Gorm's body is already cold to the touch, as the rest of us are even though our hearts do not rest, but he seems even more like a statue, after only a few minutes. So, while I get down on the ground and cover him as best as I can, I do so quickly, because of how much it hurts to see him this way and because I am basically burying him myself, but I also do it carefully so that he is deep enough not to be disturbed while Em and I rest. And, once I turn around, she is already waiting for me, sitting down in front of her little cave and watching me with care while I finish what I knew she would not be able to do, and, when I walk over and approach her, she has something to say.
"You first."
I am not sure what she means initially, but, after she shifts to the side, I see how she has made more space in our little den and understand. I would prefer not to sleep on snow, covered by more snow to keep away what little cold my body can bear before I freeze to death, but, once I take off my sword and sheath, push it to the back, and sit down inside and crouch down enough that I'm almost bent in half, she pushes some of the debris she had dug up in front of our little spot. And, as soon as she is beside me inside of the cave with her sword where mine lies, she reaches forward and sets fire to the pile with a couple of sticks the same way Abraham once did.
The flames burn in a little dip low enough that the wind should not put out the flames entirely, and, for a while, we just hold each other. She seems to doze in and out as her head rests against my shoulder, never falling asleep entirely, and I just sit and watch her, and wonder about the random details that could only matter to me when I have nothing else to worry about. Specifically, I pray that, now that Gorm has passed on, dying for something greater than himself, hopefully all of the tension between Em and the rest of their people will be gone. I know it is not so easy, but I figure Fern has already returned and shared what has happened with his last brother, the king, for better or worse. If he can get away with helping Gorm and losing other lives in the process, then everything should be alright. That is, only if he comes back tomorrow. I will let Em decide what she wants to do, then, even though her father's last words made me believe he wants her to stay with us.
I am tempted to ask her now, as the shadows over the land only grow and grow until there is nothing but darkness left after the sun has set, but, before I can, I am waking her as I stare at something else, something that I am not sure is truly happening before my eyes.
"Em, wake up."
She doesn't take long to stir from what slumber she has managed to sink into, but, once she looks at me, I have something to ask her.
"Can you see them, too?"
Out in the valley, all over the place, blue lights dance through the snow, stirring the ground as they move like they are more than just lights, and, one at a time, whenever they look to be ready, they rise into the sky until they are out of sight. The more and more I look, the more I think I can make shapes out in the lights, what look to be figures, arms, legs, a head, and a chest, and Em's response tells me I am not crazy, or that maybe both of us are.
"I have seen them my entire life. They are spirits, leaving our world. You are the first person to ever notice them with me."
The sight of it is wonderful, but, while I wish I could just focus on what both of us see, and that she is beside me now that we have made it through another day alive, together, I can't help myself from asking what comes out of my mouth.
"Did you see Abraham after he passed, then?"
Without looking at me, or acknowledging how painful the question might be, Em answers confidently.
"Yes."
I know her father is one with them now, but, with that confirmation, I have to know more, if we might experience the same with Gorm.
"Did you talk to him? Did he seem at peace?"
As each of my words come out, I become surer that this is not the right time to ask this after her father has died, when I am already certain it is wrong, but I keep going because maybe this is what I need to do to find peace too. And, thankfully, her words offer it, beautifully.
"I don't usually talk to them. I don't really acknowledge them at all, but I did see him standing there with his sword still on his hip, smiling beside everyone as his body became one with the wind, and I couldn't talk to him because of all the people around."
Hearing that, I find happiness in such a troubling time, and hope that Gorm will offer us the same when his spirit is ready to leave our world, but, somehow, she has more to say, while she finally looks at me when she speaks because what she has left to share is so important.
"Though, I did follow him back to your tent, and watched him look in on you before he disappeared for eternity."
Knowing that, knowing that he could have been standing there and I did not know, like mistaking his presence for the wind, that hurts me, but I also find the peace I am looking for by being told that his last task before he moved on was to check in on me. That means a lot, so I have to express my gratitude.
"Thank you, Emily."
Now that we are both wide awake and still watching the light show the spirits put on, she puts her head on me again and reveals her regret.
"I should have told you sooner. I'm sorry."
It is unfortunate she feels she has to be sorry for keeping that from me, but I do not look down upon the fact. I can't imagine how hard it would be to explain something like that, when the other person has not seen it for themselves like I do now, so, with that in mind, I only have one more question to ask.
"Don't be, but can you tell me what it all means? Why can we see them like this?"
I figure the question is difficult to answer, but, because she seems to have experienced it so many times prior to today, I thought I might try, and just hear what she has to say.
"I've never been too sure. Maybe we are close to death too."
Em holds one of her wrists afterwards, even though she knows I stare at her, and I am not sure why she treats it like something strange is on her skin, or if she is just trying to warm herself up. So, because I am so cold too, I lie down and invite her to lie in front of me, to keep us both warm, and, faster than the lights in the sky can fade, we doze off, with the blue lights illuminating us both. I only wake up once at night, following what sounds like Yemi's wolves howling in the distance, and, in the brief moment that I am able to open my eyes before I fall back to sleep, I notice that Em is no longer in my arms, but, outside of our little cave, I think I see her figure out in the snow past the fire and the wind that blows, as she hugs her father one last time as his body glows, still twice her size. Yet, it is impossible to tell what exactly I am seeing when I am back asleep so soon, and if what I saw was real or just my dreams all along.
The following morning, her and I wake up together at the sound of footsteps, not too far off. People are expected, and I should have known we would sleep too long when we have both made a habit of that already if she wasn't just lying in my arms again, awake the entire time I slept. All I know is she got back into my arms without waking me up if what I saw was real, and, when I roll her over to wake her up, she doesn't struggle much to look at me, nor does she look so tired anymore. So, without moving so fast we send snow toppling on top of us, I leave a single kiss on her lips and wait for her to slide out into the open air before I do too. I drag my sword and hers with me, putting my sheath back on once I have stood up and then handing her weapon to her. And, while we both approach the group of giants that have come from the city, alongside Yemi, I look at Em and how tall she stands with pride and so much strength she looks ready for another fight, as I wonder why someone did not wake us up sooner especially if we were close enough for them all to see. This couldn't be clearer as all of them stare at us, so maybe Yemi has just grown tired of waking me up, which I wouldn't blame him or Abraham for if he was still around.
More giants have come with Fern to replace the friends lost yesterday, and, as we watch them cover Gorm's body in a sheet and lift him off of the ground on a layer of wood, I'm remi
nded of what I saw when we first set up our camp outside the city, and how much more it hurts when we know the man underneath. I try not to spend too much time thinking about that, and instead think on the positive that they were able to find his body when I never marked where I buried him, but, while the rest of the giants leave with the two carrying Gorm, Fern stays behind to stand with us, as I stare at the shape Gorm left in the ground. Only when I feel how quiet they all are weighing on me do I speak to break the silence.
"What will you do now?"
The question is directed at Fern, even though we should be asking it to ourselves, and he does not struggle to answer.
"Stay busy. I have many wives to comfort after all these deaths."
I'm not sure how to take that at first, if he is comforting the wives of his dead friends, some of whom will be impossible to lay to rest as some of ours were, no doubt, but maybe the man has many wives. He could have referred to them as widows, rather than wives, but I try to move on from that with another worry of mine.
"Was the king not upset that you got involved?"
Fern's response shows he predicted what would happen all along.
"No. Gorm is gone. There's no reason to hold any grudges now, and, even with the giants nearby gone, our people still need me and the men I returned with to stand watch."
This whole time Yemi and Em have just been watching as the two of us carry on with our own conversation, despite the four of us being bunched up together. My simple response to Fern captures my desire to bring an end to that.
"I understand."
I hope giving him nothing else to further the conversation—regarding the future and the past to come following our actions—would end with us leaving to return to our separate groups of people back near the city, while I can still see the men he brought in the distance, but he has something else on his mind.
"What about her? Do you think she will want to come home, finally?"
I can only assume he speaks of Em, but, why he asks me rather than looking at her and asking directly, I do not know. He could be afraid to ask, so I move the conversation to the one responsible for the decision.
"I don't know, but I think we should ask her."
Because she is standing so close, that is enough to get Em to speak up.
"Wherever these two are, I am at home. That is what my father would have wanted, and I think you know there is nothing for me in that city."
Her words come out honest and certain, but what she says last could affect Fern the wrong way, since he could certainly give her a home to live in if she wanted it. Yet, while it is impossible to tell how he feels, he nods, and I accept that as his understanding, now that we all know Em's intentions, when he moves on.
"Where are you all off to, then?"
One hard thought after the next, none of us have had time to even talk about that alone, so, afraid to make any true judgements without speaking to Yemi and Em, I make the same comment myself and Yemi have made several times since we entered these white valleys.
"Somewhere with less snow, hopefully."
I think Fern understands what is happening, and that we are not trying to leave him out, especially if the future of his niece is so uncertain. We just don't know yet. So, after he has walked in between Yemi and I, he offers Em a hug to match her father, before we all move on once he says his own goodbye.
"Good luck to you all."
When he is gone long enough that the wind will not carry our voices to his ears, Yemi kicks some snow, laughs to himself, and responds to the answer I gave to Fern about the most important question of all.
"Less snow, you think? I know a place. I have seen Gorm's maps many times and know by heart where he wanted to go next."
He speaks with a smile on his face, and, if Yemi can smile, I can too, and my smile only grows when Em shows how much she has grown these past few weeks as well.
"If I knew my father at all, he left it knowing we would follow through."
We. That is what matters, and, though I have a question to ask, I'm certain we all know the answer already.
"Are we going to finish what he started, then, or what?"
Aedan
It's hard to say how long we have walked, or what is left of us, but our journey to our next destination has taken longer than any other. I try not to count the minutes, hours, days, weeks, when the heat of the sun is endless, but a few have gone by as we have traveled through even more of the snow than we wanted to, until the white on the mountains around us turned to green. And, not long after, it turned yellow. Mountains became dunes. Frozen toes became burning soles, and part of me even wants to feel the snow once again, despite all that happened back near the home of Gorm and Em.
Yemi and I lead on, or lead what we can, but the desert that Yemi could not wait for has killed us more than any obstacle or foe we have faced yet. Mentally, we are exhausted, dead almost, and many of the men have passed on too, including Newt, as our supplies grow fewer and fewer. Our tents and bundles of fabric do nothing here but keep away the cold at night on these bare lands. Most of the horses we had left were some of the first to die, especially when they only consumed more of our dwindling food and drink, but, with their deaths, we have gained some food and worthless hide.
Because of that, we have had to leave much of what we once had. Most of our wood and the loose fabrics, belongings deemed unimportant, and anything else that the few wagons we had left could carry either with what horses we do have or with the help of men strong enough to drag their legs still, through ever shifting sands. Those who can no longer walk, or are ready to give up, know they will be left to die slowly if they do not keep up, when we still have no idea if we will find our destination soon or food and especially drink along the way.
When the horses and their food are not enough, small lizards crawl across the land, and, with the help of the wolves, they are easily caught. Yet, it is only a matter of time before they become more of a burden than a help in this weather, where my skin burns wherever I cannot hide the flesh without sweating to death. Some of us show signs of hallucination, seeing what is not there, like the oasis that we need so desperately, and the toll all of this has taken on us is enough to make any shared words painful. Sadness, anger, all come out, and Yemi is the next to complain, when I would appreciate it if he did not.
"I have so much sand in places it should not be that I'd be better off without clothes at all."
What he says is still filled with enough of a joke that I don't immediately shout something back, but, once I feel the sun shining into my eyes, forcing me to squint, for the hundredth time just today, I say something under my breath that he hears, unfortunately.
"You did say you wanted to come home."
My words stop him, and, as he glares at me, I do the same, awaiting his response.
"Does that mean you do not want to be here?"
Yemi sounds so excited to say that, like he has been harboring thoughts of giving up this entire time, so I make my feelings about that known as directly as I can.
"No. I am still committed to what we need to get done."
Some of our men have already stopped, including Yemi's brothers, and Em too, and that only gets worse when it becomes clear what was barely a conversation is turning into an argument.
"I am not. I think it is time to give up, before none of us are left!"
He looks at me with more anger than I have ever seen in his eyes, so dark out here despite the sun shining down on us and leaving no expression or detail hidden, like the sweat on our brows that I have to wipe from my own eyes, and, because his raised voice has drawn more of a crowd around us when it is dangerous for all of us to stop, I try to reason with him and everyone else.
"We have already come so far, and all the other deaths would have been for nothing if we stop now."
Yemi responds so fast and with so much hatred that I worry about what comes next.
"We will die for nothing! There will be nothing left. How are we
supposed to fulfill Gorm's goal of us all living on in stories passed down if we all die in this fucking sand?"
I'm certain Gorm's old home will carry on some stories already, but so many men gather around us, stopping us all under the heat of the sun, that Yemi's thoughts risk becoming their own, and risk getting me killed if I do not give in or convince them otherwise. So, I speak as loud as I can, so loud that everyone in the ring around us is forced to listen even if they'd rather lie in the sand and never get up again.
"You all know what you signed up for, and that, even if we all die, the land will tell our story for ages to come! The bones of all these giants, our bones too, this desert can only hide so much. Just like the snow, and the sea, or the grass in a valley can try and fail to do the same. What we have done is so insane that not even time itself could wash us away."
The people around us stand silent, not sure of what comes next, but, as I see Yemi put his hands to his swords on his waist and speak again, I understand.
"You will not sway me with your words. Not this time, boy, and, if you are ready to risk the lives of everyone so carelessly, then I have to stop you now."
It takes little time for him to draw both of his blades, and, when I should be drawing mine, I am asking questions instead.
No Name for the Free Page 21
