by Rye Hart
I stepped into the tub that reminded me of Whitney before I turned on the shower. I had no idea how in the world I was going to get back to normal. I had no idea if the nightmares were ever going to go away again. It was easier when the nightmares settled in. It was easier when I wasn’t reminded of what peace felt like. I’d dealt with them for two solid years and I’d gotten used to being disturbed. I’d gotten used to being bothered and sleepless. I’d gotten used to having to fill my body with coffee just to get through half the day before I needed another sleepless nap.
But then Whitney happened.
She appeared in my life and reminded me of what it felt like to have peace. Her body reminded me of how wonderful it felt to have the warmth of a woman around and her smile reminded me of what it felt like to be happy. I knew what a good night’s rest felt like when she was in my arms and it was something I’d completely forgotten I was capable of. I’d made my bed in my misery and it didn’t seem so bad. The comparison I used to have had faded into the dark recesses of my mind.
But now, with everything I’d experienced with her, the comparison was fresher than ever.
Now, I painfully understood the lack of sleep I was getting. Now, I painfully understood how much it hurt my body to wake up from these nightmares. She revived that comparison with her eyes and her smile and her playful demeanor and, now, I was sinking back into the hellhole she’d found me in.
I was sickeningly aware of how lonely it was in this cabin, and I couldn’t stand it any longer.
I needed to go into town. I wasn’t sure what I would need from town but I was sure I was running out of something here. I stayed in the shower and allowed the steam to drift around my body until the water started running cold. Then I got out and toweled myself down. The sun was shining through the few windows the cabin harbored and I could tell the snow was melting further and further. I’d be able to travel into town with my truck and not have any issues.
And then I remembered that damn tree.
I put on some clothes and slid on my boots before I dug around in my shed for my chainsaw. The downed tree would be rotted out and soaking wet but I took my chainsaw just in case. If I didn’t clear the main pathway to get to the road, then I’d have to wind my way back through the resort to get to town.
I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to risk running into Whitney and having to admit to her I was wrong.
She had been right. I needed to open up to her, but not for any of the reasons she spat out. I didn’t owe it to her to open up, nor was it some sort of requirement for us to move forward. I should’ve opened up to her because I wanted to. Because there were so many times where I’d come so close to telling her everything. Like over the rice and beans she cooked at the cabin or over dinner when we’d had a little too much to drink. So many times when my body was practically begging me to open up to her and I was fighting it.
It was wrong to accuse her of using me because, the truth was, I’d used her in some ways. When I found solace in her presence, I didn’t want to let her out of my sight. I didn’t want to risk losing the peace she instilled within me whenever she was around and that wasn’t fair to her. Sure, I might’ve just been a fling to her, but we were both providing temporary comfort to one another. She knew it and, deep down, I knew it.
It just made me upset that I’d allowed myself that temporary comfort in the first place.
This was where the line for men like me got confusing. We made our bed in our sorrows and we dealt with them. Was it fun? Hell no. Was it comfortable? Not even fucking close to it. But we got used to it and that dulled the pain of the experience. It wasn’t ideal but neither were the circumstances that put men like me in that position to begin with. Men like me would actively stay away from things we knew would bring us comfort because we knew that would make the nights harder. But if we ever found that type of comfort, if we ever allowed ourselves to indulge in the idea that maybe this could all turn around, then we were fucked. Like I was right now. I was fucked from the moment I allowed myself to explore Whitney’s body because I knew the beauty it would bring into my life. I knew what a woman’s presence was capable of doing to a man and I knew I was crossing a line I might never come back from.
And hearing her confirm that this was only temporary shot me into a blind state of panic.
She would leave and I’d go back to the hell of an existence I was living now. She’d leave to proceed with her life and I would be nothing but a glory fuck while for me she was so much more. So much good and so much bad at the same time. Hearing her talk about our dwindling time together only served to remind me that everything was temporary. Just like my sanity, or my comfort, or the men I’d killed with my own two hands.
I walked all the way down the path to the downed tree and cranked up my chainsaw. I probably didn’t need it with how wet the wood was but I cut the tree into chunks anyway. I tossed them off to the side and cleared the path before I started back up to my cabin, my mind still racing with thoughts of Whitney and where I’d gone wrong.
I’d never find another woman like her and I’d spoiled the bit of time I had been granted with her.
I slung my chainsaw into the back of the truck before I slid into it. I set myself to getting another chain for it while I was in town, just in case I didn’t already have a spare. I cranked the truck up and rode into town with my tired mind swirling around the past week but then I saw something that caught my eye.
There was a main road that split Gatlinburg in half. One side was a tourist-type side and one side was geared toward the locals. But that main road traveled all the way through the town. If you passed the grocery stores and the restaurants, however, the street narrowed into a two-lane road that dumped right into the heart of downtown. I had to cross through downtown to get to the only shop I trusted with my power tools and such but I didn’t get through it before I stopped.
I’d only ever been out here a few times but it had different kinds of shops. Coffee shops and craft shops. A used bookstore and a couple of antique stores. A jeweler set his shop up there and a couple of hole-in-the-wall restaurants had made a name for themselves on the strip but there were two vacant buildings that hadn’t been vacant before.
They were for sale and they were right next to one another.
I pulled my truck over to look at the two buildings while a series of ideas crossed my mind. I knew I was crazy even thinking them but, even as I tried to pull myself away, I pulled my phone from my pocket. Both buildings seemed to be a decent size and, as my phone rang in my ear, I chuckled to myself.
I really had lost my mind.
“Hello?” the gruff voice asked.
“Yes. Hello. My name is Liam Canter and I’m looking at a couple of buildings downtown that are for sale. Am I talking with the right person?”
“That’s me,” he said. “Name’s Lee. What can I do ya for?”
“I was wondering if you could give me a price quote on the two buildings,” I said.
“To sell ‘em and get those damn things off my hands, I’ll cut ya a deal. I’m tired of upkeepin’ ‘em. Too old to do most of the maintenance. Back’s no good anymore. Three hundred thousand for the both of ‘em, but they come as-is.”
“Can you give me a rundown of what needs to be done to them?” I asked.
I knew it was a farfetched idea, even as the older man talked me through things that needed to be fixed. Everything seemed pretty superficial. No plumbing or electrical issues that he knew of. I took a mental list of all the things I could fix on my own before I’d have to bring in someone to fix up the rest of it all and, even then, I could hear my mind calling me crazy. Something like this would never work and, even if I thought it would, how in the hell was I going to get Whitney to talk to me?
I honestly wasn’t sure, but this chance opportunity seemed too perfect to pass up.
CHAPTER 30
WHITNEY
I missed him.
Even though he was only temporary and
even though I was right in insinuating that it was a fling, I missed him. As I lay there in Gwen’s guest bedroom applying for mediocre jobs in the area online, all I could hear was Liam’s voice in my head. I was recounting the conversation we had about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I could hear his voice asking me about starting my own business. Telling me that I was in control of my life. That I could do what I wanted for the rest of my life if I just set out to do it.
But my phone ringing ripped me from my thoughts.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Any word from any of the jobs?”
“Hello, Gwen. I only started applying today.”
“Well, you’re awesome and they should see that.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“You still pining over that guy?” Gwen asked.
“No,” I said.
“You’re a liar and a cheat, Miss Hollis.”
“Is that your best lawyer voice?” I asked. “Because you sounded constipated.”
“Why don’t you come down to the new shop?” she asked. “Get your mind off things.”
“I’m applying for jobs,” I said.
“And how many have you applied for?” she asked.
“Seven.”
“That’s enough for today. Get your ass out of bed and get down here. I’m signing the papers.”
“Wait, you’re what? Don’t touch a thing until I get there. Let me look over the paperwork first.”
“Then get out of bed and get down here,” she said.
Scrambling out of bed, I ran around my room and threw some clothes on. My mind went straight from finding a job I didn’t hate, to helping Gwen with her dream. I stumbled out of the room while I hopped into some jeans and I managed to get my coat around my body before I grabbed my purse. I was so excited for my best friend to have finally made it to this point. She practically inundated me with pictures when I’d gotten back into town.
The truth was, I couldn’t stay at the resort. I tried distracting myself with the hot tub and some coffee at the cafe on site, but I just couldn’t do it. The front desk worked with me as much as they could to get my money refunded but I could only obtain half of what I’d sunk into the trip.
Half was better than none and it got me back home to Memphis by Saturday evening.
I rolled that fight around in my head the entire trip back. I flung my arms around my best friend when she opened the door for me and I broke down and cried. I didn’t even really know what I was crying over. I just knew that I was hurting. Hurting in ways I’d never experienced before.
Well, I experienced it one time before. When I realized my parents were never coming back for me.
She tried to calm me down by showing me pictures of the four spots she’d narrowed her business down to and I chose the two I liked the most. They had wonderful locations and a decent amount of space. Plenty of room for her to put in stations in case she wanted to hire any other hair stylists and beauticians to work with her.
I was hoping she’d chosen one of those two places.
I got into my car and Gwen shot me the address. I recognized it instantly and cheered to myself all the way down the road. She’d picked one of the ones I’d pointed out to her and I had a feeling I knew why she had picked it.
It was right across the street from a beauty supply shop, which meant she wouldn’t have to do much footwork to get her clients last-minute things if they changed their minds on her.
“Here. Take a look.”
Gwen shoved the paperwork at me before I even got out of the car. There was a very anxious man standing on the sidewalk, shivering in his lack of clothing while I sat in the warmth of my car. I read over every word and turned over every page, just to make sure no one was swindling my best friend.
“You know you’re buying this place, right?” I asked. “Not renting it?”
“Yep. Only took the monthly payment up forty bucks, so I decided to purchase it.”
“Okay. I don’t see anything in here that looks too frightening,” I said. “Just wanted to make sure you knew you were buying it, since the last time we talked, you said you were going to rent. Has the place been inspected?”
“Guy came by yesterday.”
“On a Sunday?” I asked.
“I told the inspector I’d do her daughter’s hair for prom for free this coming April if she came and did the inspection free of charge for me.”
“You’ve always been a tough negotiator,” I said, grinning. “The paperwork looks good. I can see the place?”
“Get out of that car first, girl. We gotta talk.”
Rolling my eyes, I got out of the car while Gwen signed the paperwork. I watched her shake the frozen man’s hand before he handed her a copy of the paperwork. Then he practically ran back to his truck. Gwen dangled the keys from her fingers before she unlocked the door and then she opened the beautiful double doors into her future salon, and I gasped.
“This place is much bigger than your photos,” I said.
“Yep. And I love it. I want this place to be a one-stop beauty shop. Hair, waxing, nails, and massages.”
“I didn’t know you had a permit to do massages,” I said.
“I don’t,” she said. “That’ll have to be my first employee but I’m ecstatic.”
“Talk me through your finances,” I said. “Did you take out a loan to buy this place or are you using all of your savings to do it?”
“I put a decent down payment on the building so I could keep myself afloat month to month just doing hair. I’m in the process of taking out a loan—”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “In the process?”
“Chill, Whitney. It’s been approved. It just won’t hit my account for me to do anything with until Wednesday.”
“Don’t scare me like that,” I said.
“Once it hits my account, that’ll be the money I use to start doing this place up right.”
“Are you hiring a contractor to help you with this stuff? Or are you doing it on your own?”
“I have an interior designer coming in and giving me some of his time for free in exchange for nail services.”
“A guy doing his nails?” I asked.
“Hey, they’re out there. I get them more than you think. Anyway, he’s coming in to help me figure out how it would be best to lay this place out. He even offered to sketch up some designs I could go with.”
“All for some nails,” I said.
“What can I say? The people of Memphis enjoy taking care of themselves.” She grinned. “Plus, the best advertisement in the beauty and body modification industry is word of mouth. The more people I can cut deals like this with, the more people I have telling others where they went. They’re practically walking business cards.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I said. “I really am.”
“Now, it’s time to talk about you.”
“What about me?” I asked.
“You’re pining over Liam still. I know you are.”
“Come on, Gwen. Can we drop it, please?”
“It was just a fling, Whit. What in the world did you expect? You can’t board yourself up in a room and mope about losing a guy you barely knew.”
“But I didn’t feel that way,” I said. “I didn’t feel like I barely knew him.”
“Didn’t you tell me he was keeping secrets?” she asked.
“Who the hell doesn’t keep secrets? Gwen, I felt like I’d known him a hell of a lot longer than I did.”
“But you didn’t, Whit. You went there for a vacation and you got some good dick. It happens when you’re addicted to the dick. He must’ve been good if you’re this brainwashed.”
“He was good, yes, but it was more than that,” I said.
“Then why didn’t you tell him that?”
I was frozen in the middle of the room while her question rattled around in my mind. Why didn’t I just tell him that? It was obvious he was hinting at something akin to the same thing. So wh
y didn’t I just tell him I felt the same way? That I wanted to see where this went and see if it had any sort of potential to take off like it already had?
“I was scared, I guess,” I said.
“Of what?” Gwen asked.
“Of him not feeling the same way, maybe? Of him leaving even after I said something? I don’t know. I just know that it was more than a fling. I’m just not sure how much more.”
“Whit, I get it. I really do. But it’s done and you’re home. The question is, what are you gonna do now?”
“I need to do something with my life,” I said. “Something that’s fulfilling. That will make me happy.”
Like Liam made me happy.
“What makes you happy?” she asked.
I felt the answer hit me like a ton of bricks but I was still scared to say it out loud.
“Let’s start with an easier question,” she said. “Now that you’ve experienced the mountains, are you happy coming back to the city?”
And even though the bricks kept pouring down on me, I was still terrified of saying it out loud.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“You do but you’re scared. So, when you’re ready to tell yourself the truth, you’ll be ready to take that step. Until then, just keep applying to jobs you know you’ll hate. Just don’t make your bed in your misery and expect me to feel sorry for you.”
“Thanks,” I said flatly.
“Girl, I’m your best friend, not someone trying to kiss your ass. I’ve watched you be miserable for far too fucking long. So, if tough love and shit’s gonna get you off your ass and barreling toward what makes you happy, then I’m gonna dole it out. Wanna know why?”
“Because you love me?” I asked.
“That, and because whenever I can make you feel guilty, you buy dinner.”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Yes, you do,” she said. “Do you feel guilty yet?”
“No. Well, maybe…”
“I could keep going if you want me to,” she said.
