by Woods, Karen
Back in the front room he told Ged and Julie he was going out. He hadn’t seen his mother for weeks and he felt the urge to go and see her. Nobody said goodbye to him and no cared if he was there or not. Ged was smoking dimps and Julie was sat picking her toe-nails.
Today was the worst day in Shaun’s life. He’d felt low before but never like this. Every crime he’d ever committed was on his mind and all the people he’d let down in the past were there in his mind’s eye. If he closed his eyes he could see them all pointing the finger at him. His mother’s face was there at the front of all these people. He could see the sadness in her eyes. Shaking his head quickly he tried to rid his thoughts of her vision but the sound of his mother’s voice still rang loud in his ears.
*
Gladys sat smoking in front of the TV as he entered. She didn’t move to look at him she just grabbed her purse nearer to her side. Her words were harsh as she spoke to him.
“I’ve got no money, so don’t bother asking.”
Shaun felt like he’d been stabbed in the heart. His mother held no love in her eyes for him anymore. All he could see was hate. He moved closer and tried to make conversation.
“I’ve just come to see you that’s all. I don’t want any money,” he huffed, “for fuck’s sake mam.” He watched her closely. Her eyes rolled and she seemed empty inside. In the past when he’d been low she’d always given him hope and pulled him back out of the darkness, but today she seemed lower than he’d ever seen her. In the past he’d even asked her to commit suicide with him as he was scared to die alone. He now realised how much of a shite life he’d led her. Digging deep inside his heart the words came to his mouth and he felt he needed to thank her for all she’d ever done for him.
“Mam,” he whispered. He slowly came to sit on the back of her chair and stoked her neck. She never moved she just continued watching the TV as if he wasn’t there. “Mam I feel strange. I need you to know just how sorry I am for all that I’ve put you through. I’m sorry you know.” Gladys slowly closed her eyes and you could just see her slowly shaking her head as if to block his words out. He continued. “I am trying mam. I just can’t do it.”
Shaun sat at her feet and hugged her ankles. Gladys bit on her bottom lip as she tried to hold back the tears. He’d lied to her so much in the past and she didn’t want to fall for anymore more of his bullshit. Shaun lay sobbing at her feet for a few minutes. He needed her to love him, but he could see she was empty. Picking himself up from the floor he dried his tears. He knew deep down inside he’d sucked every bit of life from his mother and left without speaking another word. As he left a single tear fell onto Gladys’s cheek but she never moved an inch from where she was sat.
His next port of call was his sister’s house. He hadn’t seen Katie in a long time. As he crossed the main road to her house his tears were flowing. Walking down her path he prayed she opened the door and not her nobhead boyfriend. It seemed to take forever but his prayers were answered and Katie stood in her pink pyjamas staring at him with a cocky look on her face. His words choked him and he gasped for breath. Katie had seen so many of his crocodile tears over the years and was numb to any emotion she felt for him. She looked him up and down and looked behind her before she spoke to him.
“What do you want?”
He wanted to shout out that he wanted his family back and to be free from drugs but he just hunched his shoulders and remained silent. She looked agitated as she kept looking behind her again and spoke quickly. “Listen he’s in, so don’t come here starting trouble. I can’t be doing with it all.” Shaun looked at her face and could see she had troubles of her own. He paused for a minute and just told her he loved her. He walked out from the garden. Katie looked shocked and had expected him to ask for money. Her eyes followed him and she would have run after him only for her boyfriend shouting her from inside. As she closed the front door she couldn’t help but feel sorry for her brother.
Night time was falling and all he had to keep him company was his pebble. He made his way to the town centre and sold his arse throughout the night. Shaun had sex with at least four men that night but couldn’t remember the following day. He had pressed his self-destruct button now and he prayed every night that he wouldn’t see the morning.
Every day was more or less the same and after a few months he couldn’t stand himself any longer. Julie had moved on to another smackhead and Ged was like him, waiting to die. Shaun would stick anything into his veins these days and on a few occasions he’d injected Temazepams. The flat was home to more than five addicts now. He never took the time to get to know them and just went back to the flat to sleep.
Heroin was no longer the mental block he needed. All his crimes were still there even after a hit. His drug habit grew to £80 a day and not even selling his arse could pay for the drugs his body demanded. He often sold his Methadone and pills to fellow druggies to buy crack, but even the rush from that wasn’t enough these days.
Lying in bed that night he just stared around the bedroom. Sleep was a million miles away as his years of betrayal floated through his mind. He was shaking from the inside as he pulled the paper-thin sheet around his body to stop his body feeling cold. The light from outside the window was shining onto him and as he turned he could see a moth fighting with the light. He looked amazed as he watched the moth attacking the light. Shaun raised his head as he heard the door opening. It was Ged, he stood still for a minute then whispered.
“Are you awake Shaun?”
“Yeah. I can’t fucking sleep. My head’s up my arse. I feel strange.”
“Me too mate. I just feel as if I’m here on borrowed time. If ya know what I mean.” Shaun did know what he meant and sat up.
“Have you got any cigs?” Ged shook his head.
“Nar, but if you want we can go on a dimp picking trail.”
Shaun threw his legs from the bed and searched for the clothes he’d worn constantly for over two weeks. Once he was dressed they both hit the streets looking for cig ends.
The men looked depressed as their eyes searched on the floor for dimps. Ged took him to a local spot outside one of the pubs where he was almost certain of finding some big cigarette dimps. Trying to unfold a stumped out cig Ged smiled as he sat on a small wooden- bench.
“Tell ya what mate. This is the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I know I’m a baghead but I just can’t shake this feeling from me. I think of Lizzy every day and sometimes wish I was the one who died and not her. I just feel so lonely.”
Shaun agreed with him. He would have given an arm and a leg just to be held and for someone just to tell him they loved him. Shaun’s hair was thinning now. All the shit he’d injected into his body over the years was having a dramatic effect on him. He had two white teeth at the front of his mouth and the rest were brown pegs. His fingers looked swelled and he told Ged that he thought he had septicaemia. Ged laughed. They sat smoking dimps for at least an hour before they headed home. Neither of them felt any better and it was quite obvious one of them would take their life pretty soon. Just before they neared the flats Shaun froze. Ged asked him what was the matter.
“I’m just gonna nip and see an old friend. I won’t be long.”
Shaun made his way to Moston cemetery. Once there he climbed the small iron-gates at the main entrance. As he walked through the graveyard he could hear an owl hooting in the distance. He froze and tried to locate it but it was hid in the darkness guarded by the trees. The walk didn’t take very long to Colby’s grave. As he reached it he sat close to the headstone. One hand held it and the other was on the floor. It was pitch black and the only light came from a nearby street light. Bringing his knees up to his chest he tried to stop himself trembling with fear. His mouth felt dry as he licked his lips. Taking a minute to get his words together he began to speak to Colby.
“I’m coming to see you soon mate. I hope you’re ready for me? I can’t do it anymore Colby.” Running his fingers through his hair he continued, “No
one cares whether I live or die. Even my mam has given up all hope on me mate.” He gripped his ankles and squeezed at them. “Never ever thought my mam would give up on me, but, ay, it’s my own fault isn’t it?” His head fell forward onto the headstone.
He reached inside his pocket for his pebble. Bringing it up closer to his face he kissed it slowly. “This is all I’ve got Colby. A fucking pebble. I suppose it’s a lot like me really. Cold and lifeless.” Rubbing the pebble on his cheeks he closed his eyes and wished the touch was that of someone who loved him. Shaun sat for a while in silence. He could hear something in the distance and knew that rats weren’t that far away from him. Tying his shoelaces he spoke his final words to his best friend.
“Right then Colby. I will be there soon. So get the beer in ay?” Pulling his coat closer to his body he left the cemetery.
*
The following morning Shaun’s mind was made up. His life was no longer worth living and he couldn’t go on anymore. He planned every step to end his life. Running the bath he made sure he had clean underwear to put on. His mother had always warned him about not changing his underwear. He could hear her in his mind saying “Make sure you have changed your underpants Shaun, you could get knocked over today.” His smile stayed on his face for a few minutes as he thought about his mother and her funny sayings.
Sat in the bath he rubbed the small piece of soap about his body. It was strange because no matter how much he rubbed at his skin he never felt clean. Shaun used a bit of washing up liquid that was on the side to wash his hair with. The small growth he had round his mouth was now shaved away with a rusty razor blade that was in a cup at the end of the bath. It was Ged’s razor and Shaun knew even if it was full of germs it wouldn’t matter anyway, as today was the last day of his life.
Wrapping the dirty bath towel round his body he walked back to his bedroom with his clean underwear in his hands. Shaun had enough drugs for one last good hit. Once he was ready he started to inject the drugs deep into his veins. He also popped the last few Diazapam he had left.
Walking into the front room he looked at the sad lives in front of him. Ged was sat talking to the group. He was trying to come up with some plan to earn them some much needed money. Shaun went to the small CD player and placed his disc inside. The Smiths song “Every Day is like Sunday” now played at full blast. Ged told him to turn it down but he smiled at him and winked as he disappeared back into the bedroom. Shaun found his coat and zipped it up. The hood swung around the back of it and he tried to grab it to straighten it out. Stood in his room he started to sing the words of the song. He took a deep breath and headed to the balcony. No one asked him what he was doing and no one cared that he was outside. All that the people inside cared about was their next fix and how much money they could earn. Shaun had had enough and today he was going to end his life.
“Goodbye cruel world,” he whispered as he passed Ged for the last time.
Chapter Twenty-one
Shaun’s family were stood around his bed. The doctors had told them that he’d taken a turn for the worse and didn’t have a lot of time left. A lot of his organs were shutting down. It was only a matter of time before Shaun was gone.
Gladys stood with her two children and her ex-husband the night Shaun left this world. He never regained consciousness. Gladys was surprisingly brave and held Paul and Katie at her side as the heart-monitor stopped bleeping. Katie fell to the bed like a lead weight and sobbed her heart out. Paul had never been one for words. He held his tears back until he was away from them all.
Gladys walked slowly to Shaun’s bedside as his heartbeat disappeared from the screen. The doctors in the room left and gave them time alone once they’d done all the essential medical work. Mike came to her side and cupped her waist as she lifted Shaun’s head from the bed. Her words were heart wrenching and all the family cried as she spoke.
“You’re not in any more pain now son. We never stopped loving you. My heart has also stopped beating.” She jerked back the rush of tears. Taking a deep breath she carried on saying her goodbyes. “The hole you have left in my life will never be filled. I’m sorry son. I wish I could have helped you more, but I just didn’t know how.” Katie grabbed her as her body was falling. “You sucked every bit of life from me Shaun and I didn’t have any strength left.” Shaun’s dad held her as she sobbed onto her son’s head. Her hands were gripped firmly round him. It looked like she was never letting go. Katie was now at the other side of the bed. She held the cold hand of her brother. The veins were still blue. She shook her head as she tried to say goodbye.
“Our kid. I didn’t ever think in a million years you would be gone. All the things I wanted to say to you will now be held in my heart forever. I lost you a long time ago to drugs. I know we have both said things in the past that we didn’t mean, but I have always loved you, bruv.” Katie sank her head on the bed and she could feel her mother’s hand stroking her head from the other side of the bed.
That day another family from Harpurhey lost a man they loved to drugs. Many more drug addicts would follow and lots of families would mourn the death of people they loved. After time Shaun’s family left his bedside. Each of them had regrets, of words unspoken and love they never shared. They all headed back to Glady’s house.
Family and friends were already round at the house offering their condolences to the family. Harpurhey was a large community and they stuck together in times of sorrow. Mothers and fathers of other drug addicts stood watching the family and prayed they wouldn’t have to suffer the same torment of losing a child to drugs.
Gladys sat in her chair and looked inconsolable. The only time she moved was to light a cigarette. Katie was brewing up for everyone and trying to keep her emotions stable for the sake of the household. Each person who came to Shaun’s mother’s side cried as they offered their sympathy. Gladys was like a ticking bomb and when one of the neighbours mentioned Shaun was a drug addict she sprung from her chair like a scalded cat.
“Don’t you ever call my Shaun a drug addict! He was my son. Don’t speak about him as if you knew him. None of you fuckers gave a shit about him when he was alive!” Gladys raised her hand and pointed her finger around the room. Her eyes were filled with madness as she spit the words out of her mouth as if they were on fire.
“It’s alright for all of you! You still have your sons and daughters. I have fuck all now without him.” Katie dipped her head. Her father was at the side of her and cradled her in his arms as Gladys let rip. “And don’t think I don’t know what you lot are all saying behind my back.” Her head was held high as she chewed on her lips. She paced the living room floor looking at each of them with a look to kill in her eyes. She lifted her hand to the ceiling. “And yeah I did live for my son! So fucking what! No matter what he did I always stuck by him. Just like we all do for our children.” Paul came to her side. His words were soft.
“Mam, come on, you’re upset. You need to calm down.” Shaking his hand from her body she screamed at him.
“You! You were just the same as all the fucking others. You didn’t give Shaun the time of day. All you ever did was hit him. Bullying bastard, that’s all you were.” Paul huffed and looked at his father for help but he was consoling Katie. Gladys walked away from him and continued in her abusive language.
“When he had knocked off stuff you were all round him like flies round shit. Yeah you all loved the bargains didn’t you? Did you ever think for one minute that with the money he was buying fucking drugs?”
Katie was breaking free from her father’s grip she couldn’t stand back anymore. She ran at her mother and years of frustration broke free. “He robbed you blind and everyone else. Don’t pretend he was this big loving son because he didn’t give a shit about you or anyone else.” Gladys was trying to grab her now but Paul restrained her as she opened fire.
“Stop kidding yourself mother. He was a dirty drug addict. He didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and getting wrecked.” Katie
knew her words were harsh and backed off as Gladys flopped to the floor. The neighbours started to disappear one by one. Within minutes all that was left was Shaun’s immediate family.
The sound of sobbing could be heard. The moment was heart wrenching as Mike came to Gladys’s side. Reaching down to where she lay he lifted her to her feet. Her legs were like jelly and she couldn’t stand up unaided. Her hands hung round his neck as he placed her back on the sofa. Katie felt guilty and stood staring at the walls.
A family was destroyed. None of them had any words left to say. Nothing could ever take away the pain they all felt inside. Paul went inside his mother’s bag and searched for her tablets. Grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen he spoke quietly to his mother.
“Mam, take a couple of these. You need to relax. You’re gonna have a heart attack otherwise.” His mother lifted her head. Her hair was stuck to her cheeks through the tears she’d wept. Wiping her eyes she took the two tablets from his palm and washed them down with a swig of water. Katie looked at the bottle of pills. She’d taken them in the past when she couldn’t cope. Looking at Paul she asked him for a couple too. Within minutes all the family had popped a pill.
Later that night and Katie had made some sandwiches but they just stood on the small plate at the centre of the table curling at the edges.
Gladys’s eyes were heavy. In her hand she held Shaun’s pebble. Every now and then she would hold it tightly in her fist and place it next to her heart. She looked as if she was speaking to it as she held it to her chest. You could see her mouth moving slowly but no words were coming out.
