“It’s not that easy, James. I made a disaster of both of our lives while I was using. He had so much of his own personal shit going on, yet he repeatedly dropped everything for me, whether it was to take care of me or to rescue me from whatever situation I needed to be saved from. To ask for anything more than what he’s already given me would mean I’m the same stupid and selfish Mimi I’ve always been. Only this time with a lot more gall. How can I expect or demand any more from him? He’s already given me way more than I deserve.”
“It’s not an insult to tell someone you love them. Just the thought of that is ridiculous. So, you made some huge fucking mistakes. That doesn’t lessen your value as a human being. When did the level of being worthy of love rise to perfection? Justin’s not that guy. I’m not that guy. Why are you expecting it from yourself in order to think you could be lovable?”
I squirmed on the hood of the car, uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going. “I don’t feel worthy. I spent the last year trying to show Justin I’ve recovered, healed, changed. I wanted to give back to him, to be the devoted friend he’s always been to me. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to do that. I have no business asking for more.”
Justin slapped his hand on Bessie’s hood. “Stop it, Mimi. Stop being so ashamed of yourself, you think you’re only worth crumbs. You. Are. Amazing. If he doesn’t make you feel like you are, then, by all means, move forward. I’m willing to bet he still treats you like a princess though, even if you’re too mired in your embarrassment to notice.”
“James, you weren’t’ there. You don’t—,” I started before he cut me off.
“I don’t need to have been there. Kitten, you could have robbed orphans to feed your addiction, and I would still think you are as wonderful as I do now. Why? Because you ARE. You are not the sum of your mistakes. Like you said, you’ve grown and changed. The question is why are you more ashamed of what you did rather than proud of who you are now? Seems like a no-brainer to me. Huh. Maybe you did kill too many brain cells partying if you can’t figure that out.”
I’d like to say I had a sudden epiphany, that James’ words parted the clouds in my mind and all my shame and humiliation simply fell away. What really happened was I grew more restless, and the desire to drink or use was strong. I gritted my teeth as the craving rose in me before remembering to use my breathing techniques. Initially, each deep inhalation which wasn’t accompanied by fine white powder filling my nostrils added to my agitation. After a few breaths, however, I felt the tension in my neck and shoulders begin to ease. I opened my eyes to find James looking at me closely.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m good,” I nodded quickly. “Well, I’m better than I was a few seconds ago.”
James reached out and touched my cheek. “Do you worry about relapsing?”
“I do. Especially when I have moments like I did. I don’t let it dominate my thoughts, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fear it. Taking care of Sammy keeps me strong, keeps me focused on the future and making smart decisions. If I didn’t have him, I don’t know where I would be. I may feel weak sometimes, but my love for him is greater than any weaknesses I have.”
“He can’t be your only reason for staying clean, Mimi. You have to find a reason for yourself to keep doing it.”
“This is my reason. Sammy means everything to me.”
“He’s not enough. Sammy will grow and need you less and less. Then what will you do? How will you prove your worth?”
I blinked. “Didn’t you say I’m worthy just as I am?”
“Exactly.”
“You’re confusing me. I don’t understand what you mean,” I said, resisting the urge to grab James by his shirt and shake him.
“Mimi, my point is you’re working so hard to prove yourself rather than being yourself and doing things out of love. I know you sincerely love both Sammy and Justin, but this is not a pass/fail assignment you need to ace to graduate into a worthy human being. Change your thinking. You do it because you love them, not because you want them to love you. They already do.”
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. It was very hard not to feel like I had to atone for my sins. Boy, I had a lot to discuss with Eleanor at our next appointment.
“Can we change the subject, James? I hear everything you’re saying, I really do. I’ll think about what you said, but I have spent so much time thinking about this already, my head feels like it will explode. I’d like to relax and not think about anything heavy anymore.”
“Okay. Wanna make out instead?” he said with a grin.
I rolled my eyes at him and swatted his arm. “How about we be quiet for a while and look at the lights?”
James put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side. We sat silently for an hour, enjoying the vista before us. It was calming. If I couldn’t put my relationship with Justin to rights, at least I felt like James and I had. I believed we’d easily move forward as good friends from here.
James dropped me off at Justin’s door with a big bear hug and a promise to call soon. Before he left, he tipped my chin up and dropped a brief kiss on my lips. Before I knew it, he was gone.
I walked into a silent house. Justin had left the light over the range in the kitchen on, so I wouldn’t have to negotiate my way through the pitch dark. As I moved toward the hallway leading to the back of the house, I heard Justin clearing his throat. I turned, peering into the shadows in the living room. He was sitting in the recliner in the corner, his forearms braced on his thighs, his head dropped low.
“Justin? What are you doing sitting in the dark?” I whispered.
He raised his head, but it was too dark for me to make out his face. Slowly, he stood and prowled over to me. He reached forward and grasped my neck with his hand. He wasn’t rough, he didn’t squeeze me, but the gesture was clearly a message. I just didn’t know what. My pulse began to pound, and my breath quickened, but I stayed still, waiting to see what he would do next. He laid his other hand on my cheek and turned my head from side to side. I didn’t fight, I didn’t question him. I simply stood there pliant under his touch.
Finally, he gripped my chin for the second time that night. Before I knew it, his mouth crashed down on mine, kissing me forcefully. I was stunned for a moment, but quickly found myself falling into a dark hunger I’d never felt before. I grabbed his head in my hands and pressed my lips to his harder, my tongue colliding with his furiously. We dueled, we fought, we each struggled to possess the other’s mouth completely. Justin never let go of my neck, only slightly tightening his grip when I tried to wrest control of the kiss from him.
Suddenly, he tore his mouth from mine and looked down at me again. His chest rose and fell rapidly, and I wished with everything in me I could see his face clearly. I couldn’t see his expression, couldn’t gauge his feelings. I was mystified by his actions, but so incredibly aroused by his passion. I moved forward slightly, bent on bringing his mouth back to mine, but with a gentle shove, he pushed me from him. He turned and walked back to his room without a word.
I stood there bewildered and off-kilter. The kiss had been devastating and deeply stirring at the same time. I stayed rooted to the spot for I don’t know how long. I felt my bruised and swollen lips throbbing, and my tongue yearned to stroke against his again. My skin felt too tight, and my head was spinning. I was too much of an emotional wreck to chase after him and make him tell me what that was all about, but I was too wound up to even consider sleep. Wrapping my arms around me, I headed off to take a very long, hot shower which would, hopefully, help me relax.
A few weeks went by. Justin never mentioned the kiss nor did I. It seemed as far as he was concerned, nothing had ever happened. As for me, I continued to stew over my feelings. I wasn’t sleeping well and dark circles began to rim my eyes. My appetite had also fled, and my clothes got looser on me. I also took to spending more time at the gym. I knew I was withdrawing, but I didn’t know how else to deal
with my emotions. It was better to stay away, especially since Marina had made a few more appearances at the house. I couldn’t tolerate watching them together and her pathetic efforts to win my baby to her side.
A funk took over. I spent a lot of time sleeping when I wasn’t out of the house. I wanted to spend more time with Sammy like I usually did, but I was convinced I had to get used to not being such a big part of his and Justin’s lives. One morning, after I had slept in until ten, Justin confronted me while I was having coffee.
“What’s going on Mimi? You don’t look or act like yourself, lately. You’re gone a lot and when you are home, you’re so tired. Is there something I should know about?”
“No, I’ve had a lot on my mind, and I’ve been exercising at the gym a lot while I try to work things out.”
“Tell me the truth, Peaches. Are you using again?” he asked tersely as he crossed his arms tightly across his chest.
“What? No. God, no,” I replied, shocked he would even consider that.
He looked at me, evaluating whether I was telling the truth or not. Thinking about it, I supposed I couldn’t blame him. For all outward appearances, I probably was acting a lot like I did when I had been getting high all the time. I pulled my chair over to his and pulled one of his hands into mine.
“I promise you, Justin. I am still clean and sober. It’s just I…” confessing my feelings were on the tip of my tongue, pressing against my teeth. In the end, I sandbagged it. “Things are changing. With your relationship with Marina, it’s only a matter of time before you’ll be wanting to take the next step and ask me to move back home.”
He breathed a sigh of relief. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that.”
A bolt of panic shot through me. He wanted me to leave now.
“I didn’t know how to ask you. I have been worried over this for days,” he said.
“It’s okay.” I feigned a smile. “You don’t have to feel bad.”
“I’m so relieved.” He leaned over and hugged me tightly. “I was scared to death.”
“No, I’m fine on my own now. You don’t need to worry about me.”
He squeezed my hand. “I know you are.”
With a wounded heart, I stood up and put my mug in the sink. I kept my back turned because I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes. “I’ll find a sitter for Sammy. You have enough to do with work, you don’t need the burden of trying to figure that out.”
“Thanks, Mimi, but I’m sure my mom would do it. If that’s what you want. You know how crazy she is for him. I’m sure your mom would be willing to help out if mine can’t.”
My mom. How would she take this news? Would she still want to be as involved in Sammy’s life? She was like another grandmother to him. I’d have to make sure she didn’t turn away now that I wasn’t going to be a daily part of their lives.
“I think you’re right,” I said as I discreetly wiped away the tears falling down my cheeks. I turned back to Justin. “I’ll make all the arrangements, so you don’t have to worry.”
He stood and walked over to me. He pulled me in for another long hug where I clung to him tightly. I didn’t want to let him go, figuratively and literally.
He kissed my forehead and said, “You’re the best, Peaches. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here to take care of us as well has you have.” He kissed me again and walked away to his home office.
I went to Sammy’s room and found him sitting quietly in his crib. He was such a good boy. Of course, he was like all toddlers and got into mischief sometimes. He was also extremely vocal when he didn’t get what he wanted, but most often he was content to play by himself or with Snowflake. Assured he was safe and sound, I went to my room and had a good cry. Then, I called Justin’s mom, who was overjoyed at the idea of being Sammy’s full-time caregiver, but concerned about why it wouldn’t be me anymore. I had a hard time holding back more tears, but gave her some excuse about being ready to go back to school. With those arrangements set, I called my mom and made plans to have a late lunch with her.
When we met, she was astonished at my news. “I had such high hopes for the two of you,” she admitted. “I can’t believe he’s dating someone.”
“They’ve been seeing each other for months now, Mom.” I laid everything out for her. “He seems happy.”
“How about you? How do you feel?”
“I’ll be honest, I’m heartbroken,” I sighed sadly as I turned my fork through the salad I’d ordered. “I curse that I had my head up my ass and started using. I destroyed any chance I had with him. I don’t want to leave him and Sammy, but he made it clear to me this morning he’s ready to take the next step. I have no choice. It’s time for me to get on with a life where they are not central, I guess.”
“I say you should stay and fight for him, honey. You know he loves you. You couldn’t have destroyed that, or he’d never let you be around his child. He’s trusted you all this time, never once questioning whether you can handle the responsibility even though Sammy was born so soon after your release from rehab. He’s never lost faith in you, so I really doubt there is no chance for you two to be together. This Marina person doesn’t have the history with him—you do. Get in there and make your feelings known. If he turns you down, well then you know. But you must do it for your sake and for Sammy’s, too.”
“That’s close to what Liz said, too. I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship or cause him to pull himself and Sammy away from me.”
“Dear God, Mimi,” she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in frustration. “How long have you been singing that tune? ‘I’m afraid to jeopardize my relationship with him’. Take a chance, girl! If he didn’t desert you during the times you’ve needed him most, he sure isn’t going to now. I didn’t raise a coward. Be brave!”
I told her I’d think about it and quickly changed the subject. She was more than happy to talk about a man she had recently met at the grocery store. This blew me away. Mom didn’t do much dating, but she seemed particularly smitten with this person. I was happy for her, she deserved to have someone special in her life.
After we finished our lunch, I drove back home. I thought about the things my mom, Liz, and James had said. Maybe they were all right. I should fight for him. He and Sammy meant too much to me to go quietly. I didn’t want to disrupt Justin’s happiness, but I had to see if there was still a chance for us. I made up my mind to talk to him as soon as I got home.
When I pulled into the driveway, I groaned. Marina was standing on the front porch. I hadn’t known she would be coming today. Justin was pretty good about letting me know ahead of time when he was expecting her. However, one look at Marina and all my determination to have a serious conversation with Justin fled. She was too gorgeous. He’d be stupid to choose an addict over her. I exited my car and slowly trudged up the walk.
“Hey, Marina,” I said. “I didn’t know you were coming over today.”
“It’s a surprise visit. I wasn’t far and got the impulse to bring him and Sammy lunch.” She held up a bag from a local deli. I wondered what she could have possibly gotten for Sammy at a delicatessen. It wasn’t exactly the first thing I thought of when it came to a baby’s appetite, but maybe she’d shock me.
I looked down at my watch. It was already three in the afternoon. “I’m pretty sure Sammy has already eaten.”
She looked crestfallen for a moment. Then she brightened. “Well, maybe he’s ready for a snack.”
“Maybe you’re right. I’ve been waiting for Justin to answer the door. I rang the bell twice, but he hasn’t come to let me in. I see his car, so I thought he was here. I didn’t think about it, but maybe he took the bike somewhere.”
“No, he’s home. He has Sammy, and there’s no place to put a baby on a bike,” I replied, laughing to myself. “He probably didn’t hear the doorbell from the back of the house. C’mon in, I’ll get him for you.”
I let her in and went back to Justin’s o
ffice while Marina went to the kitchen to ready their food. I found Justin and Sammy in his office. I stood in the doorway as I watched him with Sammy standing on his lap. He had music playing and he was making Sammy dance. It was so cute. I never got tired of seeing Justin interact with his son, his love was so obvious. Fatherhood really brought out the best parts of him. Things which were always there in small ways were so much more pronounced now that he was a dad. I sighed happily.
Justin turned and looked at me with a big smile. “Hey, Peaches. Come dance with us.”
“I think you two are doing fine on your own,” I laughed. “Besides, Marina is here. She brought you guys lunch. She’s in the kitchen right now.”
“Did you hear that, Sammy? Marina brought lunch for us even though we’ve already eaten! It’s okay though, we’re both growing boys, right?”
I chuckled and took Sammy from his lap, putting him down and leading him out of the office by the hand now that he was well and truly walking. When we entered the kitchen, Justin came up behind Marina and slid his hands around her waist.
“Hey. I didn’t know you were here,” he said. “What a nice surprise.”
She leaned back into him, raising her arm over her shoulder and cupping the back of his neck.
“I have to make sure my men are fed properly,” she giggled.
He kissed the side of her neck and stepped back. My heart throbbed and not in a good way. It was painful to watch them together. I quietly backed out of the kitchen, certain my absence would not be missed.
I crept silently to my room where I sat down on my bed and cried. I couldn’t ruin Justin’s obvious happiness. I had already put him through enough. He didn’t need any more complications from me. I abandoned my earlier decision to seize the day and resigned myself to follow through with the plan to move back home. I would miss Justin and Sammy with all my heart, but I had to put them before myself. I had learned the hard way that was what love was all about.
Just Perfection Page 10
