“The part about the first kiss?” I asked.
“Yeah. That part.”
I moved closer to him, wrapping my arm into his again. “You have to know it wasn’t your fault. She did it to herself. If she wasn’t happy she could have told you. Maybe you could have gone to counseling, or worked it out. Blaming yourself for her actions is just ridiculous, Jensen. Don’t you see how convoluted it is? You didn’t kill her. She killed herself. “
“It doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Can I ask you something? It’s probably not a good time for it, but it’s nothing bad. I’m just curious.”
“Go ahead. You can’t hurt me any worse than I’m already feeling.” He laughed at himself. “I’m supposed to be the hero and here you are trying to help me keep it together.”
“When we were together you said it had been a long time for you. Was I the first person you’d been with since…”
He nodded before I was able to finish the sentence. “Yeah. I dated, but it was never physical, I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it, up until I met you. It’s probably why I went a little crazy at the end. I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel so good.”
“But we did, didn’t we? We felt great. It was intense. I mean, it was probably harder for you because you knew who I was the whole time, but for me it was awakening. I’d cut myself off from social situations for so long I couldn’t help myself. It was like I’d become like the wild animals living in the forest. I saw another human being and pounced.”
He looked over at me and concocted the best smile he could. “I’m glad you did. I can’t say I didn’t go through hell afterwards, but it was obviously one of the best things to happen since the …” He didn’t finish saying it. He didn’t have to.
“Sometimes I dream I’m back home and everything is the way it was. I wake up and look around only to realize where I am and how I got there. Every single time it happens I have to take a second and smile. Even if I tried to, I can’t forget them. They’re in here.” I pointed to my heart. “Forever.”
He stood up again, breaking the closeness between us. “I’ve said enough tonight. If it’s alright with you I’m going to head to bed. I’m sure you’d like some time to yourself. I’ll put more wood in the fire before I go. Thanks for listening to me, Amantha. I’m sorry our normal conversation got messed up. I keep telling myself I’m going to be fine. I just never expected this. I didn’t come back for this, and I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like I don’t deserve him.”
My eyes widened. I sat on my knees as I replied. “You feel like you don’t deserve Christopher? Why would you say that?”
“Look at how my life has turned out. I don’t even have a job.”
“We’re in Alaska, far away from your father-in-law or his opinions. You could apply here and go back to doing what you know. You could go back to saving people.”
He shrugged. “It’s not that simple.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I won’t sit here and listen to you say you aren’t worthy of your son. He’s innocent in all this. You think he gives a shit whether you have a job or not? I don’t work. I live off the money I got when my family died. I probably could have gotten more if I sued the railroad for pain and suffering, but I just wanted it to be over. I packed up everything I could and never looked back. Now I get a statement each month that says I’m earning interest. Eventually we’ll move into a larger home, one closer to schools and the city. For now I’m comfortable. It’s mine. I own it free and clear.”
“Can I live in your shed?” He teased.
I smiled and lifted both shoulders. “I wouldn’t recommend it.”
“I’m kidding.”
“You’ll figure it out.”
“I hope you’re right. The second I saw that little guy I knew I had to get my act together. I just need to know you’re okay with this. I need to know you’re not going to change your mind tomorrow. I’m not out to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I never did. I let my temper take control once.”
“Stop explaining. I won’t change my mind. It’s going to be a big change but I’ll put on some big girl pants and get through it.”
“We don’t have to love each other for our son to have both of his parents around. It’s not the olden days. We have a kid. It happens.”
“What if I’d like to date you?”
“We can’t date.” I was quick to answer.
He slouched a little when I said it. “Oh.”
“We can’t date because we live in the middle of nowhere. I’m not ready to jump back on the horse yet. Let’s see how things go in the next couple days. I think we both need to sort out our feelings. This is all new for me.”
“Amantha, can I ask you something?”
“Sure. I have nothing to hide.”
“When you found out you were pregnant, did you want to tell me? Did you try to find me?”
I nodded. “I tried to find Easton Pratt. I searched everywhere. I even tried looking at fire heroes in New York City, because you told me you worked there. I didn’t know what I was going to say to you, but I at least wanted you to know you left me with a present.”
His smile was reassuring. “I would have been there for you if I could have.”
“How did you get away from those criminals when you left my house?”
“I didn’t. When I got back they were gone. I don’t know how they made it down the mountain, but they managed. I waited until the next day to start walking. I got a few miles down the road before someone plowing stopped to give me a lift.”
“Did you think about calling the police?”
“I couldn’t. I knew they’d go to you and I feared you’d learn who I really was. You have to understand, being with you made me feel alive again. I was still riding on that high, too selfish to ruin it with little details that would make you hate me.”
“What I hated was hearing that my friends had been robbed and assuming you were involved. I thought I made a baby with a criminal.”
“Sorry about that. I can see how that would
be troubling.”
“I wondered if I’d slept with someone capable of horrific things.”
He laughed and said something with concern. “Damn. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t know I’d get pregnant, Jensen. It’s fine. It is what it is.”
For a few seconds we stood face to face. His eyes were fixed on mine, silently telling me the story of where he’d come from and how he longed to forget. “I better head up,” he managed to say while still focusing on me.
“Yeah, it’s getting late,” I agreed.
“I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Christopher wakes up early.”
He chuckled and shook his head. “What’s your middle name?”
“Lynn. Why would you ask me that? What’s yours?”
“Christopher.” He turned and walked up the steps, smiling cheek to cheek before leaving me there to take it in.
Chapter 16
I laid awake for the longest time, staring at my sleeping child beside me and wondering how I’d gotten to this point. His innocence in all this was something I had to keep reminding myself.
Jensen was back in my life. Our lives would be forever entangled first by the train wreck and now because of the beautiful little boy we shared. The revelations of our talk still lingered fresh in my mind, keeping me from being able to relax. Jensen, the tough protector who’d rescued me from a burning building had been corrupted by his own heart. He’d lived the past four years tormented by everything he’d never be able to change. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him it would be okay, but predicting the future wasn’t something I was any good at. Look at what I’d gone and done with my own life. I was a living, breathing, spectacular catastrophe. People wouldn’t believe my story if I showed them a live feed.
I wasn’t sure of the time. I knew it was in the wee hours of the morning because I’d been awa
ke for most of them. In my peripheral vision I saw a dark shadow in the doorway. Once my eyes focused I realized it was Jensen. He was standing with his arms folded watching us. I knew it was too dark in the room for him to see me looking back at him. Maybe I should have said something, but I didn’t want to risk waking Christopher. I expected him to leave, but he remained, never moving from the spot.
After everything we’d talked about my head was spinning. As angry as I’d been, it was obvious he needed my friendship more than I could have ever imagined.
I knew getting up would probably startle him, but I did it anyway, slipping slowly off the edge of the mattress. I turned to face the door, letting my arms fall to my sides while keeping my focus on the form of his body. For a few seconds I remained there, not because I was scared, but more because I knew what would happen if I moved forward. I couldn’t be selfish about my decisions anymore. I had to do what was best for my son; for our son. It was still difficult to remember Jensen needed to be included, all the more reason why walking toward him could lead us both down a road we weren’t prepared for.
I knew what had to be done; what would keep the peace between us even through hard times, but I couldn’t bring myself to climb back in that bed. One step turned into two, and then came three and four. Before I knew it we were face to face, close enough to see each other even in the pitch black. He stared down at me, never moving from his position. Both of my hands came up, my palms coursing over his cheeks. I kept them there, my eyes fixed on his. Finally I felt his arms relaxing, then slowly coming to sit on my hips. I let my hands fall down to his chest, keeping them flat against it. His fingers latched onto the elastic of my pajama pants, pulling me even closer. His warm breath blew over my lips, causing me to part them. I was hungry to feel his mouth pressing over mine. I wanted to relive what it was like to be with someone again; someone that I now shared an everlasting bond with.
His face inched toward mine, his eyes never closing as he narrowed in. His kiss was gentle, his lips remaining soft as they drug over mine. Then he held them there, silent and fragile. For a second I assumed he was changing his mind. Why else would he stop?
He picked me up with little effort and spun me around to lean against the doorframe. I wrapped my legs around his waist and fell into another kiss, this one more heated. His tongue coursed over mine, the taste of him familiar and welcoming. My hands fingered through his thick hair before taking a hold of the back of his head and forcing him even closer. My hunger only increased as our bodies began to heat up. Against his stomach my pussy throbbed. I hadn’t been with anyone since Jensen, and the idea of it happening again consumed me.
“I want you,” I whispered into our next kiss. “Take me to your bed.”
He let my feet touch the ground before he lifted my shirt over my head. Jensen leaned down and kissed the base of my neck, cupping both of my breasts as he worked his way lower. He drug his bottom lip over my belly button and played with the elastic of my pants. I felt them being shoved over my hips, stopping before they could pass my ass. He kissed the bone on either side and then brought his nose up to nuzzle across the fabric where my pussy sat. I let my head fall back, this minimal contact causing me to already lose control. He groaned, his deep voice vibrating off my skin.
He stood and looked into my eyes again, his voice broken and worrisome. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Jensen took a step back and took my hand. He closed the door so Christopher wouldn’t wake up and fall down the stairs. When he turned back to look at me I could see him better from the fire illuminating the room below us. He leaned forward, sucking my lips against his, before leading me down the steps, one at a time.
“This isn’t why I asked you here,” he said as he turned and kissed me again.
“Isn’t it though? Somewhere in the back of your mind you had to think about it.”
“Have you? Thought about it?”
I nodded and kissed him again. “I am right now. Tell me Jensen, are you as hot for me now as you were back then?”
His hand dug into my hair and I felt him pulling on it, controlling the way my head was positioned. “I can’t help from wanting you. You’re the only woman who has ever made me forget the pain. I crave reprieve and that’s what you represent to me; you’re a new beginning.”
“I can’t promise you anything else, Jensen. We’re both emotional. You coming back into my life is complicated. I don’t know where I want us to stand. All I know is that I want you like I’ve never wanted another. You gave me Christopher. Parts of me can’t deny that connection.”
“I didn’t come to your room to wake you.”
I pulled away so I could look at him and not want to savor his sweet lips. “Why did you?”
He sunk down on the couch and held out his arms for me to join him. He didn’t start talking again until I did it. “I keep thinking it’s all a dream. I had to make sure you were still here with me. He can’t be real. I don’t deserve him.”
I slid my hand up to his cheek. He leaned into it, closing his eyes as I did it. “He’s real. Trust me, I birthed him. My vagina will never be the same.”
He pulled me on top of him. “Let me be the judge of that.”
“It might be like the first time all over again,” I teased. “Do you think you can handle it?”
“I’ll try to keep up.”
I snickered against his mouth. “You better. I expect a repeat performance, and then another after that.”
“I’m pretty sure I remember a shower and the best head of my life. Is that in the cards for me tonight?”
I grinded my body, digging my crotch against the center of his pants. “It’s very possible.”
Jensen ran his hands up the front of my chest, underneath the wire to my bra. My boobs popped out, and in no time at all he was sucking on one of my nipples while pinching the other.
I don’t know about anyone else, but after being abstinent for a good amount of time the mere brush of someone else’s body causes an intense reaction. The fact that his lips were attached to my breast only heightened the situation. My body arched as a soft moan escaped me. Being with Jensen had nothing to do with sexual deprivation. I wanted him. I wanted his hands on me, his lips kissing me, and his thick cock inside of me.
I reached down and started fidgeting with his pants, eager to break his stiff package free.
“In a hurry,” he asked.
“Yeah, take off your pants while I get on my knees. I want you in my mouth.”
Apparently when a woman says something like that to a man he reacts quickly, as if he’s on a time limit. If only they did it for other reasons instead of sexual gratification. Once his jeans were around his ankles I yanked them off. He lowered his boxers, allowing me to remove them the same way. His rigid cock bounced up, catching my immediate attention. I licked my lips and narrowed in on the prize, letting go of all the reasons being with him was a terrible idea. As soon as I took him into my mouth I savored the smooth feel of his long shaft against my tongue. While my saliva traveled down the circumference, I sucked on the very tip, sticking my tongue in his little hole. He breathed in a bout of air only to exhale it out loudly. His hands dug into the fabric on the couch as I bobbed my head, taking him in as far as my throat would allow. The back of my hand located his balls. They were warm to the touch and also hard, reminding me how much he needed an explosive outcome.
While I continued savoring his awesome bulge, my hand traveled up his hairy inner thigh. I let my fingernails tickle the sides while I continued with the same rapid pace of sucking. His palm landed on the top of my head and soon I could feel him grabbing a bunch of my hair in order to control my movements. He pushed me down on his supple cock further, causing me to gag. He did it again and again, getting off on the fact that I was still managing his large size.
I could tell he was close. I knew his release would be an explosion of pent up fulfillment, so I pulled away, diving down lower to lick up the center part
of his balls. I drug my tongue up the back of his shaft and spit on the tip, dragging my saliva around before sucking his length back in between my hungry lips.
His cock jerked, Jensen’s ass lifting off the sofa when it became to much to handle. I could taste his salty release as it shot against my tonsils, causing me to swallow immediately. I kept my lips tightly surrounding him until I knew he was spent, and then I backed away, wiping my face and waiting to be equally rewarded.
While he leaned back to take a second for himself, I dropped my pajama pants, kicking them off of my ankles one at a time. My breasts were already underneath my bra from him playing with them earlier, so I unfastened the clasp and dropped it beside me. Standing naked in front of him made me feel empowered. He took me in, inch by inch, his eyes making a trail as they moved. I spread my legs and reached one hand up to graze over my right nipple. It was hard already, but tingled as I made contact. With slow movement, I glided the back of my hand down my abdomen until I reached the base of my pussy. I circled over it, keeping my eyes focused on him watching me. “Is this what you want? Do you remember how I taste?”
He took his cock in his hand, limp and lying to the side, then began slapping it against his skin as if to wake it up quicker. “I think you need to get over here so I can be reminded.”
Instead of following his directions, I motioned with my finger for him to come to me. Then I backed up until I was closer to the area rug in front of the fire. I got down on my knees and then laid on my back, my pussy the first thing in his view. Like a wild animal he crouched down and came toward me, sliding his hands up my thighs until he was positioned between my legs. “Your pussy is already wet.”
Frigid Affair Page 12
