by Todd, Ian
“Whit happened next, Skull?” Johnboy whispered gently.
That seemed tae bring him back fae wherever he’d gone. His eyes focussed back oan Johnboy’s, before continuing.
“Ah fell asleep. Ah don’t know how long Ah’d been oot fur. The candles wur still lit and Radio Caroline wis still gieing it laldy when Ah woke up. Ah’d heard a dug barking, away in the distance. That’s whit hid wakened me. It wis Elvis. He wis gaun bloody batchy, scratching fuck oot ae the door, trying tae get oot. Ah could hear the birds flapping against the doors ae their nesting boxes, trying tae escape as well. The room wis full ae smoke…aye, billowing smoke…the type ae smoke ye see belching oot ae the tap ae they big chimney stacks across at Pinkston Power Station. It wis coming up fae the four corners ae the flair. Ah jumped up and nipped across tae the nesting boxes and managed tae wrench the doors open. Ah then swivelled roond, stuffing the doos up ma jersey and ran across tae Elvis, who wis gaun mental by then and hid awready ripped the beaded curtain aff the curtain wire that wis covering the door. He might’ve been a dug, bit Elvis knew fine well tae get oot ae ma way. Ah wis jist unbolting the door when the whole flair suddenly gied way and caved in. Wan minute we wur at the door and the next, me, the dug and the doos hid disappeared doon intae the cavie, alang wae the cot Ah’d been kipping oan a few seconds earlier. Ah wis still okay when we landed because Ah wis still oan tap ae the flair, although there wis a big explosion ae fire and sparks aw roond aboot us, coming up the sides ae it fae the fire underneath. Ah could feel the heat under ma feet as the lino started tae sizzle and the walls started tae go oan fire. Because the flair hid come doon in the wan go, Ah could see the door and the row ae nesting boxes still pinned tae the walls aboot twelve feet above us, bit Ah couldnae dae a thing aboot it because there wis nothing fur me tae get a grip ae tae haul masel up. Elvis wis in some state by this time, howling the place doon. He knew fine well we wur in Shite Street…long before Ah did. Ah started tae panic and scream and that’s when Ah heard the basturts.”
Johnboy fought the urge tae jump up and scream ‘Who? Who did ye hear, Skull?’ bit he held his sooth. Skull hid stoapped talking. It wis hard fur Johnboy tae tell whether Skull’s face hid turned white at the memory as he’d always looked a wee bit peely-wally aroond they gills ae his. He’d drifted aff again. Johnboy closed his eyes and pleaded wae God no tae let him waken up jist yet. When he opened them, he wis relieved tae see that Skull wis still sitting there, motionless. Johnboy sat still, trying tae control his breathing…trying tae make it sound even. He looked at his wee pal, who he hidnae seen since the last night ae the school holidays in nineteen sixty five, waiting and praying that whoever it wis that Skull hid heard hid managed tae rescue him and that that wis why he wis noo sitting there wae Johnboy, in the cells doon in Central. Bit where the hell hid Skull been fur the past three years? Skull looked o’er at Johnboy, hesitating, before continuing.
“Ah bloody-well telt ye wan ae them wis in there. That’s why the fucking ladder’s up and music’s coming oot ae the place. Whit ur we gonnae dae noo? Ah never knew they wee shitehooses hid a dug,” the first voice hid whined.
“Furget it, man! There’s nae way we’ll be able tae dae anything noo. Look at the fucking flames? Let’s go, the bizzies will be here anytime soon,” the second voice hid snarled.
“Ah jist watched the pair ae them…wan limping and the other wan two feet nothing in height…slinking away…like the cowardly basturts they wur,” Skull whispered quietly, sounding as if he still couldnae believe it.
“Horsey John and that wee Tiny wan?” Johnboy gasped, looking o’er at Skull, totally stunned and confused.
“Ah could see them through wan ae the wee windaes in the cavie before the place jist exploded,” Skull continued, ignoring Johnboy’s interruption. “Ah’ve felt really bad ever since. Elvis stoapped barking and whining and jist stood there in the middle ae the flair, panting, wae that tongue ae his hinging oot, looking at me wae they big saft eyes ae his, as the flames and the smoke goat worse. Ah could hear that Bob Dylan’s voice screaming at me fae the radio, asking me how Ah felt. It wis then that Ah knew fine well that Ah couldnae dae anything tae help Elvis or the doos. Ah kin remember looking away fae they eyes ae his, feeling really guilty. Ah cannae remember any mair ae whit happened efter that.”
Silence.
“Aye, it wis the same tough basturts that wur well-known fur weighting doon kittens in GPO sacks and drooning them up in the canal…the pricks. When ye think aboot it, why wid they feel any different aboot somewan like me?” Skull asked bitterly, wiping away a tear that hid trickled doon wan ae his cheeks wae the sleeve ae his da’s auld fitba jersey.
“Bit, Skull…it wis…it wisnae Horsey John and Tiny. It wis they bizzy basturts, Crisscross and that big sergeant wan who done it. The Big Man telt us…” Johnboy hauf screamed, trying tae put Skull right, while fighting tae control the shock that hid taken o’er him.
“Naw, it wisnae!” Skull spat back at him.
“Horsey John and Tiny?” Johnboy gasped again, bewildered, furiously rubbing the finger tips ae baith hauns alang the hairline oan either side ae his foreheid, before starting oan they eyes ae his.
“Aye…Baby Basturt and Daddy Basturt.”
“Bit they heard ye? Ye’ve jist said so yersel,” Johnboy exclaimed, still no taking in whit he’d jist heard.
“So whit, Johnboy?” Skull shouted at Johnboy, getting really angry fur the first time since he’d appeared. “They basturts widnae gie a fanny’s fuck aboot a manky wee toe-rag like me…you knew them as well as Ah did. Aw they basturts wanted tae dae wis tae get the fuck oot ae there before the polis arrived.”
“Bit, Skull, they knew it wis you! They could’ve done something aboot it,” Johnboy pleaded, failing tae keep the horror oot ae his voice.
“No fae where me, Elvis and the doos wur staunin, they couldnae. Aw Ah saw wur they arses ae theirs, hot-footing it o’er the wee fence in front ae the billboards oan tae Parly Road.”
“Ah jist cannae take this in,” Johnboy muttered tae himsel, shaking his heid. “Skull, ur ye sure? Who else knows? Dis Tony or Joe know aboot any ae this?”
“You’re the first wan Ah’ve been able tae tell. That’s why Ah wis annoyed at ye earlier. Ah’ve been hinging aboot fur wan ae youse tae come back and get me. Ur ye sure ye hivnae come across ma Celtic tammy?”
“Fur fuck’s sake, Skull…furget yer fucking tammy. Hinging aboot where? Where wur ye hinging aboot?”
“That’s the point. Ah don’t know…bit at least Ah’m here noo,” Skull said cheerfully, brightening up.
“Ur ye?”
“Well, Ah’ve jist gubbed ye at keepy-up, hiven’t Ah, ya fud, ye?” Skull said, smiling as he wiped another tear away that hid ran doon his cheek.
Chapter Three
“Right, Taylor, get yer laughing gear intae this,” Creepy growled, swiftly bending doon and sliding a big plastic mug ae tea and two thick slices ae breid wae a hunk ae red cheese in the middle ae them across the flair wae his left tackity boot, before slamming the door shut and disappearing.
“Wait, there’s two ae us,” Johnboy shouted, jumping up and running across tae the studded metal door.
“Fuck-pig!” Skull shouted efter him. “Mind you, Ah don’t know whit you’re gonnae be eating,” Skull said, laughing, as he picked up wan ae the pieces.
“Don’t start, Skull. They’re fur me. He knows fine well that ye’re no here. Ah might share them wae ye though.”
“At least he knows we prefer the heels ae the loaf insteid ae they wee thin slices they used tae palm us aff wae at school, when that watery soup wis oan the go.”
“So, ye kin eat then?” Johnboy asked, as Skull bit intae his piece, leaving a hauf-circle gap where his teeth hid jist been.
“No bad, apart fae the lack ae HP broon sauce,” Skull replied, nodding that heid ae his, as he admired the damage he’d inflicted oan his piece.
“Ah’m still no sure aboot aw this.”
“Aw you.”
“Why? Whit’s wrang?”
“There might be some heid-shrinker oot there in that corridor, lugging in and listening tae me speaking tae that tiled wall in front ae me.”
“Ye mean like that Creeping Jesus prick,” Skull said, scowling across at the cell door.
“Ah’m serious. Why did they only gie us wan mug and...”
“And wan piece each?”
“...the usual two pieces ae breid fur the wan prisoner, eh?”
“How dae ye know that they wurnae fur me and it’s yersel that shouldnae be here, eh? Answer me that wan, Dr Who.”
Johnboy sat doon and crossed his legs and ate in silence. They shared the mug ae tea, eyeing each other up. Johnboy hid tae smile when Skull lifted the side ae his arse and let oot a thundering fart that ricocheted aff the tiles ae the cell.
“So…is there a heaven then?” Johnboy finally asked him, wance they stoapped laughing at Skull’s disgusting habits and settled doon tae some mair serious natter.
“Why the fuck ur ye asking me? Go and ask a priest.”
“Naw, seriously, is there?”
“Johnboy, ye know as much as Ah dae…which is sweet FA, by the way.”
“So…whit is there then?”
“Okay, bit promise me ye won’t laugh,” Skull whispered, efter taking his time tae answer, his face suddenly gaun aw serious.
“Ah’m listening,” Johnboy breathed, his haun stalling in mid-air, his cheese piece two inches fae his gub.
“There’s this big guy wae long white hair and an amazing glow roond his heid.”
“Naw…really?”
“Aye, he’s called Santa fucking Claus, ya daft tit, ye. Ah telt ye, Ah don’t bloody know,” Skull shouted, laughing.
“Ye hivnae changed a bit so ye hivnae. Ye’re still an irritating wee baldy knob-end, so ye ur.”
“Aye, bit you hiv.”
“Whit?”
“Changed.”
“How dae ye mean?”
“Well, ye’re a lot taller noo.”
“Am Ah?”
“Oh, aye.”
“And?”
“And that’s it.”
“Whit dae ye mean, that’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“Okay then, tell me this wan, Casper. Kin ye walk through walls?”
“Kin ye sing aw the words ae the first verse and chorus tae ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ while wiping yer arse at the same time, withoot hivving tae stoap and start again?”
“Ah’ve never tried.”
“And Ah hivnae either,” Skull said, thumping the tiled wall wae the heel ae his haun, as the baith ae them listened tae the sound ae the dull echoing thud escape under the cell door.
“Aye, by the sounds ae it, it widnae be wise tae take a run at it, eh?” Johnboy said, smiling and nodding at the wall as he took another bite oot ae his piece.
“So, tell me whit’s happened then?”
“Tae whit?”
“Tae you.”
“Ye’re starting tae sound like some auld owl, sitting there,” Johnboy said, no being able tae contain himsel as they baith burst oot cackling again.
“Naw, ye know whit Ah mean. Tell me whit’s happened tae yersel, Tony, Joe and Paul?”
“Everywan’s in the jail. They’re aw oot in Thistle Park apart fae Paul who’s in St Ninians.”
“Naw, Ah don’t mean jist noo. Tell me whit happened efter that pair ae wankers, Horsey John and Tiny burnt doon the cabin wae me, oor doos and poor auld Elvis in it.”
“Aye, well, it became really complicated, so it did.”
“Whit dis complicated mean?”
“Difficult tae fathom oot whit the fuck wis gaun oan maist ae the time. We never knew who wis daeing whit tae who and fur whit reason, other than whit we managed tae pick up while we wur oot and aboot oan oor travels. The Big Man wis using everywan and his dug tae get wan o’er oan the bizzies fur putting him oot ae the doo business and the bizzies wur retaliating by silencing anywan they thought he wis using tae get tae them.”
“So, where wur The Mankys in aw this?”
“Good question. We always wondered when the attention wid turn back tae us, so we did. Ah never really knew whit wis gaun oan at the time. When Ah arrived back at school that first morning efter the summer holidays and ye wurnae there, Ah jist assumed that ye’d either slept in or ye wurnae coming back. Ah remember clocking yer sister, Betty, at play-time in the morning, bit by the time Ah goat o’er tae speak tae her, the bell hid rang and she’d disappeared in through the lassies’ door. When Ah went tae find her doon at the dining hut later oan, wan ae the lassies in her class telt me that she’d goat called oot and hid been taken hame.”
“Aye, she wid’ve been sick at no being able tae scoff aw they lefto’er puddings that wid’ve been gaun-a-begging wance aw the paid pink-ticketed wans hid hid enough. Ah remember she telt me that that wis the only reason she goat oot ae her flea-pit in the morning tae go tae school. Prunes and semolina wis her favourite. She always moaned like some auld decrepit nun when she saw that it wisnae oan the blackboard.”
“Skull, Ah’ve...we’ve been in here a while noo. Ah’m no sure that they’ll take ye alang wae me when they come tae get me.”
“Dae ye no think so?” he asked, surprise in his voice.
“So, if Ah’m gonnae tell ye whit happened efter the fire, then ye’ll hiv tae sit there and listen and no keep butting in every two seconds or Ah’ll never get finished and there’s mair things that Ah need tae ask ye.”
“Like whit?”
“Like, er, kin ye see through lassies’ clothes and see them in the bare buff?”
“Ye mean, like how Ah know ye’ve goat nice clean white underpants oan?”
“Fucking hell, so ye kin!”
“Naw, Ah noticed them fae the back when ye bent o’er tae pick up the tea and cheese pieces that Creeping Jesus brought me.”
“See, that’s whit Ah mean, Skull, ya baldy wee basturt, ye! Dae ye want tae know whit happened or no?”
“Aye, did Ah no jist tell ye that Ah did?”
“Naw, whit Ah mean is…ur ye gonnae shut the fuck up and let me tell ye or dae Ah hiv tae stoap and start aw the time like that arse ae yours?”
“Well, hurry up, ya tadger, ye. Kin ye no see that Ah’m aw ears!”
“Seriously?”
“Johnboy Ah need tae know whit’s gaun oan and why Ah’m still here,” he murmured, looking aboot the cell wae a pained expression oan that face ae his. “Jist mind and make sure ye leave nothing oot…and Ah mean nothing.”
“Well, jist remember, it wis nearly three years ago and Ah wis only ten at the time, so Ah might no remember everything.”
“And before ye start, whit wis that funny song called again?” Skull beamed.
“Whit? Plastic Jesus?”
“Aye, that’s the wan…Plastic Jesus. How dis it go again?”
“Well, the Devil he is big and scary, as long Ah’ve goat ma Virgin Mary, hinging oan the dashboard of ma car…” Johnboy sang, as a big grin appeared across the son ae Mr Magoo’s coupon.
Chapter Four
Glesga Central Polis Headquarters August 1965.
“Hello, Central…er, Ah mean, Central Polis Headquarters. How kin Ah help ye?”
Silence.
“Hello? Is there anywan there? Ye’re through tae Central Polis Headquarters.”
Silence.
“Look, Ah know ye’re there…Ah kin hear yer breathing…so, how kin Ah help ye?”
“Oh, aye, er, right. Kin Ah speak tae…er, Inspector Toner, hen?” a nervous voice asked.
“Kin Ah ask who’s calling?”
Silence.
“Hello?”
“Er, jist tell him that it’s…it’s, er, Bingo. He’ll know who Ah am.”
“Bingo? Did ye jist say Bingo? No wee Bingo Davidson, who left St David’s in nineteen fifty wan tae go up tae The Big Rock?”
&nb
sp; “Whit the fuck?”
“Aye…ye wur jist above me, in the same class as ma sister, Mary…Mary Muldoon. Everywan called her The Cleavage oan account ae her big…”
“Look, hen, Ah…Ah don’t know who ye think ye’re talking tae, bit, Ah, er… never went tae, er, St David’s…or The Big Rock, fur that matter.”
“Really? Well, ye sound exactly like him. Mind you, that wis a fair few years ago noo. God, and here’s me thinking Ah’d recognise a voice anywhere…wance heard. It jist goes tae show ye how wrang a person kin be, eh?”
“Look, Ah’ll need tae go. Kin ye jist tell Inspector Toner that Ah’ll maybe catch him later…”
“Naw, naw, wait…don’t go, son. Ah’m only trying tae carry oot the new instructions tae aw us telephone operators, tae be a bit friendlier tae members ae the public when they phone in tae Central. Seemingly, there’s been a few wee complaints recently aboot the attitude and responses fae some ae the lassies doon here, wid ye believe?” the switchboard operator said, drapping her voice doon tae a conspiratorial whisper. “Mind you, Ah’ve goat a fair idea who they’re talking aboot, bit it’s no ma place tae say anything…if ye know whit Ah mean?”
“Look, Ah’m in a hurry, hen. Jist tell him, Ah’ll maybe phone back later.”
“Ah’m jist connecting ye noo, son…er, Mr Bingo,” the operator chirped pleasantly.
He heard the clicking noise ae his call being transferred, jist as he pressed another bob intae the coin slot wae that well chewed thumbnail ae his.
“Bingo, ma wee friend…how ur ye daeing, son?” Inspector Ralph Toner, heid ae the Criminal Intelligence Section, asked.
“Who the fuck wis that loud-moothed hairy who put me through, Ralph? Christ awmighty, she jist telt me that she recognised ma voice,” Bingo squealed, fear evident in his voice.
“Who, Sweaty Muldoon? Ach, Ah widnae worry aboot her. She’s jist trying tae be polite. There’s been a heap ae complaints aboot her recently…”
