by Shey Stahl
Nodding, I understood why he had gotten so upset.
“This is you and me. Don’t over think it. Just feel. Feel me...” He pushed himself deeper moving my leg up his thigh higher. His body trembled under my touch. “Feel you...” His hands cradled my head in his hands. “Feel us...”
I fell. Completely fell into a state of fluffy clouds and daisy fields. It was like finding a new groove on a slick track only no one else new the groove was there. We made love for hours. Sensual mind blowing sex but the kind that was leisurely and full of long passionate kisses that shook you to the very core and felt like you were newlyweds and nothing matters but that promise you made under thousands of twinkle lights and a fresh blanket of snow.
I felt his breath on my face. He was watching me feeling the moment too. His exhale was strained, words shaking. “You’re so beautiful.”
I got lost in my favorite grass green eyes feeling him, feeling me, feeling us. I couldn’t do anything but stare, locked in his eyes that still held that fire I always knew. There’s a hunger there that can spread goose bumps and send your heart racing but also beat slow and low with want.
Flushed skin and steady movements, I knew that he felt it too. His palm found my jaw; his thumb brushing my lip as he tilted my face to meet his. His lips parted with heavy lids before he kissed me again.
Life is never perfect. Even the strongest crumble and fall to their knees. Even legends say enough is enough. There’s also a moment in time, a whisper of hope, a glisten of desire. It’s a thread to a tie that brings a husband and wife together again. It’s feeling him, it’s feeling me but it’s feeling us.
There are times when making love that you fall apart together. It might not happen often but it does. It did that night. With sticky cheeks for months of crying, he showed me the love he still had to give to me, like it was inside of me just as much as it was part of him. His cry of pleasure that shot straight through me was low, lips feather light as they barely touched my own. My lids fell shut as I fall just as hard surrounded by those same twinkle lights, shared moments, teasing touches and a blanket of snow, breathless and dreamless.
He whispered that he never wanted to stop but eventually we did and laid there wrapped around one another.
As the sun rose of our balcony, I smiled into his arm that was draped around me. “When did you fall in love with me?”
Part of me had been worried that with the accident that he would have forgotten memories that meant so much to me, memories that made us.
Jameson buried his face between my neck and shoulder and chuckled softly sliding his right hand over the curve of my body. “Looking back on it now, the shift was gradual but I remember when it hit me completely.”
“When?” Twisting in his arms, I wanted to see his eyes. Tracing my fingers over his jaw, I stopped when I got to the tangled loops that had begun to grow back and smiled. Every day he was a little more like himself.
“That day I left Bellingham.” His head tipped sideways as he looked at me. “Do you remember when we were standing in the rain, when you ran out on the runway?”
Smiling, I hummed at the memory instead of replying.
“That’s when.” He said softly. “When you wrapped your arms around me, I fell. I fell hard and never looked back.”
“I’m glad you never looked back.” I was just about to shift our positions so I could find that camshaft again when he got up. “Hey,” I whined with a pout. “Come back over here. I wasn’t done.”
With a grin, he looked over his shoulder at me, after fumbling with the stereo, shaking with laughter as the sounds of Bump n’ Grind bellowed through our stereo. “I’ve got some ground to make up, honey.”
And oh god did we do some making up. He had me bending in directions I hadn’t bent in years. We did the rough sex again, without the emotional anger of the previous nights, he smacked my ass a few times, tied me up, all that shit.
We did it because we had that connection again. We found a new groove.
I’m not sure what the change was, or that we just stopped trying so hard, but we found it and I couldn’t have been more thankful for that and the words that made me moan.
Luckily our kids must have known we needed to be alone and we spent the greater part of the day in there reuniting. It felt so good to have him back.
When the sun fell in the sky and the dark began to dance shadows around the room, eventually leaving it dark aside from the candle he lit when we broke the lamp.
My ear pressed to his chest listening to the steady rhythm of his heart shifting through memories of our lives like photographs. His hand moved from being wrapped around my shoulder, down my back to my spine. His touch was soft, just like his words. My palm pressed to his chest in front of my face, my wedding ring capturing the amber glow of the candle as it through sparkles around the room.
His low rasp sent shivers through me as he repeated the words that meant so much to the two of us that we permanently anchored them to our hearts. “The light will bring to life what shadows keep hidden.”
This exact position was the reason we had gotten these tattoos as it was our favorite place to be. Covered in skin with my head on his chest and his hands wrapped around me was where a love was formed in the shadows and brought to life when we least expected it.
Tears spilled out the corners of my eyes as they did for him too, feeling him, feeling me, feeling us.
There’s a way a man holds a woman when he’s trying to take away the pain. When his heart is breaking right along with hers. It’s the kind of shit that drenches your shirt in blubbering snot and takes your breath away. It’s a hold that speaks volumes and nothing at all. It’s a hold that can’t be broken by words, time, nothing. It’s just a hold. A hold telling everything but saying nothing.
That next morning, Jameson left for Charlotte for his next test session and exam with NASCAR. Rolling over with a smile, I remembered his touch, the words, the feeling of him moving inside of me. Everything that happened last night felt like the first time again.
Watching the wind softly blow through our room, I noticed his gift to me.
There, on the night stand beside an iced mocha was a letter. I nearly giggled. It had been years since he wrote me a letter.
Sway,
So many times over the last few months I’ve wanted to ease your pain - tell you that everything was going to be all right - but I didn’t know if it would. I also knew that it wouldn’t change anything if I didn’t feel it.
Watching you sleep now, I’m reminded of what I haven’t considered over that time and what I nearly lost. You.
I know I’ve been distant and unlike the man you grew to love surrounded by one dream and one lifestyle. Tonight, to feel you, to feel me, and to feel us once again, as one, was like being able to breathe again.
Our love was cultivated in the shadows and at a time that we least expected it and it shines through the darkest of moments, never fading, always triumphing over the heartache we have suffered.
You are the light that pulls the boy in me from anonymity and gives me a true purpose in a life of vulnerability and frustration. I wonder, looking at you in the purest form, if I could have been a better husband or father. I wonder if you know how much I love you and think the world of you.
Without you, all the trophies and titles in the world mean nothing. In the blinding spotlight my life has created, it’s you that brings me back.
Your life is measured in moments. Moments that test you, challenge you, and moments that make you fall to your fucking knees, begging and pleading for all you’re worth for just one more moment.
With you, I don’t want to ever be out of moments. I want to feel my heated check against your skin as the word stay is spoken. I want to watch your eyes light up when I vow forever. I want to watch you hold three precious angels. I want to laugh with you, cry with you, and be one with you. Forever one heart and one soul.
I’ll never let you go.
You are where
my heart belongs
Jameson
26. Apron – Jameson
Apron – A paved portion at the bottom of the racetrack that separates the racing surface from the usually unpaved field.
“I passed.” He beamed dropping to his knees before me. “They cleared me for the Coca Cola 600 race on Saturday.”
Relieved, he started instantly going in for what I knew he wanted.
“We can’t do this right now.” I pushed against his shoulders trying to focus. Though I didn’t want to stop, needed to since we had a meeting in twenty minutes.
“There’s no way in hell I’m making it through that meeting without being with my wife first. I have to. After last night, it was hard enough just passing those tests without thinking of you.”
And there was no more argument from me.
Continuing down my stomach with his lips, he looked up at me from under his long thick lashes as his mouth opened around the button of my jeans, his teeth scrapped the button around his smirk.
If you’ve never had a man, and I mean Jameson Riley, unbutton your jeans with his teeth, you’re missing out.
“Did you read the letter?” he asked, his breath blew across the sensitive skin of my stomach as he spoke. “I meant every word.”
Nodding, I shivered as he yanked my jeans down the rest of the way throwing them over his right shoulder. “I know you did.”
Keeping his eyes on me, his large hands traveled up my bare thighs and stopped at my crankcase. His fingers slid to the edge of my panties, his smile took on a sinister edge, and then yanked.
Shaking my head, I tapped his nose with my index finger. “Look at that, those are ruined.”
“Yep,” he stood breathing rough. “Totally fucking ruined.”
We stood there for a moment staring at each other as I watched his chest noticing his breathing was increasing by the moment.
The backs of my knees hit the headboard and then with little effort I was being lifted on the bed. With his palms flat on the mattress, he hovered over me parting my legs slowly with his knees.
He slowly entered me and I gripped his hard shoulders panting in his ear never to let go.
Drenched in sweat, his words came crashing against me. “I’ll never let you go. Ever.”
I heard myself make a low moan when one of us hands traced down my chest over my waist and then gripped me firmer as he pressed his pelvis into me a little harder. My right hand traced his face, slid down his neck, his arm, over his collarbone and gently over the rippled muscles of his chest. The touch of his bare skin with mine was everything I needed these days.
It’s funny the closeness you feel when you’re together like this after feeling a separation. The feeling of being one has the power to take a lot of pain away. It can take away loneliness left by a lifestyle. Sometimes words don’t need to be said, your bodies know.
Much like the night before, we were making up for lost time and going for fast time. Jameson had my grooves figured out and could snag the pole on any given night and I would have to say he swung it that morning.
“Fuck honey,” he grunted rolling us to our sides, his arms closing around me bringing my body into his. Breathing in my ear, he whispered. “You get sexier every day.”
My breath expelled in a gasp as hips began to move. Arching my back, I moved with him, my hands reaching behind me to pull him closer. We didn’t last long in this position. The intimacy it provided always gave way to the pleasure and collapsed.
“We gotta go champ.” I said when he didn’t move for five minutes. Sitting up, I reached for my bra that was on the broken lamp. My pants were lying next to the hole in the wall where Jameson had knocked over our nightstand last night in the heat of the moment. Looking around the room, I laughed. “We should repaint in here. It looks like our house looked after Casten’s frat party.”
With a chuckle, he pulled me back nipping at my bare shoulder. “I’m not finished with you yet honey.” Pinning me to the bed, I begin to realize he was absolutely right as his knees part my legs wider. “I have some deburring to do.”
Threading my fingers through his hair, I moaned at the contact I hadn’t seen in months from his tongue down south. He moaned and placed my legs on his shoulders. “Jesus I’ve missed this. I’ve literally been dreaming of this at night.”
I yanked on his on his tangled loops. “Say what?”
“I’ve been dreaming of this at night.” He licked his lips and kissed my hip bone. “I woke up in the middle of the night...” his voice lowered, his eyes hooded as he spoke words I had never heard him admit, “...I had a dream that I was doing a little deburring on the hood of my Mustang.”
“How come you didn’t wake me up?” I yanked again on his hair when he tried to lower his mouth again, his hips shifting against the mattress as if he needed friction.
His hips shifted again, his eyes darkened with want. “I tried. You wouldn’t wake up.”
“So what did you do?”
Shrugging shyly, he gave a soft smile. “I was pretty worked up...kind of like right now...so...”
Hot damn.
Jameson’s cell phone started vibrating on the floor in his jeans. We were now officially late for the meeting with Simplex.
I couldn’t focus. All I could think about, Jameson knew the reaction I had to knowing he had touched himself for pleasure, and it didn’t take long with his deburring skills of a seasoned machinist.
When he knew I had been satisfied, he was crawling up me and crying out in pleasure of his own not more than a few seconds later.
Rolling to the side, he sighed. “I feel better.”
“I can’t get the image of you bleeding your pressure valve out of my head.” I said shaking my head as I threw my arms over my face. “Now I’m not going to be able to concentrate the rest of the day.”
We were laying there for about two minutes when he looked over at me and grinned. “I have to say, it was incredibly sexy seeing you watch porn, but also the most adorable sight I have ever seen was you wearing that black hoodie over your head.” His shoulder shook with giggles, his eyes crinkled at the edges. He looked so much like himself now it was easy to think the accident had never happened. But it had and we couldn’t forget that. “If I wouldn’t have been so turned on, I would have laughed.”
“I’m glad I could amuse you.”
I managed to get him out of our bed and on our way to the shop but it was difficult for both of us. Especially after him admitting he dreamt of me.
“Nice of you to show up,” Alley welcomed us with a bitter smile.
Melissa Childers, Jameson’s business manager, who was next to Alley, kept her eyes down but I saw the corners of her mouth tugging into a smile. She knew.
“What’s the purpose of these meetings?” Jameson said slouching beside me as we seated around the table.
Only Jameson could say that and get away with it.
“Why do I have to sit here too? Why can’t you just take notes for me and I’ll take a nap.” His hand found my thigh when Alley was talking with Melissa and going over the appearances Jameson had scheduled for the next two days. We were set to leave tonight and it would be non-stop media until the race, I was sure of it.
Jameson’s hand on my inner thigh was creeping north. “I’m exhausted after the last two days.” He breathed in my ear moving my hair aside. “You really know how to run an engine lean.”
He was working on assembly prep and those in the room knew it.
Alley cleared her throat and kicked him under the table. “Knock it off Jameson.”
He muttered something under his breath tossing his pen at her defiantly.
Just to piss Alley off, his hand found my thigh again. I wiggled away knowing I would attack him if he kept it up.
I had a feeling why Simplex Shocks and Springs, Jameson’s primary sponsor for the Cup series, called this meeting and so did Jameson. Knoxville Nationals was approaching and they knew Jameson was itching to get back to
racing. Would he race sprint cars again? I wasn’t sure. Since the accident he hadn’t mentioned it.
Ed Sharp, the new president with Simplex, made the trip from Bloomington where they were based out of, and set his black briefcase on the table. Jameson glanced up at him but said nothing but offering a head nod.
Some may think that was rude but if you understood Jameson, you understood that wasn’t from arrogance. He was cautious. And those that understood him—respected that side of him after everything he had been through recently.
I knew Ed wanted to speak with Jameson privately so when Alley and Melissa finished their publicity talk, we got up to leave them alone.
“That’s all right Sway, you may stay.” Ed said reaching for my arm. “I need to talk to Jameson and I understand that he wishes for you to stay.”
Jameson gave a nod to me to sit back down so I did.
“Jameson, we understand Knoxville Nationals is approaching and we are requesting that you do not race. We have let this go on for far too long.” Ed announced to Jameson who was slouched in the chair next to me, his attention more on the pen in his hand than the words being spoken to him. “We can’t risk it anymore. You either stop racing sprint cars all together,” Jameson finally looked up when Ed paused, his stare losing focus. “…or we pull sponsorship from the Cup team.”
There was no response or outright form of objection from Jameson other than another nod.
As Jameson, and me, began to stand, Ed spoke again. “There’s something else we would like to discuss with you and Sway.”
Instantly I knew where this was going. Melissa warned me.
