I quit visiting Sydney and Aunt Sarah for dinners, and they started to call and worry. I was falling into the black and I didn’t care if I never made it out. I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was as if I went away when he did, and no matter how many times I tried to find myself, I couldn’t.
I learned a few things during my drug-induced chaos. Like the fact that I missed a lot. There were things going on around me that I had no idea about, which included school work. Apparently, I had a full conversation with Hope that I never remembered having.
The most important thing I learned was that pain pills didn’t make the hurt of losing someone you loved any better. Sure, Lortab could take away the pain of a broken finger or a broken nose, but it couldn’t take away the pain of a broken heart.
It also didn’t take away panic attacks, which is what I was trying to do when I accidently overdosed. Xanax wasn’t doing the trick anymore, and no matter how many I took, I couldn’t make the shaking and sudden fear of death go away. I was desperate, and when I opened up my medicine cabinet and found the leftover pain pills for my nose, I thought I’d give them a shot.
Thirty minutes later, I was sleepy. Forty-five minutes later, I couldn’t see straight and I was so dizzy I couldn’t make it to my phone to call someone. I couldn’t remember falling asleep, but I could remember there being so much darkness, and then there was nothing.
That’s another thing I learned. Mixing Lortab and Xanax isn’t a great idea. It took everything away, that was for sure, but I almost lost my life in the process. I’d been so careless with myself, but when I woke up and saw the tears streaming down Syd’s face, I knew I had to start caring and I had to start quick.
I signed the papers that Aunt Sarah handed me and allowed her to have me admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I let go of everything and focused on getting better. Not pretend better, not half better—I wanted to be better all the way. No more almost.
Zeke stayed at a nearby hotel and visited me every day for the first week I was there. It wasn’t until I found out that he and the boys were in the middle of recording their second record that I pushed for him to return to California.
“I’m not leaving you, babe. You’re more important than all that.”
We were snuggled up on the couch in the main room surround by other crazies like me. He was color in the boring, beige room, happiness in a depressing place. It was nice to see him every day during visiting hours, but I had to be fair. I couldn’t take up his entire life, and the guys needed him back home.
“Zeke, I’ll be fine. I’m not going anywhere. I appreciate you being here for me, but the guys need you, too. Go back to California, get the record done, and then come back. Once I’m out of here and all better, we’ll figure out how to balance everything better. I promise.”
It took another week for me to persuade him to go back to work. I loved him for being so supportive, but I understood how much he loved his music, and I was tired of taking things away from him.
I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, but he made sure to call me every day and check on me once he was all settled back in California. In his absence, Aunt Sarah and Sydney would come and visit as much as possible.
“It’s good to have you back. I missed you,” Sydney said as she hugged me when our visit was over.
I smiled down at her and hugged her tighter. “It’s good to be back.”
I was even starting to sleep better. I still occasionally had a nightmare about my dad, but they were nothing like they used to be. I’d even started having dreams about my mother and the happy times we used to have. I loved having those. It was as if she were there with me.
After six weeks, and so much therapy I wasn’t sure if I could ever return to my psychology classes, I was released. I was set to see Dr. Jenson once a week and put on two prescriptions for my anxiety and depression.
Sydney was at school the morning I was released, so Aunt Sarah picked me up. After putting all my bags in her trunk, she hugged me tightly and we both cried a little.
“We moved everything out of your apartment and your room is all set up back at my house. Once we get you settled and when you feel like you’re ready, we can get all your online classes together.”
I decided that going back to school wasn’t an option for me, and I’d asked Aunt Sarah to look into online courses. I was definitely going to get my bachelor’s in psychology. I wanted to be able to one day help young girls like me. I understood what it meant to be broken by abuse. I knew what it did to you mentally. I wanted to be able to be there the way Dr. Jenson and the rest of the professionals were for me.
As soon as I walked in the front door, I went for my phone to text Zeke.
Me: I’m home. I miss you so much.
Zeke: I miss you more. As soon as things are wrapped up here, I’m coming to you.
Me: I can’t wait. I love you so much.
Zeke: I love you more.
Me: Most
Zeke: Mostest
Me: That’s not a real word, so that doesn’t count. I win.
Zeke: I have you, so I win.
* * *
The following weekend, Aunt Sarah, Sydney, and I drove to South Carolina to visit Mom’s grave. We put purple roses around her marble gravestone and made silly jokes that we knew would’ve made her laugh if she were with us. I knew deep down that Mom was laughing with us.
The large oak trees made a canopy over Mom’s grave and the Spanish moss that flowed from the branches swayed in the light breeze. There were stones with names on them as far as the eye could see and statues depicting serenity and peace. The surroundings made me feel relaxed and I could almost find peace in my mother’s death.
When it was time for lunch, I stayed behind after Aunt Sarah and Syd and had a talk with my mom. I told her about everything I’d been through since she went to heaven. I didn’t leave out a single detail. I could almost hear her telling me that everything would be okay.
She had a way of making things better. Even when she was on her deathbed and could barely take a deep breath, she’d hold my hand and say exactly what I needed to hear. It didn’t matter that she was dying and in pain; she always made time for me. She was always there and I missed that.
Later that night, in a hotel in Savannah, Georgia, I sat on the phone by the pool and talked to Zeke.
“I got you something while we were broke up,” Zeke said into the phone.
“What is it?”
“You’ll have to wait and see.” He teased. “So, I’m coming to Florida next weekend.”
It was the best news I’d heard in weeks.
“Really? Did you guys finish recording?”
“We finished this morning. I can’t wait to see your face.” I could hear his smile through the phone.
“I can’t wait to see yours.”
“I love you, pretty girl.”
“I love you more.”
The next day when we got home from our visit to South Carolina, there was a package waiting for me. I opened it to find a gorgeous necklace with a snowflake charm. Aunt Sarah put it on me, and I took pictures of myself wearing it to send to Zeke. I called him as soon as I hit send.
“You look so beautiful,” he answered.
“I’m glad you think so.”
“I don’t think so. I know so. Do you like it?”
“I love it. It’s perfect.” I smiled.
“You’re perfect.”
The rest of the week dragged by since I knew I’d be seeing Zeke the following weekend. When Friday came, I could barely contain my excitement. I held my phone close to me all day, waiting for the call to get him from the airport, but the call never came.
Finally, late in the afternoon, he called me. He was already settled in a one of the more expensive hotels in the area.
“Why didn’t you call me to pick you up at the airport?” I asked.
“There was car waiting for me when I got there. Why aren’t you here already?” He chuckled.
; I packed an overnight bag, kissed Syd and Aunt Sarah on the cheek, then headed over to the hotel.
The lady at the front desk took in my ripped jeans and Converse and gave me a look that said I wasn’t worthy. I didn’t care. I smiled back at her as she told me the room number and then I walked away.
He was on the sixth floor. The elevator seemed to be conspiring against me since it stopped at every floor on the way up. When the bell dinged on floor six, I took a deep breath and stepped off. Following the room numbers, I finally found the door I wanted. Knocking lightly, I waited until he answered.
As soon as he opened the door, he pulled me into the room and into his arms. He kicked the door shut behind us and smiled down at me. I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been weeks since we’d been together. Weeks since he’d touched me. I leaned up on my toes and kissed him.
He kissed me softly at first, but soon I was throwing my bags down beside me and pushing him up against the door. He pushed his hands into my hair and licked at my lips before he deepened the kiss.
“We better slow down. It’s been a while and I don’t want to rush this,” he said against my lips.
“Rush this,” I said.
That’s all it took. He lifted me up against the wall and kissed me harder. His hands dug into my hips as he started to press his hardness against me over and over again.
“I wanted to take my time with you. I wanted this to be perfect,” he said as he moved down the side of my neck and sucked softly.
The buttons of my shirt popped off one by one as he pulled my shirt open and worked his mouth down onto the cleavage above my bra. I clawed at his back and begged for more. I couldn’t get enough of him. It had been too long and I needed him. I hadn’t planned on it being this way, and from what he was saying between kisses, he hadn’t planned it this way either, but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
I pulled his shirt over his head and he took his mouth from my body just long enough to let me. Then his warm skin was next to mine. He pulled me away from the wall and unhooked my bra. He tossed my ripped shirt and my bra across the room, then sucked a nipple into his mouth.
I cried out and dug my hands into his hair. He continued to press himself against me, and the friction of my jeans against my thin panties was driving me crazy. Reaching between us, I went to work on his belt. I pulled it through the loops of his jeans until I was able to throw it down beside my discarded shirt and bra.
His jeans fell around his hips and I ran my fingers through the light hair right below his belly button. He groaned against my skin. I struggled with the zipper on his jeans until finally I could get my hand beneath his boxers.
He was hard and hot in my hand as I worked my fingers up and down him. He took his mouth from my body and pressed his forehead against my chest.
“I love it when you touch me.” He was breathing hard and his shoulders lifted up and down.
I continued to use my hand on him until finally he released me. I pulled my hand from his pants and put my arms around his neck to pull him down to kiss me. He lifted me again and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me into another room.
Laying me on the bed, he went to work on my jeans. He popped off my shoes before pulling my jeans off completely. He stood above me and stared down at me for a minute, and I almost covered myself.
Then he was there, kissing the inside of my thighs and sliding his finger between my newly shaved skin and my thin pink panties. My hips lifted from the bed on their own as my body begged for more.
And then I heard the pop of my panties as he ripped them off.
“You now owe me two pairs.” I smiled down at him.
Licking the inside of my leg, he looked up at me. His dark hair almost covered his eyes completely.
“You might as well quit wearing them.” He smirked at me.
I was going to remark, but he took the words and the breath out of me as he started to softly suck on the most sensitive part of my body. I squirmed and moved my hips as I began to moan and pant. He knew what he was doing, and I was letting him do it. He didn’t stop until I came apart.
Once his jeans hit the floor, the only sounds in the room were our bodies coming together and his soft whispers as he told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me and the way I felt.
Afterward, I fell asleep in his arms. He held me close and worked his fingers through my hair. The lift of his chest with his breaths moved my head up and down and rocked me slowly.
When I woke up, he was gone. I sat up and peeled the warm sheets from my body. The soft rhythm of his guitar came from the other room. He was playing “Patience” and singing softly. It sounded perfect.
I wrapped the sheet around my naked body and stepped from the bed. My feet met crisp pieces of notebook paper that had been cut into different sized snowflakes. My eyes followed the pieces of paper, which seemed to be laid out in a path to the room where the music came from.
I followed the path, careful not to step on the perfectly cut paper snowflakes. Occasionally, I’d pass one with a word written on it.
Beautiful, strong, unique, mine, and then at the end of the path in the biggest lettering was the word “Perfect.”
I smiled as I reached down and picked up that particular snowflake and brought it to my lips. Zeke thought I was perfect. As long as he thought I was, then that’s all that mattered. I’d struggled my entire life trying to be my best for someone. It was nice to just be me and have someone accept that and love me regardless.
I pushed open the door and stepped into the sitting room lit by a single candle. The flame on the tip of the wick danced in the breeze. Soft shadows moved in corners and made the room feel alive with the light sounds of Zeke’s playing.
The music got louder and Zeke’s voice filled the room. I’d never heard him sing, but it was nice. I looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Stepping farther into the room, I narrowed down where the music was coming from. A small CD player sat beside the candle. I walked over and turned the music down in confusion. Where was Zeke and when did he record the Guns N’ Roses song?
“You look like a Greek goddess with that sheet wrapped around you like that.”
I spun around at his voice and found him leaning against the doorway I’d just stepped through. His arms were crossed over his chest and the gray sweats he wore clung to his hipbones. He was so unbelievably sexy, and he was mine.
He stalked toward me while his eyes took me in, and then he pulled me into his arms. The light sounds of him and his guitar played behind us.
“I recorded this for you after we were done with the album. Do you like it?” he asked as he softly kissed my forehead.
“I love it. I love you.”
He ran a finger down my cheek and his face became serious. “You came into my life when I needed you the most. I didn’t even know I was capable of being the man I am when I’m with you. I was dark and broken, and you lit up my world and put me back together piece by piece. I can’t breathe when I’m not with you. I can’t think of anything but your smile and the way you make me feel when we’re apart. I’ve decided that I never want to be away from you again, and if you’ll have me, I’d like to be yours until there’s nothing left of me.”
He dropped down to his knee in front of me and grabbed my hand. “I want us to take care of each other. I want to hold you when you’re sad and protect you from anything that threatens to hurt you. I want to fall asleep with you every night and wake up to your sweet smile every morning. I love you more than I could write in a song, more than I could put into words, period, and I want you to be mine always. Will you marry me, snowflake?”
He popped open a ring box and I looked down at the single diamond resting the cushioned box. Smaller diamonds surrounded it and gave it the look of a tiny snowflake molded into the platinum band. It was beautiful.
Looking down at his eyes, I could see they were watered up. I didn’t even realize I was crying, too, until he reached up
and wiped away my tears with his thumb.
“Yes. I’d marry you every day for the rest of my life.”
His smile was the brightest I’d ever seen as he took the ring from the box and slid it onto my finger. He stood, wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me.
“Forever,” he whispered into my hair.
Life had been difficult for Zeke and me. There were hard times that we almost didn’t make it through. But then we found each other and held each other together. Not everyone meets their other half. Not everyone has the chance to feel the kind of love that Zeke and I have for each other, but I’d like to think that after everything I went through in my life, Zeke was my happy ending.
I’d never be perfect—no one is—but when I was with Zeke, perfection wasn’t needed. The truth was I was a beautiful mess and Zeke was the crazy glue that held me together.
Epilogue
Zeke
The wind blew her long platinum hair to the side, covering her beautiful face as she turned toward me. She was leaving and it was killing me. She held up her hand with a frown. Sad, icy eyes stared back at me. My perfect little snowflake. She was mine for such a brief moment in my life, and now, she was leaving and moving on. Expanding her mind and becoming a part of society.
She didn’t need me anymore. She didn’t need me to make it better, to hold her close when she was afraid. It sucked. I needed her to need me. I wanted her to need me until the end of time, but things would never be the same, and as badly as it hurt, I knew it was for the best.
So I told her good-bye, watched as she disappeared behind a set of black doors, and I walked away. My heart was broken, I was full of fear, yet I couldn’t help but smile a little with pride.
Before I could make it back to the car, I felt a tiny hand tug on my arm. Turning, I found her standing in front of me with tears in her eyes.
“I love you, Daddy.”
Perfecting Patience Page 14
