by Tonya Blount
―Baby, you hear me? You hear me don‘ t you? I knew it! I knew you could hear me. Boo, if you can hear me, move your finger again? Come on ma, you can do it. I know you can do it.‖
I decided to concentrate on the index finger once again. Slowly I was able to move it again.
―Storm,‖ Taj cried out ecstatically.
The joy in his voice made me feel that at the moment I could do anything. I immediately commanded my body to sit up, move, walk, and jump. Nothing happened. So I decided to focus on one thing at a time. I realized I had to take it slow. I began to focus on opening my eyes. I felt them open slow— very slow. Then they closed. Then they opened again. But I couldn‘t see. No matter which direction that I moved my eyeballs, I only saw total blackness. I panicked and wanted to tell Taj. I had to tell Taj that I couldn‘t see.
I tried to speak but I was unable--there was a large tube in my mouth. I turned my focus once again on my hands. Somehow, I had to gain the strength to move my hand. I needed to tell Taj to take that tube out of my mouth. I needed to tell him that even though my eyes were open, I couldn‘t see him.
―Storm,‖ Taj sniffled. ―I‘m here,‖ he added. ―I‘m right here, baby.‖ Suddenly, I heard footsteps. Someone had walked into my hospital room. From the sound of the heels, it was a woman—an overweight woman.
The room smelled like a florist. There were roses to the left of me and to my right there must have been an exotic arrangement and somewhere nearby in the room there was eucalyptus. There may have even been a few stems placed in the exotic arrangement. Right above my head, I heard the sound of a fluorescent light hum and steady flicker. Next to the roses, I heard a machine beep then pause, then beep again.
I also heard noises coming from the doorway. Some were stronger than the others. There were people walking by, machines beeping, and telephones were constantly ringing. I was already teaching my right ear to become my eyes.
The woman had walked to where Taj stood and I could feel her presence at the foot of my bed. ―My wife just spoke. Get a doctor in here right now. RIGHT NOW!‖ I heard her heels quickly click and clatter away, until they faded with the rest of the noise, and blended with the hustle and bustle in the hospital corridor.
* * * It had been four days since I had been taken off of the respirator. I had developed an infection and ran a fever for almost two straight days. It appeared that I wasn‘t going to make it through this battle. I would put my foot inside death‘s door, but something or someone kept me from giving up and walking all the way in.
I smelled candles burning--my favorite, vanillaroma and peaches and cream scented. The room was so peaceful. I knew Taj was there but he didn‘t speak to me. Maybe he is sleep. Just let him sleep, Storm.He must have read my mind. ―I‘m not sleep. I was just laying here watching how beautiful you are.‖ ―Laying?‖ I asked.
Taj chuckled. ―Yeah, the nurses got me a cot. I guess
they saw I wasn‘t trying to go anywhere, so they bought this in to me earlier this afternoon.‖ ―Oh, baby. I‘m so sorry. I want you to go home tonight and get a good night‘s rest. You ain‘t gonna be no good for me, ifyou don‘t get any rest.‖
I heard the cot creek, then Taj‘s bare feet walking toward me. ―As long as you have to sleep in here, I‘m gonna sleep here and be with you. I‘m not gonna leave you, Storm. I don‘t care what…I‘m never gonna leave you.‖ His last words seem to be speaking of something deeper than just leaving me in the hospital alone.
―What about the club though? You know if niggas don‘t see you they start thinking you getting weak on them.‖
―I‘ve been checking on the club. Everything is fine. I went by there last night. Don‘t worry about nothing, Storm. I got everything under control. Just take care of you. Concentrate on getting yourself stronger so you can get out of here and go home. Madison is missing you.‖
―Ah…and I miss her, too. I just wanna hug her.‖ I started to fight back my tears.
―It‘s okay,‖ Taj
reassured. ―Taj?‖ I
whispered. ―Yeah.‖
―Can you please lay next to
me?‖ ―Of course.‖
First, Taj walked over to the CD and pressed play. Bonnie & Clyde, started to play. Then he climbed into the bed, gently he lifted me up and placed my body close to his. In my mind, I could picture him so clearly. His perfect smile, and his beautiful brown skin. Slowly Taj glided, and then I glided. I cried, and then he cried. He sang and then he rocked until I fell asleep.
* * * The next morning, Taj did his daily morning routine. Once he was done, Taj told me that he had to take care of a few things. A few minutes later Rick came in and relieved Taj.
―Hey, baby girl. How you feeling today?‖ Rick asked. ―I‘m okay.‖ I grunted, ―I‘m just a little sore today.‖ ―Have you taken your medicine already?‖ ―Uh-huh.‖
―Good. Can they give you anything for the soreness?‖ ―I don‘t know. I‘ll be okay. Maybe it‘s the way I slept
last night. I would do anything for a nice warm bubble bath.‖ I heard Rick fumbling with a plastic bag. I smelled fried chicken.
―What‘s that? Is that KFC you eating?‖
―Nah, Popeye‘s. I couldn‘t find any KFC near here.‖ ―Oh.‖
―Oh, my bad. You want some? They still got you on
that liquid diet don‘t they?‖
―No. I can eat solid food now. But no, I don‘t want
none. Taj and I ate breakfast not too long ago. What time is
it? Ain‘t it too early to be eating lunch?‖
―It‘s 11:30. You know I don‘t eat breakfast though.‖ ―Oh, that‘s right. I forgot that.‖ ―I‘m sorry, Storm.‖
―Nah, it‘s okay. You don‘t have to keep apologizing Rick. It ain‘t your fault that this has happened to me. You can‘t help that I have trouble remembering things. I‘m getting better though.‖
―I know. I‘m proud of you, you know that right? I know you a fighter though.‖
―I don‘t know about that. How is Taj doing Rick?‖
―He‘s fine, Storm. You know he can take care of himself. Don‘t worry about Taj. Just worry about getting betta, baby. That‘s all.‖
―I gotta worry about him. I don‘t want him running himself raggedy. He don‘t deserve this. He don‘t deserve having to worry about taking care of me...spending the rest of his life taking care of a blind woman that he probably get sick to his stomach looking at anyway.‖
―Girl, what are you talking about?‖
―I‘m talking about the way I look. I can feel my face. I may not be able to see it, but I can feel it. It feels ugly.‖ ― Storm, you still the same beautiful woman you were before the accident. The only thing that is different about you is right now you can‘t see. That‘s it.‖
I knew he was telling a lie. But his lie comforted me. ―Right now? Forever you mean? For the rest of my life?‖ ―You can‘t say that Storm. I mean look at you. The doctors didn‘t expect you to make it through the surgery. You a fighter. You gonna defy all the odds—believe me. And before you know it, you gonna be your old self again. Driving everybody crazy. Cursing everybody out. And then, when you are all betta, you and Taj gonna get married.‖
―I hope so.‖ ―I know so. And when you do, I‘m gonna sing at the wedding.‖
―I‘m gonna hold you to that.‖
Amidst the hustle, and the noise in the hospital corridor, I heard a different walk, I smelled a different scent.
―Is that-‖
Madison came running into my room, licking me, crying and barking. Taj walked over to my bedside and lifted me up. Madison jumped on the bed.
―Taj, how did you manage to bring her in here?‖ ―You know I can make things happen. Especially when it come to you.‖
I played with Madison for almost fifteen minutes. Then we said our goodbyes and Rick took her back home.
* * *
―Thank you, Taj. I can‘t believe you managed to get Madison up in here like that.�
�
―No problem, baby. You know I would do anything for
you.‖
―You know sometimes I get so angry because I don‘t
understand why this had to happen to me. But then I look at you,
you are unbelievable. There is no other man that can even stand
next to you. I‘m so proud of you. I don‘t have many good men to
compare you to but I know that they don‘t make men like you.‖ ―Storm, ain‘t nothing I‘m doing that the next man
wouldn‘t do for you. You make a nigga just wanna hand you
the world. You do it to me. You bring out the best of me.‖ I suddenly became quiet.
―Taj?‖ ―Yes, Storm.‖
―I‘m scared.‖
―I know. I know you are,
ma.‖ ―Taj?‖
―Yes, Storm.‖ ―Am
I still pretty?‖
Taj kissed me on the cheek and worked his way to my
lips. ―Storm Williams, you are beautiful.‖
* * * In the middle of the night, I heard the cot squeaking. Taj would get up and walk back and forth. I would hear him typing on his two-way. Then he would take the remote control and flick through the channels. I had been suffering with a headache the entire day. The pain medication had me pretty groggy but I had to shake out of it and find out what was bothering Taj.
―Taj,‖ I whispered softly. ―Yeah, Storm. What‘s the matter? You in pain or something?‖
―No, I‘m okay.‖
―You gotta go to the bathroom? You need me to bring your bed pan? You want some cold water?‖ ―No. What‘s the matter with
you?‖ ―With me?‖
―Yeah.‖
―Nothing. Ain‘t nothing wrong with me. Why you say
that?‖
―I hear you, Taj. I hear you walking, pacing, twisting and turning. I know you. What‘s wrong?‖
―I just can‘t
sleep.‖ ―Why?‖ ―I don‘ t know. It bothers me watching you suffer like this. I mean, you cried all day because of those damn headaches. Yo, I hate this. I hate not being able to make this betta. I feel like a failure because not only wasn‘t I there to protect you…to stop this from happening to you, I can‘t take away your pain. It‘s hard, Storm. I hate watching you going through this…if it‘s not the headaches, it‘s the fever. If it‘s not the fevers, it‘s the infection. Why?‖
―I‘m sorry.‖ ―I‘m sorry, Storm. My bad. I shouldn‘t be acting like this.‖
―You are only human, Taj. You need to let out your frustration, too. It‘s not good to keep everything in. Stop worrying. I‘m gonna be fine and then I‘m gonna be able to take care of you. Come here, hold my hand.‖
―Um…I was thinking.‖
―About what?‖
―Don‘t get mad at me for bringing this up. I‘m just gonna throw it out there…you don‘t have to agree with me or nothing like that.‖
―What,Taj?‖ I asked concerned.
―Why don‘t you let me look and see if I can find your mother or something?‖
―My mother? Why the hell did you bring her up? My mother is probably dead somewhere.‖
―You don‘t know that Storm.‖
―You right, I don‘t know that. I don‘t care to know either. If she ain‘t dead. She might as well be.‖
―I didn‘t bring it up to upset you. I just thought that maybe now was the time you needed her. Maybe you need to talk to her.‖
―Taj, I appreciate you. I appreciate you looking out for me and standing by me and everything but I don‘t need my mother. I needed my mother years ago. I needed my mother when I was sucking dicks just to eat. That‘s when I needed my mother. Yeah, I needed my mother when I stole food to eat; when I had to eat raw spaghetti for breakfast and vanilla frosting for dinner. That‘s when I needed my mother. The only thing I need right now is to see again. That‘s it. You are my mother, my father, my man, my world. I don‘t need that part of my life back.‖
―I‘m just saying. I just feel bad.‖
―Taj, feel bad about what? That I don‘t have no family coming to visit me?‖
―Yeah.‖
―But I do. You are my family, Rick is my family, Rosa…well, Rosa is my family when she ain‘t getting on my damn nerves.‖ We both chuckled.
―You sure, Storm?‖
―I‘m positive. I‘m fine.‖
―Sometimes I just feel so helpless.‖
―Taj you are what brought me back from death‘s door. Don‘t you know that? How can you sit there and say that?‖
―Storm, you always have a way of making me feel like I can conquer the world.‖
I heard rain tapping at the windows. ―Is that
rain?‖ ―Yes, it‘s suppose to rain for the next
three days.‖ ―I hate it when it rains.‖
―I know you do. I always think of you and smile when it rains. Because I know how much you always fuss when it does rain.‖
―Taj, can you carry me to the
window?‖ ―Huh? What for?‖
―Please.‖
―Storm, you know betta.‖
―Taj, I‘ll be fine.‖
―Why? You don‘t like the rain. We just finished talking about that.‖
―I know. But for some reason, I wanna be close to the outdoors. You know I love the outdoors. Especially when it‘s hot out.‖
Taj let the guardrail carefully down, wrapped me in the blanket and then he carried me next to the window and sat me on his lap.
I placed my hand on the window. I could feel the cold. I could feel the water hit the glass. The window would faintly vibrate each time the rain hit it.
―What are you thinking about?‖
―I‘m thinking about the beach, the sun, and the sand.‖
―Do you remember telling me that you had a dream that we were married on the beach?‖
―No.‖
―You don‘t remember telling me that you dreamt that we had gotten married on the beach and that Rick had sung for us?‖
―No. That‘s funny you said that ‗cause he told me today that he is gonna sing for our wedding. I didn‘t even know that Rick could even sing.‖
―That‘s what you said when you told me about the dream and I told you he could sing.‖
―Did you tell him about the dream?‖
―Yeah, when you first got hurt I told
him.‖ ―Oh, then that‘s why he said
that. Taj?‖ ―Yeah, ma.‖
―If you still wanna marry me—‖
―What you mean if I still wanna marry you? Why you talking crazy?‖
―I mean, it‘s not crazy. I can‘t see. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with a woman that can‘t take care of herself?‖
―I‘m not gonna spend the rest of my life with a woman that can‘t take care of herself. You know why? Because this situation right here is temporary. You ain‘t gonna always be this way. I give you my word—‖
I interrupted him. ―How can you give me your word on that?‖
―Because I can, that‘s how. I give you my word that one day you will see again.‖
―Taj please don‘t tell me that. There is no way you can guarantee me that.‖
―Let‘s stop talking about it. Are you ready to get back in the bed?‖
―No, not yet. Just a few more minutes then I‘ll be
ready.‖ ―Okay.‖
―Taj, I hope that you are right. ‗Cause I don‘t like the darkness. I don‘t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don‘t wanna die. But I don‘t wanna live without being free.‖ Then Taj held me tightly.
―We gonna beat this.‖
―Taj, you ever thought about having kids?‖
―Yeah, I used to think of it sometime. But I know you wasn‘t ready for that, so I don‘t bring it up. I mean you said you don‘t like kids.‖
―You can‘t always keep your dreams a secret to make me happy.‖
―Well, one day, I guess when you
are ready I planned on bringing it up.‖
―I want a child. Maybe we can have two kids. I want two boys. Because the world deserves more men like you.‖
Chapter 13
Three weeks had passed by since my accident. Everyday presented itself with a new challenge. One day, I was wiggling my toes, seeing white flashes and the next day I was screaming because of the headaches. Taj and I were on an emotional rollercoaster. One I was definitely ready to get off of.
For the past couple of days, I had been having a steady visitor—Lisa Santana. Lisa had read about me in the newspapers. Lisa was from Richmond, Virginia and had come to New York to work on a documentary about female hustlers and wanted to know more about me. I resisted her initially, but it was something about her that was different—genuine. I barely opened up myself to strangers, but despite my initial resistance I had opened myself up to Lisa. I could sense that Taj was pleased that we had hit it off. Maybe I did it for him.
No matter how mean I was to Lisa she came back the next day. I had a feeling that she could relate to me more than she had led on. In the beginning, I would hear her writing down notes, but I didn‘t hear that anymore. Now it seemed that she had what she needed for the documentary. But she still kept coming back.
―Boo, you sure you don‘t want no more eggs?‖ Taj asked. ―No, I‘m full.‖
―Okay.‖
―Taj, can you lift up the bed a little bit for me?‖
―Sure,‖ Taj pressed on the button. ―Is this good enough?‖ ―Yes, that‘s fine. Thank you.‖ ―I spoke to Rosa and she was gonna go ahead and make the appointment for you to get your hair done. But I told her to hold off on that ‗cause you wasn‘t doing so good yesterday.‖
―Yeah. That‘s fine. I don‘t think I‘ m up to that just yet. Does it look bad?‖
―No.‖
―The braids don‘t look old? They feel old?‖
―Nah, baby. It looks good. You know I wouldn‘t lie to you.‖
―I can‘t wait to get a fresh dubie.‖
―Soon you will be able to. Real soon.‖
I started to cough. ―Taj pass me some tissue please?‖ ―You need to sit up a little bit.‖ He started feeling my
