“No,” I chuckled and shook my head, “I’m afraid I only planned for a nice leisurely lunch by the beach. I think my days of mayhem and adventure are over.”
“Oh, come on, Mimi. I know you. You’re the girl who was always game to go along with any idea I had! I’ll bring the fun back into your life.”
I grabbed my purse from the hall table and walked out onto the porch. As I locked the door, I looked over at him. “What makes you think I don’t have any fun now?”
He smiled even wider. “Because you haven’t been out with me in well over a year!”
“As modest as ever, I see.”
“You’d think less of me if I weren’t,” he said with a wink.
We made our way to a shiny, new Land Rover. I turned and looked at him with a puzzled expression. “Where’s Nelly?”
James’ face fell, making him look sadder than I’d ever seen him.
“I’m afraid poor old Nelly finally went to the great junkyard in the sky,” he said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye.
“Oh no, what happened?” I asked, feigning bewilderment.
“She just… up and died one day. There was no resuscitating her. I tried for hours. She sputtered a few times, but in the end, it was futile.”
I gently laid a hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye as I tried not to laugh. “It was her time, then. She led a long, full life. Be grateful for the time you had together.”
James nodded stoically, then cast his eyes to the SUV parked at the curb. A slow smile spread across his lips as he reached out to move his hand over the shiny black paint.
“This here is Bessie. Isn’t she sexy?” he said with a wink.
I walked over to the door and pulled on the handle. “Well, she sure looks good from the outside, but you know, the true measure of beauty is what’s on the inside,” I said, keeping up the charade.
“And under the hood…” James mumbled.
I turned and looked at him with my own grin. I was enjoying the playful pretense.
“I heard that!” I said.
“What?” He looked at me innocently. “We are talking about a car after all.”
I finally laughed and climbed inside, admiring the leather upholstery and the glossy finish on the dashboard. I thought I might have to convince James to let me take Bessie for a test drive as my poor Lexus was nearing its final days as well. I might like to have one of these.
James darted around the front of the car and hopped into the driver’s seat. He looked like a little kid with a fistful of cash headed to the comic book store. I said as much, enjoying his obvious delight with the new car.
“It’s not only Bessie who’s making me happy, Kitten. There’s a little Mimi thrown in there, too.”
I couldn’t help but smile. We may have had our problems, but James had always been a fun person to be around. I had let go of the lingering anger I felt toward him, so I decided to try to enjoy his company. However, I didn’t feel any stirrings of the lust we had always shared. To me, it was still like seeing a good friend I hadn’t seen for a long while. I told myself not to over-think it and go with the flow.
As we drove toward the coast, I leaned back in the soft leather seat and took in the warm sunlight and the scenery of my city passing by. I let out a sigh of satisfaction. James turned his head toward me, a quizzical look on his face.
“Is something wrong, Kitten?” he asked.
“No James,” I smiled at him, taking in his ruggedly handsome face, “quite the opposite. I was getting comfortable. It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles, don’t you think?”
He looked at me and nodded, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. “I think anywhere in the United States would be a beautiful day with you by my side. God, I’ve missed you, Mimi. I can’t tell you how much.”
I hesitated for a beat. I didn’t want to give James any false expectations, but I wondered if I should consider resuming a romantic relationship with him. The idea didn’t give me any sort of excitement or hope we could regain what we had previously shared, but with Justin beginning a relationship with Marina, I thought, perhaps, I should keep an open mind toward James. Justin was moving on. Maybe I should accept that and try to get on with my own personal life.
My instant reaction was a thought of me out of Justin and Sammy’s daily lives. Images of visiting only on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon a couple times a month, awkward lunches with Justin, Sammy, and Marina, and finally of me receiving only occasional pictures of Sammy as he grew. My stomach dropped, and I felt sick. No, no, no. I couldn’t let that happen. I didn’t know what I could do about it, but pursuing a relationship with James before I mustered the courage to talk to Justin about how I felt about him, wasn’t the right option.
I gave James a mild smile back. “It’s good to see you too,” I replied. “I really hope we can forge a new friendship and begin again.”
He grinned widely, an obvious spark of hope igniting in his eyes. I raised my hand in a cautious gesture to curb his immediate enthusiasm. “Don’t get carried away. I mean a beginning as just friends this time. I don’t know what the future holds, but right now, I can’t offer you anything but friendship. I want that to be perfectly clear from the outset.”
He nodded, but the eagerness on his face remained. “I’ll take what I can get right now, Mimi. You should know, I’m determined to make you mine again, but I know I have a long way to go before you can trust me again. I’m committed to making everything up to you.”
He reached over and squeezed my hand, then returned his attention back to the road. I needed to make sure to keep James at a polite distance for the foreseeable future. I knew how he could get when he set his mind to something, and the last thing I wanted or needed was to be involved in another strange sort of love triangle. I let the subject drop and wouldn’t address it again unless James overstepped his place in the ‘friend-zone’. I’d let my behavior speak for itself.
Before long, we arrived at a nice seaside restaurant. It was new, and I’d never heard of it before. How James managed to come upon this little gem when he was so far away was beyond me, but I had stopped being surprised by his knack for finding the best places, no matter where we were, a long time ago.
After placing duplicate orders for fish tacos with a beer for him and an iced tea for me, we settled back in our seats. He had a contemplative look on his face as he stroked his fingers over his slightly stubbly chin.
“So, what is it, Mimi? You didn’t order a beer with lunch like you normally would, and you mentioned something before about a lot having changed for you over the last year. You said you don’t drink at all anymore. What happened?”
I took a deep breath and braced both palms on the edge of the table. I’d known I’d have to explain at some point, but I didn’t think the subject would come up so soon or that he’d dive right into it. I probably should have. James was never a master at being delicate.
“I’m not sure where to begin. I suppose picking up where we left off is probably a good spot. You know I’d been taking some heavy medications following our incident on the way to Mexico.”
He nodded his head as the look in his eyes grew guarded.
“Well, by the time I came to see you in Israel, I had already developed a habit of over-using my medication. I didn’t use only to relieve the pain from my injuries, but to also avoid the heartache and loneliness of not being near you. It was foolish of me, but the last thing I was thinking of was developing any sort of habit. I never even paused to think about it, really. I told myself something hurt, and I had a prescription which could make it go away.
“Not long before I came to see you, I met someone. He was only a friend, but he liked to party and had easy access to all manner of drugs. When I began having difficulty getting my prescriptions refilled by my doctors, he was all too willing to supply me with a substitute.”
James looked at me again with an eyebrow raised. “He gave you Oxy.” It was a statement, not a question.<
br />
“Yes,” I replied. “I’m not sure how you know that, but from what I’ve learned, people often resort to it once they’ve gotten hooked on opioids.”
James looked almost angry. “Had you moved on to that by the time you came to see me?”
I nodded. I wasn’t about to sugar-coat any of this for him or myself. The facts were the facts. “Yes, that and a few other drugs, as well.”
“Had you turned to heroin?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“No. No. Fortunately, I never got that bad off, but I had been using cocaine and other stimulants by that time. I’m not sure which I was on at the time I saw you, but it was likely only cocaine.”
“Only cocaine, she says,” James muttered as he ran his hand over his face.
“I know, but I did do a good amount of a few others. I became addicted, plain and simple, and my life took a very drastic turn. All I did was party or sleep in that time. I got myself into a few dangerous situations before I finally opened my eyes and got help. I did a three-month stay in a rehab facility and have been clean and sober ever since.”
“How long has it been?” he asked.
“A year in May,” I replied.
We sat there silently for a few moments. I knew James needed time to digest the information, but even if we were to only be friends, he needed to know the whole truth about me. I didn’t expect his reply.
“Kitten, I’m sorry. I suspected you had begun to abuse your meds when I first got to Israel. I should have done more for you.”
I laughed at that. “James, it’s not your fault I was stupid. What could you possibly have done from halfway around the world?”
“Hell, I don’t know, Kitten. I feel responsible somehow. If I hadn’t gone away, or if I’d been blunt about my suspicions, maybe it would have made a difference.”
“First, you had no choice but to go. It’s your job, and you were kind of legally required to go. Second, I am my own responsibility. I’m an adult and knew better than to do what I did, but I’ve always been inclined toward denial, and I used my absolute ‘best’ poor judgment in the process. I don’t think anything you could have said would have made much difference to me. I’d have tried harder to hide it.”
“I guess you’re right,” he sighed in resignation. “It’s still hard to not feel guilty, at least a little.”
“Well, don’t. That whole fiasco was entirely my fault.”
“So, what about now? How’s everything going?”
I smiled. “I haven’t had any relapses if that’s what you’re asking. I do still attend NA meetings from time to time, but probably not as much as I should. Sammy keeps me very busy, so I’ve been lazy about making time for them. I see a therapist and stay in close contact with my sponsor. That said, I wasn’t magically cured in rehab… I still have moments when things get stressful, and I think about using again. Those are fleeting thoughts though. All I have to do is look at Sammy, and the idea of being anything but my very best for him is unthinkable.”
“You talk like he’s your kid,” James observed.
“He might as well be for how much I love him and how much time I spend with him. I don’t think I could love my own biological child any more. I’m also the only mother he knows, so we have a mutual bond,” I said with a happy grin.
“Wow. I guess I never really considered what kind of role you’d play in Justin’s kid’s life, but it makes sense. What’s going on with his real mother?”
I bristled at the mention of Delia. Of course, he was her son, but as far as I was concerned, she wasn’t his mother. That was me and only me. Right or wrong, I felt that deep in my bones and resented any reference otherwise.
“She’s in jail for eleven more years. She recently petitioned for visitation rights, but it was denied because she flipped out at the hearing when my name came up.”
“I’d think she’d still write and try to find out about her boy. You know, ask for pictures or something.”
“As far as I know, nothing has happened since the hearing. Justin hasn’t said anything.” It gave me an uneasy feeling to think she may have asked Justin for pictures and worse, he might have given them to her. Surely, that was preposterous, considering he hated her as much as I did.
“I don’t know. He’s never said. Thanks for putting that in my head,” I teased. “Now I’m going to have to grill Justin over it.”
James gave me a wide smile. “Anything I can do to make Justin’s life a little uncomfortable, I’m happy to do.”
I waved my napkin at him and told him to hush just as our server brought our meals.
We enjoyed our lunch slowly, chatting about different, safer topics, but didn’t linger. I kept the conversation moving along, not letting us get stuck on any one subject because I was eager to get back home. I knew it was silly as Justin probably wouldn’t be home until the evening. Nevertheless, I equated home with him and Sammy and that’s where I always wanted to be. Perhaps I could even arrange to pick Sammy up from Audrey’s house earlier. She’d be hard pressed to give the boy up for the rest of the day, but it was worth a try. I was lost in my thoughts. I heard James clear his throat.
“Mimi... earth to Mimi…” he called.
“What was that? I’m sorry. I got lost in my head a little.”
James face split into the devilish grin he got when he started thinking off-color thoughts.
“Easy, tiger,” I said. “I wasn’t thinking those kinds of things. I was thinking about Sammy.”
He broke into a loud laugh. “God, things have changed. You had such a dreamy look on your face, I thought for sure you were reliving some of our best moments.”
I laughed with him. “I guess they have. I can’t even remember the last time I had sex. In fact, I haven’t even tried to remember. Not since before rehab. Sammy came along so quickly after I got out, I haven’t had a moment for any of that.”
“Well if it’s all the same to you, Kitten,” James winked at me, “I intend to change that.”
“We are friends, James.” I raised my eyebrow at him. “None of that is anywhere on the horizon.”
“Yet,” he said firmly as he placed his credit card in the billfold and handed it to the server who had come back to our table.
I shook my head. I was either going to have to be more definitive in my boundaries or not make time for him. Likely, I’d have to do both. James’ determination seemed to be growing by leaps and bounds over our lunch.
As soon as the bill was paid, I stood, ready to make our way back to Bessie.
“In a hurry, are you?” James said as he slowly rose from his chair.
“Sorry.” I gave him a sheepish smile. “I can’t help it. I need to get back to my boy.”
“Alright, alright. I see how it is. I thought I was going to have to compete with Justin or some other guy, but I can see the real competition is a baby.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m going to have to come up with a whole new game plan.”
“Oh, James,” I giggled mischievously, “you should know there is no competition. Sammy is way cuter than you could ever be.”
“That hurt, Kitten.” James grabbed his stomach like he’d been punched in the gut.
I laughed and sprinted for the car while James pretended to limp along after me.
Later in the evening, when everyone was home and settled down for the night, I lay on my bed doing some heavy-duty thinking. I did have a good time with James, but not like before. My life was so different from when we were together. I felt like a completely different person than I was back then. I’d been through the wringer, only to emerge into a world where my life was filled with one very special little boy and his amazing father. I realized while I had loved James, it lacked the depth and richness I found in my relationships with Sammy and Justin.
My thoughts turned to Justin. The thought of distancing myself from him, with or without Sammy in our lives, was hard to bear. While I had always depended on him for emotional support, I now knew he was so much
more than that to me. How could I have been so unaware of my feelings for him until Marina came into his life when I was supposed to be devoted to ‘living honestly’? I had taken our relationship and his feelings for me for granted. It wasn’t conscious, but I realized I always presumed he would love me forever. While he very likely would, I never stopped to consider his feelings could change, could morph into something different, back to the platonic sort of affection he and I shared when Vance was alive.
Blind. I was completely blind despite all the work I’d been doing to slough off my old, bad patterns of denial and self-absorption. I needed to try harder to see Eleanor, my therapist, on a regular basis. I’d failed myself mightily in that area and considered myself lucky to not have a relapse even though that close call I’d had when Sammy was a newborn had scared the shit out of me. I’d thrown myself into my role as Sammy’s proxy-Mom and completely ignored my own emotional needs. If I’d been taking the proper steps to maintain my mental health, maybe my feelings for Justin might not have come as such a surprise or the discovery of them at such a miserable time. When would I ever get this right?
I rose from my bed with a quick glance at my phone. It was nine-thirty p.m. and the house was silent. Sammy wasn’t a bad sleeper, but he was sometimes known to still be raring to go at this hour. Spending the day at Grandma’s house must have been too much excitement for him. I stifled a giggle, thinking if Sammy were this pooped out, Audrey must be half-dead after dealing with his energy all day long.
I meandered into the kitchen, still lost in my thoughts. I wasn’t really hungry, but I scoured the pantry looking for something to nibble on. If I had to be perfectly honest, what I really wanted was a drink. Just a nice dirty martini to settle my thoughts, relax my muscles, and help me put aside all this deep contemplation. I shook my head. This was exactly the reason I needed to stop being complacent about my aftercare. I may not have felt a strong enough craving to drive me to get a drink, but just the thought of it as a solution to my discomfort was warning enough.
I reached for my beloved Oreos, then grabbed the milk from the refrigerator. I had long ago gained back the weight I’d lost while I was at the height of my drug abuse and then some. I’d always been a curvy girl, but I had to admit, I was starting to get a little thicker in my waistline and the other spots where I was already more than amply endowed despite all the yoga and visits to the gym. As I stuffed an Oreo in my mouth, I also promised myself I’d consider improving my diet.
Just Perfection Page 8
