by S. E. Brown
But I still don’t understand why she never told me.
I’m surprised by the number of people in attendance, although I’m not exactly sure why. Ellie was so kind and loving, and it seems every person she ever met is here paying their respects. Friends and neighbors I’ve never met. Nurses that cared for her while she fought her illness. They all seem to know who I am, but I haven’t got a clue who any of them are.
Laying on her casket is a bouquet of tulips. Her favorite. Red tulips, orange tulips, yellow tulips. Even purple ones. She told me the reason she loved them so much was because they were a sign of new things to come. They were the bulbs that fought their way through the cold ground to bloom first. And they were pretty.
Madison stood and walked past the bookcase that butted up to the couch then toward the mantle and stared at the pictures of she and Ellie during their time together. She really didn’t know how her life would have ended up had it not been for Ellie.
The plan was for Madison to stay until the baby was born. She hadn’t known where she’d go from there, but no one had planned on her staying longer than that.
“I know when Mrs. Erickson and I first talked about you staying here, we planned on it being only until you had the baby.”
“Right,” I acknowledge quietly. I have been thinking about my next move but don’t have any concrete plans. Going to stay with Jessa in Nashville seems the most likely option.
“Well, I’ve been thinking,” she pauses. “You still have a couple years of high school to go. I’d like it if you would stay here with me, in Charlotte.”
“You would?”
“I’ve kinda gotten used to you being around,” she teases. “And to be honest, I want to make sure you finish high school.”
“I would really like that,” I smile back at her.
“But,” she adds cautiously, “there will be some rules.”
Ellie has never laid down the law with me before, so I’m curious about what these rules will be. I narrow my eyes. “Okay, like what?”
“I haven’t given it a lot of thought, but there will be expectations regarding your schoolwork and curfews. Dating will be allowed, but I want to meet whatever boy you’re dating. And sex …”
“The last thing I want to do is get pregnant again, Ellie. No sex for me.”
“Well, alright then.”
“Are you sure about this? You’ve already done so much for me. I don’t want to be a bother.”
“Madison, sweetheart, you are a gift to me. I have grown to love you as if you were my own and will do what I can to help you succeed. You’ve had some bumps along the way – I just want to help.”
My eyes start to tear. I’m so unfamiliar with the sounds of love, they still tear at my heart when I hear them.
“And next year we get to start talking about colleges!” she grins excitedly.
I’m not so sure about my future, but Ellie has no doubts.
As Madison continued through the room, she came upon a small table next to the chair where Ellie always sat. On the table were several small pictures of a little girl ranging in age from infancy to eleven or twelve years old.
Madison picked up what looked to be the most recent picture and studied it. The girl had dark red hair and green eyes.
Just like Issy.
“Oh my god,” she said out loud to no one.
They were all pictures of Issy.
Pictures of her as an infant, as a toddler and every school picture she’d taken.
How did Ellie get these?
She picked up another frame and inside it was a family – a mom and dad, two young teenaged boys … It was Issy’s family. The family that adopted her.
She set the picture back on the table and quickly ran outside to the beach. She couldn’t breathe.
All this time.
All this time she knew and never told me.
When she reached the packed sand she dropped and brought her knees to her chest. Laying her forehead on her knees, the tears started to fall and she sobbed.
Why didn’t she tell me?
How could she not tell me?
Because every time the baby was brought up, I shut her down.
How did I never know?
Of all the people she had known and loved and trusted in this world, Ellie had been at the top of that list.
When no one else wanted her, Ellie did.
When she refused to talk or explain her feelings or share what was going through her mind, Ellie had waited patiently until she was ready.
When she was the most scared and unsure she was doing the right thing, Ellie had held her hand and listened.
Never, not once, did she tell Madison what to do.
And when she didn’t have faith in herself, Ellie always, always did.
She felt so betrayed by the person who had loved her the most. And she was gone. And she couldn’t ask her why.
Why didn’t you tell me about my daughter?
Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?
Why did you have to die?
“Madison?”
She jumped when she heard her name. Turning her head to see who the voice had come from, she saw Declan standing there, shielding his eyes from the sun.
Completely overwhelmed, Madison turned back toward the water, raised her hands to her face and cried even harder.
It was already too much, trying to reconcile everything with Issy. And then Ellie. And then Declan. She wasn’t sure she could handle anymore. Her plate was beyond full. Shit was running over the edges like it was Niagra Falls.
“Why don’t you give us a few minutes?” she heard him say to someone she assumed was probably Issy.
A moment later, Declan lowered himself to the sand and wrapped his arms around her. He was still upset she hadn’t told him about Issy and worried when they didn’t know where she was. At that moment, however, he knew she was safe, and he knew she was hurting much more than he was.
After several long minutes, her crying began to subside and she sniffled, wiping her eyes.
“How did you know I was here?” she asked, her hands covering her face.
“Issy noticed the return address on the envelope from Ellie. When you didn’t come home last night, we took a shot you’d come here.”
“Is Issy with you?”
“Yeh, she’s back at the car.”
Madison nodded, imaging the questions they both had.
She must think I left her. Again.
“I’m guessing she told you everything?”
“Most of it, I’d say. Her side, anyway.”
“I’m sorry, Declan,” Madison whispered.
“Hey,” he said softly. “Look at me.”
Madison slowly raised her head from her hands to look at him. His face was kind and understanding, and not at all mad like she had expected it to be.
“I can’t say I didn’t wish I heard what happened from you rather than Issy, but maybe that’s just how it was supposed to be.”
“But when you asked me about the tattoo – “
“You told me everything you were able to in that moment.”
Madison looked at him with wonder. No man was this understanding. She wanted him to get angry and yell at her. She could handle that better than this. She deserved his anger.
“Why are you being so calm about this? I had a baby when I was sixteen and I gave her away.”
The words startled her as they escaped her lips. She shook her head and didn’t give him a chance to respond. Instead she started aiming blows at him.
“Am I really the kind of person you want to be with? Someone who gives their child away? Can’t you see how horrible of a person I am? I gave my child away. To strangers. To people I didn’t know. I didn’t know if they would care for her or love her or if they were any better off than I was. They could have abused her or made her feel as unloved as my parents made me. I could have been sending her into hell. Why aren’t you mad I never told you? Why aren’t you mad I le
ft out the biggest thing to ever happen in my life?”
“First of all,” Declan started, not letting her say anything more. “Issy is fine. We talked a little about her family on the drive over here. She was loved, Madison, not put in harm’s way. You didn’t send her into hell. And second, putting your child up for adoption doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“But doesn’t it? I didn’t even hold her before they took her away. Did she tell you that? I never saw her fingers or toes, or kissed her forehead, or breathed in her baby smell. I just signed the papers and pretended she didn’t exist.”
“Madison,” he cut her off again, “you were sixteen. You did in that moment what you thought was best for you and your child. That’s all anyone can ask of themselves.”
“But I gave her away and never told a person. Not one.”
“Listen to me. You can pick a fight with me all you want, but that isn’t going to change anything. You’re not going to push me away with this.”
When she looked into his eyes, she saw he meant what he’d said. She could either turn to him and lean on him, or she could continue to try to push him away. At that moment, she didn’t have the energy to push. She was tired of fighting on her own, of having to be the strong one all the time.
Madison buried her head in Declan’s chest and wrapped her arms around him as if she were holding on for dear life.
“What if I can’t be what she needs me to be?” she asked into his chest. “What if I let her down?”
“Have you asked her what that is? What she wants from you?”
Madison shook her head.
“Then I don’t think it’s something you should worry about right now.” He tightened his arms around her, glad she was knocking down another wall between them. “You probably both still have a lot of questions that need to be answered. You have a daughter to get to know and she has a new mom she’s excited about.”
Declan ran his hand up and down her arm.
“She’s pretty special.” His words came out of the blue, and there was warmth in his voice.
Madison looked up at him and raised her eyebrows.
“Well, I did hire her, ya know,” he grinned. “But I also spent the last however-many hours with her, getting to know her and talking with her. She’s got a good head on her shoulders.”
Madison continued looking at him, unsure what to say.
“She got pretty worried about you when you didn’t come home last night.”
“Shit. The note.”
Declan nodded. He leaned back to grab something from his pocket. “And you left this behind.”
“My phone.”
“When I got to your house, Issy had just woken up so she wasn’t sure how long you’d been gone. Shortly after I got there, she noticed the address. We agreed you might need a little time, so we were waiting until morning to come find you.”
“But it must have been the middle of the night when you left.”
“It was. Issy woke up and saw you weren’t back yet and insisted on leaving right away. I couldn’t argue with her,” he said with a shrug.
“I’m sorry, Declan.”
He bent his head and gently kissed her forehead. “We know you’re safe now.”
Madison turned her head and placed a soft kiss on his lips.
“Should we go find Issy?”
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, Madison agreed. “Yeh, let’s go. I’ve got some apologizing to do.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
They spent the remainder of the day at the cottage talking and answering questions. How long did Madison and Jeremy date? What were Issy’s parents like? Were Jeremy’s parents still alive? Where did Issy grow up? When did Madison start drawing? How did Issy spend her summers? Who were Madison’s friends growing up? What subject was Issy majoring in at school?
It was a ping pong match of questions between them. Declan did his best to give them their space, but couldn’t help smiling when he heard them laughing. They had very similar laughs.
He didn’t want to intrude, so he spent a while on the beach relaxing, then ran to the store to get a few things so they could have lunch. As he was cleaning the kitchen so they’d have a place to eat, he came across an envelope that simply read: Madison.
He stopped and looked at it, wondering if that moment would be the best time to give it to Madison. Things were going well for her and Issy, so he decided to tuck the envelope away and give it to her later. He didn’t know what was inside, but he hoped it would give Madison the answers she was looking for.
As the sun began to set and the cottage darkened, they decided to head toward Wilmington and get a couple of rooms.
They checked into a hotel on the river and walked with shopping bags to their room. They had stopped at a store to pick up a few toiletries since none of them had packed for the trip.
“You going to be alright in your own room?” Madison asked Issy as she walked past the door leading to the room Issy would be sleeping in that night.
“Yeh, I’ll be fine. Having some time to think is probably good. And I can give Brooke a call.”
“Okay,” Madison smiled. “Let us know if you need anything, alright?”
“I will,” Issy smiled as she put her key into the door and opened it. “Night.”
“Night.”
“Night, Issy,” Declan added as he slid the key to their room into the lock and opened the door.
As they walked in, they set their things on the bed and turned to look at each other. Unable to read the expression on Madison’s face, Declan simply held out his arms to her. “Come here.”
She shuffled her feet to where he stood and wrapped her arms around his waist. It had been the longest forty-eight hours she’d ever experienced. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically, but she was also excited about the idea of getting to know her daughter.
Declan tightened his hold as he felt her sigh against him. “You okay?”
“Yeh.” She pushed back so she could look in his eyes. “It’s just a lot in a short period of time.”
Declan nodded.
“Thank you,” she said with quiet sincerity.
“For what? I didn’t do anything,” he grinned.
“But you did. You listened. You didn’t get mad. You drove Issy all the way out here. You just paid for two hotel rooms. You’ve been incredibly patient. Thank you for that. For all of that.”
He simply smiled in return and leaned down to brush his lips against hers. “You’re welcome.”
She laid her head back on his chest, securing her arms tightly around his waist. “I’ve been thinking.”
“About what?”
“Do you think you could take Issy back to Charlotte with you tomorrow?”
“Sure. But where will you be?”
“I’d like to go to the shore. Talk to Ryan.”
Declan shifted so he could look into her eyes, questioning why she wanted to see Ryan.
“I never told her about the baby.”
Declan’s eyebrows sprung up. He was sure Madison and Ryan knew everything about each other by now.
“I know, I know … I just don’t think this is something I should tell her over the phone.”
“Okay. Whatever you need to do, Babe. I’ll take her back to Charlotte with me. That’s not a problem.”
She looked up at him again. “You really are a good guy, you know that?”
“I hope you still think so.”
Madison looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. The way he said it made her think he wasn’t joking. “Why would you say that?”
Declan let go of her waist and leaned over the bed to the bags they brought in. He grabbed the envelope he had slid inside as they got ready to come into the hotel.
“I found this today.”
Taking the envelope from his hands, Madison’s breath caught as she read her name on the front, written in Ellie’s penmanship.
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“No,” Declan sig
hed. “You and Issy were in the middle of a conversation and I didn’t want to interrupt that. I figured when we had a quiet minute I would give it to you. Like now.”
Madison ran her fingers over her name as she walked to the chair next to the window and sat down.
She lifted the flap, took out the piece of paper and unfolded it.
Dear Madison,
I can’t imagine the questions you probably have knowing everything you now know. I won’t apologize, but I am sorry about the hurt you’re likely feeling. I promise you that was never my intention.
You might be wondering who the little girl is in the pictures next to my chair. That’s Isabelle Elisabeth. Your daughter.
When I handed your baby to the social worker that day, I also gave her an envelope and asked her to give it to the baby’s adoptive parents. I know it was probably wrong, but I wanted them to have something of you. I wrote your daughter a letter and told her how amazing and strong and talented you are. I even included a drawing you made. To this day I don’t know if they ever told her she was adopted, but they did send me a new picture every year. It’s amazing how alike the two of you look.
Whenever you would come to the cottage, I would put the pictures in a drawer so you wouldn’t see them. Several times I tried to ask how your heart felt about your daughter, but you always cut off the conversation. You never wanted to talk about her. I guess I figured if you didn’t want to talk about her, you wouldn’t want to see her pictures either. That was an assumption on my part. I’m sorry if I was wrong.
I pray every day the two of you will meet again. Putting your baby up for adoption was, I think, still the right decision for both of you, but it created a hole in your heart. Maybe someday, when the two of you cross paths again, that hole will start to heal.
Maybe you could find her. Reach out to her. I know you did your best to keep your distance, but I know, Madison, I know you loved her. I heard you read to her and talk to her and rub your belly when she would kick. You are in a much different place now than when you gave birth to Isabelle. Please, consider opening that door and getting to know your daughter.
