by Amber Kalkes
As I said before, it was a small thing that pushed me over the cliff that I didn’t realize I was teetering on. It was the middle of the night and I couldn’t sleep. Instead, all I was doing was drawing and writing thoughts down in the margins of my sketchbook. Then the pencil broke. I had been gripping it so hard, it snapped clear in half. It seems stupid but it felt like the last straw.
What was I doing with myself? Why was I pretending to be something I wasn’t? My entire life at this point felt like a sham. I wasn’t some college bound girl with hopes and dreams. I was the girl who sat quietly in the back of the class and was waiting for her time to be up. I didn’t want to make a new life because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be happy with that one either.
I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think correctly. It was like everything was in chaos and nothing would be right again. I tried to get a grip, convince myself that I was being crazy but it didn’t work. No matter what I tried to tell myself, the truth was I wasn’t meant to be like this. I wanted out and I could only think of one way.
I feel a tear run down my face, as I remember the feel of the blade sliding across my wrist. I quickly reach up to wipe it away. “I-I-I was having a hard time.”
Dr. Reynolds poises his pen for notes as he regards me, “What about it was so hard?”
“Everything.”
“Nothing specific?”
I shake my head and wipe away another tear from my cheek. I bite down on my lower lip and rip another piece of skin from its surface. The sting of it focuses my mind on the pain and I can feel myself already calming down. That’s all I needed, just a little focus. I wish I could sneak into the bathroom for a few minutes and use the emergency blade in my jacket pocket.
“Why didn’t you talk to your parents about it?”
I let out a dry laugh, “That would have been a waste of time. I would just be put back in the hospital again.”
“But if you had, you wouldn’t have made the attempt.”
I meet Dr. Reynolds pale eyes, “I think you’re forgetting that I didn’t want to be saved.”
He scribbles on his notepad before speaking again, “What about your sister?”
I instantly go tense at the mention of Charlotte. Narrowing my eyes, I try to keep my voice as dull as possible, “What about her?”
“Did her death have any impact on you? Your file says that you made the first attempt on your life, shortly after her death.”
“Of course her death impacted me. She was my baby sister!” I snap as I lift my legs up to cross them in front of me. “I was fucked up long before Charlotte. Her death didn’t make me sick.”
“But it did drive you to attempt to hang yourself in the family dining room.”
“It wasn’t about Charlotte!” I yell before sitting back in my chair. I run a shaky hand through my hair and try to calm down. I shouldn’t have let him get to me like that. I’m sure that’s what he wanted and here I am just giving it to him. I know better than this. Lowering my tone I repeat myself, “It wasn’t about Charlotte.”
He looks completely unaffected by my outburst, “Then what was it about?”
“I just… I didn’t want to be here anymore, in this body, in this mind.”
“What is it about you that upsets you so much?”
I don’t like this question because I’m pretty sure the answer sitting on my tongue isn’t going to satisfy him. So instead, I just shrug and purposely shut down again. I’ve given him much more than I intended to today. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
“Shoshanna,” He begins with a sigh, “I’m going to ask you a question but I don’t want you to answer it now. I want you to think about it until we meet again. Can you do that for me?”
I frown but nod.
Setting his notepad on his desk he leans forward in his chair and locks eyes with me, “The question is: Do you really want to die or do you just want relief?”
“Is there a difference?”
“Yes.”
He doesn’t explain why they’re different, but I think that’s part of the process he’s trying to instill in me. He wants me to think of my motivations. The ‘how’ and ‘why’ my brain goes to the darker directions it often does. The good doctor and suspected ex-hippy is all about self-discovery and self-understanding. Personally, I couldn’t give a shit why I feel this way. I just want it to stop.
“Shoshanna?” He calls, getting me out of my thoughts.
“How much longer do we have left?” I ask quietly as I pull my sweater sleeves over my hands.
“Fifteen minutes.”
I nod and pick at the loose thread again. I’ll have to call a cab to pick me up and take me to my parent’s house after this. It’s Saturday, which means tomorrow is a family dinner back home. I feel my stomach churn at the idea, but I try my best to ignore it. I can only hope Dad is the one cooking this time. Mom always manages to burn everything. God love her for trying though.
“What are your plans for the rest of the day?” Dr. Reynolds asks after a minute.
“Just go home. I have a family dinner on Sunday though.”
“Good. Time with your family is good. It’ll keep you connected to the here and now, and less in your head. Distraction is one of your best allies, Shoshanna.”
I nod my head but internally I’m rolling my eyes. “Distraction” I mentally scoff. Yeah, well, I tried it your way and its gotten me nowhere. The rubber band snapping didn’t work out. My mom took them away saying that the bruises on my arms were no better than the cuts, so that was thrown out the window. I’m a horrible runner so that isn’t an option. What else is there? I can’t carry a note so karaoke is out of the question.
“Is it time yet?”
Dr. Reynolds nearly rolls his eyes at me but refrains, “Yes, you can leave. How’s your prescription working out for you?”
I freeze mid-motion as I start getting out of the chair. Pulling down the hem of my baggy dark gray sweater, I reach up to tuck some hair behind my ear, “Fine. I have enough for the rest of the month.”
He sticks his hands in the front pockets of his slacks, while assessing my face, “You’ll let me know if you run out?”
“Yes.”
“Make another appointment with Marie for next week.”
I nod and grab my jacket off the coat rack in the corner, “I’ll see you next week, Dr. Reynolds.”
“Have a good rest of your weekend, Shoshanna.”
I don’t answer. Instead I walk down the hallway, past the other shrink’s offices and towards the exit to the waiting room. It’s a medium sized room with chairs lining the walls, a play table for kids and a TV in the corner of the room. On the far end of it, is the secretary’s area, with the kind looking Marie sitting in it. She’s by far my favorite part of coming here, I have to say.
“Done already?” She asks as I approach the desk.
I nod and offer a small smile, “I think I might have bored him.”
Marie waves one sun spotted hand, “Don’t be silly, Shoshanna. Doctors aren’t paid to get bored.”
“If you say so.” I shrug.
“So what time can I sign you up for next week?”
As I’m pondering the question, something on the small TV on her desk catches my attention. It’s a news bulletin with the words ‘Fourth Victim of Downtown Ripper Found’ flashing across the bottom on the screen. I don’t take my eyes off the screen as I speak to Marie.
“Can you turn this up? I want to hear what they’re saying.”
Marie frowns at me but does as I ask. The same somber newswoman from the previous broadcast is standing in the city park while she speaks into her microphone, “Stefanie McMullen was found in Griffith City Park today, and has been confirmed as the fourth victim of who the police have dubbed ‘The Downtown Ripper’.”
“What has the world come to these days?” Marie says with a shake of her head, but I hardly hear her.
“I’m here with Detective Vincent Sanchez for more information. Detective, what can our young women do, for them not to be vulnerable to such a brutal killer?”
“Keep your eye out, be safe and be smart about who you go home with tonight. The suspect is a tall, dark haired Caucasian man, described to be in his mid to early twenties. He has a habit of picking up his victims from the downtown nightlife. So if you’re going out tonight, keep an eye out for suspicious behavior.” said an older Hispanic man dressed in a smart suit with a thick overcoat. He had dark hair slicked back from his face with gray coming in at the temples and a graying goatee. He wore his badge around his neck and had a very stern look on his face.
“Wise words.” The newswoman agreed before the camera zoomed over to focus solely on her. “Words to take by heart as the city grieves for yet another lost citizen. Back to you at the studio.”
“Sickos.” Marie mutters before turning the TV off, “You’ll be safe out there, won’t you dear?”
“Huh?” I ask before her words sink in. Swallowing thickly I nod my head, “O-Of course. I’m not much of a night owl anyway.”
“Just as well. So next week, what day are you thinking?”
After scheduling an appointment for next week, Marie gave me a cherry flavored sucker for the walk home. Savoring the taste of it, I slip on my jacket as I leave down the stairs. I zip up my jacket and push the doors open, just in time for the cold winter wind to hit me in the face. Putting on my mittens and hat, I start making my way home while trying to process all the new information.
He struck again. Another young woman and this one followed the last victim much sooner than before. I pull the sucker from my mouth and lick my cherry stained lips. The detective did say he was circling the downtown nightclub area. Maybe that’s a good place to find him, I think. Of course, there’s just one problem. I hate dancing.
Sticking the sucker back in my mouth, I let the flavor settle on my tongue as I formulate a plan.
* * *
Standing in my bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror and fidget with the neck of my shirt. This is probably the only outfit I own that doesn’t look like someone’s grandmother was buried in it. My mother bought it for me for my twenty-first birthday for ‘going-out” occasions, but I only wore it once.
It’s a red bandage skirt that cuts off about mid-thigh with a loose white tank top. Of course, with my arms in the condition they’re in, I have to throw a baggy black and white flannel button over it. Since it’s also winter, I add some tights, so my legs don’t fall off on the walk there. I haven’t put any makeup on. This is mostly due to the fact that I don’t own any.
Brushing my hair back from my face, I lean against the sink as I stare into my reflection. Like what Dr. Reynolds said, I don’t know if I want to die, or if I just want the pain to end. My motivation is unclear, even to me, despite all this fantasizing. I can’t answer his question. Because in truth, it doesn’t matter to me. No matter what I choose, I know that I’m tired of waiting for all this to just go away in time. I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of having to pretend. In the end, it's now or never, and I choose now.
Chapter Four
Epiphany
The downtown scene is lively. It’s one of the reasons the city has a high population of young people. The University is another equally good, but less exciting reason. As I move closer to the string of clubs and bars, I can feel my heart beat speed up in my chest.
Lights flash in my face, noises fill my ears, and the limited space between bodies is already overwhelming. I’m not even inside the club yet and there is too much going on. I check out the growing waiting line outside the door, and feel my hands start to shake. I can’t do this. I can’t be like these people. Turning on a heel, I start walking back towards my apartment when I hear a voice call out to me.
“Shoshanna!” Someone yells but I don’t stop walking. A hand grabs my shoulder and I panic. Spinning around, I move quickly out from under someone’s hold, only to feel my eyes widen when I see who it is.
“Melanie?”
She grins widely as she looks over me, “You look so cute! I didn’t know you came to these kind of places!”
“I-I don’t usually.”
Melanie looks…well, exactly how I would expect her to look, attractive. Her hair is perfectly straight and parted in the middle to frame her heart shaped face, while her makeup is perfectly put together. Every time she blinks, her eyelids sparkle in the neon lights that diverts your attention to the clear, blue color of her eyes. Despite the cold, she’s dressed in a short white dress and a black leather jacket with black ankle boots on her feet.
“Well, do you want to come in with us?” She prompts when I don’t come up with idle chitchat.
“I don’t want to intrude.”
She waves a dismissive hand, still grinning. “Are you kidding? Trevor is dying to meet you! I talk about you all the time and I think he’s starting to assume that I’ve been making you up.” She says the last bit with a laugh, before taking a step towards me with what I think is her begging face, “Please, come with us? It’ll be so fun.”
I open my mouth to decline, but someone bumps into my shoulder, distracting me. I glance back at the person who bumped into me, but I can’t see him clearly, what I see doesn’t make any sense at all. Red eyes meet mine for only a second, before he turns his face back forward. I feel like my heart is in my throat and I have a hard time catching my breath. His eyes couldn’t be red, that’s impossible. It had to be contacts or something.
“What an asshole,” Melanie gasps before touching my shoulder, “Are you okay?”
I flinch back from her touch and force a small smile, “I’m okay. Just a little overwhelmed. I’ve never been to a club before.”
“Really?”
I hum a yes and run a shaky hand through my hair. Shivering, I frown at the line, “Seems like a long wait.”
“Not really. My cousin is actually the bouncer. He lets me in all the time.”
I sigh and chew my lower lip. I don’t want to go in there but what choice do I have? There’s a high chance that the guy I’m looking for is in there lurking around. Looking over the nearby club again, I take a deep cleansing breath and try to muster up any courage I may have. Forcing one of my best and hopefully less creepy smiles, I decide to try.
“Well we don’t want to keep your boyfriend waiting any longer do we?”
Melanie’s whole face lights up, as she claps her hands with glee, “Oh my god! This is going to be so fun!”
Grabbing my hand, she starts to drag me back towards the club. She keeps talking about something, but I’ve already tuned her out. A guy standing near the front of the line must have heard her though, because he turns around and grins at us as we approach. He’s an average looking guy with light brown skin, black buzz cut hair, and very beautiful light green eyes. His full lips turn up farther at the ends, as he turns his gaze to me. I try to find a word to describe the color of his eyes, when Melanie starts to introduce us.
“Trevor, this is Shoshanna from work. Shoshanna, this is my boyfriend, Trevor,” She says with a gesture in each of our directions before smacking his shoulder, “See? I told you she was real.”
He smiles and rolls his eyes before offering me his hand, “Hi. Nice to finally meet you.”
I eye his hand but can’t think of a polite way to avoid touching him. So, with much reluctance, I take his hand in mine, “You, as well.”
I quickly take my hand back and tuck both my arms against my chest. Trevor frowns at me a little, but quickly collects himself as he turns to Melanie, “Finally annoyed her enough to come and join us?”
Melanie bristles a little, “Actually, no. She was just wondering around when I spotted her. She would have caved eventually though. Right, Shoshanna?”
I nod and give a small smile. I really don’t have much else to say to that. Besides, I’m a bit distracted. The idea that he could be here, in this very club, is making me anxiou
s. I want to find him and just get this over with. The longer I continue this mingling façade, the quicker I want to end it. This isn’t my place. These aren’t my people. The urge to bolt is becoming stronger, the longer I stand out here. So with obvious impatience, I decide to get the ball rolling.
“It’s cold.” I murmur quietly, “Should we head in?”
“Of course!” Melanie chirps before turning to Trevor, “This is her first time in a club.”
“Really?” He asks with a kind smile in my direction, “Well, I think you’ll like it. It’s easy to lose yourself in a place like this.”
I blink at him. Am I that obvious?
“I’m sure I will.” I mumble as I move past him to follow Melanie towards the front of the line. The bouncer is a large man in his mid-thirties with short light brown hair and matching brown eyes. He has a tattoo on his neck that catches my eye. Is that a rose or a skull? It’s hard to tell in this lighting.
“Thanks Pete!” Melanie yells before grabbing my hand again to lead me in, with Trevor trailing us.
My eyes widen at the sight before me. This place reminds me of a modern interpretation of an ancient Roman party. Half-dressed people of all sexes lure each other into dancing, drinking, or even hooking up in various places in the building. The lighting is sparse and the music is loud enough to make my teeth rattle with every thump of the bass. Trevor was right about one thing, one could definitely lose themselves in a place like this.
“Isn’t this great!” Melanie yells in my ear as she starts to sway a little to the music.
I nod, still wide eyed before swallowing thickly. To be honest, the scene is intimidating. A nearby couple momentarily grabs my attention as they passionately make out with each other. I turn away when the guy’s hand disappears under the hem of her dress. I feel my cheeks redden. I don’t think I could ever let anyone that close to me, let alone let someone touch me like that.
