not. She had long understood that his devotion to her was easily interrupted by brief infatuations with other girls. While she always found him interesting, intelligent, and witty, she could not think of him seriously because she did not believe him capable of serious feelings. She knew she required something more constant. Safe in the knowledge that he could not really touch her heart, their friendship developed naturally, as they fell into an easy camaraderie. He would often accompany her at social gatherings when no one else was available, and she thought it a pleasant and wise arrangement. But his behavior now, in front of Mr. Darcy, no less, seemed to go much further. It was the fact that it was in front of Mr. Darcy that made it so unacceptable.
As she began to play, she resolved to simply sing and ignore the implications. But when she looked up and saw Mr. Darcy’s stiff expression, she knew it was impossible. She quickly returned her eyes to the keyboard. Whatever she felt for him, it was too cruel to have him stand there and watch her sing at John Lucas’s request when he had so eloquently asked her to sing as well. Even if Mr. Darcy had nothing but regret for his proposal to her, this was clearly a slap in the face. He would think that she had jumped from his interest in her at Kent to an alliance with John Lucas within a matter of days and then had not even bothered to indicate it to him when she had the opportunity. Or worse, he would believe that she had always had an understanding with Lucas and chose to refuse his proposal, not on those grounds, but because she felt the need to point out his character flaws. Either situation would give him an impression she did not want to leave him with.
As the song came to a close, everyone applauded. Mr. Darcy gave a slight bow and said in a formal tone, “That was quite lovely. Thank you.”
As he started to walk away, Elizabeth impulsively asked, “Mr. Darcy, I think I remember from Kent that you prefer German composers. Do you have a favorite? I would be more than happy to play it.”
As he stepped back to the piano, Darcy studied her for a moment before a small smile began to grace his lips. He then said, “Actually, if you are indeed taking requests, while I do enjoy the German composers, after I heard you perform Mozart, I became enamored of the Austrians. Do you think you could play one of his pieces?”
Keeping her head slightly bowed to mask her smile, she replied, “Yes, I have something right here.” She then looked up at Darcy and returned his intense stare. Without turning her head, she casually asked Mr. Lucas if he was willing to continue to turn the pages for her. Lucas nodded in assent but sensed the deeper ramifications. Throughout the song, Darcy stared at Elizabeth, and she often returned his gaze with a smile. Lucas had realized before dinner that while he had a tendency to look at most things from a military perspective, his skill had clearly failed him while assessing Darcy’s character. He had somehow missed the obvious, and in doing so, he had violated the first rule of combat: Know your opponent.
At the close of the song, Darcy smiled broadly and said, “Miss Bennet, that was… beautiful. Thank you very much.” She nodded her acceptance as Mary approached to announce that she intended to play next.
Darcy walked to the refreshment table to get a glass of wine to calm his nerves. As he drank it, he leaned against the wall trying to sort out the mix of his emotions. As he did, he could hear Mrs. Bennet mention Elizabeth’s name. It was not long before he realized what was being said. “Oh yes, she does play well, but I wonder if it is all a waste. With her high standards, I doubt she will ever find a husband. When I think that she has already rejected a perfectly acceptable proposal, I can barely calm my nerves. Even if she did not like his manner or find his person attractive, accepting him would have saved Longbourn. She obviously thinks she owes nothing to me or to her family.”
Sympathizing with her plight, Mrs. Philips consoled her. “Yes, Fanny, I quite agree. I have told you, time and time again, it will do her no good in the end. I am curious, though, as to how he received her when she saw him again. It must have been uncomfortable for both of them.”
Unable to listen any further, Darcy sought out Bingley in order to request their immediate removal. Seeing him deep in conversation with Miss Bennet, he thought better of the idea. No matter how urgently he wanted to leave, he would not impede Bingley’s progress with Miss Bennet. Instead, he strode from the room.
As Elizabeth passed the front door on the way to the parlor, she saw Mr. Darcy put on his great coat as he turned to leave. Surprised by his actions, she quickly inquired, “Mr. Darcy, you are not leaving, are you?”
In an icy voice, he replied, “Yes, madam, I am afraid I must.”
As she smiled and curtseyed in a somewhat shy manner, she said, “Oh, good evening, then.” Darcy breezed by her with barely an acknowledgment and began to walk down the steps. Elizabeth called after him. “But, Mr. Darcy, Mr. Bingley’s carriage is not yet ready.”
He came to a stop, turned, and said, “Mr. Bingley is not ready to go. When he is, he will take his carriage home.” Darcy then began walking again.
Confused by his odd behavior, she impulsively followed him out the door and down the stairs. “Are you planning to walk then? Sir, I must caution you, it is too dark. The path is not clearly marked and would be very difficult to follow at night. Shouldn’t you wait until Mr. Bingley leaves? Or I can call my father’s carriage for you, if need be?”
Stopping in his tracks once again, Darcy spoke without turning, “Madam, I wish to leave now. I do not mean to be rude, but I cannot stay here a moment longer. Please excuse me.”
Elizabeth moved toward him and asked in a concerned tone, “Mr. Darcy, what has happened?”
Turning to look at her, he said in a terse manner, “I really think there is no point in discussing this. Good evening.”
Elizabeth followed him a few more steps and asked, “Sir, did I say something to offend you? If I did, I certainly did not intend to. Will you not tell me what this is about?”
“Madam, as I have said, I see no point in discussing this.”
Feeling her temper rise, she asked, “Did a member of my family or one of our guests say something to upset you?”
“Madam, I must insist. Good evening.”
Exasperated, she replied, “Very well then, sir. I certainly cannot explain what I do not understand.” As Darcy nodded and began to walk on, she added in a low voice, “I suppose, though, it was simply a matter of time before you found fault with your surroundings. As we know, your standards are quite exacting.”
With his eyes flashing, he turned and answered in a voice barely under control, “Madam, that is hardly fair. Pardon me if I do not apologize for my behavior, but I think I am the injured party in this matter.”
“I can hardly see how that is possible. But if you will not explain what has happened, I certainly cannot judge.”
Staring at her with clenched fists, he sputtered, “Madam, in coming here, I thought… I did not know that everyone knew… I never would have…” Stopping to gain control, he took a deep breath and said in an even tone, “I simply cannot stay here any longer. I will not subject myself to ridicule. I know you believe that I
am more intolerant than most, but I truly believe no man would be comfortable in such an untenable position. I suppose I had no reason to believe otherwise. You were under no obligation to keep my dealings with you private, but I simply assumed that your sense of honor would require as much, or that you would at least have warned me. Your sister led me to believe that events between us had remained private. The mistake is mine, and I will clearly take responsibility for my behavior, but pardon me, madam, if I refuse to prolong your neighbors’ entertainment at my expense.”
Seething with equal parts anger and frustration, she replied in a forced calm, “Sir, I do not have the pleasure of understanding you.”
“Madam, can you deny that your indiscretion has placed me in a most uncomfortable position?”
Raising her voice, she replied, “My indiscretion? Sir, if anyone has the right to be uncomfortable, I do.”
Raising his voice to match hers, he retorted, “Yes, but the decision to let everyone know the details of what would have been better left private was yours alone.”
In utter exasperation, Elizabeth looked away in an attempt to calm herself. She then asked, “Mr. Darcy, I am at a loss. What are you referring to?”
“Madam, I can hardly believe that your confusion in this matter is genuine. But I will be explicit, if you insist. Inside, I heard your mother commenting about the proposal you rejected that would have secured the financial stability of your family. As I said, I am responsible for my own actions in that regard, and if you saw fit to share the details of what I assumed was a private matter, then that was the risk I took. But I will not remain here and allow the whole of the neighborhood to speculate about such a personal matter.”
Elizabeth blinked at him several times in disbelief and then said, “Sir, if you will calm down, I can explain.”
Crossing his arms in defiance, he spat, “Truly? I find that hard to believe.”
“Sir, I can understand your confusion, but your tone and manner are making it very difficult for me to proceed. You seem quite willing to think the worst.”
“That, madam, may be a trait we share.” With that remark, they stared at each other in defiance and anger for several minutes, each unwilling to look away.
At length, Elizabeth began to calm down as she recognized the absurdity of the situation. She then said, in an even tone, “Sir, the proposal my mother was referring to occurred last November.”
“Last November? I… I do not understand.”
“Yes, that much is evident. Despite your earlier statements, I am not in the habit of sharing personal information with someone so unconnected with the underlying events, but since you overheard my mother, I will make an exception. My mother was referring to the proposal that I turned down from my cousin, Mr. Collins.”
Mr. Darcy looked at her uncomprehendingly, then colored and impulsively exclaimed, “Mr. Collins! I can scarcely believe… But how… He asked you… Surely he could not have believed you would accept him?”
“Mr. Darcy, I have no idea what he thought. I suppose he felt that the improvement to my family’s situation made the match appealing. Otherwise, I really cannot say. You must remember, sir, that a woman has no control over who proposes to her.”
With a conciliatory tone and a contrite smile, Darcy replied, “Yes, madam, I believe I have learned that lesson.”
Startled by his statement, Elizabeth looked up at him and found him staring at her intently. Embarrassed by the magnitude of the error he had just committed, he could find no words for several minutes. He then said with great emotion, “Miss Bennet, please accept my most profound apology. I let my anger rule me, and the results were unpardonable. I regret everything I said, and the manner in which I said it. I beg your forgiveness.”
Pausing to search his face, Elizabeth replied with sincerity, “Mr. Darcy, I thank you for your apology, and I accept it. Under the circumstances, the misunderstanding was quite reasonable. The lion’s share of the blame must go to my mother. She should never have discussed such a private matter in public. I am afraid my mother so regrets the loss of the opportunity that she cannot accept the result.”
Looking at her with apprehension, Darcy could not help but ask, “If I may be so bold, then, I take it that it is the only proposal she is aware of?”
Elizabeth colored, looked away, and stared into the darkness of the path. As she continued to avoid his gaze, she replied, “You are quite correct, sir. If she knew otherwise, I do not believe either of us would be able to escape her attention on the subject.” She then added in a barely audible voice, “I have told only Jane.”
“I thank you for your prudence in that regard, and I apologize again for what I implied. It was unfair of me, in many ways. I had no right.”
Turning to look at him, she replied, “Let me also apologize for my intemperate words. Perhaps it would be best if we put this misunderstanding behind us.”
As Darcy contemplated her words, he resolved to do more than that. “Miss Bennet, I realize that this conversation may make you uncomfortable, but I think I would be remiss if I did not take this opportunity to clear the air. I want to apologize for my rash actions this evening, and I also want to apologize for my behavior in Kent.”
Interrupting him, Elizabeth said, “Please, sir, we have already discussed this. You need say no more. Let us put that episode behind us also.”
“I would very much like to do exactly that, but I do not think it will be possible until I let you know how much I regret my offensive conduct toward you.”
Staring at the ground, she replied, “Truly, sir, there is no need. I also said many harsh things that I regret.”
“No, it is not the same. I owe you the apology…” Pausing to gain his courage, he then began to speak in an urgent manner, “Madam, since I have come into your company again, I have attempted to show you that I harbor no ill will toward you for the things that you said to me in Kent. They were justified. By hearing your reproofs, I have been able to see myself more clearly. As circumstances have recently required us to be in society together, I had hoped that we could simply ignore our past dealings and attempt to forge a friendship. I wanted to do so both for Miss Bennet and Mr. Bingley’s sake, and for my own. After tonight, and not just because of my foolish misunderstanding, I have come to realize that I have set an impossible goal. We cannot ignore what has passed between us; it seems to haunt me at every turn. I know it is presumptuous of me to believe that we can be friends, but if you are willing, I would like to try. I now know, however, that we cannot become friends by ignoring the past. Instead, we would need to become friends in spite of the past. I am not sure if you would wish to have me as a friend, but I would very much appreciate it, if you could see your way to considering me as such. Miss Bennet, I know my manner of address had been improper, and I hope you can forgive me for speaking plainly. I do not expect you to answer now; I just ask that you consider it.”
Elizabeth continued to stare at Darcy as she tried to understand all that he had said to her. While she was surprised by his request, she was no less moved by it. As she puzzled over all that he had meant by his words, she suddenly realized that she had failed to respond to him for several moments. His furrowed brow and the anxious set of his jaw showed his concern for her reply. She finally offered, “Mr. Darcy, I am sorry. I must admit that the eloquence of your offer has somewhat taken me by surprise. I do not need to think about your request any further. I would very much like to call you a friend. If you feel you can forgive my misjudgment of you, then I am more than willing.”
Darcy expressed his thanks with a genuine smile. After taking the indulgent pleasure of studying her face for a moment, he forced himself to speak. “Miss Bennet, I suppose you should return to the house. I have kept you in the night air far too long. I think you are wrong, though, about the path. The moon seems to be quite bright tonight, and I believe the walk will do me good. Please give my apologies to your family.”
As he bowed and she curtseyed her adie
u, he impulsively added, “Miss Bennet, at the risk of losing the generous pardon that you have bestowed upon me, I must beg leave to ask one more question.”
Arching her brow, she replied, “I am at your disposal, sir.”
As he exposed his dimples to her again, he said, “I must admit that I am quite surprised to find I have something in common with Mr. Collins. I never would have thought we would be members of the same club, so to speak. It naturally leads me to wonder if there are other members.”
“Excuse me.”
“I was just wondering how many other proposals you have refused?”
Staring at him with her head cocked to one side, she replied, “Sir, while you are free to ask any question you wish, I am, of course, free to refuse to answer.”
“Yes, Miss Bennet, you are quite right. It is none of my business how many proposals you have rejected. I suppose, now that I have given it some thought, I would only really be interested if you were to accept one.”
As she stood pondering his words, he said, “Good evening, Miss Bennet,” and began his journey to Netherfield.
Chapter 12
BILLIARDS AND OTHER GAMES
As morning bloomed brightly at Netherfield, two of its occupants sat in the breakfast room anticipating the day with very little joy. Bingley’s usually cheerful disposition was darkened with anxiety. His sisters had returned the day before, while he was calling at Longbourn. When he returned home, he found that they had retired to their rooms, with word that they would receive him the following morning. Bingley had been concerned about his sisters’ reaction to his letter, especially Caroline’s, ever since he had sent it four days before. Putting off their inevitable first encounter, even if by only one more night, seemed designed to ensure that he lost more sleep.
Darcy, on the other hand, had slept quite well. After his encounter with Elizabeth at Longbourn three nights before, the tenor of his dreams had changed. Elizabeth had been the primary focus of his nightly visions since he had met her in the fall. It was then that he began to memorize her every detail. To his surprise, after Hunsford, the frequency and intensity of his dreams increased. Their vividness, however, was not always welcome. While her presence always evoked an erotic response, they seldom ended well. Often he would spend the entire dream pursuing her through a forest or through shrouded mist, only to finally catch her hand as she transformed into Caroline Bingley or his cousin Anne. Or he would dream that Elizabeth had accepted his proposal and they were in their bedchamber. She would be dressed in a translucent gown, with her hair flowing freely down her back. She would accept his invitation to join him in his bed. He would watch her as she lay down surrounded by dim candlelight, but when he attempted to join her, he would find his path inexplicably blocked or she would disappear once he neared the bed. Sometimes, he would reach the bed and find that she had already begun to accept the advances of another version of himself. He would watch as his alter ego would slowly slide the strap of her gown off her shoulder. His initial interest in seeing her in so intimate a pose would slowly turn to panic, as he realized something was amiss. He would suddenly understand that it was impossible for there to be two versions of himself, one in the bed and one watching. The man in the bed would then reveal himself to be Wickham or sometimes his cousin Fitzwilliam, and he would attempt to warn her, but his voice would fail him.
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