The Beast Is Me
The Beast and Me IV
D.S. Wrights
Copyright © 2016 D.S. Wrights
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1533427240
ISBN-13: 978-1533427243
For Padyn.
Thank you to Candy, Lilith, Michelle, and Thai for your enthusiasm.
Also, I want to thank Annie, and Avril for their excellent work.
Special thanks go to Nancy and Janneke. You rock!
Day 13
Almost two weeks and Daniel hasn’t improved much at all. After talking to Austin I promised him to pick up writing in my diary again. I don’t see any use in it, but then again, it had helped me while being White’s slave. Now I’m not. I’m my own woman, I’m free, and yet I’m a prisoner of my own wishes and hopes. There is still this dream inside of me that Jay might still be alive, imprisoned and waiting for me to break him free. And then there’s the part of me that thinks this to be absolutely ridiculous.
I know if Daniel hadn’t been a beast he would be dead already, and I wouldn’t mind. Austin keeps telling me that we need him if I want to accomplish my goal. I don’t see why I would need him, but then again, I’m not fully objective when it comes to following through with my plan. And yes, I wish that he would just simply die. Yet, he could be helpful. After all, two beasts are better than one. And if there is something Daniel loves, it’s being a beast.
Austin keeps reminding me that Daniel is worth more to us alive than he is dead, and I agree. But nothing more. I know first-hand that he enjoys being a beast instead of being human. Then again, sitting at his almost death bed, watching him fighting the only god I know, day by day, I feel like he hasn’t fulfilled his task just yet.
That’s the only reason why I am sitting at his bedside, taking care of him. I know there are moments when it’s not him, but Jay, who is lying there in my mind, battered and bruised. It’s those moments that I conjure something equal to caring. But I know Daniel doesn’t deserve any soft feelings from me. All of them have died along with Jay. Even though there is a part of me not accepting any of it. A part of me is sure that after Austin and I left with Daniel being close to the brink of death, Rook’s guys came and rescued what remained of White’s compound.
I need this hope to pull through, I need this light inside of me to go there and attack them in their high castles and kill them so that no one will ever have to go through what Jay and I went through.
And then again the pain is too strong. I see myself standing there in this field of hay and flowers, staring at the door, waiting for Jay and the others to run through it, into my arms, jumping into the cars and rushing away to freedom. Just as I had meant it to be. And then, I wake up in the middle of the night knowing all too well that it was nothing more than a dream.
I see myself forcing my hands to take care of the only other remaining beast. I tend to his wounds; I am being caring and gentle. I watch his injuries heal slowly, yet visible to my eyes. And all the while I catch myself asking why he should live. I catch myself making plans that will end up in finding signs of Jay still being alive while I watch Daniel die at my feet. And I still know that it’s all just a result of my hopes and dreams.
The urge to just smother Daniel is so strong, almost stronger than my instinct to breathe. But then I tell myself that I could just have left him there to die. I remind myself that he’ll be in my debt for life or at least until he has saved my life once or twice.
The doctor Austin has hired, told us that if Daniel would pull through the night it’ll be a miracle but he wouldn’t count on it. But that’s only because he isn’t aware of the abilities we beasts have. Yet, I’m growing impatient and I know that I’m being cruel. This guy is dancing on the brink of death and I am impatient.
All I know is that I can’t continue living like this, pacing up and down, carving a trail into the ground while trying to make sense of it all, when I already know that there is no rational reason for this project to exist.
Daniel is all I have left of the beast program and, ironically, he’s the only one who can really teach me the ways of being a beast. The irony is even worse because of all the people who joined us in our escape, he was the one I would have sacrificed first and now he is all I have left.
Day 17
Daniel opened his eyes today and while I was watching him claw his way back to the surface of consciousness, I was fighting the urge to rip out his throat. Yet, there was a part of me which was utterly relieved. This guy has been a beast way longer than me and has embraced it.
Not that I have any trouble in welcoming the change I’ve been through, but the only sign of me being a beast is when I am feeling rage. It’s the only time my beast is testing its boundaries, but it never breaks free. I am angry a lot, but I never lose my temper.
And then there is him, Daniel. The beast and person I have loathed most and the only one I have left.
I remember that time I had intimidated him, telling him that I was his alpha’s mate and that he had to obey me. But now… the alpha is gone… and I am wondering how he will look at the current situation and how he will look at me. Will he accept me as his alpha or will he challenge me?
Yet, none of these thoughts are important. And I can’t worry about it. I wish I could, but I can’t. Because there is this black hole in my chest where my heart used to be. And just below that there is a new heart beating, but it’s not my own. Yet, it’s the reason I get up every morning, the fuel that keeps me going with the need to protect it.
So, when Dan’s eyes opened I stayed there where I was at his bedside, watching over him, because I knew then as I know now that I need him to avenge the ones we’ve lost. And I hope that he cares enough to join in my crusade.
As his eyes focused on his surroundings and he took everything in, he eventually stopped at my face… and he smiled at me. It was a strange smile, one that he hadn’t the right to make. He had no right to smile softly, tenderly even, and it made me so furious… the way he looked at me.
I swear, I would have sliced his throat if he had dared to say anything at that moment, but he stayed quiet, just looking at me as if I was Mary Magdalena herself. It was that gaze that disarmed and deflated me, despite my disgust towards him that kept me going. And now I am absolutely torn between these emotions: the urge to maul him and the one to feel his soft skin against mine. I don’t know if I ever hated myself before, but I sure loathe myself every time I look at this guy.
I guess I have to be grateful that I have Austin still here and helping. I am sure that he hadn’t planned on sticking around. He surely had divested his own fair share of money when he created that bank account for Jay and me. But he’s still here, still checking on me and Dan, still caring for me and this creature-like human. Maybe it’s his conscience; maybe he just likes me and hates to see me alone and forlorn. I don’t really know, but I am still grateful that he is here with us. And I know that I should be.
I guess, without him really knowing, he saved Daniel’s life and my soul more than once. He stuck around when he didn’t have to and for me he’s a saint. But of course I don’t let him know that. I know he is still around because he feels as if he has failed Valerie. And, of course, I know that this isn’t true, because Jay betrayed them all. He was supposed to lead them all into freedom and safety and instead he let them all die. I can’t allow Austin to know that, because it would make it real. Right now it’s just in my mind and it still can just be a figment of my imagination. But, the moment I share it with Austin, Jay’s betrayal will become real and I… I just can’t bear the thought of it.
Day 19
Dan’s improving q
uickly ever since he has opened his eyes. I guess once he was able to do that and suck it all in, he was back on track. I’m still torn about whether I should like his progress or not. But eventually I keep my focus on my goal and I’m willing to take every glance and every thought he’s sending along the way. And I’m willing to endure almost everything he is thinking of, and I know it’s a lot. And yet, there is no price too high for Jay to still be alive.
I know that I am lying to myself. I can’t keep count on how often I have crumpled his letter and straightened it out on a table, doing my best to have it appear unharmed. Yet, I’m still torn about his betrayal.
He thought he was freeing me from being a beast by having Val create the anti-virus. Jay didn’t even really know why there had to be two syringes. He didn’t care to investigate or ask her about it. Jay betrayed not only me, but them all. They all trusted him and he led them into certain death. And why? To make sure no beast would survive, because he believed that I would inject myself with the anti-virus the very second I knew he was dead?
How could he do that to me?
Even without him knowing that I am pregnant, how could he abandon me like that?
I know his motives and yet, I can’t comprehend how he was able to go through with it.
Well, I guess that’s the real reason why Austin wants me to continue writing a diary. Because I feel like tearing my hair out and hurting myself, like punching against the steel beams of our new home.
Can anyone blame me for hating Dan? A lot of people, who are now dead, might have. It wasn’t him who abandoned me and betrayed everyone because of a warped perception of what was right.
It’s not that I don’t get Jay’s ulterior motive… but how? I just can’t control this rage that the mere thought of his choosing death over me creates in my chest. Ironically, this rage doesn’t wake my Beast. My Beast isn’t a weapon.
Day 20
I will not continue to write all of this down. I don’t want to repeat myself over and over and over again, hoping that my feelings about what happened change on their own. I know they won’t.
Maybe one day, when his child is born, I will be able to forgive him, but right now I can’t and I don’t want to. I need this pain and this rage, because it will give me the strength and determination to go after them all.
Austin had his own agenda, too, and he stole enough information about the compound that we might be able to track them down via payments and communications. We haven’t spoken much about it, but I think that his plan had been to bring them all to the public, through newspaper or TV, but I think he begins to realize that no one would believe him; and honestly it’s too outrageous, too far-fetched that anyone would believe anything about this.
I can sense some sort of pain in him, about something he hasn’t revealed yet. And I believe that I can use his suffering for my own agenda. Yes, I am willing to use people so that I can get justice for all those who have suffered and died thanks to White. And, so that I can get revenge. But, when I am being honest with myself, all I want is for my child to live without any imminent threat.
Hell, I can’t lie to myself. All of this is true, but in fact… all I want is for my suffering to turn into blood, my inner pain released. I want to be violent, I want to cause pain and agony, so that mine stops.
I wake up in the middle of the night because of the noises of torment I hear, just to realize that it’s me, my face wet from my tears.
He left me, he threw me away for his moral code. He abandoned me, US, his child and me, for what? To make sure no beasts would roam the earth? How could he be so sure that this compound was the only one? How could he be so sure that his own comrades wouldn’t be able to restrain themselves as he did. How could he be so sure that he and I wouldn’t be able to help them?
How could he be so sure that I would be able to live without him?
No. This is the last time. I will not continue to mourn him when he is the one… He is a murderer, not a savior. A murderer deserves no mourning, just as the people willing to torture, experiment on, and disfigure human beings aren’t allowed to live.
Day 22
The only thing I did today was push Dan back down onto his bed. His injuries have almost vanished, but there are a few scars disfiguring his body. I can’t help but like them.
It is my disgust I feel for him that gives me the ability and strength to stay indifferent and objective when it comes to him. Yet, it’s still remarkable that his body only needed three weeks to recover from something as lethal as having a building collapse on top of him. It still gives me hope that the rest of my pack might have survived; including my alpha male.
“Meg.”
My first impulse was to slash his face for his daring to address me, but somehow I managed to control that fiery impulse and did nothing but look at him.
“Where are the others?”
I swallowed hard. So many days he had looked at me and not realized the undeniable truth. His words rubbed salt into my wounds.
“There are no others,” I answered as calmly as I could muster and braced myself for his comment, his reaction, anything that he could throw at me, but Dan stayed silent.
“You should gather your strength and focus on recovering, Four,” I heard myself use his chosen name.
“As you say,” he answered and grabbed my hand that rested mere millimeters next to his own.
I hadn’t been able to bring myself to touch him in days and here he was, completely ignoring my torment and just doing what I had been pondering about for three weeks. My reaction was instant and I looked at him completely tense. He just glanced back as if he was trying to tell me something; something important. And although Daniel didn’t utter a word, a feeling took hold of my body. It was a calmness, something I hadn’t felt since Jay allowed himself to be blown up and abandon me.
Was Dan trying to tell me that I was his alpha now?
It sure felt like it. However, because his hand had grabbed mine, I was incapable of moving away without rupturing the connection. It was crazy to feel like it was wrong, especially because it was Dan who held my hand, but for me it seemed like blasphemy to leave that beast alone.
I guess I will always hate him in a way, or rather despise him, I will always send him away if he is able to walk. He is not my protector and thank god he doesn’t know that I am pregnant, at least yet.
Why am I feeling this resentment towards him? I don’t know. Maybe because he dared to survive while everyone else, everyone who I would rather see alive, was dead.
Day 26
Dan is on his feet and working out.
Or should I say practicing?
I see him on the mats, doing his exercises and I catch myself envying him for his experience. I know I should just get over myself and ask him to teach me, just as I asked Nina before him. Yet, something holds me back and I stay staring at him like some creep.
I can see his glances when he catches me watching him, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t tease me like I would expect him to. No, I even feel as if he is slowing down so I am able to reenact his movements. And I end up trying to simulate his movements when I have the lower level for myself.
I know it’s ridiculous. I know I should just ask him, but something is holding me back. It’s the feeling of betraying someone and I know it’s the very one who betrayed and abandoned me in the first place.
I should grow up.
Day 27
I swallowed my own pride and asked him to train me. I didn’t even need to convince him, almost as if he knew what Austin and I are planning. He was eager to help and instruct me. Somehow I knew he was just willing to do so because he was allowed to touch me that way.
Every time he does it feels like a live current is placed against my skin. As if I am being reminded every time that I am betraying Jay. But he has betrayed me. I owe him nothing. It annoys me so very much. It angers me and makes me furious and therefore a very attentive and hands on student.
I
endure Dan’s touch, and I grit my teeth every time to prevent myself from flinching. Sometimes it works. Every other time FOUR ignores it. But, I think he knows that I am repelled by his touch. I hate it, and yet it seems to be the only thing reminding me that my body isn’t a cold corpse.
When I exercise and when we spar, it’s not only the physical aspect that makes me become warm, sweaty and achy. Oh, how I love to feel my body, literally feel it. The aching muscles, my panting, and the pulse in my neck, chest, and head. I just love it. And I love every reaction of my body when Daniel touches me.
I don’t know what this makes me. Maybe I’m betraying Jay, but he’s dead, so who cares? And it’s just about exercising anyway and I am learning fast, because as much as I enjoy my body rebelling against his touch, I would love it even more to be able to stop him from touching me.
He might be in the best shape, but I don’t care, and somehow I know that he doesn’t either. Dan hates to be weak, hates that he cannot stay in Beast mode for very long, and I enjoy it. I enjoy it when he’s out of breath, I enjoy it when I am faster than him, and I enjoy it when I hit him and when I draw his blood. It’s the best feeling ever. Well, almost the best thing, but I still take second best, if I can’t have the very best… ever again.
God, I want to punch myself, hurt myself every time my thoughts roam back to him. It’s almost a month now and I still feel like my heart has been clawed out by him. I understand his motivation, his reason, but I just can’t fathom how he was able to give me up.
Would he have not done it if I had told him? That’s what wakes me up at night. Was it my fault? No, he didn’t love me enough, did he? To find a way out of all of this.
The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4) Page 1
