by Amber Kalkes
“I can’t do this,” I tell him quietly but in a surprisingly strong voice, “I should never have asked you to do this.”
Tobias’s face and voice are both blank as he asks, “You’re breaking the deal?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I was too caught up with the boundaries that I put up for myself,” I say more for my sake before meeting his gaze again, “What’s the point of keeping promises when I won’t be here long enough to see the consequences? I came to you because I promised my mom I wouldn’t try to take my life anymore. But isn’t that what I’m doing now? The time limit is longer but the end is going to be the same. So what’s the point?”
He doesn’t respond. He just stares at me and I almost feel bitter about it. Running my hands through my hair, I tuck the dark strands behind my ears. My face feels heated compared to the cool breeze. Reluctantly, I glance back at Tobias, only to see him staring at me with what looks to be a mixture of disgust and anger.
“You’re pathetic.” He sneers, “But I was foolish to think any human wouldn’t be. Consider the deal broken.”
He’s gone in an instant, moving too fast for the human eye to catch. I feel his absence almost immediately, but why it affects me so much is beyond me. I reach up to wipe away another warm tear from my cold cheek and let out a heavy sigh. This is what I wanted, what I told myself I needed, but I don’t require a vampire to end my life. It’s my prerogative to do what I want with it, and it’s in my hands to control, even if it’s me who wants to end it.
Chapter Eleven
Sanguine
There’s a time in everyone’s life when the world changes. The world loses its magic. Colors aren’t as vibrant, and nothing is like it was before. It’s disillusioning in its bleakness and for me, it fundamentally changed who I was. Not to say I was some happy go-getter girl from the suburbs anyway, but I wasn’t always this pitiful.
My moment happened when I was fourteen. Charlotte was seven and she wasn’t feeling well. She never felt well anymore. She would get headaches, stomach aches, and she wouldn’t eat anymore. She would bruise so easily just from a light fall and always felt really tired. Nothing my parents did, or the doctor’s suggested worked, and so they decided to get a second opinion. That was when we got the news about Charlotte.
She was dying.
It was leukemia and she didn’t have long. My parents did everything they could, treatment after treatment, just trying to buy more and more time for her. It gave her more than six months they said she originally had. Our parents prolonged her life till two years.
Watching someone you love slowly slip away, day after day, is never easy. It felt like I was dying too. Everything in me seemed to crumble and blow away like ash when Charlotte died. She was my baby sister, she was supposed to live and be happy. She wasn’t supposed to be rotting away in some hospital. The whole situation made me angry.
I was angry at my parents for making her suffer like that. I was angry at the doctors for not doing more. I was mad at myself for being so angry, but mostly I was mad at God. How could God allow her to die? How could she be here one minute and gone the next? It didn’t make any goddamn sense! She was supposed to grow up to be a ballerina. She was supposed to live!
It was then that I realized that none of it mattered. My baby sister was gone and I was still here, the defective one. I wanted to make things right. I wanted to make it as it was supposed to be, where she was alive and I wasn’t, but that was impossible. So instead, I decided that I wanted to join her. Charlotte and I, despite our seven year age difference, were incredibly close. Her death killed me in the most essential ways and living didn’t hold any appeal anymore.
My parents were out of the house that day. It had been three months since Charlotte’s passing and I was sick of hanging on for them. They couldn’t even look or talk to me anymore. It felt like they wanted it to be me who died, and I couldn’t have agreed more. I wanted that too, and if I could have been sure it would bring Charlotte back, I would have done it in a second. Instead, I decided to die for my own selfish reasons. I didn’t want to be in a world without her in it.
So I made preparations. I wrote a note, simple but effective and cleaned my room. Later, I went into the garage and grabbed one of Charlotte’s jump ropes. Finally I climbed up on the dining room table. It was a long, brown oval table with a bronze chandelier hanging over top with little cherubs on it. I sat there on the table, for probably an hour, just thinking.
Eventually, I didn’t want to think anymore and started wrapping the rope around the chandelier. After that was done, I got down and pushed the table back a little so the edge of it was level with my feet. I wrapped the noose around my neck and finally, I jumped.
Of course I didn’t count on the chandelier buckling under my weight and breaking off the ceiling, causing me to crash to the floor. I also didn’t count on my parents coming home right as I was pulling the noose off my neck, while my body fought for air. It didn’t take them long to put two and two together. After rushing me to the hospital, they sent me to another one. This one had a closed ward and gave out pills like it was candy.
It was there I got my fear of touch. St. Sebastian’s Mental Hospital apparently didn’t do very thorough background checks on their staff, and some of us paid the price for that. Lawrence and that member of the staff would have had a lot to discuss, I can tell you that much.
* * *
I sigh heavily as my apartment building came into view, and I push away the memories. Sometimes, dwelling on the past can make the present worse than it already is.
Once inside my apartment, I feel Florence rubbing her body against my tight covered thigh in greeting. Unbuttoning my jacket, I throw it on my desk and flick on the nearby light. The room lights up and I look it over apathetically. It feels so empty and cold compared to the overcrowded warmth of the club. I find that in this moment, I don’t prefer one over the other.
Reaching for the zipper under my left armpit, I drag it down while walking towards the bathroom. I work my arms out of the sleeves and let the dress fall off, before grabbing a shirt off the ground. It’s just a plain, white t-shirt that falls at the top of my thighs in length. Reaching up under the shirt, I unsnap my bra and throw it on the ground as well.
I step into my bathroom and flick the light switch on. The long fluorescent bar above my mirror flickers and hums, while giving the room a slight blue glow. I look at myself in the mirror and stare into my own eyes. It doesn’t take long for the tears to fall as Tobias’s words echo in my mind over and over again.
You’re pathetic.
Yes, I am. I know I am, and now he knows it too. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply as my tears slowly start to subside. Crouching down, I pull open one of the doors on the small cupboard below and reach inside. In my hand is a small plastic box, nothing much that’s really fascinating about it, inside is where I hide my razor blades.
With little room, I sit in my tub and cross my legs in front of me. Popping open the lid of the box, I pull out one of my newer and sharper razorblades. It catches the light a little on its more reflective edge, and I stare at it for a second. Placing the box on the edge of the tub, I place the blade against the inner part of my left wrist. Closing my eyes and biting my lip, I slowly slide it across, hissing at the slight pain.
Once I have that one done, I move to the other one. I take the blade in my left hand but it’s shaking so bad I doubt I can hold steady. I feel warm drops of blood landing on my bare leg, and I already feel a little lightheaded. I’m able to steady the blade on my other wrist and slowly pull it across that one too. It hurts but not as much as the left one did. With that done, I drop the razor and sit back in the tub as I watch myself bleed out.
Closing my eyes, I can only hope that this time, the eighth time is the charm.
* * *
My body is being lifted. I let out a moan of discontent but find that I can’t open my eyes. Good. Maybe if I ignore the motion
it’ll stop and I can go back to sleep. I just want to sleep. I’m roughly thrown down on something and I let out another moan. Why am I moving so much? I don’t want to move. I just want to sleep.
“You just couldn’t hold on, could you?” An irritated voice asks.
I frown at the voice but don’t respond.
I feel something pulling at my chin but I turn my head away. It’s pulled again and this time, I’m too weak to fight it. My mouth pops open and that’s when something warm and thick starts sliding down my throat. It’s sweet, almost syrupy and tickles my taste buds. I feel something cold and hard against my lips, as more of it fills my mouth.
“Drink,” A voice demands, “Come on.”
Something is pressed harder against my lips and I latch my mouth around it, pulling as much of the delicious liquid as I can. My hand wraps around something that feels like an arm. With every pull of the liquid I feel stronger, more alert, and oddly enough… alive. I open my eyes and see that it is indeed an arm I’m latched onto, a wrist to be specific. Everything beyond that though is blurry and unidentifiable.
“Stop.”
I close my eyes and disobey that command. I’ve never felt this… in control and powerful. I continue to drink as much of it as I can but too soon it’s taken from me. I collapse back onto the mattress below me with a moan. I don’t feel well. My stomach is churning and my body is shaking uncontrollably.
“Good girl,” The voice pants distantly, “Now sleep.”
And like I’m under some kind of spell, I do just that.
* * *
I come to consciousness with the feeling of Florence’s sand paper tongue against my chin. Slowly, I pry my eyes open but it takes a lot of effort. My body feels like it’s being weighted down and completely relaxed. It’s not a sensation I’m used to and to be honest it makes me a little panicked.
“Calm down.” A cool voice orders, “You’ve just been asleep for a long time.”
I know that voice, but it’s not one I want to hear. I struggle to get up and manage to sit up enough that I can lean back on my elbows. My body just feels so heavy and sore that it takes a lot of effort on my part to stay upright. Still, it seems like the thing to do. Why is he even here?
I feel tears fill my eyes as realization kicks in. I’ve failed again. I was so close this time, I know I was but I didn’t make it to the finish line. I inhale haltingly as self-loathing invades my mind and body. How many more times can I fail before there isn’t anything left to kill? Closing my eyes and slowly letting my body fall back on my mattress, tears flow freely down the sides of my face and damp my already greasy, stringy hair.
“I broke the deal,” I hiss, as I struggle to sit up again, “You had no right to come here.”
I glance over to the side and see Tobias sitting at the end of my bed, his back against the wall and his legs spread out in front of him. He’s dressed in a black t-shirt and dark jeans. Does he ever wear any other color? His black hair is tousled on top of his head in a way that’s purposely made to look effortless. I hate it. I hate him. I want him gone.
Tobias chuckles but it’s without humor, “Oh no, wallflower it’s not. I’m the one who made the offer and I’m the one who says when it’s over. You broke a condition you agreed to and now, all bets are off. There are to be no more conditions or amendments. All there is, is the fact that you belong to me.”
My stomach clenches, “Stop saying that.”
“You see, at first it was just to mess with you that I even came up with the deal,” He continues, as though I haven’t spoken at all, “I wanted to push you to see if you were actually that desperate to die. Apparently, you were, because you agreed pretty quickly but now the deal has changed.”
“Nothing’s changed.” I snap hoarsely. I’m really thirsty.
“Everything has changed.”
“So that’s all this is to you?” I ask sharply, “A game?”
“In the beginning, yes.”
“What about now?”
“Now, it’s something different. You’ve tasted my blood, Shoshanna. I used it to heal you and now you belong to me in a more dutiful sense. We have a bond, one that was forged because you couldn’t keep it together.”
My eyes widen as he speaks. His blood? A bond? None of this makes any kind of damn sense. Why does he want me alive so badly? Obviously he has some ulterior motive. I look him over dubiously, but I can’t figure out what it is he could possibly want with me. I don’t have much to offer or anything that I would want to give him.
“What does that mean?” I eventually ask with much hesitation. Do I really want to know?
“It means that all bets are off. Your blood, your body, and your mind all belongs to me. So if you harm what belongs to me again, I will punish you.”
“P-Punish?” I echo faintly.
“Yes,” He says simply, his eyes narrowing in warning.
“Shouldn’t I at least be consulted before you start laying claim on things that don’t belong to you?” I snap, collecting some of my earlier ire.
“Maybe,” He says in a leading tone, “But then again, I think you’ve proved yourself rather irresponsible with your person lately so, maybe not.”
“You…“
“Please, don’t argue with me right now.” He snaps, irritated, “I’ve had it trying for a few days without you arguing with me. You’ve royally pissed me off with this little stunt of yours. I’m letting it go this time with a warning, but if you do it again, the kid gloves come off. Understood?”
I swallow my own irritation and nod. I’m not going to let this go. I am going to come up with a better argument when I bring it up again. I may be suicidal and arguably crazy, but I’m not just something he can own, vampire or not.
“Now that it’s all settled, how about we go out?”
I arch a brow, “Go out?”
“Yes of course, you may want to change and wash your face.”
Frowning, I reach up and feel something sticky on my chin. Rubbing it off, I pull back my hand to see flakes of blood coating my fingers. My stomach rolls at the sight. I can’t believe I drank his blood. I try to remember what I can about drinking it, and feel my tongue tingle. I recall I liked it. It tasted sweet, which is as unsettling as it is weird.
“Not as weird as you still sitting here when I specifically just told you to go wash your face.”
I snap my gaze up to meet Tobias’s impassive crimson eyes, “Can…“
“Read your mind? Yes, I can. I told you before, your body, blood, and mind belongs to me. It’s usually harder to do when a bond is as weak as ours, but you’re a strong projector.”
I stare at him blankly.
Tobias rolls his eyes, “You think loudly. I can hear everything going through your mind. It’s irritating but useful, since you seem to like keeping things to yourself. Not a habit I covet, Shoshanna, I can tell you that much.”
“G-Good to know.” I stutter. I think I’m in shock.
“Now go.” He orders. End of discussion.
Shuffling off the bed, I get to my feet and feel off balance. My legs feel heavy. Actually, all of me feels heavy. I almost fall over but Tobias is suddenly in front of me, catching me around the waist. My limbs all start to tingle, like all the blood is rushing into them. Seriously, how long was I asleep?
“Three days,” Tobias answers blandly.
I’m momentarily stunned that he knows what I was thinking before my senses come back to me. Three days? I was asleep for three days! Wait, was he here the entire time with me? The idea is both highly unsettling and moderately thrilling. Very moderately. Barely worth notice, honestly. I notice his smirk out of the corner of my eye, and quickly brush away the thought. Apparently I’m going to have to keep my mental armor up around this guy.
“You can try Shoshanna, but I don’t think it’ll do you any good.” He says with a self-satisfied smirk.
Glaring at him, I use my still tingling arms to shove him away from me. I teeter a bit on my
feet, but I refuse to grab on to him again. I’m a grown woman, I can walk on my own. Standing up as straight as I can manage, I start shuffling towards the bathroom. I can practically feel his amusement, as I do my best Frankenstein monster walk. I don’t really acknowledge it.
“Shoshanna?” He calls, mirth clearly audible in his voice.
I grit my teeth but answer him, “What?”
“Don’t forget to put on pants.”
My eyes go wide and I look down at my pale bare legs beneath me. Shit, how could I have forgotten? Sighing heavily, I don’t respond. Instead, I straight into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me in the process. I look at my reflection in the mirror and feel like I’m staring at a stranger. Other than the nightmarish sight of blood staining my face, I look so bright and healthy. My hair is lacking its normally flat, dead look and my eyes carry an almost gold color in their usually dull depths.
Turning on the faucet, I try to disregard the obvious changes to my appearance and do as ordered. Washing my face, I also brush my teeth, trying to clean off any evidence that I drank Tobias’s blood. Every time I think about it, a shudder goes through my body. Call me closed minded, but drinking other people’s blood is not something I would strive for. I think they even make after school specials about bizarre shit like that.
Cracking open the door a little, I see Tobias standing by the front door while talking on a cell phone. His back is facing me and his voice is low. But oddly enough, I can make out what he’s saying. It’s in a different language, one that I don’t understand, but I can hear his voice perfectly. It’s almost like he’s right next to me instead of on the other side of the apartment.
I try to focus on the problem at hand and look around the area by the bathroom door. It’s littered with clothes, since that’s usually where I strip before my showers. Spotting a pair of clean looking light washed jeans and a long sleeved white thermal, I snatch those off the floor. I also grab a sports bra and a black tank top as well to slip on underneath the shirt. Slinking back into the bathroom, I peek up at Tobias and see him still talking on the phone. He appears to not notice my sneaking about, and I let out a sigh of relief. That’s the last thing I need.
