by Donna Alward
Ellen put her hand on Maddy’s arm. “You’ve always called me Ellen. No need to stop now. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
She looked around for her parents. “I came with my mom and dad,” she said weakly. She wasn’t sure if she actually wanted to talk to Ellen or if she just wanted to escape.
“We can give you and the boys a lift home. Please, Maddy. It’s important.”
She swallowed, anxious. If only one of the kids would fuss or something. But they were good as gold, sitting on the pew, playing with a few little toys.
“I guess it would be okay. Let me tell my parents.”
“I can sit with the boys for a moment if you like. They’re adorable.”
They really were, Maddy admitted to herself. She’d bought them little trouser, shirt and vest outfits for church and they were scrumptious in them.
“I’ll just be a moment.”
And of course her mom and dad had no objection, so she had no real excuse not to talk to Ellen. Chalk it up to the second awkward conversation of the day...
She returned and sat in the pew on the other side of the boys. “Did you have a good vacation?” she asked politely.
“It was wonderful. We were so overdue for a trip away, and neither of us had been south before. We’re thinking we might try to get away every year or so now.”
Maddy nodded. But there was no sense avoiding the topic. “I’m guessing you want to talk to me about Cole.”
Ellen met her gaze. “We had a long talk this afternoon.” She shook her head a bit and gave a soft chuckle. “I warned him away from you, you know. Not because I don’t like you, because I do. But every time I saw you I could see the hurt in your eyes and I knew losing Gavin had left some deep, deep scars. Particularly after certain things came to light.”
Maddy wished she could defend him now. It hurt that she couldn’t.
“But Cole has a thing for wounded birds.” She folded her hands in her lap. “One time when he was little I found him with a crow in his lap, thinking he could help nurse it back to health. It was deader than Moses and I was pretty disgusted and washed him from top to toe, but that’s the kind of kid he was. If there was a stray kitten, he wanted it for a barn cat.”
Maddy’s heart gave a pang. “One of the things I like about Cole is his kindness. And his gentleness.”
“I’m glad you see that side of him. So you must know that he’s hurting right now.”
“It’s only been a few weeks,” Maddy began, but Ellen shook her head.
“Cole’s funny that way. When he sets his mind on something, it’s a done deal. And when he sets his heart on something...or someone...well, there’s no halfway for him. He didn’t say it exactly, but I’m sure he’s fallen in love with you.”
“I know.”
The two words settled in the air between them.
“Maddy, I know finding out what you did about Gavin had to turn your world upside down. But loving someone means taking that risk that they’ll let you down. And I get you not wanting to take that chance again, but is it worth being alone? That is, if you care for Cole. Maybe his feelings aren’t returned in the same way.”
Maddy picked up a stuffed toy Liam had dropped and gave it back to him. “Ellen...”
She wanted to say more but she couldn’t. It was all too much right now. There were still people in the church, including Cole’s father, who was sitting patiently, reading some pamphlet or something in the very back pew. The lights were soft and the Christmas tree glowed and her boys were playing and she should have been happy. But she thought about Cole and all the moments they’d shared in the past weeks and her heart just hurt. She pictured his eyes when he teased her, heard the sound of his laugh. The way he looked when he wanted to kiss her.
She thought about all the things she’d said to him and what she’d accused him of and the pain intensified. She tried taking a breath and found herself letting out a sob. He had been kind, funny, sexy, loving, generous and understanding. So many good things. And Ellen was right. She didn’t want to be alone. She wanted more afternoons in the snow with the boys between them. Oh, he was so good with the boys. Another sob broke forth as she remembered Liam putting his arms up for Cole. Liam, her shy boy, who accepted him so easily. Who trusted and felt safe.
The way she did when she was in his arms.
And the way he kissed her as if she was the last woman on earth and making her toes curl.
And how he’d suggested that she might want more children someday. She did. She still wanted what she’d always wanted—a big family, a home of brothers and sisters and laughter and arguments...
And she had turned it all away not because he’d done anything wrong but for the simple reason that she was scared...and she’d blamed it all on a reason that didn’t even exist. Because he’d been too kind and too helpful.
Ellen held out a tissue. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Liam came over and crawled into her lap, offering quiet comfort the way she often offered it to him. Oh, her boys. And she knew without a shadow of a doubt that if she dropped her damned pride and fear for two seconds and asked Cole to comfort her, he’d be there as soon as humanly possible with a kiss and a strong shoulder for her to cry on.
Because Cole Hudson was the kind of man a woman could rely on.
“I’m sorry.” She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “I don’t know why that just happened.”
“Could it be because you miss my son almost as much as he seems to miss you?”
She met Ellen’s eyes. She recognized them. They were Cole’s—full of compassion and understanding. And steel, when required.
“You almost sound like you want me to say yes.”
“That’s because I do. You’re a good woman and a fine mother, Madison. You were always a nice girl. You seem down-to-earth and friendly and warm. My hesitation was because of exactly what happened. That you might not be ready for love. Yet, anyway.” She smiled, a sentimental little flicker across her lips. “Cole is like his father, you know. I knew when he fell, it’d be hard. That’s why we’ve been together for thirty-five years. And will be for many more, God willing.”
“I said some harsh things,” Maddy admitted. “I’m so scared, Ellen. And there are things you don’t know...”
“Of course there are. As there should be.”
Maddy took heart from that. “I don’t want to hurt him,” she continued on, holding Liam close. Luke had climbed down from the pew and was rummaging around in the diaper bag, his little white shirt untucked from his black pants. “Things happened so fast. It just scared me so much. I never imagined this happening.”
“Love can be like that. Maddy, I’m just asking for you to talk to him. Come home with me and talk to him and hear him out. If he cares about you like I think he does, and you care about him the way I think you do, you need to talk. And maybe try again.”
Ellen looked at the boys and her gaze softened even further. “And the twins...my word, they’re sweet. I wouldn’t mind having them around now and again. Will you do it, Maddy? It’s Christmas Eve. There’s no need for you both to be miserable.”
Could she do it? Go to Cole’s and ask for forgiveness for all she’d said?
Was she ready for that?
In the end she knew only one thing. If she didn’t try, she’d regret it. Because the idea of not trying to make things right with Cole felt so wrong.
She’d promised to stop living in the past. Start living in the present. And she’d failed. Maybe this was the first step she needed to take to finally, finally move on. Didn’t everyone deserve a second chance?
“I’ll come with you,” she agreed. “I can’t promise to make things right. But I promise to talk to him.”
“That’s all I ask. I think seeing you is the only Christma
s present he wants, to be honest.”
They collected Cole’s dad, packed up the diaper bag and put coats and hats on the boys. Maddy’s mom had left their car seats in the vestibule, and the five of them left just as the last members of the women’s group shut off the lights for the night.
Maddy sat in the back, in between the car seats, and politely asked about the vacation so that any potential awkward silence was filled with tales of the Caribbean. Nerves jumbled around in her stomach, wondering what she’d say to Cole, wondering what he’d say to her, wondering if she’d see him and all her words would just scatter at the sight of him. And Lord help her, there was anticipation, too. She wanted to see him again.
When she walked in the door—carrying Luke, with Liam in Ellen’s arms—it seemed as though the world stopped moving. Everything went silent. Tanner was in the kitchen getting something out of the fridge and he stopped, the fridge door open and the soda can forgotten in his hand. Cole was coming through the door from the mudroom, but he halted and simply looked at her, first with numb surprise and then with the slightest flicker of hope in his eyes.
Ellen was the first to speak. “Look who I found at church tonight?”
The three of them made their way inside. “Tanner, I wanted to take a quick look down at the barn and make sure everything’s secure for the night,” their dad said.
“I’ll come with you.”
There was no real pretense; everyone was on the same page with giving Cole and Maddy privacy to talk. Ellen undid Liam’s jacket and took off his mitts and Maddy figured she should do the same for Luke. And as she did Liam ran, stumbled his way over to Cole and lifted his arms joyously. “Bup! Bup!”
“Hey, little man,” he said softly, picking him up, and Maddy’s hands fell still on Luke’s jacket. “Aren’t you handsome tonight?”
Luke squirmed and she took off his jacket as Ellen disappeared to...somewhere. It was just the two of them—well, four of them. As soon as Luke was free, he, too, made his way to Cole, who sat down on the sofa and lifted them onto his knees.
“They missed you,” she said softly.
“The first time I met them they just stared at me,” he marveled. He bounced his knees up and down and the boys laughed. Cole smiled and Maddy silently thanked Ellen for urging her to come tonight.
“Cole...”
“My mom put you up to this, didn’t she?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “She pried a lot out of me this afternoon. Maddy, I’m sorry. You said time and time again that you weren’t ready and I didn’t listen. I pushed and drove you away. It’s my fault.”
She smiled. She couldn’t help it. This really wasn’t his fault, not at all. What he’d expected wasn’t all that unreasonable. She went to the sofa and sat beside him, taking one of the boys onto her own lap. “You’re a good person, Cole. Strong and kind.”
“It’s not that I’m afraid of working at a relationship. I know how to work hard. It’s like Tanner told me a while ago—when you find the one who’s worth it, then it takes work. It’s not going to be easy because it’s not supposed to be. And I got caught up in wanting everything right now.”
“You and the rest of society,” she commented. “But I wasn’t fair, either.” She debated on what she was allowed to tell him. She didn’t want to betray Laura’s confidence, especially if this wasn’t going to work out. But it was so tied up in her reasons that she couldn’t avoid it completely.
“Cole, I learned something recently that flipped everything I knew upside down. I’m not at liberty to explain a whole lot, but I learned that Gavin isn’t the father of Laura’s baby, and they weren’t having an affair. I believe the source.”
His mouth fell open. “Holy...wow. That’s big news. How do you feel?”
“Mixed up,” she admitted. “I realized that I was angry all these months, and I didn’t want to believe he’d done it, but there was this weird pressure on me to accept it. I was already poor Maddy. I would have been poor Maddy who still believes in her cheating husband.” It hurt to say it. She ran her hand over Luke’s soft hair. “I feel relieved that the faith I had in him wasn’t misplaced. And guilty because I let doubt get the better of me.” She laughed softly. “I feel a lot of things. But most of all, right now, I realize that I hid behind all of that to avoid admitting how I was feeling about you. Especially with Gavin being gone such a short time.”
“And me rushing you didn’t help.”
“Maybe, but you were so right about a lot of things.”
Maddy looked down. Both kids were getting drowsy. It was past their bedtime and they were getting good snuggles and it seemed they were ready to take advantage of it.
“You were right about some things, too, Maddy. Like how I shouldn’t have taken it upon myself to do all those things like I was some stupid white knight or something.”
“Those things have been the best part of my Christmas,” Maddy protested. “All the sweet surprises...no one has ever done anything like that for me before.” It was absolutely true. “And I was completely ungrateful.”
“They’ve been the best part of my Christmas, too,” he whispered. “Because I got to see your face light up or hear your voice and I knew that for a few minutes, I’d made you happy.”
Tears filled her eyes. “Oh, Cole.”
She leaned over and kissed him, just a light grazing of lips, but it was the beginning of healing and starting over.
She sat back, wishing she could curl up in his arms, but she couldn’t because they had the boys.
“Know what I discovered?” Now that they’d started, she felt the need to say everything. “I learned that saying you want to leave the past in the past is a lot easier than actually doing it. But it’s the actions that really count, not the words. I know now that you tried to show me you cared, Cole, instead of just telling me or paying me compliments. I wasn’t fair to you, but you stuck with it, anyway. And I’m so glad. Knowing the truth does change things, because you were right. It was me I didn’t trust.
“But I was right all along. My faith wasn’t misplaced. And I know, deep down, that Gavin would want me to be happy, to find love again and find someone who cares about the boys. And here you are. If you’re willing to give me another chance.”
She bit down on her lip. She’d been doing all the talking; she figured she had the most apologizing to do. But now the ball was in Cole’s court.
He reached over and put his hand on top of hers. “That is the easiest thing in the world to do,” he replied, squeezing her fingers. “And I promise I won’t rush you. I just want us to be together. We can take our time. I just want to be with you, whatever that looks like.”
Her heart soared. Never could she have imagined this happening, not even a few months ago. But it was Christmas Eve and maybe a time for miracles. A time for truly looking ahead instead of behind. All Maddy knew was that she felt more hopeful than she had in a long, long time, and it was all because Cole Hudson had turned up at the library one day and offered to help take out the trash.
The twins were nearly asleep, and Maddy knew she should get them home, but she couldn’t bear the thought of the evening being over just when they were getting somewhere. She looked into Cole’s eyes and found him waiting...patiently. And she found she suddenly didn’t want to be all that patient. She wanted to start on the next chapter of her life.
“Maybe you could drive us home?” she asked, swallowing against a lump in her throat. “And maybe you could stay awhile? Talk some more?” Truthfully, she thought she might like to do more than talk. Like kiss him some more without worrying about the kids between them or someone walking in.
The very idea sent whorls of anticipation coursing through her.
“Of course I can.”
“Your family won’t mind? It’s Christmas Eve.”
“They’ll probably send up a
cheer. I haven’t been very good company the last few days.” He smiled, and it had a sweet edge to it that she loved.
She put the boys’ jackets back on while he went to tell Ellen he was leaving. In no time they’d fastened the boys into the truck and made the trip into town and her house. She’d left the outside lights on, and when Cole cut the engine, Liam woke. Luke stayed asleep until she took him out of his seat, but then his eyes opened, too. Maddy unlocked the door and led the way inside, keeping the rooms dark.
“They really do need to get to bed,” she murmured. “I’ll get their jammies on.”
Cole followed her down the hall with Liam on his arm. “I’ll help.”
And he did. Maddy felt a strange new contentment as they got the boys ready together. She did the diaper change while Cole fastened up their onesies and dressed them in soft sleepers. When she got bottles ready for one last drink, he cradled one child in his arms and gave the bottle while she fed the other, the two of them on opposite sides of the sofa. Maddy looked over, saw his eyes shining at her in the dark, and melted. All she’d ever truly wanted was a partner and a friend. How blessed to have found one—twice. Because Cole was that guy. Even though their relationship was in the fledgling stage, she knew, deep down, that this was it.
Together they walked up the stairs and put the boys in their cribs, covering them with their blankets. When Maddy turned around, Cole held out his hand, and she took it, lacing her fingers with his.
Once in the hallway, she quietly shut the door, and then there was a moment where she had to decide. She could lead him back down the stairs to the living room, or ten feet down the hall to her bedroom. Indecision kept her feet rooted to the spot, but now that they were alone, Cole gently pulled her closer and cupped his hand along the curve of her jaw.
“I love you, Maddy. You don’t have to say it back—you don’t have to do anything. I just want you to know. I love you. I’m rapidly falling in love with your kids.” He smiled, then touched his lips to hers. “But right now, I’m more focused on you. You inspire me. You make me want to be a better man. I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but I promise I’ll do the best I can to make you happy.”
