by Todd, Ian
“Cheeky auld cow!” Bawheid growled fae the passenger’s seat.
“Aye, Ah should’ve run the auld bag o’er. That wid’ve gied her something tae girn aboot,” the driver said, as the pair chuckled tae themsels.
At the last set ae traffic lights, Johnboy hid noticed a street sign saying that they wur oan Paisley Road West. He knew bits ae the area because he’d delivered briquettes in Tradeston, gaun up and doon nearly every close in Scotland Street, o’er in Kinning Park and in parts ae Govan, roond aboot the cross. He’d been keeping tabs oan the route they wur taking, as he hoped it wid come in handy at a later date. Efter that, the route wis aw new tae him, apart fae Ibrox Park, which he could see o’er tae his right. When they went tae the games, they always took the underground fae either Queen Street or St Enoch Square, which took them straight tae Copland Road. He wondered if he’d get a chance tae get oot ae the car before the two bears in the front seat could turn roond and nab him. Bawheid must’ve been reading his mind.
“Right, listen up, ya wee shitehoose, ye. Don’t even bother wae they door haundles. They don’t open fae the inside. Jist sit back and enjoy the scenery. It’ll take us aboot an hour tae get there, depending oan the traffic. We’ve aw been here before, so don’t even think ae trying tae get oot ae this car. The baith ae us kin run like fuck, so ye’ve nae chance ae getting away. Hiv ye goat that?” the prick wae the folds oan the back ae his neck snarled, turning tae face Johnboy.
Johnboy jist turned his face away, ignoring the ugly scowling coupon in front ae him that he wanted tae smash in wae the heel ae his shoe. He allowed himsel tae be distracted by the two bearded hippies in sandals, wearing Kaftan coats, oan the other side ae the road, competing fur the attentions ae a long-haired lassie who wis decked oot tae look like Hiawatha.
“Another talkative wan.”
“Aye, well, he’s been well warned,” Rolled Back Neck growled, sitting back roond tae face the front.
Johnboy tried tae convince himsel that it must’ve been a dream, fur the umpteenth time since getting slung intae the back seat ae the car. Everything in the cell hid seemed so real until wan ae the basturts sitting up front hid gied him a dig in the ribs. Before his court appearance earlier, he hidnae been able tae remember whit Skull looked or sounded like. No matter how hard he’d tried in the past, everything aboot Skull hid jist become a blur. Skull hid been deid fur aboot three years, bit noo Johnboy could suddenly remember everything aboot him, including whit he looked and sounded like. Johnboy remembered mentioning tae Tony and Joe a couple ae months back that, despite trying his hardest, he couldnae picture whit Skull looked like any mair. They’d said that it wis the same fur them.
“Jist think ae a wee baldy bachle, and ye’ll hiv him doon tae a T,” Joe hid come oot wae.
“An ugly wee baldy bachle,” Tony hid reminded them.
Why could he noo remember everything, including whit Skull sounded like? When he wis oan remand in The Grove, the heid-shrinker hid asked him if he’d ever heard voices in that heid ae his. Even if he hid, she wid’ve been the last person he wid’ve telt, sitting there wae her fancy gold fountain pen and matching glasses balancing hauf way doon her beak, poised tae challenge him, whitever he said. Hid it been a dream? Wis Skull’s voice, which he’d heard as clear as day in the cell, real or imagined? He wondered whit Mrs Fountain Pen wid say if he telt her aboot this wan? Wis he really as doo-lally in the heid as she’d hinted he wis? He never could fathom oot why it wis so important fur the heid-shrinkers tae convince him that they knew why he acted the way he did. He’d stoapped playing alang wae them the first time he’d been in The Grove, efter they dismissed everything he’d telt them aboot where he wis coming fae. They always goat angry wae him, especially when he telt them he wis happy enough maist ae the time.
“Naw, ye’re no happy, Taylor, ye’re delusional. If ye wur happy, ye widnae be gaun aboot upsetting everywan by breaking the rules, noo wid ye? Why kin ye no be like everywan else?”
“Hame Sweet Hame,” the driver said, bringing Johnboy oot ae his thoughts.
Johnboy peered oot ae the windscreen between their shoulders. They’d jist turned intae a big curved drive. Oan the left wur trees and bushes and oan the right, there wur fields wae boys bent o’er or leaning oan shovels. In the middle ae the field, he could see a red rusty tractor wae a trailer attached tae it. He could tell at a glance who the teachers wur. They wur the wans that wur loitering aboot, picking their noes or scratching their arses, daeing sweet fuck aw. Some ae the boys stoapped whit they wur daeing and looked o’er tae try and get a glance at whit the new arrival looked like. The car crunched tae a stoap oan the gravel in the U-shape yard ae an ancient two-storey building, facing the big fancy door. Oan either side ae the car, the building wis covered wae red creepers, which looked like they’d been trimmed tae let the light in through the white windae frames. Johnboy felt his arse twitch as his door opened. He hoped he’d gotten it right aboot The Mankys being sent there.
“Right, oot ye get, ginger,” Rolled Back Neck growled.
Chapter Three
The building looked ancient and fancy at the same time. The entrance reminded Johnboy a wee bit ae Kelvingrove Art Gallery, minus the revolving door. There wis wood panelling aw o’er the place and hauf a dozen big oil paintings ae grumpy auld men, staring doon at Thistle Park’s latest arrival. He wis sitting, rubbing his wrists where the cuffs hid been, while hivving a good look aboot him, when he heard a massive-sounding crash fae somewhere in the building.
“Don’t move,” Rolled Back Neck’s pal, the driver wae the boil oan the back ae his neck, snarled at him, as the two ae them heided towards the glass doors opposite the bolted front door, which led intae the building proper.
Jist before they reached the glass doors, Johnboy wis surprised tae clock a familiar face whizzing by, being pursued by a teacher.
“Smith, ya wee bloody shitehoose, ye. Stoap right there!”
The teacher who’d been daeing the shouting appeared intae view, stoapping oan the other side ae the glass. Johnboy never heard Silent reply, although it wis obvious he’d stoapped running and wis getting an earful.
“Right, get yer arse back here…now!”
Silence.
“Ah said, now!” the teacher bawled, taking a whistle oot ae his pocket and putting it up tae his mooth.
“Whit have Ah done?” Johnboy heard Silent saying.
This wis a wonder tae Johnboy. Very few people, apart fae The Mankys themsels, ever heard Silent speak.
“Don’t talk back tae me, ya wee shite, ye. Ah said get back here…now!”
“Everything okay, Henry?” Fat Neck asked through the glass.
“Oh, hiya, Brian. Aye, nae bother. Ah’ve jist caught this wee basturt red-haunded, toppling o’er the brush cupboard wae aw the flair polish in it. Whit a bloody mess. He thought Ah hidnae clocked him dae it,” the teacher said, before looking alang the corridor tae wherever Silent wis staunin. “Ah’m no gonnae tell ye again. Get back here, Smith.”
“Hoi, dae whit the hell Mr Broon tells ye, ya cheeky wee reprobate, ye, or that arse ae yers will be caved in wae ma boot up it,” Rolled Back Neck shouted through the door as Silent came intae view.
“Move it!” the teacher shouted wae a jerk ae his thumb back towards where the crashing sound hid come fae.
Silent never clocked Johnboy sitting oan the other side ae the glass as he appeared and heided back the way he’d come. Johnboy wis trying tae catch his eye, bit Silent wis obviously too busy concentrating oan whit wis happening in front ae him. Two seconds later and he wis gone. Johnboy felt a lot better. He hidnae seen Tony, Paul, Joe or Silent fur a couple ae months, since they’d aw been lifted. Tony and Joe hid goat sent tae approved school fur stealing aw the wheels aff the lorries belonging tae McCaskills, the coal merchants. The Big Man hid gied them fifteen quid, a truck jack and a horse and cart and telt them tae make sure there wis nothing left staunin wae wheels oan it. There hid been a great photo in The Glesga
Echo ae the sixteen wagons staunin oan bricks. At the time, Paul and Silent hid been back in the Toonheid, oan the run, living in an empty hoose at the tap ae Collins Street, jist alang fae the swimming baths. Paul and Tony hid fallen oot o’er the lorry wheel job. Paul hid been arguing that they shouldnae be daeing any jobs fur The Big Man, seeing as he wis still convinced that The Big Man wis tae blame fur ordering Skull tae be frizzled in the cabin. The subject ae who wis responsible fur the torching still came up every noo and again and this hid been wan ae they times. Paul hid argued that it wis The Big Man or wan ae the Murphy basturts that hid set the cabin alight. Tony hid kept arguing that it hid definitely been the bizzies and couldnae understaun why the fuck Paul couldnae accept whit everywan else in the Toonheid knew. At the end ae the argument, Paul and Silent hid heided aff up the road. At that time, Johnboy hid awready started a wee job, stripping the lead aff ae a tenement roof, o’er in Barony Street wae Freckles, wan ae the uglies fae the Garngad, who’d also been oan the run and crashing in the same place as Paul and Silent. Johnboy hidnae been wae Tony and Joe the night they goat huckled as he’d been daeing an all-nighter tae get the roof finished. It wis only efter a few days ae Tony and Joe no being aboot that Freckles heard that they’d been huckled fur blagging the wheels. A couple ae weeks efter that, Paul, Silent and Freckles hid goat nabbed doon at the Barras oan a Sunday efternoon, where they’d been getting their photos taken in front ae The Beatles wallpaper wall in the wee studio in the stalls behind The Barrowland Ballroom. They’d also been charged wae stealing wan ae the McCaskills’ lorries that hid been loaded tae the gunnels wae scrap lead. Paul hid been returned tae St Ninian’s Approved School and Silent hid been sent back up tae Oakbank in Aberdeen. Freckles hid also goat sent back tae approved school fur his part in the theft. Johnboy hidnae heard that Oakbank hid obviously shifted Silent oot.
“Right, Taylor, follow me,” the driver said, walking through the glass panelled door.
Johnboy trailed efter him, followed by The Neck, alang the corridor and doon the stairs tae the dungeon part ae the building.
Johnboy wis led through a door and intae a big room, where there wis aboot five long rows ae framed benches running the length ae it, wae hooks fur hinging up yer clothes built intae it. At the far end, there wis aboot a dozen shower heids sticking oot ae the wall.
“Get stripped and get under wan ae they showers.”
Johnboy peeled aff his kecks and turned oan the water. Alang the tap ae the wall ae the shower area, there wis a set ae windaes that ran the length ae the room and fae where he wis staunin, Johnboy could see the bottom hauf ae the legs ae boys in short troosers who wur hinging aboot oan the other side. There wis a gap ae aboot ten feet between the windaes and whit Johnboy took tae be the playground. It wis obvious there wis a good game ae fitba oan the go, as the baw kept thumping aff the bars ae the windaes oan the other side ae the glass. The baw they wur using wisnae a standard size, bit wis a tiny wee red thing. Sometimes it goat stuck between the bars and a short-troosered boy in a blue uniform wid jump doon wae a thud intae the area between the building and the playground and a pair ae hauns wid dislodge it and then disappear until the next time. When he’d finished his shower, he noticed that there wis a wee pile ae clothes sitting waiting fur him beside a towel that hid also jist magically appeared oot ae naewhere. Efter he’d put oan his uniform, he wis taken oan the grand tour. He wis taken intae a dorm oan the tap flair and shown which bed wis his. Oan the bottom ae the bed wis a towel, a toothbrush and a wee red roond tin ae Gibbs powdered toothpaste. A wee cabinet wae a drawer and a door oan it sat beside the bed. The dorm hid aboot ten beds in it. Efter heiding back doon the stairs, he wis taken intae the dining hall and telt tae sit oan his arse, facing a wall that hid a big oblong hardboard wall frame oan it. There wur twelve horizontal coloured stripes painted across it. Oan the left haun side ae it, he could jist make oot a long list ae names and scattered aw o’er the board wur wee coloured pegs stuck in aw the holes.
“Right, listen up and don’t interrupt. Ye’ll only be telt this the wance, so keep they lugs ae yers peeled back. Whenever ye’re ready,” Fat Neck said, in his friendliest voice tae the driver.
Given that Johnboy hidnae said a word tae the fat necked prick-face since he goat booted in they ribs ae his in the Central, they’d be nae chance ae getting a squeak oot ae him, never mind getting interrupted.
“Right, ye see that board? Everywan in the school his their name oan it, oan the left haun column, including yersel. Yer name is the wan at the very bottom. Each coloured stripe represents twelve weeks and each ae the wee holes within the stripe represents wan week. Whit ye hiv tae dae is work yer way up the board, jumping fae wan hole tae the next. Wance ye get tae the tap hole at the very tap ae the board, ye get set free. Noo, this is the good part that ye’ll like. Ye kin earn good marks that’ll allow ye tae jump up the board tae a maximum ae three weeks at any wan time, if ye behave yersel and earn the respect ae the teachers. Tae dae this, ye hiv tae sit wae yer erms crossed and yer mooth shut when ye’re no expected tae be working oan some task or other.”
Christ, Ah hear voices in ma heid…Ah’m gonnae end up as doo-lally as Silent, Johnboy thought tae himsel. He felt the panic well up in his chest, as he tried his best tae ignore the drone that wis being spouted in his direction. That bloody heid-shrinker hid been right…he probably wis aff his heid. The pair ae bampots in front ae him must’ve detected the sudden shock oan Johnboy’s coupon because Rolled Back Neck felt the need tae interrupt his sidekick.
“Whit he means is…when ye come oot ae the shower wae yer pals…if ye hiv any, that is…insteid ae farting aboot and chattering a heap ae shite, ye should jist sit doon wae yer erms crossed across yer chest, no saying a word. Wan ae the teachers will be walking aboot wae a pencil and a wee book in his haun, looking oot fur the boys who’re sitting up, behaving themsels. They’re the wans that get a wee tick beside their name. At the end ae the week, usually a Friday morning, efter breakfast, yer ticks will be coonted up and, depending oan how many good ticks ye get, ye kin start tae move up the board, two and maybe even three holes in the wan week.”
“So, the quicker ye get that arse ae yers in gear and up they holes, the quicker ye kin get back hame tae yer maw and da. Oan the other haun, if ye fuck aboot, yer peg will stay where it is and ye’ll no be gaun anywhere. Another wee incentive ye get is that, when ye’ve been here fur aboot three months and we’ve hid a chance tae suss ye oot, ye kin get hame leave, the type ae which depends oan how many good ticks ye get o’er that space ae time. Five ticks gets ye oot fur the weekend, starting oan a Friday morning till the Sunday night at six o’clock, four ticks gets ye oot ten o’clock oan the Saturday morning till the Sunday night, three ticks sees ye oot at twelve o’clock oan the Saturday till the Sunday, two ticks means ye’re oot Saturday morning and back Saturday night, again at six, and wan tick disnae get ye any hame leave, bit ye dae get moved up a week oan the board. Nae ticks means ye stay where ye ur. There ur some names who hivnae shifted up since they’ve been here, bit ye don’t look the sort,” the driver said encouragingly.
Johnboy wis starting tae wonder how he could get intae that kitchen, behind the wee hatch, beside the door, which he’d seen when he came in tae the dining room, tae grab a knife and slit his ain throat before they managed tae get it aff him. He wis bored awready and wis wondering how long it wid take him tae get back hame tae the Toonheid oan the route he’d memorised while sitting in the car. He squinted towards the bottom left haun side ae the board, bit he couldnae make oot his ain name, fae where he wis sitting, never mind anywan else’s.
“Any questions then?”
He wanted tae shout, ‘Aye, which wan ae youse liberty-taking-selfish-basturts booted me in ma ribs?’ bit insteid, he jist looked at them as if he wis daft.
“Naw? Good. That’s the way we like it in here. Right, follow me,” the driver said, as he heided back tae the door leading intae the corridor.
Wance they turned th
e corner, there wis a wired-glass double door wae bars oan the inside, leading tae steps doon intae the yard. It wis hard tae tell how many boys there wur hinging aboot or playing fitba, bit it wis obvious where he wis heiding.
“Right, remember whit we telt ye and ye’ll be okay, Taylor,” Fat Neck said tae him, as if he’d suddenly become Johnboy’s pal, while the driver held the door open fur Johnboy tae walk through.
Chapter Four
“Fur fuck’s sake, whit’s taken ye aw this time, ya slow tit, ye?” Tony asked, fae where he wis sitting, oan the bottom step.
Tony wis sitting beside Silent and Joe, wae the Garngad Uglies…Freckles, Baby Huey, Tottie, Minky and Patsy…lounging roond aboot him.
“Ah wis getting the grand tour,” Johnboy replied, smiling and relieved tae see his pals.
“Aye, well, ye hivnae seen anything yet. Wait till that matron gets a haud ae ye. Ye’ll know whit a fucking grand tour is then,” Baby said and everywan laughed.
“So, how come ye ended up in here then, Johnboy?” Freckles asked, ducking swiftly as the baw whizzed by his heid.
