Finding Myself In You

by Melanie J. Cole

  “Give me your money.” The man holds out his hand.

  I pull my wallet out of my pocket and hand it over to him. He gives me a cocky grin, pulls his arm back, and slams his fist into my face.

  The last thing I see as I fall to the ground is his black boots.

  CHAPTER 9

  TAYLOR

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Amanda asks, sounding all whiny. It’s Tuesday night and she’s heading over to Dean’s frat house.

  I pull my covers back and climb into bed. “I told you, I have to be up early in the morning.”

  “That never stopped you before.” She leans over and slips on her heels.

  “Well, it’s stopping me now. Look, I cannot fail out of school. Going home is not an option.” I cringe at the mere thought.

  She flips her blonde hair over her shoulder. “Fine, be a prude. I’m going to get my kicks, while I’m still young enough to get them.” She blows me a kiss over her shoulder and leaves the room.

  “Make good choices.” I call out as the door bangs shut. Oh, who am I kidding? That girl wouldn’t recognize a good choice if it gave her an orgasm. She’s such a slut!

  I pick up my Psychology book, and begin going over my notes, that Matthew helped me with.

  As hard as I try to concentrate, I cannot focus. I’m too worried about Amanda. I’ve done it again. I’ve let her go to a frat party, alone. I pick up my phone and text Dean.

  Me: Have you seen Amanda?

  Dean: Yep, she’s dry humping Cal.

  I roll my eyes in exasperation. Why does she have to be so slutty?

  Me: Please keep an eye on her for me.

  It takes a few minutes for him to respond.

  Dean: Fine.

  I sigh with relief. He is such a good guy. He doesn’t even like Amanda. I think she might scare him a little bit.

  A couple of years ago, I got mono and had to miss a lot of school. Amanda would come by the house and bring me all of my assignments, so that I didn’t fall too far behind. I don’t remember why, but Dean was home for some reason. Amanda had always had a crush on him, so she took advantage of the situation, and put the moves on him. Dean had been thoroughly creeped out. He’d always thought of her like another annoying sister. He turned her down as politely as possible, but he hasn’t liked her since. She gets underneath his skin like no one else. Dean has never been into younger girls. Personally, I think it may be because of Amanda. I think she may have scarred him for life. Neither one of them would tell me exactly what happened, but I know Amanda. She doesn’t sugar coat things. She’s bold.

  My phone vibrates with a text and I scoop it up off of my desk. I roll my eyes when I read it.

  Ryan: Hey Babe, I miss you. Are you coming over?

  Wow, he has got to be kidding me. I guess he isn’t having any luck with any other girls tonight. I quickly type back a reply.

  Me: No, I’m not feeling so well.

  I know I should just tell him to fuck off, but I don’t want to burn any bridges. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I do have feelings for him. They run deep – too deep. I know if I keep seeing him, he’s going to end up breaking my heart. My phone vibrates again and I reluctantly stare down at it.

  Ryan: I bet I can make you feel better.

  Holy hell! He’s attached a picture of himself. He’s got on his - no holds barred panty dropping grin - and he’s shirtless. My mouth instantly fills with saliva. Why does he have to be so damn good looking? I swear he has to be a walking sin.

  I press my lips together, trying my best to be strong and resist him. But my eyes keep going back to that damn picture. Ah hell! I climb out of the bed, knowing that I’m going to regret this.

  As I sift through my box of a closet, I tell myself that I need to go and check on Amanda, anyway. But deep down, I know my going over there has nothing to do with her. I’m going for my regular booty call. I am so weak.

  CHAPTER 10

  MATT

  Just when I think that my life can’t get any worse, I get fucking mugged. I knew the bar was in a bad neighborhood, but I did not see that one coming.

  I swing my door open and step into my apartment. I’ve spent the last few hours at the police station, filing a report. Now, I get to call the bank and cancel my debit card. I glance up at the clock. It’s going on nine o’clock.

  This is just great. I’ve not had any sleep, I can barely walk, I have dried blood smeared down the side of my face, and I have a full schedule. I have three classes back-to-back, then to top it all off, I have to meet Taylor for our tutoring session.

  I slowly make my way to the bathroom, holding my breath from the sheer pain. Maybe I was wrong. I thought that the pain I felt from Crystal and Cooper was the worst possible – no such luck. That guy must have beaten the shit out of me after I blacked out.

  I climb out of the shower and dress as carefully as possible. I grab my glasses, books, keys, and head out the door.

  I must look worse than I thought. I’ve had people staring and gasping at me all day. I keep my head down and do my best to ignore all of the unwanted attention. I’m on my way to the library. I hope Taylor’s willing to cut this short today. I actually nodded off in my anatomy class. I have never done that before. I take my education seriously. This is my future after all.

  I’m glad to see that Taylor is all ready here. She’s sitting at the back table, pulling her book out of her bag.

  “Are you ready to get started?” I ask her, pulling out a chair across from her.

  She blinks up at me and her lips part and her eyes widen. “What in the hell happened to you?” She asks aghast.

  “Don’t worry about it.” I grit my teeth, as pain shoots up through my chest, when I lower myself into the seat.

  “You look awful.” Her brows are creased as she studies me intently.

  “Thanks. That makes me feel so much better.” I say dryly. If she keeps staring at me like that, I’m going to walk out of here. I’m completely exhausted. All I want to do is go home and go to bed. She’s pushing her luck.

  “Did you have time to go over the notes from last week?” I flip through my book, and glance over at her.

  She’s chewing on the end of her pen, still staring at me. She nods her head slowly, and finally looks down at her book. It’s about time!

  “Yeah, I went over them a little, but not as much as I would have liked.” She opens her notebook, and skims over the notes with her eyes.

  After the way I treated her last week, I’m trying my best not to snap at her, but the fact that she doesn’t seem to be trying, is pissing me off. Whoa, I used to never get angry, but here lately I seem to be pissed off all of the time. I’m seriously losing my shit. The pain is not helping matters, either.

  “Do you have any questions?”

  She begins tapping the end of her pen against the table. I all ready have a raging headache. I quickly reach out and grab hold of the pen, ripping it out of her hand.

  “Hey, what is wrong with you?” She reaches across the table, and yanks the pen back out of my hand.

  “I have a headache and you’re making it worse. Do you have any questions, or not?” I grind my teeth together. I don’t know what it is about this girl, but she pisses me off like no one else.

  She bites down on her lower lip and shakes her head. “No. I don’t think so.”

  I roll my eyes in exasperation. “Look, I’m not feeling so well. If you’re not going to take this seriously, what’s the point?”

  She looks over at me and I see anger flash in her brown eyes. “Look, I don’t know what your problem with me is, but I am taking this seriously. I’m doing the best that I can, and I don’t appreciate your attitude.” She has her shoulders squared and she’s glaring at me. I’m sure her expression mirrors my own. We’re both beyond pissed, for completely different reasons. She’s pissed, because once again I’m being a total asshole to her. I’m pissed off because of my piece of shit life.

  I shu
t my book and stand up. “Go over the notes, tonight. I’ll call you in the morning, and we’ll reschedule this then.” I don’t give her a chance to respond. I know I should reign in my temper and apologize to her, but fuck me. I can’t bring myself to do it. I need sleep – now.

  CHAPTER 11

  TAYLOR

  Ugh! Why are guys such jerks? I’m stomping down the steps outside of the library. Who in the hell does Matthew think he is?

  ‘Go over the notes tonight.’ I replay his words in my head - fuming. The way he talks to me, makes me feel like an errant child. I can feel hot angry tears fill my eyes.

  It’s bad enough that last night with Ryan had ended just like all of my other nights with him. Now, if I want to stay in school I have to spend an entire semester with an asshole, who thinks he’s so much better than I am. He’d obviously been in pain, but that isn’t my fault. I even asked him what happened. I have never met a more closed off person.

  I’m so caught up in my own thoughts that I almost run into Dean.

  I jerk my head up and come to a halt. “Sorry,” I mutter to him.

  “Hey, are you okay?” He grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me over to the side, allowing three guys to pass us. He studies my face intently. “What happened?”

  I nod my head and swipe the back of my hand across my cheek, wiping away the tears.

  “What pissed you off?” Dean knows that I only cry when I’m mad – really – really – mad. I stopped crying over sad things after Mom walked out on us. I did nothing buy cry and feel sorry for myself for a whole month. I’m over that shit!

  I hitch my thumb under the strap on my bag, and pull it up on my shoulder. “It’s nothing. It’s just that this guy…” I trail off. I don’t want Dean to know that I’m failing a class. He’d sit me down and lecture me on the importance of keeping my grades up. As far as he knows, I’m acing all of my classes, and I want to keep it that way. So, I don’t want to bring up Matthew.

  “What guy?” I see his jaw twitch, a sign that he’s trying to maintain his temper. “What did he do to you?” His nostrils are flaring with his sudden heavy breathing. “Do you want me to kick the shit out of him?”

  I quickly shake my head. “No. It’s not like that.” I put my hand on his shoulder trying to calm him down. “I just don’t get along with him, that’s all. He didn’t hurt me.”

  I feel his shoulders relax slightly. “Are you sure?”

  I force a smile at him. “Yeah, I’m fine. I promise. It’s just been a long day. Where are you headed?” I think it’s time to change the subject, before Dean goes looking for Matthew. By the way Matthew’s face was bruised and swelled up, I’m sure he’s been beaten enough. I wonder what that was all about. It makes me wonder if he’s an asshole to other people, as well.

  “I was on my way to get something to eat. Do you want to come?” I didn’t realize it until he mentioned eating, but I’m starving.

  “Yeah, that sounds good.” We start walking towards the parking lot.

  “Hey Dean, wait up man.” I look back over my shoulder and see Ryan making his way towards us. “Hey Taylor,” he flashes me a grin, and discreetly looks me over. “Where are you guys going?”

  “We’re going to get something eat. Do you want to come with us?” Dean asks him. No. No. No. I’m not in the mood to hang out with both of them. It’s just too awkward, trying to pretend that nothing is going on with Ryan and me. I’m not as good of a liar as Ryan is.

  “Um…I just remembered I can’t go.” I begin backing away from them. “There’s something I have to do.”

  Dean’s brows crease. “Are you sure? I thought you were hungry.”

  I bop my head up and down. “I am. But I promised Amanda that I’d have dinner with her.” I know if I bring up Amanda, Dean will drop it. He won’t try to convince me to tag along with them, if there’s a chance that I’ll invite Amanda.

  “Okay, I guess I’ll see you later.”

  I wave my hand at him. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.” I spin around and breathe a sigh of relief. Dodged that bullet!

  CHAPTER 12

  MATT

  “What did you say your major was, again?” Taylor asks me, as she highlights a paragraph in her book.

  “I didn’t.” I roll my eyes at her. I don’t know what it is with her, but she asks more questions than the freaking Riddler. It’s more than a little annoying.

  She looks over at me, and begins tapping her highlighter against the table.

  “Fine.” I grumble. “It’s premed.”

  Her eyes widen slightly. “Wow, you must be really smart.”

  Her words sting a little. Is it so surprising that I’m smart? I am tutoring her ass after all.

  I need to set this girl straight - right now. “Look Taylor, we’re not friends. I’m your tutor. Please stop trying to get to know me, and concentrate on psychology.” I hate being a jerk to her all of the time, but I don’t want anyone else in my life. I just want to get through this year, and move away. I’ve learned the hard way, that allowing people in your life never ends well. I don’t care how much you think you know someone, people are human, and should never be trusted – ever. It only leads to betrayal, heartbreak, and hatred. I’ve got enough of all three to last me a lifetime. I’m flying solo from here on out. I don’t care how cute Taylor is.

  “Geez, you don’t have to be so rude. I was just asking you a simple question. I know we’re not friends.” She flips her dark hair over her shoulder, and my nose is assaulted by her scent.

  I clench my hands into fists beneath the table, trying to ignore how good she smells. She smells like sandalwood, and something else that I can’t quiet identify. It reminds me of the beach. That was one thing that I didn’t like about Crystal. Her perfume smelled sweet like vanilla. It was too sweet. When we first started going out, I would always come home with a headache. I never dared say anything about it, though. Her looks more than made up for it. After we started spending more time together eventually my body adjusted and the headaches stopped.

  “How did the test go this morning?” I ask her, trying to distract myself from my own thoughts.

  “It went really well. I’m pretty sure I aced it.” She says, flashing me a big smile.

  I nod my head at her and force my eyes back down onto my book. She really is beautiful – beautiful and young, too young. “Good, I’m glad.”

  My phone vibrates against the table and I pick it up. I look down and see my Dad’s name flashing on the screen. Damnit! That guy cannot take a hint.

  “Finish the last three pages and do the questions at the end. I’ll be right back.” I stand up and step out of the library. As much as I try to not raise my voice to my Dad, it never works out. He gets under my skin like no one else.

  “Where the fuck are you?” He practically yells at me. Nice to talk to you too, Dad.

  “That’s none of your business.” I grind out.

  “You’re my son and that makes it my God damn business. You better be there tonight.”

  “Why is it so important to you? You never cared with any of your other marriages.” Dad has been married three other times, all of them much younger than he is. They never work out. I don’t know why he hasn’t given up.

  “Well, I care this time.”

  Okay, something is definitely up. He’s too anxious to get me to this damn rehearsal dinner. “Fine, I’ll be there.” I cannot believe I’m agreeing to do this, but my curiosity is getting the best of me. I want to know what’s going on with him. If I go there tonight, maybe I can figure it out.

  After I get off of the phone I make my way back into the library. Taylor has one of her legs pulled up beneath her. She looks up at me and smiles.

  “Are you finished?” I ask, sitting down across from her.

  She bops her head up and down anxiously. “Yep, I think you’ll be pleased.” She slides her notebook across the table to me.

  Her dark brown eyes are glistening with so much excitement, that
I actually feel the corners of my mouth twitching upwards. It feels very odd. It’s been so long, but Taylor’s so animated. It’s like she wears her emotions on her sleeve.

  She cocks her head to the side and studies me. “Oh. My. God. Are you smiling?”

  I quickly press my lips into a firm line. “No.” I lie.

  CHAPTER 13

  TAYLOR

  I’m smiling like the cat that swallowed the canary, as I delete another one of Ryan’s – less than polite - invitations. Who knew that I actually had that much self control!? Of course, none of his latest texts have any pictures attached…thank God. That would be so much harder to ignore. It took me three days to gather the will power to delete that picture of him. It almost made me sick!

  I feel like I’m finally getting my life back on track. I got my test back this morning. I didn’t miss a single question! Judging by the look on Mr. Johnson’s face, he was pretty surprised too.

  On top of all of that, I actually made Matthew smile the other day. He’d denied it of course, but I seen it. It was fleeting, only lasting a couple of seconds, but it was definitely there. I’m on a roll! I feel like doing a jig, right here in the middle of campus. Getting a smile out of that guy is not an easy task. I don’t think he’s such a jerk anymore. The more time I spend with him, the more I want to know about him. He looks so sad sometimes, that I can practically feel misery rippling off of him in waves. It breaks my heart. Someone has hurt him…bad.

  I wish there was some way that I could help him. This realization has my head spinning. I’m generally not about helping people, especially someone that I barely know. I don’t even care to hear Amanda’s problems, and we’ve known each other for as long as I can remember. Whoa! I really am a terrible person, so self-centered. I really need to work on that.

  I step inside of my room and drop my bag onto the floor. Amanda is lying on her bed with a wash cloth across her eyes.

  “Rough night?” I ask her. If she looks like this, it must be really bad. She parties all of the time and I’ve never seen her look this bad.