by Scott Meyer
Wollard smiled, as if trying to use his own face to convince his brain that she’d been joking.
“Milady, I don’t think the guards will be necessary. We’ve been making progress.”
“Yes, I hear Hennik has taken another hostage.”
Hennik’s muffled voice called out from beyond the door. “She’s not a hostage. She’s a servant. My servant. Tell Lady Jakabitus to show a little respect, or I’ll be forced to break off all diplomatic relations.”
Wollard grimaced. “Milady, as we discussed, the repercussions if you send in armed guards will—”
“There will be negative repercussions, Wollard, but the situation now is inherently negative, and the consequences if I don’t act decisively will be far worse.”
“But the Formalities—”
“Say that I have to act within four hours. That’s what you told me. Phee, when are the four hours up?”
Phee glanced at her papers and said, “In a little over six minutes.”
“Please, Your Ladyship,” Wollard pleaded, “please don’t send in the guards. I know I can make Master Hennik see reason.”
“You’ve got three minutes,” Lady Jakabitus said.
“But the Formalities say there are six.”
“The Formalities say we have to have it done before six minutes are up. We could wait five minutes, but I don’t like to leave things until the last second.”
Wollard turned back to the door and shouted, “Master Hennik, Lady Jakabitus has arrived with a contingent of armed security personnel. She intends to send them in.”
“Yes,” Hennik said. “In three minutes. Very decisive. How many are there?”
Wollard counted, then, in a quieter voice, asked Lady Jakabitus, “Why did you bring five, Milady? Surely that’s overkill.”
“In this case, Wollard, there’s no such thing as overkill. When they drag him out, there will be one guard to hold each of his limbs and one to secure his head, in case he tries to bite or spit,” Lady Jakabitus answered.
“And I’ll go in as well,” Lord Jakabitus said. “To watch.”
“To make sure that Master Hennik’s not harmed,” Wollard said.
“To see it if he is,” Lord Jakabitus corrected him.
Wollard turned back to the door. “Master Hennik, Her Ladyship has brought—”
“Yes, yes,” Hennik interrupted. “Five guards. Tell her to send them in now. I could use them to help protect the borders of my sovereign territory.”
“They’re not coming in to help you, Master Hennik.”
“But they will. I’ll talk them into staying, just like I did the drinks girl.”
“Her name is Shly, and you didn’t talk her into staying. I advised her to stay,” Wollard said.
“Fine. I persuaded you to instruct her to stay, let’s not quibble. And as for her name, she has responded occasionally to drinks girl, so that shall be her name here, in my realm.”
Wollard nervously glanced back at Lady Jakabitus. The mixture of disappointment and disgust he saw in her face made him long for the good old days when she’d just been angry. Wollard knew it was far too late to take a hard line with Hennik, and it was not his place in any case, but perhaps he could level with Hennik and make him see reason.
“Look. Master Hennik, you’ve had your fun. You’ve inconvenienced Master Rayzo and several members of the staff, and you’ve made me look foolish. I’m sure you’re very proud, but if you’re smart, you’ll open the door, come out here, and say that this was all a joke.”
“I think I’d rather stay in here and say that Lady Jakabitus is a joke.”
“If you don’t come out, Her Ladyship is going to officially accept your declaration of hostility and send in the guards. They will drag you off to one of Her Ladyship’s prisons.”
“She wouldn’t dare,” Hennik said.
“She would,” Wollard said. “She will. I actually believe she’s looking forward to it.”
“Good,” Hennik said. “Then let her. Send them in. It’ll be delightful to see the look on her face when I beat them all down.”
Wollard bit his lip. “That’s . . . highly unlikely, Master Hennik.”
“And yet it will happen.”
“I doubt it, Master Hennik.”
“You’re wrong again, Wollard.”
Phee placed a hand on Wollard’s shoulder. She wanted to pull him away from the door, or at least distract him for long enough to calm him down, but he shrugged her off and put up a hand to indicate she should stop interfering. “Master Hennik,” he said, “they are trained, experienced guards!”
“So what? I’m undefeated.”
“You’ve never fought five grown men!”
“Five grown men have never fought me. That makes it even, I figure.”
“Master Hennik! You won those matches by doing the same trick over and over again!”
“And I can do it five more times.”
Lady Jakabitus said, “Wollard, I think—” She stopped abruptly when Wollard waved his hand at her exactly as he had at Phee.
“This is not a sports match, Master Hennik,” Wollard shouted. “These men are armed.”
“Meaning that they’re encumbered, and probably overconfident.”
“Master Hennik, please open this door! I don’t see a way for you to prevail.”
“Come in with the guards and you will.”
“Hennik!” Wollard snapped. “This is folly! Folly, I tell you! There’s no way to win! You can’t go through with this!”
Everyone on Wollard’s side of the door was shocked and unnerved, not by what Wollard had said, which seemed perfectly reasonable, but at Phee’s audible gasp in response to what she’d heard Wollard say: can’t.
Wollard heard her as well, and the sound snapped him out of his anger. He mentally replayed the last few seconds and turned to Phee with horror in his eyes.
Phee gave him a look that said, we’re in a bad situation, but we’re in it together, which he found reassuring.
Glaz, Hartchar, the guards, Lord Jakabitus—all of them looked confused. Lady Jakabitus was the only one who bothered to ask, “What? What is it, Wollard?”
Wollard was about to answer when Hennik’s voice rang out from the far side of the door, saying, “What?!”
A female voice spoke, quietly enough that no one could make out who it was or what she was saying, but she spoke for quite some time, and when she was done, Hennik said, “Okay. We’re coming out. Have the guards stand down.”
The door trembled slightly as the barricade was removed, then it swung open.
In the background, Shly was untying Rayzo. Hennik stood off to one side, looking flushed and angry, while Migg stood in the center of the doorway. Her posture was straighter than usual. Her shoulders were thrown back. She was recognizably herself, yet she seemed utterly different.
Migg faced Wollard and said, “Know that two thousand, one hundred, and seventy-one conventional years have passed since the Terran Exodus. Today is the sixteenth day of the fourth month. We meet on the planet Apios, in the palace of the ruler, Lady Joanadie Jakabitus, in the corridor outside the training room. I am the person you have heretofore known as Migg, Master Hennik Hahn’s personal valet.”
Wollard blinked several times, then said, “I acknowledge and return your greeting, but must inform you of my intent to formally protest your implied subterfuge.”
Migg smiled and nodded. “As you should. I, in turn, invoke my right to limited and prudent subterfuge in the interests of self-preservation.”
Wollard’s upright posture reaffirmed itself, but his expression conveyed the sense that his mouth was working on autopilot and his brain was paralyzed with stress and confusion. “I recognize the aforementioned right,” he said, “and withdraw my threat of protest, pending the revelation of your actual
identity and position and the affirmation of an imminent existential threat.”
Migg smiled again. “Most gracious of you. I hereby apologize for said subterfuge.”
“And I, on behalf of House Jakabitus, accept your apology, but remind you that acceptance does not indemnify the issuer of the apology from possible negative consequences,” Wollard replied.
“Keeping that in mind, it is with great relief that I, the person heretofore known to you as Migg, personal valet and servant to Master Hennik Hahn, formerly of House Hahn and currently of House Jakabitus, am in fact, Migg, former Master of Formalities to Lord Kamar Hahn, patriarch of House Hahn and unquestioned ruler of the Hahn and the Hahn Home World.”
Wollard’s mouth opened and closed several times, but he made no sound.
Migg bowed deeply toward Lady Jakabitus.
Lady Jakabitus looked at Migg, then at Wollard, then turned to Phee and in a tone that was more plaintive than angry, asked, “What just happened?”
Phee said, “It would appear, Milady, that when he was captured, Master Hennik was not traveling with a member of House Hahn’s household servant staff, as we’ve been led to believe, but was, in fact, traveling with Lord Hahn’s Master of Formalities, Migg, who, having reasonable cause to fear for her safety should her true rank be discovered, chose to exercise her right to self-preservation by posing as a lower-ranking member of the Hahn organization.”
“Indeed,” Migg said. “Well done, Phee. Your poise and skill speak well of your mentor.” She nodded to Wollard, who blinked at her, his mind still paralyzed with shock.
“And we’re just supposed to believe this?” Lady Jakabitus asked.
“Milady,” Migg said, “I would never presume to tell you what you should or should not believe. It is, of course, your prerogative to make up your own mind. I do, however, offer as evidence of my true identity a copy of my official charter from the Arbiters, my official invocation of necessary subterfuge, and the formal declaration of my intent to reveal my true identity, which I filed with the Arbiters while in this room. These items should be waiting in both Wollard and Phee’s papers even as we speak.”
Wollard snapped out of his stupor, furiously dug his papers out of his pocket, and started ruffling through them like a man possessed. Phee produced her papers as well. They stood reading in silence until Lady Jakabitus asked, “Is this true?”
Phee glanced at Wollard, who was reading as quickly as he could, his lips moving slightly as he attempted to fully internalize every letter of every word.
“Uh, Yes. Yes, Milady,” Phee said. “Migg’s statement appears to be accurate.”
“Wait a minute,” Lord Jakabitus said. “Did I hear right? She told the Arbiters that she was lying to us?”
Migg said, “Yes, Milord, I—”
“I wasn’t asking you, whoever you are,” Lord Jakabitus snapped.
“My name remains Migg, Your Lordship. That much has not changed.”
“Good,” he said. “Shut up, Migg. Phee, did the Arbiters know?”
“Yes, Milord,” Phee said. “As you are aware, we file reports to the Arbiters reflecting all of our activities.”
“And neither of you were told?” Lord Jakabitus asked, motioning toward Phee and Wollard.
Wollard was still reading and digesting every word of the documents provided, looking for any reason to dispute or distrust them.
“No, Milord,” Phee said. “Those reports are read by the Arbiters and sent to the archives. We are only given the information we are supposed to have, not, necessarily, the information we need.”
Migg said, “The role of the Arbiters, and the Masters of Formalities, is to smooth and lubricate the course of history, not direct it.”
Wollard finally lowered his papers. He exhaled, turned to Lady Jakabitus, and said, “I have read every word of the supplied documents twice over, and they are in order.” He turned to Migg, bowed, and said, “I recognize your credentials and welcome you, Migg, Master of Formalities to House Hahn.”
Migg returned the bow. “I thank you, Wollard,” she said. Migg rose from her bow, then bowed even more deeply to Lady Jakabitus.
“What did you say to Hennik to make him stand down?” Lady Jakabitus asked.
“He just learned that his father issued a standing order for him to do as I advise in matters of great importance. I deemed an imminent, and justified, assault by armed guards to be sufficiently important.”
“And nothing that’s happened up until that moment was sufficiently important?”
“This was the first situation in which his actions threatened to do permanent harm. Also, any attempt to directly guide his actions earlier would have exposed my identity.”
“And we couldn’t have that,” Lady Jakabitus said.
“Sadly, no, I couldn’t. I apologize most humbly for misleading you, Milady. I am now convinced that my safety was never in doubt, as your treatment of both me and Master Hennik has been unfailingly generous and benevolent. I thank you.”
Lady Jakabitus looked askance at Wollard and Phee. Wollard’s eyes were locked on Migg, and Phee just shook her head, which Lady Jakabitus found less than helpful.
Lady Jakabitus said, “You are welcome. We welcomed you and Hennik into our home with no intention of doing either of you harm.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Migg said. “And as such, it is with a heavy heart that I must officially issue Wollard a rebuke.”
“A rebuke?!” Wollard asked in a tiny, frightened voice.
“A stern rebuke.”
Phee gasped again.
“You have violated our most sacred principle,” Migg said. “Any lesser punishment is contraindicated.”
“What are you talking about?” Lady Jakabitus almost shouted.
Migg said, “Wollard, I move, given the nature of the situation, that Phee should explain, as she is both trusted and not directly involved.”
“Sensible,” Wollard mumbled.
Migg said, “And I remind you, Phee, that while one usually does not discuss the directive in question with the uninitiated, as those present witnessed both the offense and the rebuke, you do have latitude to go into some detail in this matter.”
Phee didn’t know whether to nod to Wollard or Migg, so she nodded to a point in space equidistant between them, then turned and addressed Lady Jakabitus. “A Master of Formalities may never, under any circumstances, tell a member of a ruling house that she or he cannot do a thing. A ruler is free to do, or attempt to do, whatever she or he chooses. Our place is not to dictate, but to advise as to what the consequences are likely to be. Wollard, unfortunately, told Master Hennik that he could not win. Not that it was unlikely he could win. That he could not.”
“But he couldn’t,” Lord Jakabitus said.
“Yes, I could!” Hennik shouted.
“No, you could not!” Lord Jakabitus shouted back.
“Be that as it may,” Phee said, “it was not for Wollard to tell him what he could not do, just that his course of action was highly, if not almost entirely, unlikely to end in success. In light of Wollard’s error, Migg, who we have just learned is of equal rank to Wollard, has issued a stern rebuke, meaning that Wollard is suspended from his duties and all the privileges that come therewith, and must make his way to the Central Authority to have his actions scrutinized.”
Everyone looked upset by this, but Lady Jakabitus looked a bit less upset than Wollard might have hoped.
“So,” Lady Jakabitus asked, “does that mean you get a temporary promotion until a replacement can be dispatched, Phee?”
“No, Milady. The privilege of assuming Wollard’s duties falls automatically to the highest-ranking Arbitration official on the planet, and since her paperwork appears to be in order, that would be Migg.”
Wollard noted with some satisfaction that Lady Jakabitus now looked quite
upset indeed.
PART 6
To glory excessively in victory is poor form.
To wallow excessively in defeat is equally poor form.
Often, the safest policy is to avoid discussion of past results, instead shifting focus to future endeavors.
-Excerpt from The Arbiters’ Official Guidelines Regarding Etiquette for the Triumphant, Victorious, and Understandably Confident
42.
Migg glanced at her papers, then looked up and, in a clear, loud voice, said, “Know that two thousand, one hundred, and seventy-one conventional years have passed since the Terran Exodus. Today is the seventeenth day of the fourth month. We meet on the planet Apios, in the servants’ hall of Palace Koa, the ancestral home of House Jakabitus and its matriarch, Lady Joanadie Jakabitus. I am Migg, Master of Formalities for House Jakabitus, and for the first of what I hope is many times, I am delivering the daily meeting to the palace staff.”
Migg was happy that the staff and the Jakabitus family finally knew the truth. It felt good to reassume her role as Master of Formalities. Of course, dealing with the staff here on Apios would be different from handling the staff back on the Hahn Home World, but she’d cross that bridge when she came to it.
Rather than the staff uniform she’d slouched around in up until the previous day, Migg stood in front of them dressed in the traditional stiff black suit of a Master of Formalities, which accentuated her slender frame and ramrod-straight posture. Her hair was slicked down in the same manner as Phee’s, and Wollard’s before her, and it looked brown now instead of the sandy blonde it had been. Such a transformation would have naturally engendered distrust, even if all who were gathered before her hadn’t known how she’d come to be wearing the suit that day.
“Good morning, everyone,” Migg said brightly.
Nobody replied. The entire staff stared back at her, unified in their resentment.
Maybe it won’t be so different from the Hahn Home World after all, Migg thought.
The lack of interaction left Migg with no graceful option other than to continue with her presentation.
