by Todd, Ian
“Dae ye want a wee bit ae time oan yer ain, Helen? Ah could always go oot and come back in ten or fifteen minutes.”
“Naw, Ah’m fine,” she’d lied, shattered.
“Ur ye sure?”
“Aye, Ah’m okay noo,” she’d croaked in a trembling voice, reaching o’er and lighting up another fag, feeling desolate.
She’d been surprised tae see that her hauns hid stoapped shaking. He’d jist sat there wae they watery eyes ae his, watching her puff away at her fag.
“Did ye know that a hunner and fifty wummin in the untried hall, in here, hiv tae plead wae the wardresses…the screws…fur a skimpy wee paper-thin sanitary towel, while there’s a tuck shoap cell, staunin wae three big shelves stacked tae the gunnels wae packets ae Dr Whites, that nowan kin afford tae buy because they hivnae two pennies tae rub thegither?” she’d snarled at him bitterly.
Efter whit seemed like ages, he’d spoken again.
“So, where ur ye at jist noo then, Helen?”
“How dae ye mean?”
“As Ah understaun it, ye’re back up tae court oan Friday. Whit’s yer plans?”
“As Ah understaun it, Ah think Ah’m in dire need ae a lawyer,” she’d replied, her voice a bit mair under control.
“Whit makes ye say that?”
She’d telt him aboot whit hid happened when she’d telt Howdy and Barker, the court jesters, tae piss aff when she wis last up in court, because she knew as soon as she’d clapped eyes oan them, that they wur a pair ae useless chancers. She’d telt him that she wisnae too sure if that hid been a mistake, given whit The Rat hid telt her aboot whit she wis up against.
“Ah don’t know them personally, bit Ah’ve heard aboot them. The law is like any other business. Some people ur happy tae break even, while others…well, let’s jist say, ur oot tae screw anything that isnae screwed doon, if ye know whit Ah mean?” he’d said.
“So, dae ye think Ah’m in need ae a lawyer then?”
“Fae whit Ah’ve witnessed so far, Ah’m no sure anywan could dae a better job than whit ye kin dae yersel.”
“Ye’re supposed tae be a lawyer. Why wid ye say that?”
“When ye speak, ye speak wae passion and belief. Ah’ve nae reason tae disbelieve anything ye’ve said tae me. How could anywan, any solicitor, compete wae that?”
“Ah don’t hiv the big words tae go wae it.”
Silence.
“Whit Ah mean is, Ah get angry and end up losing ma rag and it aw goes tae pot,” she’d confessed miserably.
“Maybe ye jist need tae take a big deep breath before ye let rip wae that tongue ae yers. The trick is tae let people speak, let them dig a hole fur themsels. Kid oan that ye’re listening, even if ye’re no, although it’s important tae hear whit yer opponent is saying, as well as looking fur clues in their body language.”
Helen didnae know why she’d said whit she did, given her first impressions ae him, bit she’d decided tae bite the bullet.
“Will ye represent me?”
“Ah suspect Ah’d be mair ae a liability than a help tae ye, hen.”
Silence.
“Even efter everything Ah’ve jist said and telt ye aboot ma situation?”
“And efter everything Ah’ve jist said and telt ye aboot ma situation?” he’d replied, wae a faint smile.
Silence.
“Ye cannae dae this tae me. Ah won’t bloody beg,” she’d retorted. “Ah realise Ah need some help here and fae where Ah’m sitting, ye’re aw Ah’ve goat.”
“It’s a bit mair complicated than whit ye think.”
“Try me.”
“If ye wur up at the High Court, nae problem. If ye wur even up at the Sheriff Court, nae problem, bit the District Court? That’s another ball game aw thegither.”
“So, it’s no important enough fur ye then. Is that whit ye’re saying tae me?”
“Naw, Helen, whit Ah’m saying tae ye is this. If it wis the High Court or the Sheriff Court, Ah’d probably be able tae help ye and even maybe run rings roond the prosecution, if Ah wis lucky. In fact, it probably widnae even go forward beyond the pleading diet. In these two courts, there’s protocol and legal argument. Wan side puts forward its case while the other side listens and that’s how it goes, back and forth. Then, some other legal person, in this case, a qualified judge or sheriff, who’s sitting there, taking score oan the points made, assists a jury tae make the right decision, based oan testimony and evidence. Ah’m surprised ye didnae end up in the Sheriff Court, seeing as ye’re charged wae assaulting a polis sergeant tae his severe injury. It’s quite unusual fur the District Court tae be dealing wae a case like this.”
“Ah still don’t get where ye’re coming fae. Maybe it’s aw they big words Ah’m hearing.”
“Whit Ah’m saying is, the District Court is a bear-pit where anything goes. Ah probably widnae last mair than two minutes. The only legal thing aboot it, is that it’s there. Ye hiv a wee man, wae nae legal training or qualifications, who is usually wan ae yer local cooncillors, who also happens tae be a Justice ae the Peace, who runs it like a medieval fiefdom.”
“See, there ye go again wae they big fancy words.”
“Helen, whit Ah’m trying tae tell ye is, there isnae a solid base fur legal argument tae debate and influence the ootcome. The prosecuting fiscal is basically there tae advise the bench, who never, or at least, very rarely, takes a decision withoot the approval ae the prosecutor beforehaun. Ah cannae remember when Ah last heard ae a Justice ae the Peace gaun against a fiscal, certainly no in Glesga anyway. There ur exceptions. Ah mean, ye’ve goat JP Donnelly, who’ll go against a fiscal, bit only when he thinks the fiscal is being too lenient, which is a rare occurrence in itsel. Fiscals ur dependent oan a healthy score sheet tae enable them tae climb oot ae the morass that is the District Court system.”
“Well, that young wan who wis advising JP didnae need much haudin back. She wis such a cow, so she wis, and her a wummin as well.”
“Aye, bit where will she be in five years’ time? She’ll probably end up becoming a probation officer or prison governor because she took the easy path in her career as a solicitor. Efter a while, maist ae they young prosecutors jist end up processing the flotsam ae society. There’s nae challenge because they’ve awready goat it aw sewn up. Oan the other haun, the District Courts ur where aw the major solicitor firms put their young lawyers tae sort oot the men fae the boys. If a young wan is still staunin efter two years and they’re any good, then there’s a fair chance that they kin go oan tae hiv a successful career further doon the line in the Sheriff Court or higher. The District Court is where they hone their skills. Ye’ve seen how the likes ae JP Donnelly operates. Imagine a young solicitor gaun up against him fur the first time?”
“So, why the hell dae we still hiv leeches like Howdy and Barker operating successfully then?”
“They’re at the other end ae the scale. They’ve found their niche and ur milking it fur aw it’s worth.
“So ye’re no a believer in justice then?”
“Ah never said that. The system is rotten because that’s the legal charter that we aw live under. Aw men and wummin ur entitled tae a just and fair trial before their peers. Anywan who knows anything, knows fine well that the current court system is a festering, expensive boil oan the arse ae so-called freedom and democracy and ur happy tae allow it tae drift aimlessly. Kin ye imagine the reaction if it wis reformed or even done away wae?”
“Aye, Ah suppose the people widnae wear it.”
“The people? Who cares whit the people think? It’s the legal fraternity who’d be up in erms. Think ae aw that lost revenue and income. Naw, any law tae change it intae something good or otherwise wid be tied up in legal speak furever in the courts. It widnae be worth the hassle tae even go there. The invisible wans that run the show allow the status quo tae remain because the crumbs that land in the trough feed people like Howdy and Barker, and it’s cheap at hauf the price. Everywan’s a winner…apart fae the wans t
hat it wis set up tae help in the first place, that is. The last time Ah spoke tae ma son, he said that he wanted tae follow in ma footsteps by gaun intae the legal profession when he grew up. Ah soon put him straight oan that wan, so Ah did.”
Silence.
“Ye’re a good man, Harry,” Helen hid finally said. “Maist lawyers wid’ve jumped at the chance tae make a few bob aff ae the likes ae me and the situation Ah’m in.”
“Oh, Ah don’t know aboot that. There ur a few decent wans gaun aboot who care aboot principles, people and justice.”
“Whit Ah’m a gonnae dae?”
“Ah’m no too sure. Between JP and the procurator fiscal, ye’ve a job oan yer hauns. Ah honestly don’t think Ah could help ye oot fur the reasons Ah’ve jist gied ye. Ah kin play dirty like the rest ae them, bit Ah jist don’t hiv anything tae work wae that wid help ye oot. Ah think ye need tae go in there and plead yer case. Stick tae whit ye said tae me. Don’t embellish it and keep calm. Sometimes the truth gets through in the end, despite the odds. Ah’m sorry, Helen, Ah really am.”
The cell door swung open.
“Recreation!” Twitchy Face barked, disappearing alang tae open the next cell.
Helen walked alang the landing, followed by Gina, who still hidnae asked her anything. When Helen plapped her arse doon beside the lassies, who wur aw awready sitting in the middle ae the walking circle, there wis an air ae expectation. Fuck it, Helen thought tae hersel. They’re isnae any use hiding it, and she started tae tell them everything that hid been said between her and Coco The Clown, including Martha Hairy Chop Face and her sniggering.
“Tell us how he wis dressed again and whit yer initial reaction wis, Helen?” Big Pat asked, as aw the lassies, including Helen, fell aboot the grass, roaring and laughing in anticipation ae Helen’s re-run.
Chapter Forty Seven
Thursday
“Whit will ye hiv, Pat?” Colin asked The Big Man, who’d jist sat doon at the table, at the far end ae The Pot Still in Hope street.
“Seeing as it’s yersel that’s paying, Colin, Ah’ll hiv a pint ae heavy and a wee cheeky malt, thank ye very much.”
“Here ye go. Cheers!” The Inspector said, when he returned fae the bar, taking a sip oot ae his pint ae lager and lime as he sat doon.
“Ah don’t know whit ye see in that pish.”
“Ah prefer the taste, especially wae the lime in it. Heavy and lime don’t mix.”
“Aye, Ah suppose.”
“So, then, Pat? How did it ever come tae this, eh?”
“Ask that big lump ae shite, Liam Thompson. He’ll tell ye. Wan minute Ah’m gaun aboot ma lawful business and the next, that big fucking Irish nose ae his is being poked in where it isnae supposed tae be.”
“Aye, Ah know, Ah Know. Ah thought JP hid come and spoken tae ye and goat it aw sorted oot. Whit went wrang?”
“As Ah’ve jist said, Thompson and that other wan, whit’s his name, the big glaikit looking shitehoose…Stewart?”
“Big Jim? Ach, he’s hermless, so he is. He’s a good sergeant…well-meaning, nae trouble, knows the score.”
“Ah noticed ye didnae defend that prick, Liam Thompson. There’s been nothing bit fucking trouble since he turned up again in the Toonheid. They stripes ae his hiv gone tae his heid.”
“Ah think he means well, although he kin be a stroppy fucker at times.”
“Colin, Ah thought we hid an arrangement? JP his never hid cause tae complain…at least, no as far as Ah’m aware. Ah’ve always passed oan that envelope, bang oan time, every month withoot fail, including Christmas bonuses.”
“This carry-oan aboot the Kelly boy. Noo, you and Ah know that Liam and Big Jim, or any ae the other two, Jinty and Crisscross, hid nothing tae dae wae that dookit gaun up in smoke, so how dae we resolve this amicably, withoot us falling oot further, eh?”
“Ah don’t gie a monkey’s shite aboot the cabin, bit there wis terrible suffering involved that cannae jist be forgotten aboot because we’re sitting hivving a pint, Colin.”
“Ah know, it wis terrible aboot the boy.”
“The boy? Ah’m no oan aboot the boy. Ah’m oan aboot ma good fucking doos that wur irreplaceable. Ah’ll never get them back. They’re gone furever. Broke ma heart that.”
“Pat, Pat, Liam Thompson and Big Jim swear that they never hid anything tae dae wae that.”
“Did they noo?”
“Aye, Ah know that Big Jim and Jinty wur ootside the pub aw night skiving, bit they wur only listening tae the group ye hid playing, who wur stoating by all accounts, by the way.”
“Aye, they wur good. Nothing bit the best fur that wee maw and da ae mine.”
“Liam and Crisscross wur parked up in Ronald Street, scoffing their fish suppers. It wis jist a coincidence that they happened tae be there.”
“Colin, they wur seen up the closemooth.”
“Aye, because wan ae yer doo thieves drapped a big jemmy aff the roof and it went straight through the squad car windscreen. It wis a bloody miracle they wurnae killed. Efter that happened, they went up the stairs tae investigate. Fur Christ’s sake, that’s whit the polis ur supposed tae dae.”
“And the doos that wur haunded o’er tae that bampot, Flypast?”
“Crisscross wrecked Flypast’s dookit and killed a few ae his doos earlier in the summer. They’d spotted a couple ae wee boys heiding doon the High Street wae some doos up their jumpers, so Crisscross confiscated them and gied them tae Flypast tae make amends.”
“That wis very charitable ae them. Whit wis the boys’ names?”
Silence.
“Right, whit ur ye hivving, Colin? It’s ma shout,” The Big Man said, staunin up and heiding fur the bar.
“The same again, bit tell him no tae put so much lime in it this time.”
“So, if it wisnae youse, who wis it then?” The Big Man asked, sitting doon and looking aboot the bar fur any known faces.
“Come oan, Pat. It’s obvious that it wis that wee manky mob that done it. That wee Tally wan, the leader, he’s well-known fur tanning lofts and dookits…everywan knows that.”
“Ah goat him tae dae a couple fur me. It wis him that tanned Mad Malky’s across in Possil. Nearly cost him a haun efter Malky’s dug aboot chomped his wrist in hauf. We investigated them, Colin. It wisnae them, believe you me. If it wis, we widnae be sitting here exchanging pleasantries oan a lovely sunny Thursday morning, noo, wid we?”
“Well, it wisnae us.”
“Aye, well, there ye go,” The Big Man said, knocking back his nip and taking a sip ae his beer.
“So, how dae we resolve this then?”
“Ah’m oot ae pocket…well oot ae pocket.”
“How much?”
“Three grand.”
The Inspector let fly wae a spray ae Tennents lager and lime across the table.
“Ah telt ye that wis pish.”
“Pat, fur Christ’s sake. Whit the hell wur ye feeding they bloody pigeons? Eighteen carat gold nuggets?”
“The three big Horsemen Thief Pouters wur pure lineage breeds, dating back three hunner years. They wur worth five hunner a heid, any day ae the week. And then there’s the loss ae earnings and me gaun oot ae business. Ma contacts in Nova Scotia ur aw well pissed aff wae the situation...whit a humiliation. Wan ae their clients is a right nasty basturt fae Memphis. When he heard whit hid happened, he wanted tae send a fucking hit man across here tae help me oot.”
“So, whit did ye tell him?”
“Ah telt him we hid enough hit men ae oor ain and no tae bother wae any unnecessary expense and that Ah hid the situation in haun. Hiv Ah Colin?”
“Hiv ye whit?”
“The situation in haun?”
“There’s nae way in a month ae sunny Sundays that three grand will be haunded o’er, Pat. That kind ae money isnae aboot these days…Ah kin tell ye that right noo.”
“Ah widnae expect youse or that bunch ae Irish Micks tae haun o’er anything. Fuck’s sake, Colin, how did a good Prodd
y like yersel manage tae get in tow wae that bunch ae basturts…and you a blue nose as well?”
“Ach, they’re no as bad as ye think...wance ye get used tae them.”
“Better you than me, boyo.”
“That’s Welsh.”
“Aye, well, same spuds, different accent.”
“So, whit ur ye saying?”
“Ah need a clear run fur a wee bit ae business oan Friday morning. Hauf an hour tae an hour maximum wid be plenty time.”
“The morra? Oh, Ah don’t know. Ah’d need tae get that sanctioned fae higher up.”
“That’s fine by me, Colin. Take yer time, as long as ye get back tae me nae later than this efternoon.”
Efter another near miss ae lager and lime, Colin rocked back oan his chair, narrowing his eyes.
“Pat, don’t take the mickey, noo. We’re willing tae work something oot, bit we’re no gonnae turn o’er and bare oor arses.
“Ah’m no asking ye tae bare yer arses. Aw Ah’m asking ye tae dae is gie me a body swerve at ten o’clock the morra morning, that’s aw.”
