by Linda Warren
Rachel kissed the top of Zane’s head and said, “Your dad’s here and I have to get back to class.”
“Did they tell you what happened?”
“Yeah. Are you okay?” He looked Zane over to see if he had bruises or scratches on his face or arms.
“Yes. You told me to never fight unless it was necessary and it wasn’t. I can hurt Dudley with words. He’s an idiot. He thinks he’s going to win the race, but he’s not. You and Uncle Quincy said I have the fastest horse.”
Jude squeezed his son’s shoulder. “Son, we believe that Bear is fast, but a lot of things can happen in a race and I want you to be prepared for that.”
“Okay, Dad. But Bear can win.”
Jude squatted in front of his son. “I will be there supporting you all the way. I want you to do something for me, though.”
“What?”
“I want you to stop bragging about Bear at school. At home, that’s different. We’ll let Bear do all the talking on race day.”
Zane winked. “Gotcha, Dad.”
Sharon opened the door. “The principal will see you now.”
Jude stood. “Are you ready?”
“I’ve never been to the principal’s office before.” For the first time a note of anxiety entered Zane’s voice.
Jude patted his son’s back. “It won’t be so bad.”
As they walked toward the principal’s office, Zane asked, “Did you ever have to go to the principal’s office?”
“Yep. Your uncle Phoenix got me into a lot of trouble with his antics.” And Paige. They’d been caught kissing in his truck after the bell had rung and had been sent to the principal’s office. He wouldn’t share that, though.
“Did you get punished?”
“Not as much as we got punished at home. We couldn’t go anywhere on Saturday or Sunday. We had to work.”
“Are you going to punish me?”
“No, son. The principal will take care of all that.”
The meeting was short. Zane was sent back to class and told all talk of the race was off-limits in school. Dudley was sent to a classroom by himself to read alone and think about what he’d done.
Jude sat outside in his truck for a while reflecting on those days of long ago. He and Paige had been too young to get involved so seriously. But no one could have told them that at the time. Even so, Jude would never regret having Zane. He wasn’t going to apologize to Paige for going back to get him, either. That was his decision and he would stand by it to the day he died.
He started the engine. Now he had to tell Zane’s mother about her son. It would be one of the hardest things he would ever have to do.
*
PAIGE CHANGED OUT of her suit into jeans, a T-shirt and sneakers. They were cleaning out the house and it was dirty work. Dust and cobwebs were everywhere, emphasizing all the pain and sorrow that had happened within the walls.
“Hey, the refrigerator still works. How about that?” Staci diligently wiped it out with bleach and water. Staci had had the electricity turned on days ago so they could work. They had two weeks and they planned to repaint inside and out to make it attractive to a buyer.
The house was a nice three-bedroom two-bath brick home their mother had bought with the insurance money from her parents’ death. Or more to the point, Uncle Harry, Darlene’s guardian, had bought it for them. Uncle Harry and Aunt Nora had lived next door and they had been a godsend when they were growing up. Uncle Harry had died when Paige was fifteen. And Nora had followed six months later. For the first time the three Wheeler children were alone in the world. But Luke had already joined the army and that left just Staci and Paige and their mother.
Uncle Harry’s house had been willed to the three children, but Darlene had sold it and made them sign the papers. With the money, she’d bought a new car and a used one for Staci. She’d blown the rest on frivolous stuff. They didn’t live that far from the school and after Staci graduated and went to work, Paige walked to school. But after she fell in love with Jude, he always picked her up.
Jude.
He’d gotten her through high school. He’d gotten her through so much of her horrendous life. And then…
“How did your talk go with Jude?” Staci asked, frowning at the pan of dirty water from cleaning the fridge. “We can keep our cold drinks in here while we’re working and that’s probably it. The owners will probably dump it.”
“We didn’t get to talk much. He got a call from the school about his son and he left quickly.”
“Did he say anything about his son or his wife or girlfriend?”
“No, and I really don’t want to know. I just want him to go with me to talk to Mrs. Carstairs.”
Staci stopped what she was doing to look at Paige, who was throwing items from the cabinets into a big trash can. “Kiddo, do you think that’s the best decision? It’s been a long time and it might be best for you, for everyone, to let it go.”
“I can’t, Staci. I need answers to go on.” Paige leaned against the cabinet. “I’ve made so many bad decisions and I know I can’t go back and change that. But to go forward I have to feel good inside about what happened. I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen, but I know I have to have some answers.”
“Did Jude say he would go with you?”
“He didn’t say much of anything, but that’s Jude. He doesn’t talk much. He said he would come by here when he got through at school and I’m going to ask him again.”
Staci closed the refrigerator and wiped her hands on her jeans. “I don’t mean to hurt you, but how is knowing you had a son or daughter going to help you feel any better? The baby is still gone. I think it’s time you face that. That’s the only thing that’s going to give you closure. Just be grateful you gave the child a life and probably a very good one with a nice family who’s spoiling the devil out of it.”
“But I’ll never know.” A sob clogged her throat and she took a moment to get her emotions under control. “It was so important to me to leave Horseshoe and Darlene behind that I couldn’t see I was also leaving the most important part of me behind. Looking back, I get so mad at Jude for not speaking up and saying that we couldn’t give the baby away. But he never said anything and now…”
“What difference would that have made?”
“What?”
“You were all set to go to Berkeley. What would you have done with the baby?”
“I don’t know!” Paige wailed. “I just…”
“Oh, honey.” Staci stepped over the junk on the floor and hugged Paige. “You’ve got to sort all this out and let go or you’re never going to have any peace.”
Paige wiped away a tear. “I should’ve talked to you. I should’ve talked to someone other than the counselor.”
“Why didn’t you? I know I was working a lot, but I’ve always been here for you. I never dreamed you were pregnant. You never shared that.”
“Darlene… She said I would never amount to anything. I would wind up pregnant and living off welfare. I just couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t…”
“Honey, you need to see a therapist or something. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to deal with this. Jude can’t help you. He’s moved on and has a life of his own now. I’ll look for someone in Austin. Someone who you can trust and confide in and who has answers that can help you.”
“I’m leaving in two weeks. I have to get back to my job. To my life. I’ll be fine. It’s just hard coming back here and facing the biggest mistake of my life.”
Luke came in from the back door, interrupting them. “I have the truck loaded down with junk from the backyard. I’m taking it to the dump. I can take a few more things.”
“There are several bags of trash,” Staci said. “I’ll help you load it.”
Paige continued to wipe down the cabinets, her thoughts tumbling around like clothes in a dryer, round and round. She stopped as one thought became clear. There was no way to make her feel better. No counselor cou
ld do it. Jude couldn’t do it. It was something Paige had to deal with on her own. Keeping a secret locked up inside for so long hadn’t helped her. Her brother and sister were shocked at her actions. Paige was, too. There was a mixed-up young girl somewhere deep inside Paige whom she had to forgive. That was her magic. She had to forgive herself. And she had to let go of her child and let it have the life that she had given it. There was no way to go back.
And she had to stop blaming Jude.
She drew a jagged breath as the truth of that ran through her system. She had to forgive herself. That was her saving grace.
Staci came in. “Luke said when he gets back, he’s going to mow the yard and start scraping the trim on the outside of the house. And you and I can start on the inside. But first we have to go into Temple to buy some paint.”
“Do you mind if I stay here? I don’t want to miss Jude.” She wanted to apologize for her crazy actions earlier. There was no way Mrs. Carstairs would give her any information and she now understood that. She wanted her child protected at all costs. That was the only thing she could give it now.
“Paige…”
“I’m okay. We just need to talk. To say goodbye for good and I’ll wish him well. We have a connection that will never be broken.”
Staci eyed her. “You seem better.”
“I’ve come to my senses. I can’t go back.” She shrugged. “I guess I was trying to rewrite the past. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do that?”
“Mmm.” Staci grabbed her purse. “I’ll see you later.”
After Staci left, Paige started wiping baseboards and windowsills, basically ridding the house of all the dirt collected over the years. The bathrooms were a nightmare, but they were sparkling clean when Paige finished. Suddenly, the sound of a truck hummed from outside.
Jude.
Chapter Five
As he stared at the brick house, the past swelled around Jude once again. He’d lost track of the number of times he’d sat out here in his truck waiting for Paige. Most of the time she would come running out the door with her mother screaming behind her. The woman would be yelling vile things like “You’re nothing but a slut sleeping around with that boy” or “If you get pregnant, you’re on your own. I’m not taking care of any more brats.”
Paige would get in his truck crying and he’d drive somewhere private so he could hold her until she felt better. Their whole relationship had been about making each other feel better. Jude had been dealing with a lot of emotion from his dad’s death and being with Paige had eased his turmoil. It had to have been the saddest relationship on record. For once Jude wanted to feel some happiness and not wake up every morning with a giant knot in his stomach. Today he would start that process, because he was tired of feeling guilty and tired of all the stress. He wanted a life—for him and his son.
He got out and walked through the weeds to the front door. The dirty tan trim paint was peeling and he could see a lot of work needed to be done on the house. But homes were always in demand in Horseshoe and they shouldn’t have a problem selling the place. Before he could knock, Paige opened the door and he stood completely still as the sight of her blindsided him once again.
Her hair was up in a ponytail, her green eyes vivid, and she wore jeans and a T-shirt, just like that girl of long ago. Dust lingered on her hair, her face and her clothes, and she’d never looked more beautiful. He grew weak from the sight, for he’d felt sure he was over Paige. They just had to talk about Zane. That was it. Wasn’t it?
“Come in,” she said, opening the door wider.
He followed her into a bright green kitchen with faded green gingham curtains. He’d been in the house only a couple of times. The wood table and chairs were still in the middle of the kitchen and she sat down, as did he, placing his hat on the table.
“Is everything okay with your son?” she asked as if she knew his son well.
“Yes. Everything’s fine.” But everything wasn’t. He struggled once again with words.
“I’d offer you something to drink, but we don’t have anything yet. Staci will probably bring something later.”
“Thanks, I’m fine.” He looked around the bare room. “Luke and Staci not here?”
“No, Luke’s taken a load of trash to the dump ground and Staci’s gone into Temple to get paint and supplies.”
Privacy. Exactly what they needed.
“Luke has really filled out and Staci looks different, just like you.”
“Yeah, we survived.” Her mouth turned up at the corners.
“Life was a little crazy back then.”
“Yeah.” Paige brushed dust from her jeans. “How’s your family?”
“Great. Leah came back and now she and Falcon have a year-old son.”
Paige’s eyes lit up. “That’s wonderful. Everyone was so worried about her.”
“It’s a long story, but Falcon, Leah and the kids are all happy now.”
“A happy ending,” she murmured with a sad undertone.
“Quincy’s married, too,” he said to change the subject. “He married Jenny Walker.”
She lifted her eyes to his. “Jenny? She dated Paxton, but I don’t think he was as serious about her as Jenny was about him.”
“She finally figured that out and fell in love with Quincy. And, of course, Egan married Rachel and they’re expecting their first child.”
“That was a surprise.”
“To everyone.” Jude relaxed, as he always did when talking to Paige. It was something they did really well.
“And your mom and grandpa?”
“Mom is fine, running the ranch, and Grandpa is Grandpa. Grouchy some days and loving the next. He’s getting a little senile and we keep close tabs on him. Elias lives with him and has taken up most of the responsibility.”
“Elias?” A bubble of laughter left her throat and he was captivated. “He’s the most irresponsible brother, as I remember. Always eager to fight.”
“Now, don’t bad-mouth Elias. He’s changed a lot. He works hard and he plays hard, but he’s there if you need someone.”
“I think that’s a Rebel tradition.”
“Yeah.” He stared into her warm eyes and couldn’t look away. Where was his willpower?
“Where are Paxton and Phoenix?”
“They’re on the rodeo circuit, winning and making money and enjoying life.”
“That sounds like them. They’ll probably never settle down.”
“Probably not. They have wanderlust in their blood.”
“Unlike you.” She held his gaze and he was getting bogged down in an attraction he desperately wanted to deny.
“I’ll never leave the ranch. That’s just me.” For some reason, he felt a need to say that. It wasn’t clear in his mind why, but the words were important to him.
“Does everyone live on the ranch?”
“Yep. As I said, Elias lives with Grandpa in Grandpa’s house, and Falcon and Leah and their kids live in the old family house. Paxton, Phoenix and Jericho, a friend of Egan’s, live in the bunkhouse, Quincy and Jenny are building a new house, and Egan and Rachel live in a house they’ve renovated.”
“Where do you live?”
All the warm feelings disappeared and a cold ball of reality slammed into his stomach. He had the urge to shift nervously, but he’d outgrown that behavior. But the inclination lingered.
“My son and I live with Mom in the big house.” The words tasted like dust on his tongue and he hated that reaction. He had nothing to be ashamed of. He had to remain strong.
Her green eyes were puzzled and he could almost see the questions gathering in her mind. “How about you? Are you in private practice or do you work for a hospital?”
Her head was bent as she stared down at something on her jeans and for a moment he thought she wasn’t going to answer. “I was going to lie, but I’m tired of lying and I’m tired of secrets. I’m still in my medical residency. I have about three months before taking the Medical Li
censing Exam.”
“What? But it’s been—”
“I know how long it’s been, Jude.” She got up and walked to the kitchen window and looked out into the backyard. “As I told you earlier, I cried all the way to California and I cried for days after. Actually, I couldn’t stop crying for two months. I couldn’t go to class. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t do anything but sink into a well of depression.”
Jude hadn’t been expecting this and it took a few seconds for him to understand what she was saying. As per his old nature, he didn’t say anything, because he had a feeling she had a lot more to get off her chest.
“I lost my scholarship and got kicked out of the dorm. I had nowhere to go and—”
“Why didn’t you come home?” The words burst out, as he could no longer stay quiet.
“To what? To my mother saying she was right? The criticism and the shame was just something else I couldn’t handle.”
He clamped his jaw tight to keep the words in. He had to give her time to say everything she needed to.
“I had to go to a homeless shelter and they had toys there for children. I latched on to a teddy bear with a plaid ribbon around its neck. I clung to it day and night and I prayed it was my child. I think I had a nervous breakdown, but I was never diagnosed. I just lay in bed holding that teddy bear. Holding on to it was the only thing that kept me anchored.”
“Paige…”
“The counselor came in two to three times a week to talk to people to try to inspire them to get jobs and to take control of their lives. She took an interest in me and I will forever be grateful for that. She listened to all my pain and she cried with me and she gave me hope. I told her my dreams and she said I could still have my dreams, but I told her my dream was not worth anything without my baby.” Her voice wavered on the last word and Jude’s stomach constricted so tight he couldn’t breathe.
He cleared his throat. “You had ten days to change your mind. Did you forget that?”
She turned from the window and wiped away tears. “By the time I could tell her everything, ten days were long past and I had to accept that what I’d done was final, just like it was the day I left.”
