by Woods, Karen
“Where is he Katie?” she screamed. Katie stood to her feet and helped her mother sit down. Gladys was making a scene. “I want to see my fucking son. Tell me where he is.” She was waving her arms in the air and wasn’t listening to a word her daughter said. Gladys made her way to the main doors that led to where Shaun was and shouted the doctors. “My son is in here. I need to see him. Please.”
The doctor walked past her and didn’t give her a second look. He was more than used to people causing a scene in the casualty department and ignored her. She now entered the other side of the doors. The nurse on duty quickly took her arm and pulled her to the side out of the way. Gladys fell to her knees and pleaded with her to help. The young nurse left her side and quickly checked her notes. She could see her talking to one of the doctors and Gladys watched her every movement. When the nurse came back to her she told her she’d located Shaun. Gladys didn’t even think about Katie in the waiting room and headed into Shaun’s room like a charging bull.
Gladys froze for a few seconds and looked at all the wires that were attached to her son. Looking at the nurse she trembled.
“What’s wrong with him? Please tell me he’s going to be okay.” The nurse felt her pain as she walked to her side.
“We are doing all we can. He’s a lucky man I can tell you. A few hours more and we would have lost him. Whatever he’s taken has nearly killed him.” Gladys stood at the side of his hospital bed. She knew without asking her that she meant drugs. Her face was filled with shame and somehow she felt she was to blame. Gladys tried to explain to the nurse that her son was really a good lad and it was just the crowd he’d gotten in with that made him this way. The nurse left the room. Gladys was heartbroken. Her tears dropped onto the bed-sheets as she fell onto the bed at the side of him. Her shoulders could be seen shaking as the pain of a son addicted to drugs broke her heart. Katie now entered the room.
Shaun’s sister stood at the bottom of the bed and watched the familiar sight of her mother crying again. Holding her body close she cried too. Gladys heard sobbing and lifted her head. Katie stared at her and awaited the arms of her mother to try and console her but they never came. All Gladys could see was her son and nothing or no one else seemed to matter.
*
The days passed and for the first time in Shaun’s life he’d admitted he needed help. The hospital had put him in touch with a drugs worker and a mental health team. The day he left hospital he left as a man trying to get free from drugs. Gladys also made him an appointment for the doctors trying to get him as much help as possible. Methadone was his only ticket away from heroin.
Shaun felt weak and Gladys was at his side like a crutch all through the following weeks. She waited on him hand and foot. She was never far from his side. As you looked at Shaun now he looked like a person who’d been recovering from a serious illness and was now coming to the end of it. His skin still looked grey, but every day that passed small droplets of red happiness filled his skin. Gladys fed Shaun like a newborn baby. She watched every mouthful of food he swallowed and smiled at the thought of her son being normal again.
When the day of the mental health appointment came round, Shaun felt scared about going. Gladys wasn’t taking any chances and told him she would go with him. She told him she would wait outside. The waiting room looked nice and clean. The walls were painted white and navy blue chairs filled the waiting area. A few other people sat waiting and Gladys looked at them wondering what their problems were. She looked at Shaun differently than the other patients. No way in the world did she class him as having mental health issues. Once Shaun informed the receptionist he was there he sat down in the chair next to his mother. Gladys came closer to his side and whispered from the side of her mouth.
“That one doesn’t look right in the fucking head. Watch her,” Shaun gazed over to the woman and watched her curling her hair roughly. She did look strange he thought. Shaun felt sick inside. Was he a crank now? He gasped and thought about getting off.
Shaun’s name was called and he was led to a small office not far from the waiting room. Gladys hugged him before he left and told him everything was going to be alright. His face looked angry as he tried to push her away from him. He gritted his teeth as he murmured to her.
“Mam, will you fuck off. I’m not a kid ya know.” Her face sunk as she backed off. Watching him leave her side she sat back down and picked up a magazine to read. The consultant told Shaun to take a seat. He picked up his notes and began to read them. Once he’d quickly read through them he introduced himself as Doctor Edwards. Shaun nodded and felt uneasy. Doctor Edwards had a friendly face. He was about fifty and had a handsome look about him. Pulling his chair closer to Shaun he began to ask about his life and his drugs intake. Once he’d finished he sat looking at Shaun and asked him why he took drugs. Shaun felt uneasy and pulled at his sleeve as he fidgeted. In his palm gripped tightly the doctor could see his pebble and asked what it was. Shaun opened his hand fully and revealed for the first time his soulmate. He rolled his thumb over it as he explained.
“I’ve had it for years doctor. It just helps me keep calm.” Stroking the small pebble in his fingers he continued. “It’s kind of my friend if you know what I mean?” Shaun looked deep in thought before he spoke again. “It doesn’t judge me. It’s always there with me no matter what happens.” Doctor Edward looked surprised and asked to hold the pebble. Shaun slowly passed it to him and watched eagerly as he examined it further. Once he passed it back to him the conversation continued.
“Why do you take drugs Shaun?” Shaun raised his eyebrows and looked from side to side. No one had ever asked him this question before. He searched for the answer. His head dipped and you could see his eyes welling up. As his lip trembled the doctor passed him a tissue from the side. Shaun tried to answer as tears fell on his cheek
“I don’t know really. At first it was for a buzz. But now I can’t live without them. It takes all my pain away I suppose.” He urged him to continue.
“What pain is that Shaun?” Shaun held his head in his hands. He pulled at his clothing and punched himself in the chest.
“The pain of what I’ve become. I’ve done some bad things for drugs. You don’t know the half of it doctor.” Sitting watching Shaun’s face he crossed his legs and waited for the answer to his question. Shaun looked hot as he wiped his forehead. He asked for a drink. Once he was refreshed Shaun raised his eyes to the roof. His emotions were calm now and he sniffed hard through his nostrils.
“I think my dad leaving was the start of it. I just went wild and didn’t give a fuck anymore.” His body bent over now as he lifted his foot onto his lap. Playing with his shoelaces he continued. “Nobody seemed to care about me. My mam was a nervous wreck, and my brother and sister were just craving love like me,” he paused and tapped his fingers on his teeth. “I suppose I started abusing my body because I felt nobody cared. I think it was a cry for help.” He now looked deep in thought before he finished speaking, “but no one ever helped.”
The doctor had heard so many times in the past the reasons why people didn’t feel normal. He knew getting Shaun talking about his pain was a good start and carried on probing into his life.
“Did you not tell anyone in your family the way you felt? What about your dad?” Shaun sighed. His face was filled with a painful smile.
“My dad was a bastard. He wasted my mother all the time. It’s a wonder she isn’t on drugs as well as me the life she’s had.”
The consultant nodded. “So how old were you when you first started taking drugs?” Shaun’s face turned to the side and his eyes looked puzzled.
“I think I was about thirteen. I can’t really remember. It wasn’t heroin to start with it was just the glue.” Shaun’s face showed signs of embarrassment as he continued. “It all went downhill when I got put into care. Some serious shit happened when I went in that place.” His words were slow now and each word was a struggle to get out. When he finally spoke of his mate Colb
y and the ordeal of the abuse he sobbed into his hands. The hour passed and Shaun’s session was coming to an end. The doctor gave him another appointment and told him he would see him soon. Shaun now stood up and told him that he needed something to help him sleep at night. He spoke quickly as he knew it was now or never to get some more medication.
“My nerves are bad as well Doctor. I feel shaky all the time. Can’t you give me something to help sort that out too?” The doctor wrote him a prescription for some sleeping tablets and some Diazepam. As he took the green prescription from his hand he thanked him from the bottom of his heart. Gladys saw Shaun at the side of her and noticed the prescription. Quickly she pulled it from his grip as he tried to grab it back. She quickly read the names of the tablets and sighed.
“Why has he given you more tablets? You’re on Methadone now. That’s all you need isn’t it?” Shaun started to walk from the waiting room and held his temper until they got outside. He let rip at her.
“I need summat to help me sleep don’t I, ya muppet. And the Diazapam is to help chill me out. Just fucking keep out of my business, fucking nurse Nightingale.”
Gladys shrugged her shoulders. “Well don’t be taking them all at once. What did he say anyway?” Shaun carried on walking and lit a cig as Gladys wanted to know the ins and outs of everything. Shaun just gave her a look and she knew to back down as she could see he was agitated. “I’m only trying to help!” she mumbled.
Heading home on the bus, all Shaun could think about was popping his pills once he’d got them from the chemist. All he wanted to do was sleep. Looking at his mother’s face he knew he couldn’t stand much more of her chatting shit. She was suffocating him and he needed to get away from her as soon as possible. Shaun got his tablets and watched his mother’s face sink when he told her he was going to stay at Ged’s flat. She ranted and raved in the front room and told him if he left now he would never be allowed to come back. Shaun had heard it all before and ignored her. Before he left he tried to hug her but she broke free and give him a piece of her mind.
“Selfish, selfish bastard. We all run about after you and make sure you’re alright. Them smackheads don’t give a flying fuck about you. Go on. Run back to the shower of shit. See if I care.” Gladys did care and as soon as he left she phoned Katie crying. She snivelled
“He’s fucked off again Katie.” Her hands gripped the phone and you could see her knuckles sticking out from her hand. Katie could be heard telling her just to give up on him but Gladys screamed down the phone line at her. “It’s always the same with you Katie! It’s always left to me to sort him out. I can’t do it no more. I may as well be fucking dead. You can fuck off as well.” She slammed the phone down. “Selfish bastards the lot of you!” she screamed into the empty room.
Gladys reached for her cigs. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably. Searching her handbag she clicked the lid from her tablet bottle. She knew she was only required to take one tablet a day but she poured two out and necked them both. Sitting staring into space she looked suicidal.
Shaun walked into the flat and Ged welcomed him back with open arms. A double bed was now situated in the living room and some new faces lay sprawled across it. Ged briefly explained the reasons why he hadn’t been to see Shaun in the hospital and that seemed enough to bring their friendship back together. Julie sat looking at him and opened her arms out wide showing him she’d missed him.
Emptying his supply of tablets out onto the table, he showed the group his medication. He told them about his appointment with the consultant and how easy it was to get the pills. Ged seemed jealous when he showed him the small bottle of Methadone. He knew in the future Shaun didn’t have to roast like him anymore. Sharing his tablets with Julie and Ged they all sat back and enjoyed the mellow feeling they all felt.
Chapter Twenty
Shaun’s life didn’t get much better. He still went to see the mental health doctor regularly and always got a monthly supply of tablets. His drug-intake was now bigger than ever. He still scored even though he had his Methadone script. Crack was his new-found love and Ged and himself often smoked a pipe together. His appearance was ten times worse than it had ever been. His self-respect had totally disappeared.
Selling his arse was an everyday occurrence to Shaun now. Even Ged was doing it. Shaun had told him one night when he was off his head what he was doing and told him it was easy money. Julie and Lizzy didn’t care what they did as long as there was cash on the table at the end of the day. The two men had become ruthless. They had no morals anymore and stole from anyone.
The two of them were well known all over the shopping centres and life as a criminal was hard. Drug dealers sold them shit now and knew there was fuck all they could do about it. One day they got home with a bag of drugs and realised it was some spices that they had bought and not smack.
Lizzy was the worst smackhead out of them all and her habit was never ending. She stole from the group and even sold clothes she’d nicked from people’s washing lines. Ged still loved her though and always defended her when the shit hit the fan. Shaun couldn’t stand the little slag a moment more. She’d stolen his leather coat. Ok, it was a coat he had stolen from a car months before but that wasn’t the point. He didn’t mean it to go all pear-shaped but when she came in one day searching for drugs he made sure she could see a bag of spices and shit on the table. He didn’t tell her it was snide shit and smirked as he left the room knowing she would inject it.
His joke backfired and Lizzy was pronounced dead at nine forty-five that same night. Ged was devastated and told everyone he was going to do himself in too. Shaun felt bad but something inside him loved watching Ged suffer just the way he had when Lauren had died years before. It was payback Shaun thought. His debt was now settled.
Lizzy’s funeral was a quiet affair. Not a lot of people came. Blackley crematorium was almost empty. Her mother and father came. They both seemed like empty shells as they sat listening to the service. Lizzy’s mother hugged her husband as the small part of Lizzy’s youth was read out aloud to the church. The priest told of a girl who had everything going for her. A girl who enjoyed dancing and loved life as a child. As he continued the priest looked at Ged, Shaun and Julie. It was as if he was speaking only to them. He spoke about self-respect and how people could be led down the wrong path. Not one of them moved an inch as he spoke. When he finished speaking they all sat down and listened to the rest of the service.
Walking to her resting place, Shaun held Julie close. She was shaking and her teeth were chattering together. A few cars were parked up at the side of them and Shaun saw a black leather coat hung over the front seat. He made sure no one was looking and quickly tried the door. Once he knew it was opened he casually climbed into it and grabbed the coat as if it belonged to him. Placing it round Julie’s shoulders he followed the mourners to the graveside.
Gathering around Lizzy’s resting place the priest said his final words. The brown coffin was now lowered to the ground. Her parents threw a red rose down onto the coffin and the rest of the people followed throwing a small piece of dirt into it from a small mound at the side of them.
Ged stood alone as everyone left the graveside. Shaun had stood with him but he asked him to leave to give him a moment on his own. The wind was howling past his ears as he stood looking down onto the coffin. His legs didn’t look safe and he nearly fell into the grave a few times. Bending down he sat on the small piece of grass at the side of him. His hands pulled at the grass and each handful he pulled he threw down onto the coffin. He looked drugged out of his mind as he spoke.
“Fucking hell Lizzy. What the fuck am I gonna do without you?” His head fell into his hands and he sobbed. Shaun watched him from nearby and felt his pain. He stood hovering for a few minutes and told Julie to go and wait at the bus stop whilst he got Ged. His feet trudged through the muddy grass. The thick mud seemed to hold his feet for longer than necessary. Each step he took seemed to take forever. As he got near him he could
hear his heartfelt words.
“I’ll be with you soon Lizzy. I died a long time ago, just like you I suppose. Drugs have turned us into zombies. I hate who I have become.” Shaun coughed and Ged raised his head. Wiping the tears from his face he came to Shaun’s side.
“I’m done in mate. I loved her so much. She was a crank I know, but she was my crank.” Shaun raised his arm and placed it around Ged’s neck. Shaun tried to console him as they walked.
“You’ll be fine Ged. It just takes time that’s all.” Ged mumbled something back but Shaun was showing his new coat off and didn’t hear him.
“Ay check this out. I had it away before from one of the cars.” Ged quickly glanced at it but wasn’t in the mood. Shaun could see his timing was wrong and headed to Julie who was stood shivering at the bus stop.
The family had organised a bit of a wake at the local pub. Lizzy’s parents made it known that none of them were welcome and they all steered clear. They could have done with an invite as they were starving and desperate for food. Standing at the bus stop Julie asked for Shaun’s coat. The wind was picking up and black clouds were visible in the sky. The black leggings she wore were wafer thin and full of holes. Gripping Shaun she told him she was gutted inside. Placing her head onto his shoulders they all waited for the bus. Ged searched the floor area for cig dimps and pocketed the ones he found.
Back at the flat wasn’t much better. The house was so depressing. Everyone’s face had a story to tell. Each person looked like they had the worries of the world on their shoulders. They didn’t have a penny between them and the fridge hadn’t seen food for months. Any money they had these days was purely for drugs. Food was a distant memory.
Shaun headed to the bedroom and hid his new coat out of sight. If he thought for one minute he could have sold it he would have but it wasn’t that clever and no one would have given a penny for it. Finding a space under the bed he rolled the coat up. Lying on the floor he pushed it to the back. Shaun sat thinking how depressed he was feeling. Looking at a pen and paper from the side he thought about ending his life. Slowly he reached for the black pen and within minutes he’d composed a suicide letter. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet so he folded the paper and reached under the bed and placed the letter in the inside pocket of the leather jacket he’d just stolen.
