Bagheads
Page 30
Washing his face in the bathroom mirror he pulled at his skin. His skin was baggy and full of spots. His complexion was weird. It was neither white nor grey. It just had a colour of its own that didn’t look healthy. As he opened his mouth to brush his teeth he could see stumps of black and brown pegs where his teeth used to be. He shook his head.
Ged looked for some decent clothes to wear. He’d not seen his mother in years and he wanted to look his best. Heading to Shaun’s old bedroom he searched the wardrobe. As he pulled Shaun’s old track-suit bottoms out he smiled.
“You don’t mind do you Shaun?” he said tilting his head and speaking to the ceiling. Slipping the pants on over his boxer shorts he looked ten times bigger than he really was. The bottoms were a size too large. Shaun had nicked the wrong size months before by mistake. He claimed they were his big grafting pants as he could fit loads of knock-off inside them. Ged walked up and down the bedroom. He laughed as he pulled at the leg. Dipping his head he looked under the bed for any trainers that might be lurking there. Stretching his arm out he swept all the items out towards him.
Ged sat looking at the group of odd trainers. There wasn’t one matching pair. Sighing he kicked at them. As he moaned under his breath his eyes focused on a black leather coat. Wiping the dust from it he held it up into the air. His face changed. Ged looked puzzled. He sat holding the coat for a few minutes, then he remembered Lizzy’s funeral the day Shaun had it away. Standing to his feet he tried the coat on. It was a bit big but it was much better than anything else he owned. He quickly threw a t-shirt on from the wardrobe and placed the coat over it. He was ready to go once he’d found some trainers.
Ged walked down the street where his mother lived. He walked slowly and was in two minds whether or not to turn back home. The weather was turning. His hand dug into the jacket pocket. The lining was ripped and he could feel things moving around inside it. Digging his hand in deeper he could feel a large piece of paper. Ged stood still and took the coat off. Stretching his hand inside the black lining his fingers gripped a piece of paper. Sitting on a nearby wall he unfolded it. On the front of it in capital letters it read ‘Mam’ with one kiss at the side of it.
His hands were shaking as he began to read the letter. Unfolding the paper fully he sat reading it. Ged could be heard sniffling. After a few minutes he folded the letter carefully and placed it gently back inside his pocket. Whatever was written in the letter made Ged run to his mother’s house.
*
Marjorie came to the door as she heard someone knocking. She thought it was another salesman and she could be heard moaning as she came to open the door.
“I don’t want any new windows, or anything else you’re selling. You’re wasting your time,” she said as she opened the door. Her eyes focused on Ged. His mother could be seen gasping for breath as she held one hand up against the wall. Marjorie was in her mid-sixties and looked after herself. Ged’s dad Eric was at work and she hesitated speaking when she first saw her son. Ged stood with a look in his eyes that told her he needed help. Her first response would have usually been to tell him to fuck off, but this time he looked different. Ged held his tears back as he spoke to his mother.
“Mam, can I come in and talk to you. I promise I won’t stay long. Honest.” Sweeping her hair from her face she glanced up and down the street to see if any of the neighbours were watching. Eric wasn’t due home for a while yet and she hadn’t seen her son for a long time. She opened the door wide and invited him inside. As he came into the front room she spoke. Reluctantly she asked him in.
“Just sit there and don’t move. You know you’re not allowed anywhere in this house.” Her face looked frantic as she found her purse. Walking towards it she placed it at the side of her where she could see it. She sat down. Ged watched her and knew he deserved the way she was treating him. He’d stolen loads of stuff from the family in the past and didn’t blame his mother for her actions. Her eyes burned into him. She looked like she could see right into his soul. Ged sat forward.
“How are ya mam?” Marjorie wriggled about in the chair and gulped.
“I’m as fine as can be expected. How are you?” he smiled softly.
“I’m not good mam. So much has happened. I’m so down and can’t seem to pull myself back up.” His mother looked at him and wondered if he was trying to have her over for some cash. She quickly spoke.
“I’ve got no money, so don’t be asking me for owt.” He dipped his head as a river of tears ran from his eyes.
“I don’t need money mam. I need help. I need you.” He was shaking. “I wanna get clean and get off the shit.” Marjorie choked. Never in all the years of his drug use had Ged asked her for help. She was still apprehensive about him and questioned her son. Marjorie sat forward in her seat. She looked as if she was fighting with her hands to stop them comforting her son.
“How can I help you? You can only help yourself. You’ve never wanted help before, so why now?” Her words seemed cold and callous but he knew how much hurt and pain he’d caused her in the past. He pleaded.
“Mam... please! I can’t go on. I just need you to help me. Please.” His words dug into her heart like a twelve inch knife. She sat shaking her head slowly and knew he was desperate.
Ged cried. His mother sat glued to her chair and she found it hard to help him. Eventually she was at his side. Her eyes closed as she rested her head on his.
“Son... son.” she sighed, “I want to believe you, but think of all the shit you have told us in the past. I just don’t know you anymore.” Ged yelled his emotions from the bottom of his heart.
“Mam. I’ll change. I promise you. Can I come back here? Please. I swear I won’t let you down ever again.” Marjorie sobbed as she held the bag of bones that was her son. Her eyes were closed as tears fell. She knew her husband would have kittens if he knew Ged was even in the house never mind moving back in with them again. Biting down on her lip she made a decision.
“I’ll have to speak to your dad. You know it won’t be easy, but if you’re being honest with me then I’ll help you.” He fell to the ground between his mother’s knees. His eyes looked at hers as he begged her from the bottom of his heart.
“Please mam. I swear to you. Never again will I touch drugs.” Ged gripped her two hands in front of him and squeezed them together. She nodded her head and she accepted his plea for help.
“You better get upstairs and get in that bath if you want to stay here. You stink.” A smile filled her face and she led him upstairs.
“Right get in the bath. And use some soap.” Ged didn’t argue and followed her instructions. She placed a white fluffy towel on the toilet seat and told him to throw his clothes down once he’d got out of the bath so she could wash them. She left the bathroom and closed the door. Ged began to run the water into the bath. His body was weak and he didn’t think he could lift his legs into it. His mother knocked on the door and shouted.
“There’s some clothes outside the door and clean underwear.” His lips trembled as he sat in the bath.
“Thanks mam”, he whispered. The sound of his mother heading downstairs could be heard. Sliding into the bath his body lay flat. The warmth from the water made him feel safe. It felt like a warm blanket of love had been wrapped around his skin.
Ged disappeared under the water. When he re-appeared all his hair was stuck to his face. His mother’s mirror was sparkling clean and he sat up to look into it. His face had already changed from earlier. It seemed full of hope. Scrubbing his body he inhaled the fragrance from the soap. He’d never felt so clean in years. Even the water he lay in smelt clean. Finding a razor on the side he scraped at his face removing the stubble.
Once he was dried, he grabbed the clean clothes from outside the door. He halted as he could smell the familiar aroma of bacon being cooked. Heading downstairs his mother handed him a bacon butty and a mug of piping-hot tea. She smiled as she led him into the front room. As he sat down she spoke in a firm voice.
“He wasn’t over the moon... but he said you can stay.” He smiled and shook his head as she continued.
“There’s rules though. We’re not taking any shit. The first time you fuck up, you’re out. No chances, no nothing. You’ll be straight out of here on your arse, trust me.” He sucked up hard through his nose as he replied.
“Thanks mam. I won’t let you down. I know it’s going to be hard but I’m going to do it. I owe it to Shaun to get clean.” Marjorie knew all about Shaun’s death and agreed. She started to speak about it and watched her son deflate as he spoke about him.
Ged quickly moved towards his jacket. Marjorie thought he was leaving. She stood up and clenched her fists. As she saw him search through his coat she relaxed and sat back down. He passed her the letter.
His mother reached for her reading-glasses and hung them over her nose as she sat back in the chair reading. Her hand gripped around her throat as she read the words. Once she’d finished she looked up over her glasses and shrugged her shoulders.
“Is this letter meant for Shaun’s mother?” Ged nodded. “Has she read it yet?” Ged shook his head.
“No I’ve just found it in Shaun’s old coat. I didn’t know it was there. He must have written it before he died.”
“Oh, the poor woman,” she sobbed reaching for a box of tissues at the side of her. Gripping the letter to her heart she took a deep breath.
“You need to go and give it to his mother. It’s something she will need to read. Perhaps she might understand why he didn’t want to go on anymore.” Ged reached over and took the letter from her hands. He folded it and placed it into his tracksuit bottoms.
“I know mam. I’m going to take it round later. I think it’s something he wanted her to read.” Ged bit into his butty. He found it hard to eat and his mother watched him struggle to eat every mouthful. She spoke about the days ahead and told him his family would help him as much as possible. Marjorie knew it wouldn’t be plain sailing but lived in hope he would come through the other side.
They both sat talking for hours and before they knew it the sound of his father opening the front- door could be heard. Ged sat up straight in the chair and his body tensed. The last time he’d seen Eric he’d punched Ged right in the face. He’d dragged him from the house after he found out he’d stolen from them again. Ged faced the door as his dad came into sight.
Eric was sixty-seven. He still worked out and had a good body for his age. As soon as his eyes hit Ged’s he screwed his face up remembering all the hurt he’d caused his family. Marjorie could see this and jumped up from her chair.
“Do you want a brew love? The kettle’s just boiled.” Eric took his coat off and pulled a rolled-up newspaper from his pocket. He nodded to his wife. Ged felt uneasy and fidgeted. When his mother disappeared Ged spoke to his father while he was reading the newspaper.
“Dad... I’m gonna get clean you know. I know I’ve let you down in the past, but trust me this time please.” Ged sat back in the chair but no words were spoken.
Marjorie came back from the kitchen holding two cups. Quickly she placed them on the table and returned back to bring a plate of biscuits. Eric peered slowly over the paper. His face scrunched up in anger.
“What the fuck are they for!” he ranted sarcastically, “he’s not returning from the fucking war or something. Have you forgotten what he’s done?” Marjorie felt wounded. She sunk her body into the armchair. She knew he was right but she just wanted a peaceful life. As she crossed her legs she retaliated.
“For Christ’s sake Eric. Just give him a chance. Let’s see if he can change.” Ged stood up and went towards his coat. His face was filled with regret as he spoke.
“Mam, I’m gonna get off. I don’t want to cause any trouble.” As if she shit her knickers she jumped to her feet.
“You sit right back down.” Her eyes burnt into Eric with a look that could kill. She grabbed Ged’s arm to sit him back down.
“You park your arse back down there son. You’re going nowhere.” Eric threw his newspaper to the floor. As he stood up he pointed into his son’s face.
“You might be able to have her over, but I’m gonna be watching you like a hawk.” He left the room and you could hear him stamping up the stairs. Marjorie sat twiddling her thumbs. Her eyes focused on Ged. Shaking her head she reached her hand over to him.
“You better not let me down. He’ll come round without water. Just give him time.” Ged gritted his teeth and looked up towards the ceiling. He knew his dad was still angry with him and hoped in time he could prove him wrong. Looking at the clock he searched his pockets for the letter.
“Mam I’m just gonna whizz over to Gladys’s and give her this.” He waved the letter in front of her. Marjorie agreed and told him not to be long as she was making the tea. Watching him leave she prayed he would stick to his word. Ged grabbed his coat and came to his mother’s side. He quickly pecked her on the cheek and told her he wouldn’t be long.
Glady’s house was much the same as he remembered it. He hadn’t been to Shaun’s mother’s house in ages. Knocking at the front door he stood waiting patiently. Stepping back he looked up at the windows for any sign of someone being in. Katie’s face appeared at the window. She knocked on the window and waved her hand. Ged stood kicking the floor as she opened the door.
“Alright Ged. To what do we owe the honour?” Katie smiled. Ged had always secretly fancied her in the past. He blushed.
“Ermm...” he struggled for words. “Is ya mam in?” Katie looked at him and looked shocked and held her head to the side. She opened the door slowly and told him to come in.
Katie stood with her arm over the living-room door as Ged stood looking at Gladys. Her eyes watched his every move and she thought he was up to something. Telling her mam he was there she told Ged to sit down. Katie sat at the dining table and lit a cigarette.
“Hiya Gladys. Are you okay?” Her eyes turned to him and she looked in a world of her own. Taking a few minutes Gladys answered him.
“Yeah son. I’m getting by.” Gladys searched his face and realised he’d never come to her house unless Shaun was in trouble. Sitting up in her chair she gave a weak stretch.
“Katie put the kettle on will ya? Do you want one Ged? I’ve got some nice cakes to go with it.” He refused. Katie stormed into the kitchen. You could hear her filling the kettle with water. She stood by the door not wanting to miss the reason why he was there.
Gladys spoke briefly about the weather. Ged sat forward in his chair as he searched his pocket for the letter. Katie was on her tip-toes trying to see what it was he pulled from his pocket. Reaching over to Gladys he passed her the letter and sat back cupping his hands between his legs.
Slowly Gladys looked at Ged. His eyes filled with tears and he was unable to tell her what was inside the letter. Slowly she unfolded the crumpled piece of paper. The words looked blurred to her. She held the paper away from her eyes. Her eyesight had deteriorated over the years and she shouted to Katie to pass her some reading glasses she’d recently bought from the chemist.
Katie passed her mother the spectacles. She was sat on the arm of the chair trying to read over her shoulder. Gladys told her to finish the cup of tea and told her not to be so fucking nosey. Placing the plastic grey frames on her face the words looked clearer. Within seconds she realised the letter was from Shaun and raised her head to Ged.
“What... Where is this from?” Ged was still a mess and bit down onto his lip. Katie was back by her side holding a brew. She wasn’t moving for love nor money now. Gladys held a single hand round her neck stroking it slowly. She started reading. Her eyes screwed up as she tried to read the small handwriting.
‘Dear Mam.
Where do I start? Where do I begin? I don’t think I’m gonna be around much longer and needed to set the record straight with you. I know in the past I
’ve been a twat with you, but none of it was your fault. I’m a nob-head and just got caught up in a world of drugs and other shit. Mam... I hate what I’ve done and the person I’ve become. I know your probably crying now reading this letter and shaking your head telling yourself I’m wrong, but deep down mam, you know I’m right.
I’ve been mixed up in some sick shit lately. I’ve even been selling my body mam. It kills me to even to say that to you. It was the drugs mam. They just got a grip of me and made me into a monster. Every night I feel like ending it all, but I shit myself and can’t go through with it. I might one day, ay? I wish I would have been everything you wanted me to be. I look around at other people and I wish I could have had a normal life. Nobody cares about me anymore mam. My family, my friends. No one. I know you do but I’ve hurt you so much. I don’t know how you do it. I’ve just let you down time after time.
Perhaps you’ll never read this letter; perhaps I’ll never take my own life. Mam I’m shitting myself. The thought of dying on my own terrifies me. Still a big baby aren’t I? Anyway mam I just wanted to tell you thanks. Thanks is all I can say. There isn’t a word that will ever explain what you mean to me and I don’t know how else to say it. I love you mam and I’m sorry.
Tell our Katie I love her too. Make sure she gets rid of that nob-head boyfriend. He’s a cunt and always will be. She deserves better. I’ve got nowt to say to Paul or my dad except I love em. I love you all. Please try and remember me the way I was and not the way I ended up.
My mind’s all over the place at the moment mam. I can’t think of what else to say. I might finish this letter later or some other time. I love you mam. Sorry.
Always Shaun xxxx’
Tears fell down Gladys’s face as she dropped the letter on her lap. Katie reached over and read it. The room felt cold and Katie sat reading the letter twiddling her hair in her fingers. Ged stood up as she finished reading.