by Tonya Blount
―God, pleeeeeze make him stop! Make him stop!‖ Fear and anger had begun to collide.
―Don‘t you know God don‘t owe you nothin‘, honey,‖ Smoke angrily retorted. Despite my pleas, God didn‘t intervene. Before Momma had slid into darkness, she would take me to church. I use to love to go because I loved the singing, and I loved seeing everybody so happy. I remember Momma would get so happy she would dance and shout all over the church and talk in a different language. One time I asked her what she was doing and she said that when she did that she was slain in the Spirit and talking to the Lord. Then it occurred to me why God hadn‘t stopped Smoke yet. He couldn‘t hear me. So I started talking like Momma did when she spoke to God. But He didn‘t hear that either because the more I spoke, the harder Smoke pounded on my raw and dry pussy.
Chapter 2
Smoke didn‘ t take everything from me that night. I still managed to own a tiny piece of joy. Sometimes I had to dig deep to find it.
Although Smoke wore the evidence that proved he had violated me, Aunt Hope still refused to believe it. She couldn‘t face what Smoke did to me because accepting it would mean that her man wasn‘t who she thought he was. Instead of confronting the obvious she ignored it and she worked even harder to please Smoke. She cooked, cleaned, worked, even ironed his draws and jumped whenever he coughed.
No matter how many times Aunt Hope changed her hair dos, how much weight so lost on Weight Watchers, the Bahamian Diet or Slim Fast, or how good she cooked or screwed Smoke, he was still the same sorry ass loser and her conscious wouldn‘t let
her forget or ignore the truth. For almost two years, she was in a constant battle of denying or accepting. Eventually, denying it ate her away and left her with a crumbled and decaying soul.
―Storm,‖ Aunt Hope yelled from the kitchen. ―Didn‘t I tell you to clean up the damn kitchen?‖
―I‘m coming,‖ I answered sleepily. ―Gimme five minutes.‖ ―Five minutes? No. Bring your ass here right now…right this second, Storm! I‘m tired of repeating myself over and over again with you.‖
I sucked my teeth and released a heavy sigh. ―But I‘m tired.‖
―And don‘t be in there talkin‘ under your breath either. Don‘t let me have to come in there and smack the shit out of yourass.‖
What she got bionic ears now? ―I ain‘t say nothing,‖ I answered back.
―Just get your ass in here and clean this kitchen!‖
I got up from the bed and put my slippers on. I gotta make a move soon, I thought.
* * * ― You can throw them pots and pans around all you want but you betta not break a fuckin‘ thing or it‘s gonna me and you tonight.‖
―It‘s me and you every night,‖ I mumbled. Aunt Hope put her crack pipe down; got up from the sofa and walked into the kitchen. ―What you just say?‖ ―Nothing,‖ I answered back nervously.
―No, bitch,‖ Aunt Hope began ramming her index finger on my temple. You said something…I‘m tired of your ass thinking you grown. There is only one queen in this fuckin‘ palace and that‘s me! You think you so bad then you know what you can do…you can get the hell out my fuckin‘ house. That‘s what!‖
I had grown tired of the daily threats and tired of screwing nasty old men to support her and Smoke‘s crack habit but it wasn‘t time to leave yet. I was only thirteen years old and fucking for free. I had to plan.
―I‘m sorry,‖ I lied hesitantly. It wasn‘t because I didn‘t know how to lie. It was what followed after it. ―You damn right you sorry…a sorry lazy ass. That‘s what you are. No wonder Lisa left you. You drove the poor woman crazy. She was fine before she had you. Your momma was beautiful and smart ass shit. Yes she was. I mean how many black woman morticians you know? None. That‘s how many. She was all of that…a good Christian woman with a beautiful future ahead of her. ‗Til she met your sorry ass father and that was all she wrote. She got knocked up with you and when you was born all you did was cry. Tank had to feed her drugs to keep the poor woman from goin‘ crazy.
―You cried for two years straight. You know that? I ain‘ t never seen a baby like you in my life…cry, cry, cry. That‘s all you did.‖ Aunt Hope walked back into the living room and sat on the sofa. She had told me this story more times than I could remember. Yet every time Aunt Hope told it, the words spoke to my heart as if it were the very first time. Every since I told her that Smoke had raped me, Aunt Hope became a stranger to me. Smoke acted like a bitch, and I was the enemy to them both.
Aunt Hope took the plastic bag off of her hair and unbuttoned her jeans. ―Smoke did I ever tell you, Storm cried so much I wouldn‘t even shake a man‘s hand…too scared I would get pregnant and end up having a child like Storm. You know that‘s why I ain‘t never have no kids…because of Storm.‖ They both laughed. Aunt Hope picked up the lighter and began smoking.
The phone began to ring.
―Storm answer the phone! I don‘t understand why you gotta let it ring four or five times before you pick it up anyway. Any other
kid would be happy and running to answer the phone.‖ ―Hello. Yes, hold on.‖ My palms instantly became sweaty. Rells was a drug kingpin. When Aunt Hope and Smoke ran up their tab
and didn‘t have the money to pay it off they offered Rells free reign of my body. I turned my attention to Aunt Hope. ―It‘s Rells.‖
―Rells?‖ Aunt Hope asked.
―Yes,‖ I answered handing her the telephone. Aunt Hope covered the mouthpiece and whispered.
―You know what he probably calling for…so go on and get yourself ready. ‗Cause I ain‘t got no money.‖
―But…but, I‘m tired and I got a test tomorrow.‖ ―No buts,‖ she snapped. ―Hand me that phone and go on and get out my face.‖
* * * I knew it was time to plan my escape from hell. The flicker of joy I had managed to keep had allowed me to continue daydreaming about one day being a famous singer…the next Monica. The longer I stayed there, the longer it would take me to become a star.
There was one thing that Smoke, Bill, Dollar Bill, Mousie, Rells and the rest of the men I was forced to have sex with had in common...they never looked me in the eye. Deep down inside they were just like the boys my age…insecure but always trying to act powerful. They enjoyed my fear. The more I cried, the harder they would hump on me. If there was anything I had learned lately from Aunt Hope was she knew how to make you feel ashamed and powerless. If I tried to stand up for myself, she would bring me right down with her hurtful words and attack on Momma.
I had a plan, this time when Rells humped on me, I humped back. He stopped immediately. Then he slighted lifted himself off of me and looked me in the eyes. I put my hands on his butt, pulled him back toward me, and slowly moved again…this time I moaned. With everything in me, I pretended to enjoy the thickness of the unwanted flesh that was inside of me. Then I tightly closed my eyes and fantasized about LL Cool J. I opened my legs as wide as I could, then I began to sing his name, ―Rellllls.‖ Without saying a word, Rells abruptly withdrew his shriveled penis out of me; pulled up his draws, and then his sweatpants. When Rells reached the door; he dug in his pocket took something out and threw it on top of the milk crate.
I got up; picked up the crisped $50 dollar bill and smiled. I had messed up his head and finally got paid.
Chapter 3
Winter hung around longer than it should have. It was April 1st and three inches of snow had fallen on the city during the night.
The good thing about the winter time was it was easy to hide stolen goods. I could easily stuff a coat inside my coat if I wanted to. Selling coats and clothes always brought me quick cash. However, with spring around the corner, I knew I had to come up with another way to stash clothes.
After my initiation with Rells, I realized there was money to be made selling my goodies. In order to look the part, I had to have the clothes and the cosmetics. I started with helping myself to Revlon‘s make up, and Exclamation perfume at Duane Reade‘s. I would use my bus pass an
d take the B52 to downtown Brooklyn
and go shopping. I would always make sure to leave with a paid item -- even if it were only a pack of Big Red chewing gum. To my surprise, boosting was easy and I never got caught. By the time, I was fourteen I started ―shopping‖ in Sears, then I graduated to Macy‘s. Observation was the best teacher. I would browse around the store until I found a seasoned booster. Then I would watch them go behind the racks, out of the view of the big black ball. There they would bite the alarms off. I tried it and got it right the very first time.
It was important that I looked the part in whatever role I was in. Whether it was to sell the goods or wear the goods that I stole. I was driven and acted the part well.
Money was my sole motivation, because having it was the only way I could escape the two occupants that ran fiery hell on Putnam Street -- Aunt Hope and Smoke. Every dollar I earned, I secretly kept from Aunt Hope and saved for my emancipation. I made a vow to myself that by the time I was seventeen, I would be gone from there and living on my own.
* * * Exiting the back of the bus, I noticed Looney Tootie sitting inside the bus shelter. Looney Tootie was an elderly homeless woman known by the entire neighborhood. She was given the name ―Looney‖ because you would often see her talking and screaming at the air. I never thought anything was wrong with her because a lot of what she said made sense. She was actually the only person in the world that I had learned something
positive from. Looney Tootie always told me as long as I had my mind I was free. Looney Tootie was carefully guarding a large Conway bag and two small Pathmark bags which contained everything that she owned. For once, she was dressed appropriately for the weather. She had layers and layers of clothing on – two coats, a multi colored crocheted hat and red worn holey gloves. It didn‘t matter what the season was, Looney Tootie dressed the same. I often wondered what kept her from passing out during some of New York City‘s heat wave.
―Hi, Miss LT,‖ I said. Slowly lifting her head up from her chest Looney Tootie, replied, ―heeeey sugggga. How you?‖
―I‘m good.‖
―Whatcha got good in dat
bag?‖ ―Just a pair of pants.‖ ―You ain‘t got no food.‖
―Nah. You hungry?‖
―Yeah, I‘m hungry.‖
I reached in my pocket and pulled out a single $20
bill. ―This is all I got on me. Come on and walk with me around the corner to Popi‘s so I can get some change.‖ ―Oh, you want me to go wit‘ you to Popi‘s?‖ ―Yes. Come on,‖ I said beckoning her in my direction. ―We gonna go to Popi‘s so he can make us some change?‖ I huffed. ―Yes, Miss LT. Now come on I gotta get home.
You know how Aunt Hope be acting.‖ Looney Tootie kicked the empty 40 ounce bottle of Colt 45 out of her way and quickly stuffed her bags under the wooden bench in the shelter. Turning her attention to me, she said, ―Oh, you gotta hurry home to Hope and the devil.‖
―Yes,‖ I replied with a laugh. ―You know they ‗bout to be whipped. And when they do they gonna go straight to hell.‖
―I know. You always tell me that.‖
― I mean it this time, baby. You gotta pay attention to the signs, chile‘. It ain‘t snowing in April for nothin‘. God is sending the snow to cleanse the earth. Demons ‗bout to fleeeeee. You hear what I tell you.‖
―Please Miss LT, I ain‘t in no mood to hear about that warfare stuff today.‖ ―Alright, alright. I know. Storm, you ain‘t never in the mood ‗cause you don‘t like all that God and demon talk. But you watch what I tell you, them demons ‗bout to flee! But don‘t you tell nobody what ol‘ Tootie tell you. You keep quiet. Here?‖
―I won‘t tell nobody what you say Miss LT. You know I never do.‖
―You know why you can‘t
right?‖ ―Uh huh.‖ ―A closed mouth catch no flies but loose lips sink ships,‖ we said in unison.
As we turned onto Marcus Garvey Boulevard, I quickly noticed Smoke walking toward the telephone booth in front of Popi‘s bodega. It was always easy to spot Smoke. He was slightly hunchbacked and swung his hands from left to right when he walked. Smoke was with another crack head named Snoppy. I quickly turned around, hoping to get around the corner and hide behind the dumpster. I wanted to avoid the usual spectacle that occurred when Smoke or Aunt Hope caught me in the street.
―Storm!‖ Smoke yelled.
I pretended I didn‘t hear him and continued to walk while simultaneously lifting the shopping bag in my arms and trying to stuff it inside of my coat. I had about five steps to go until I reached the dumpster. If I made it there I would hide.
―STORRRRM,‖ Smoke‘s voice grew closer and louder. ―You hear me calling you. You besta turn ‗round and get your ass back here…right now! I ain‘t gonna call your ass again.‖
I stopped my tread, slowly turned around and let out a heavy sigh. ―Huh?‖ ―What the fuck you mean, huh? Who you think you talking to? Where the hell you think you‘re going?‖
―I just-,‖ I had started to say.
Smoke had reached me and looked down at me with his intimidating eyes. ―Hope been looking all over for you. Why you so late getting home from school?‖
―I had to stop at my friend‘s house and pick up something.‖
―What?‖
―I said I had to go to my friend‘s house and pick up something.‖
―I heard that dumb ass. What did you have to pick up?‖ ―Something.‖ ―Don‘t play with me Storm. I ain‘t gonna ask you again.‖ ―My shirt.‖
―Your shirt?‖
―Yeah.‖
―What the hell is your shirt doing at somebody‘s house?‖ ―I let her borrowed it.‖
―Her? Whose her?‖
I nervously shifted from side to side and huffed. ―Umm…Nee Nee.‖
―Who the hell is a Nee Nee? You don‘t know nobody name Nee Nee.‖
―Yes, I do. How you gonna tell me I don‘t know her?‖ ―Bitch, you done bumped your damn head!‖ Then Smoke smacked me on the side of my head. ―Who the fuck do you think you talking to?‖ Tears quickly escaped my eyes. I was enraged. I had been humiliated too many times by him and Aunt Hope. I looked over to my left and Miss LT was still standing in the same position. She nodded at me, reminding me that I needed to answer the question.
I nearly choked on the lump that sat in my throat. ―Sorry. She goes to my school…that‘s why you don‘t know her.‖ I stammered.
―You a damn liar!‖ Smoke said as he grabbed my coat and pulled me. ―You lie so damn much you believe your own gotdamn lies.‖
LooneyTootie broke her silence. ―You oughta be shame of yourself…treating that chile‘ like that!‖ ―Mind you gotdamn business! Who you think you are? Telling me what to do with my child? What you need to be worrying about is finding some where to wash your ass. That‘s what you need to be doing…crazy bitch!‘‘
―I ain‘t your child,‖ I mumbled while moving my head from side to side. ―You take care of yourself now, sugar,‖ Looney Tootie warned.
Releasing myself from Smoke‘s hold, I replied, ―I will, Miss LT.‖
When I reached where Miss LT stood, I grabbed her by the hand and quickly placed the $20 bill in it. ―Here‘s your dollar back.‖
Looney Tootie paused for a moment. ―You sure,
sugar?‖ ―What the hell is going on?‖ Smoke snapped.
I started to walk away. ―Nothing. Just giving back Miss LT her dollar.‖
Luckily Big John had turned the corner because I didn‘t know what lie I could make up next.
―Hey, man, what‘s going on?‖ Big John asked. Then the two gave each other a high five. I don‘t know why he still held onto the name Big John though. Smoking that crack had shriveled him to droopy skin and bones. Even Michael Jackson frail ass was bigger than him.
―Ain‘t nothing man. Just working hard…you know.‖
Yeah, right. Where at? Smoking your brains out at the crack den. I thought.
Then Big John looked at me. ―Hey
, Storm. I tell you…the older you get the more you look like Lisa. She spit you right out.‖
―Hi,‖ I answered dryly.
―She mean and crazy like her, too.‖ Smoke added. ―How‘s
your old lady?‖ Big John asked folding his arms.
―She doing good. Everybody fine. How ‗bout your family?‖
―Oh, everybody doing alright. Yeah, yeah everybody doing good.‖
―What came
out?‖ ―769.‖ ―769?! Ain‘t that some shit. That came out ‗bout a week ago. Didn‘t it?‖
―Uh, huh. Played Tuesday ‗fore last.‖
―I‘m looking for those triple two‘s man.‖
―Yeah. It‘s about time for them to come out.‖
Then Smoke took a few steps closer to Big John. ―So, uh, you know um…what you got good?‖ Bingo! Those were the key words. Aunt Hope would be lucky if she saw Smoke within three days.
―Got a little something,‖ Big John muttered.
―Storm you go on home. Tell Hope I‘ll be home in a few minutes.‖ Smoke then handed me a small brown bag. ―Here, give this to her. Its some loosies…and a beer. Make sure you give it to her…and take your ass straight home. Don‘t get lost, here.‖
―Okay, okay.‖ I hate his guts. I wish his crack head ass would get run over by a truck.
―I see you later, Storm,‖ Looney Tootie
said. ―See you later, Miss LT.‖
―Take care of
yourself.‖ ―I will.‖ ―See you later. Bye, sugar.‖
―Alright go on, Miss LT.‖
―Oh, Storm,‖ Looney Tootie called out.
I turned around to face her, ―What Miss LT? What you want? You heard what he said…I gotta hurry up and go on home.‖
―Don‘t you ever forget what I told you…the weakest people come to the strongest with the weakest bullshit!‖
* * *
―Storm, that‘s you?‖ Aunt Hope called
