Life hung her head. “How I could have spawned such a…?” she said. “How have you become such a vile creature, such a lawless liar? End this now and come back as—”
“As your what?” Dal asked. “Your slave? I am what you made me, cast out and impaled on the sharp spike of your love.” He kept his gaze on her, and pointed to the fall. “The love you pretend to have for them. I am that I am, because that is what you commanded. Blood-flowing and rage-filled revenge. And you … you are neither sorrow nor joy. You are simply absence. No pain, no sorrow, nor sweet misery of judgment and redemption. Joy and love and ecstasy do not exist without these things. You are not joy. You are the absence of lament. And that is emptiness. I will have none of it.” He gazed back to the final stages of the fall. “Neither will he.”
— XIV —
A FEW MORE floors rush past me—ten maybe. I don’t take time to count, because I’m getting really pissed off now. This fall is taking forever. I know the street will splatter me, so I’m just wondering … what’s the goddamn point?
Flashes of life? Purgatory? That’s just electro stimulus to the brain as it shuts down—sputters to a stop like an old guzzler’s engine that won’t turn off when you pull the key. I know I’m dreaming, none of this is real. Don’t ask me how I know that. But if this is the flashes of my life…
Kelly and my wedding and marriage fly by. Then our first house and I know where I’m going from here. Shortly after that, things fell apart. Almost as fast as this fall.
Then I jolt to a stop. More like a slam, really. And it’s raining outside and I immediately recognize where I am. Doesn’t take much. Contempt-filled doctors, overworked, sunk-in-eyed nurses, and a huge angry orderly standing in the corner. I’m in a State Med-mart birthing room.
That’s what the hospitals turned into—assembly line chop-scrapers where they take citizens apart and put them back together, like mechanics wrenching on old, rusted guzzlers that nobody wants or needs anymore.
I look at the doctor—disgust and contempt written all over his face—and he forces a downturned smile at me. It’s easy to look at a citizen that way—you got too much of something, what’s the use in having one more?
I jerk my head toward the window when a huge bolt of lightning flashes, but it’s hard to hear the thunder over Kelly’s screaming, and then there she is.
Amy. Bright, beautiful Amy, stretching her way out of Kelly’s vagina. I can’t watch it again.
I turn my head, but it doesn’t matter. The image was seared into my mind long ago. Kelly rips, she screams, and then there’s all the blood and then—who decided that childbirth had to be so brutal? I’m just glad as shit I never had to do it. I mean, it looks painful. And bloody? I’ve seen less guts when I field dressed deer.
Then the blood and shit comes and a nurse scoops all of it off the table, dumps it, and then asks me if I want to cut the umbilical. What? Like after all that deliciousness, I probably want some dessert.
“Hell no,” is all I can remember saying over Kelly’s whimpering. And then I’m queasy and the room spins. Or spun or something, but I feel the same sensation now. As real as it was when it was real. Then things go black.
— XV —
DAL WAS WILD now, and he shot fire from his wings. He longed for the warmth of the past. And the shimmer of the great hall could not quell his rage and regret. A lament for all time of a love cast overboard and drowned beneath the seas of blood he had spilled.
“Indeed,” he said to all in attendance. Soon they would all choose again. “Who did decide that bringing forth life should be so barbaric? Birth and death mimic each other. And to the woman you said, ‘I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children.’ ”
Life answered on impulse, “This was my judgment.”
“For the crime of tasting sweet fruit? You are right.”
Life stared into all of their pasts. How could her children have…? “I gave them the garden with very simple instructions. They succumbed to your temptation and—”
“I should come back and work for you,” said Dal. “I could never conceive of such unholy punishments. Your indifference to suffering is—”
“I could only ever show them the path,” Life said. “They must choose to follow it or—”
“Suffer the consequences,” said Dal. “My contempt for your children can only be matched by your own.”
“They will have suffering in this world,” Life said. “That is my Word.”
But Dal was too drunk on the fall. “Yes, yes, but why? Why must we all…?”
She spoke of her own law as simple fact, shooting it at him like arrows of guilt, “There comes a day … when all will be judged.”
Dal paused for a second and then shot some of her own words back, “And you shall wipe away all their tears and there shall be no more death, or sorrow, or crying, neither shall there be any more pain… . And yet I do not fear for myself and my position in this.”
“You should fear your deeds,” Life said to him. “For they shall be your judgment.”
Dal cawed a small laugh. “You are slow in keeping promises, as they understand slowness,” he said. “Your patience while they perish is cruel. Many will never come to repentance and redemption, certainly not this one.”
Her fallen angel was right about one thing, time was growing short. Life said, “You twist and turn the word to suit your own purposes.”
“And you do not?” said Dal. Then he pointed toward the fall. “They do not? … They twist and pervert, and justify everything they do by bastardizing your words to suit them. I will tell you what I fear. I fear that one of them will surpass my own contempt.”
“They seek only to understand,” said Life, “so they interpret the—”
“Who are they to interpret your words?” said Dal. “None are capable of this. You give me fifty from—”
“Theirs is to struggle to come to faith,” said Life. She would make one last attempt. “Yours is to come back to it.”
Dal ignored her. Counting silently in his head the legion of fallen clergy in his section of the grandstands. “I have more than that at my disposal already—little child-raping monsters. They are hideously disfigured after they fall. I can hardly look at them. None of them agree on what the Word means. They do agree on one particular point, though: eye for an eye. They have mastered this lesson.”
In the grandstands there was a cooing of agreement that could be felt throughout the faithful. As the two of them traded barbs, the power of the Word spiked through the inside of the Hallowed Hall as if it was being written before them. However, when it came to a battle of words, it was hard to debate with the current author.
“You have heard that this was said,” Life spoke, “but I have told you, ‘Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.’ ”
“Further hypocrisy,” cawed Dal. “You send your children to teach against your own words. The Word that came before them. You expect man to understand the nuances of that? They barely understand themselves.”
She needed to temper the growing flames. There was much more at stake than the contempt of one fallen angel, even if he was the darkest of them. “Then we must strive to … enlighten them.”
And a huge blast of light illuminated everything in the great hall. And angels screeched and covered themselves with their wings. And the steel in their wings glowed white from the bright and their armor reflected the truth of her Word.
He responded with an orange blast and filled the hall with a fiery flame of defiance. Then he let the smoke subside.
And as quickly as the two of them traded warnings, the hall was bathed in soft light and shadow again.
— XVI —
IF I WAS falling slowly before, now it feels like I’m speeding up. And a bright light blasts me and I close my eyes.
But my anger has turned to fear again, and I wonder what’s really at the end of all
this. Heaven? Hell? What could possibly be worse than what I’ve already seen in my life?
The bad, that has to be next. The good was good enough and I’m happy to have seen most of it again. I could’ve done without seeing Kelly’s vagina ripped apart. Doesn’t feel like I get to pick and choose events, though.
I can feel them watching me. I know they are there. The question is, who are they and what do they want?
The Devil? God? Gimme a break. I’m not that important. And fighting for my soul? That’s just … silly.
“Hey,” I say. If they are out there… “Yeah, ‘vagina.’ I said it. It’s a word, deal with it. Could you hurry this thing up? I’m ready to see what’s next. Show me whatcha got.”
There’s just more nothing in reply. It’s just what I thought. Total bullshit. I wish I could go back. I’d tell all those idiots on Sunday the truth about their faith.
I only wish I could have given some payback. As soon as I think it, I see the windows of the building again. Clear as day now. And here comes the bad.
I can hear the screaming down the hall and I know instantly who it is. Amy—our little angel—the only child who lived through our baby years. The other one? I don’t even know what to tell you.
“Do I really have to do this?” I ask. I’m still not sure if this is just death hysteria or if there really is someone out there. Maybe I’m already splattered and this is some final thought, or impulse or some shit. “Please don’t make me go through this crap again?”
Or maybe I’m a vegetable in a cell at the Fifty, and Kelly is standing over me, feeding me blended-up carrots as I drool orange slime down my chin. Kill me, please. I wouldn’t ever want Kelly in that building.
I don’t even know what I’m saying. “Please.” That’s not me. Anyway, whoever is controlling this, they’re not listening. And it’s too late now, because I’m running down the hallway to our little girl’s bedroom. Kelly is right behind me.
“Daddy,” my little Amy cries and screams, “I can’t make it stop!”
Before the shots, Amy was the sweetest little vanilla-frosted cupcake you ever saw. She used to kiss me on the cheek and say, “Daddy, it’s gonna be a great day!” I never had the heart to tell her any different.
After the second injection, the blinding headaches started and her eyes sunk in from the insomnia. She tried to keep her smile, but I could tell that there was always pain behind it.
I know there’s nothing I can do. The State doctors were clear on that. As helpful as a canker sore on my dick. “Ride it out.” I should call the bastards at home right now and let them listen. Better yet, pay them a little oh-three-hundred visit. And the rage is back—always there when I need it.
“Mom?” Amy says. She’s in pain, but somehow she’s figured out how to bring it down and endure it. I’ve seen that tactic before, but if it was me, I’d be shooting at the walls or some other ridiculous shit.
And Kelly scoots around me and sits down on the bed next to Amy. Poor kid—thirteen, just starting Second Ed Compliance. Now, this shit.
“Butchers,” I say.
“That won’t help,” says Kelly. “And now’s not the time, just … let me handle it.”
And I’m back out the door and in the hall, pacing, searching for someone to choke. But there isn’t anyone. Just a hidden system of lies and money. I found that out later.
“Cancer shot,” the school nurse told my baby. As if that existed. You don’t think if there was such a thing we wouldn’t all be lining up at the nearest State Med-Mart to get it. Never mind that she was marked as non-participating exempt. They fucked up and put her on trial anyway. Gave her judgment she should have never had.
Damn company didn’t even have to get our permission to give it to her. Twelve-year-old little girl and they shot her up with drugs that she didn’t need. But that was the law, that’s how they liked to work it. If the people are too smart to swallow your lies, cram the pills down their throats with the law.
You can bet your ass that the drug company’s prime officer wasn’t shooting his own daughter up with that crap. And you can bet she doesn’t have blinding headaches every night either. She’s probably on the beach in Cancun, partying it up with her friends like a teenage girl should do with her daddy’s money. Only his money was made by bribing State politicians to pass laws to stick needles in everyone else’s kids.
The ranting anger is back—I don’t think it’ll ever die—eating away at my soul like real cancer. I guess they’re still working on a shot for that. And the rage wants to go somewhere, do something. Shove a gun in someone’s mouth and watch them cry and beg to be saved. Like my baby’s crying and begging behind that door.
Guns… That’s what they are good for. In case you were wondering. That’s what they’ve always been good for. Level the playing field. Touch the untouchable. Drag the people responsible out in the shit-streaming street with the rest of us … and blow their brains out.
“Whoever you are,” I say, “I’m done with this, because unless you got some way to bring her back, this is old news. She’s…”
I can’t even say the word. Couldn’t say it to the compliance therapist either. Neither could anyone else in that pointless pity-party they called grief relief. “Passed away” … “moved on” … “better place,” my ass. Growing up, having friends, falling in love—that’s a better place! Body in a garbage bin and then burned to ashes is no place for a kid.
— XVII —
“HE’S RIGHT, YOU know,” Dal said to Life. Then he smiled at the gallery. “Doing that to children, it is shameful.”
“You cannot believe this,” Life said. “You think she would fare better in the lake of fire?”
Dal cawed a little, chuckling. “How is she faring?”
“She is fine,” said Life. “She’s … special. And she is loved.” She left her response at that.
“Are we not all special?” said Dal. “Ah, to have lived life and loved.” He said it that way on purpose. “Well, how marvelous for her. It is a wonderful warmth, I know. However, he loves her. What consideration does that warrant?”
“He can choose to be with her again.”
Dal frowned. “He has chosen.”
“I give unto him eternal life,” she said. “Should he choose, he shall never perish.”
“Yet, no man shall pluck himself from under your hand,” Dal said. “Unless they have rewritten it again, I believe that is still forbidden, correct? So many rules. There really is no way for them to obey all of them, you know.”
“They must simply pursue the path laid before them.”
“Your path is rife with quicksand,” said Dal. “You realize, they forged their own kingdoms with the iron of your words. Words so complicated and rules so vast that no man can hope to understand them, much less obey their covenants. They enact laws and enforcement exactly as you do. And when they break them—stumble as men do—they suffer, many times greatly. But you … you offer them the severest punishment of all. You give them to me. How are you able to…? Had I not lived to see it…”
Life’s silence conveyed the truth. And before she could find a convenient explanation—
“Yes, I suspected as much,” said Dal. “Shall we proceed, then? This one should not be overly difficult.”
— XVIII —
IF THERE IS someone watching, they aren’t listening, because I endure Amy’s screaming until it stops. But when I open her door, I’m sucked through and then I’m falling again. This time, face down, watching the ground rocket up at me.
I try to close my eyes, but I can’t. Apparently, I have to watch myself splatter. Whoever it is, they’ve got a sick sense of humor. This fast … won’t be pretty. It won’t last long either. I imagine everything going black.
What did you think this would look like?
By now, I know that’s not a voice in my head. Well, it is … but it’s not mine.
“Show yourself,” I say, “coward son of a bitch!”
T
hen I smell it. A putrid, coppery scent of decay, but also a hint of … syrup? And baking cookies? But for some reason both of them smell like the overpowering aroma of … death.
Then everything gets dark, and the rain is coming down hotter now, and there is fire in the sky. And I close my eyes, because the heat is oppressive, but really, it’s because I’m afraid to look. If this is who I think, it’s just … not possible. Everything else is gonna feel like lube. This will be the final ass-raping in a world that is truly fucked.
Then everything stops. No more fall and no more rain. Just darkness and flames in the sky. And then he’s just … there.
“Bitch,” he says. “Very colorful … however, my mother… Hmm, let’s just say… There really is no way to prepare you for it, is there? Ah, spoiling the surprise, like telling your children about Santa Claus, I imagine. Makes me positively … giddy.”
His voice sounds like a grandfather. But the sound is loud and feels like it’s coming from inside my head, infecting my brain. If it wasn’t for the red wings and dark red feathers covering everything but his face, I’d say he looked like a State politician. And when he smiles, he looks just like one. Little, baby-harp-seal-colored teeth that look like he just ate an infant for the cameras. Not how I pictured him at all.
I blurt it out without thinking. “Where’s your tail?” I ask. Then I feel a shiver go through my whole body, but he should have a tail, right? And horns? He is red, I guess, so at least the God-dogs got that right. If it is…? That’s just crazy—I’m hallucinating. I hope Kelly wipes the carrots off my chin, because this … this is just a ghost story they tell to try and keep us compliant. Most people have stopped listening. But deep in the back of our minds … when we think about death, it’s hard not to be afraid of judgment and damnation.
“I had it cropped,” he says, and his smile makes me think he’s only half-joking.
I think I lean to see behind him, but I’m feeling … fuzzy, so maybe it’s something else. “Nice … wings.” I say it, but it feels like I’m talking in slow motion, watching someone else speak for me. Hope he doesn’t get me killed. The wings are … beautiful, is the only way I can describe them, but I never imagined him as… I mean, the guy looks like a dark red angel.
Jump: The Fallen: Testament 1 Page 5
