“Baby rats,” I replied. “My baby rats. Your kittens come a close second. You’re going to see my apartment and freak out.”
“We’re not even going to be bothered with your apartment except to photograph it and clear it out,” my boss announced.
Yep. Royals could always be trusted to go overboard, myself included. “I’m okay with this. My laundry is on the floor, it’s a sty, and I’d probably die of embarrassment if you went into it right now.”
“We’ll have to go in to get your things and take pictures,” Ethan said, rising to his feet and keeping watch over Nora, who opened the cage, somehow managed to contain the excited wave of kittens and rats hurrying to greet her, and snagged both black kittens. “There are a lot of kittens and rats in that cage.”
There really was. I tried counting the rats but gave up due to the mass of gray and white bodies romping with the kittens, who were all larger than them. “I’m more amazed the cats and the rats are getting along so well.”
Nora emerged from the back area with both black kittens, and she handed them to Ethan, likely to keep him busy and out of trouble. The lusty prince fell for their feline charms, and within a minute, they had him wrapped around their tiny paws.
“And we’ve lost Ethan,” my boss muttered.
“I’ll just go check out while he indulges in his new status as a home invader to visit my cats.” Shaking my head, I grabbed my cart of rat supplies and beelined for the nearest register. I got out my wallet, grabbed my Montana-issued bank card, and slapped it onto the counter. “Take my money, Nora!”
“No. I’m taking Hadrian’s money, and I’m charging him an extra fifty percent for dragging me out of bed early,” the woman replied.
I returned my card to my wallet. “Thank you, sir.”
“Well played, Nora.” Hadrian took my place, pulled out a card from his wallet, and handed it over. “I’m making my brother pay for this, as it’s his fault I’m indulging my nephew and finally letting him get kittens. The extreme measures required to make this happen are distressing, and I’m feeling rather disturbed I’ve taken advantage of one of my employees in this situation.”
“The appropriate step is to acknowledge the boy likes the girl, encourage the RPS agents to move the boy in with the girl, and let the boy and the girl do whatever they want while I storm the congress and make sure they leave the boy alone.”
“I could kidnap him and take him somewhere they’d never expect.” I would, too.
None of my brothers or sisters would ever allow themselves to show so much affection in public, and two kittens had reduced Ethan into a loving mess.
“Kidnapping is illegal, Rachel,” my boss scolded. “Although I appreciate your concerns for my nephew’s sanity. If he were one of his brothers, I might’ve even helped you with your little scheme.”
“Help him anyway. He has brothers. One of them can take over. A reluctant king forced into a marriage he doesn’t want is how you get another New York.”
The silence that greeted my statement jarred me into the realization I’d made a mistake, one that could ruin everything for me.
Nora recovered first, and she smiled at me. “You, young lady, are the wisest woman I’ve ever had the honor of meeting. If these old goats won’t help you cart off a handsome young prince for a well-deserved escape, I will—and I’ll tango with the entire congress to help make it happen.”
“I was going to light their toupees on fire,” I confessed.
“There’s no reason you can’t do that.”
“Well, there is. I’m a refugee. They’d never let me into the building. The guards would probably kill me—or deport me if I happened to survive.”
Nora scowled. “Hadrian, I’m charging you seventy-five percent because I’m angry over this fact.”
“Just double the bill, Nora. I’m sure I’ll have committed enough crimes to warrant it in the next ten minutes anyway—not that I’m paying the bill. Actually, quadruple it, so when my brother gets the bill, I can tell him he’s the reason his son would rather test his luck with a refugee than rule California.”
“I don’t feel like I’m qualified to participate in this discussion,” I confessed.
“Rachel, the entire kingdom is so desperate for Ethan to notice anyone that his interest in your legs qualifies you alone,” my boss replied.
Wow. “California has really low standards.”
“When it comes to him and any hope of an heir? We really do. I don’t know what sort of spell you cast over him, but keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. I’ve determined there’s hope for him after all.”
I pulled out my phone and texted Terry with my concern the Californian royal family needed therapy even more than I did.
A moment later, my phone rang.
“Hey, Mr. Rat Guy,” I answered.
“Why do you think the Californian royal family needs therapy?”
“I’m not sure I should answer that question because I’m standing next to one of them, and he’s buying the supplies for my new pets. I might be adopting a human to go with my two new kittens.”
“You’re doing what with who and you have two new what?” Terry bellowed.
I held my phone away from my ear and grimaced. “I don’t think my rat guy is happy with my new acquisitions.”
“Well, you did say you’re adopting a human, Rachel. That’s not normal. It’s not wrong, since you’ll be holding his kittens hostage, but it’s a rather alarming statement.”
I blinked, realizing he was correct. “Oh. Right.” Returning the phone to my ear, I said, “We’ll be there as soon as we convince the guy with the kittens to come out of the store. He has more issues than I do.”
“I find that highly improbable.”
Damn, my RPS agent had me outclassed in all ways. “Hey, sir? Is it okay if I tell my rat guy there are two royals fighting over me?”
“I think you just did,” my boss replied, his tone amused.
“Oh, right. Hey, Mr. Rat Guy? There are two royals fighting over me.”
“I’m genuinely afraid to ask, Rachel. You’re supposed to be avoiding attention, not basking in it.”
“I know, but they’re fighting over me.”
“I can guess why. Would you like my opinion?”
“Actually, yes.”
“If you toss the younger one a bone, you probably won’t be able to get rid of him. The kittens are only a temporary distraction.”
“I shaved his arms with my talent, and he liked it.”
“Damn it, Rachel!”
“What? He wanted a demonstration. I just did what he asked me to.”
“You were flirting with him, weren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely,” Terry muttered. “Could you possibly make this situation any worse?”
I narrowed my eyes, turning my attention to Ethan. “Give me five minutes and some motivation.”
“Please, no.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Rachel, but this is the most fun I’ve had in years. Go ahead and take the five minutes, and consider this your motivation,” my boss said.
My life had gone from a disaster straight to uncharted but glorious waters. “That’s so cool. Did you hear that, Mr. Rat Guy?”
“With unfortunate clarity,” Terry replied.
“Hey, Ethan!” I called, wondering if I’d earn the prince’s attention.
He strolled over while still cuddling with his two kittens. “What is it, Rachel?”
“Marry me and let’s bust this joint. We’ll run away to Europe and never be seen again. We’ll have to steal a boat because they won’t let us take a bunch of rats and two cats across the borders without some major vetting and quarantine efforts, so we’ll have to smuggle them—and us—over. We’ll have a great time.”
“Rachel, have you lost your mind?” Terry demanded. “That’s—”
“I see absolutely no reason why not,” Ethan replied. “Hadrian, I thin
k I’m going to go smuggle myself to Europe. That’s legitimately the best idea I’ve heard in years, and the company’s good for once in my fucking life.”
I didn’t understand why Ethan had opted to shout the words, but I had no doubt Terry had heard him.
“Wait, no. You need to see the doctor flying in from North Dakota first, Rachel. After she’s seen to you, you’ve picked up your rats, and I’ve made Uncle Hadrian pay for your new condo, then we’ll put together a smuggle plan to escape to Europe.”
“Well, at least one of you has some sense of priorities,” Terry muttered. “Please show up at the vet’s soon, Rachel. I’m not sure I’m going to get through today without a heart attack if you keep pulling this on me.”
“Hey, Mr. Rat Guy?”
“When you ask me questions, my blood pressure spikes, and I break into a cold sweat.”
“Want to move to Europe? I need a good rat guy around.”
“I’m going to regret this within ten minutes, but if you really manage to pull it off, yes. If you’re going to go off the deep end, someone has to keep an eye on you.”
“You’re the best rat guy a woman could ask for. Now, guard my babies with your life. We’ll be there soon.” I hung up. “I think we disturbed my friend.”
“Rachel, you just asked the heir to a throne to marry you and run away to Europe. You told your rat guy you were talking to royals, and there’s only one royal named Ethan in California. The heir. Anyone would be alarmed by that,” my boss said.
“Except you, apparently.”
“I’m old. I’m not blind or stupid. My nephew was looking at your legs like a pregnant woman eyes a jar of unclaimed pickles.”
The crude remark stunned me into silence, and I stretched a leg so I could look at it. “You think so?”
“Don’t sound so doubtful, dear.” Nora slapped the counter. “Ethan, tell her he’s right.”
“How high up do jars of unclaimed pickles rank in the eyes of pregnant women?” Ethan’s brows furrowed, and he adjusted his hold on his kittens. “I thought ice cream ranked higher.”
Both royal men gave Nora their undivided attention.
The old woman sighed. “Ethan, I can understand your ignorance about this, but you, Hadrian? You have how many children?”
“Too many. The only thing consistent about her pregnancies was the pickles. At one point, I had to go to five different grocery stores because I didn’t get the right pickles. They weren’t big enough, the wrong brand, or they were too close to their expiration date. It was a horror show, Nora. Never come between a pregnant woman and her pickles.”
Nora shook her head, swiped Hadrian’s card, and passed him the terminal. “You should have just said he was attracted to her, Hadrian. She’s a pretty girl, so I’m proud of his taste, and it’s obvious she likes animals, so she’s scoring top points for being a genuinely good person.”
I wished I could view life in such a simple way. Then it occurred to me Nora thought I was pretty. With wide eyes, I stared at her, wondering if I should tell her she needed a therapist, too.
“You’re pretty,” Nora announced, not even sparing me a glance. “You don’t need to be a model to be pretty, and shame on whoever convinced you that you’re ugly.”
“What on Earth?” I blurted.
“She’s a leech,” Hadrian informed me. “We have an infestation of them here.”
Oh, shit. I gulped. Why did all the leeches have to haunt me? What had I done to offend the universe? Why? Why? Why?
“Young lady, don’t you be at all ashamed! Our Ethan here is a handsome young man, and pretty young ladies like you are supposed to be interested in handsome young men. That’s how these things work. However, Ethan’s usually much more reserved, so I’m surprised how interested he is in you, but he’s got no skills at hiding his emotions. I’ll blame the kittens, because he’s wanted kittens since the day he was born. He’s going to follow you and your kittens like a love-sick puppy.”
“Nora,” Ethan protested in a weak voice.
“What part of that wasn’t true?” she challenged.
Ethan opened his mouth, but then he snapped it close again. After taking a moment, probably to regain his composure, he said, “The congress…”
“Can go suck a dick,” the old woman announced.
Okay. I could handle a little old lady suggesting California’s congress should go suck a dick. I could handle it without laughing. I covered my mouth to help my cause.
“Go ahead and laugh, dear. You don’t have to choke yourself trying to stay polite. Lord help us all, that congress is going to drive our Ethan mad at the rate they’re crying because he’s not hitched and having his woman pop out babies every nine months. It’s certainly not Ethan’s fault he has standards and the congress does not. If the congress would lift the limitations on who they think Ethan should marry, he would likely already be married. Or at least actively seeking someone. Maybe I do need to go pay the congress a visit and set them straight.”
“Or just set them on fire and replace them with sensible people,” I muttered.
“Rachel, you can’t set them on fire,” Ethan informed me.
I rolled my eyes. Since Nora had gone the crude route without anyone complaining, I’d follow her example. “If they wouldn’t try to dictate who you stick your dick into, then I wouldn’t want to set them on fire.”
“It concerns me she’s quite serious,” Nora said. “Also, you scored full points for effective crudity. Excellent. This is what honesty looks like, gentleman. As you’re not empaths, she is genuinely upset by this conversation.”
“I’ll just tell them no, just like I did last week, the week before, and the week before that. It’s a ritual, except instead of going in today to tell them no, I’ll push it off to another day.”
“Or you can call them, inform them you’re going on a date with a pretty refugee, and that you’re considering leaving the kingdom if they don’t stop bothering you,” Nora suggested.
“I think she should run the kingdom, Ethan,” I said. “She’d do a good job. First, she can wrangle a bunch of kittens and rats in the same cage and make them all get along. That takes some serious diplomacy skills. She’s capable of speaking in complete, coherent sentences. Just tell them you’re giving her your job and leave.”
Ethan frowned. “I’m supposed to say it doesn’t work like that, Rachel.”
“The first step is acknowledging that what you’re supposed to do won’t provide you with the result you’re looking for.” I eyed my massive pile of purchases, which took up way too much space in two carts. “Actually, the first step is to get these into an SUV so we can go pick up my babies.”
“If I went with Nora’s idea, you’d be put directly in the line of fire, Rachel.”
“I’m a refugee. They probably wouldn’t know how to navigate the refugee system to figure out who I was to save their lives or prevent their heir from moving into some random chick’s condo.”
Ethan whirled and locked onto Vince. “Vince?”
“She’s not wrong. It would change how we would have to operate your detail, but we are not required to report your general movements to the monarchs. If you were to decide to follow her home and not leave at the appropriate hour, it’s none of our business. We only care if she does anything nefarious to your person.”
“Define nefarious for me, please,” California’s heir requested.
“Kill you, do bodily harm, or attempt to relocate you without your permission.”
“And should I want to relocate her?”
“Generally, we are required to make attempts to prevent you from breaking any laws. That said, she is a refugee. She has limited rights, and she can be relocated by government officials without her consent. You are a government official, so all you would have to do is notify her you’re using her for official business, and she has zero recourse.”
I didn’t appreciate the RPS agent spouting the truth about my general situation. “While th
at’s true, did you have to actually tell them? I like when the government officials forget that’s an option.”
“It is part of our job to protect our principal’s interests and maintain legalities.”
Damn, Ethan’s RPS agents must have been trained by the same jerks who’d taught Terry to be so feisty. “Three bedrooms isn’t sufficient if there’s going to be a bunch of RPS agents trying to live in my home.”
“We would take a rotating shift for duty, ma’am; only one or two of us would be present at a time, and we would not be sleeping while on duty. We do try to preserve as much privacy for our principals as possible. There are benefits for you as well. People of interest are observed for their protection.”
That could help my cause a lot; if California’s RPS was keeping an eye on me, New York’s bounty hunters would have a major challenge on their hands. New York would face a lot of consequences if their bounty hunters hurt—or killed—RPS agents from another kingdom.
“I’m willing to hide him in whatever apartment or condo I live in, even my closet.”
Ethan looked me over. “I’m worried you actually live in a closet.”
“You’ll see soon enough, especially if we pick up Snookums and Flamingo and take them to see this vet.”
“Let’s get the SUVs packed. I need to see your apartment for myself.”
Goodbye, pride and dignity. I’d miss both, but at least I’d be able to say I’d managed to lure a Californian prince home with me.
There was no way everyone would fit into my apartment, and a brief but intense scuffle took place in the hallway. The RPS agents snarled and snapped at each other, and I considered sticking around and making bets on the winner. I favored Vince, as he’d dived in for his right to accompany Ethan with the greatest enthusiasm. Ethan ignored their displeasure, following at my heels for his introduction to refugee living quarters.
I made it all of five steps inside before he announced, “Hell fucking no.”
The prince’s profanity-infused outburst startled me into halting. “What? This one isn’t too bad. There haven’t been any new rat roommates I have to keep away from my girls or care for.” I lifted my chin, took the battered ruins of my pride and dignity on a walk, and retrieved my cat carrier from beneath the bed so I could pack Snookums and Flamingo up for a trip to the vet. I also got out two walnuts to reward them for the trip, opened their cage, and took my babies out. As always, I showered them with kisses and affection before placing them on my shoulders. “There’s not much to see, but feel free to explore.”
Cold Flame Page 16
