“Hi, I’m Elise,” I said. “I’ve known I was gay for a long time, but I repressed it because of my family. I thought I could do the whole marrying a guy and having kids thing. But, I’ve recently met someone that I used to know a long time ago, and it’s made all my old feelings come back. And I don’t want to hide myself anymore,” I finished, feeling my face getting hot. Everyone clapped politely.
“Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us, Elise,” Dinah said. “I think you’re planning on coming out to your family now, is that right?”
“Uh, yes. Well, my sister, anyway,” I said.
“Ok, well what we usually do, is everyone shares a little bit of their coming out experiences, to help you see that you’re not alone, and that everyone has to got through the same thing. Uh, Daniel? Perhaps you’d like to go first?”
Daniel told us how his parents had initially been devastated, and his mom had cried for three days, but now they were cool with it. Michelle told us that her parents had always suspected it; Tami told us that her parents had been upset because they wanted grandkids, but now they understood that her being gay didn’t mean they couldn’t have them; Mark told us that his dad had started leaving condoms under his pillow, along with a safe sex guide; and Kat told us that her parents were still coming to terms with it, but at least her mom no longer stormed out of the room when she mentioned her girlfriend. Only David told us that his parents had rejected him completely, forcing him to live with his grandmother. Dinah cut him off quickly, but not before my stomach knotted at the thought of my sister kicking me out.
“You look worried, Elise? What is it?” Dinah trilled. I explained briefly about my family situation, and everyone told me I was worrying about nothing.
“Your sister obviously loves you a lot,” Tami said. “From what you’ve said, it totally sounds like she’s going to be cool about it.”
“Thanks for saying so, I just really hope that’s true,” I said.
After the group conversation finished and the circle dissipated, we gathered into smaller groups.
“So who is this someone from the past?” Laura asked me when it was just the two of us together.
“Oh, this girl called Jack,” I said. Laura’s left eyebrow lifted.
“Jack Montgomery?”
“Yes,” I said, instantly on high alert. “How do you know her?”
“She used to date someone I know. They broke up not so long ago actually. Christie was pretty cut up about it.” I groaned inwardly.
“Oh. I heard it was pretty much a mutual thing,” I said.
“Don’t believe everything you hear.” Laura’s eyebrow was still half way up her forehead. “Christie was crazy into her, and Jack, like, just dumped her when she asked her to meet her parents.”
“Ah,” I said, short of anything else to say. I finished my plastic cup of coffee. “Hey, it was nice to meet you, but I’ve got to go study.”
“Ok, I’ll catch you another time,” she said.
I was walking quickly towards the exit, so I didn’t see Marianne until she was right in front of me. Great. Just the person I wanted to see right now.
“Hey, Elise! How are you?”
“Good! And you?”
“Pretty good. You’re a hard one to get hold of.” I stopped and took a deep breath.
“To be honest, I’ve been dating someone recently,” I said. Marianne's eyes clouded.
“Jack?” she said. I nodded, and her eyes became even darker.
“Ah, Jack,” she said. “She gets around, doesn’t she?”
“What do you mean?” I said. She looked at me very seriously.
“Elise, I'm the last person who would badmouth anyone, but you have to watch out for girls like her. She has a habit of getting all excited about people when she first starts dating them, but when the initial attraction wears off, she loses interest.” For the second time in an hour, my stomach lurched.
“Why are you telling me this?” I said, keeping my voice calm.
“Because I care about you, Elise,” she said, and touched my elbow. “The lesbian dating scene can be like a snake pit sometimes, and I don't want you to get hurt.”
“Well, thanks for the heads up,” I said. “It's been good to see you, but I’m running late for an appointment. I'll give you a call sometime.” I walked away quickly before she had the chance to say anything else. I made it all the way to the creek, a mile away from campus, before I paused and let myself react. I hung over a bridge, looking down at the water, and discovered that I was shaking. What a disaster. I’d gone to the LGB group looking for support, and yes, it had been good to hear other people's experiences. But this small positive had been overshadowed by not only being forced to speak in front of a group, which happened to be one of my least favorite activities, but also hearing two assassinations of Jack's character, one right after the other. This was not what I signed up for. Not that I trusted either of those girls’ opinions. I could imagine that Christie would have been less than honest about why she and Jack broke up. And I was well aware that Jack and Marianne were not the best of friends. Still, two people hating her so much that they had to tell me all about it? What if Jack had been less than honest with me about why she broke up with Christie? And just because Marianne didn't like Jack didn't mean that she was lying. Jack actually hadn't mentioned any long-term relationships since she had broken up with Clarice at high school. Maybe she did get bored of people very quickly. The thought twisted a knife in my stomach. I could feel myself getting more and more attached to her every day, those little intimacies growing between us. But what if it was all one sided, and it was just a bit of fun for her, until she was ready for the next one? I had a crazy urge to run back to the LGB meeting and ask Marianne exactly why she hated Jack. Or, I could ask the person I knew and cared about instead. I unlocked my phone, finger poised to dial Jack’s number. I stopped. No, I wasn't going to be that person, the one who made crazy accusatory phonecalls to somebody they were only just getting to know. I needed to study for mid-terms anyway. I walked until I had located the right bus stop, and I waited for the bus to take me home.
I worked until almost 11, but it didn't go well. My mind was flipping between polarized thoughts: Marianne was lying/she wasn't; Jack's into me/she’s not. Is this what lesbian dating is like – having to figure out who’s lying and who’s telling the truth? It was tedious and exhausting. I started watching a TV show to relax me before bed, but I was restless and far from sleep. I decided to call Jack. She’d been working but maybe she was home already. The phone rang many times before she answered.
“Hey, babe! How was your evening?” she said. Her voice was slow and little slurred, and there were other voices in the background.
“It was okay,” I said. “I was just calling to see if you were home yet, but it sounds like you’re still at work, so I'll let you go.” There was a screech of laughter in the distance, and Jack raised her voice above it.
“No, I'm at home,” she said, laughing at something that was going on. “Alyssa just stopped by, and we're having a drink with my housemates. Come and join us?” I fought down an attack of jealousy that I’d never been invited to have a drink with Jack's housemates.
“No, it's ok. I'm actually really tired. I'll catch you tomorrow,” I said.
“Sure?” she said, her tone light, as if she didn't care either way.
“Yes –”
“Hey, a few of us were planning to get together tomorrow night after work, just for a couple of hours. Do you want to join us?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, after a pause.
“Great! I'll see you tomorrow then, babe. Sweet dreams!”
I ended the call, the knot in my stomach renewing its grip. I took my make-up off, cleaned my teeth, undressed and climbed between cold sheets. I hadn't felt this lonely for a long time. Yet more questions gnawed away at me: why hadn’t she messaged me to invite me over before I’d called her? Why had she sounded so distant? She was so int
ense while we were together, but it seemed like as soon as we were apart, she was more interested in being with her friends.
I turned from one side, to the other, to the other, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I got out of bed and poured myself a glass of red wine. The alcohol hit me with the first swallow, making me woozy. How many times had I listened to friends coming to such paranoid conclusions, on equally flimsy evidence? This was a new thing for me: the chilled-out girlfriend, who didn’t care what her boyfriend was up to. And it seemed they weren’t up to anything, because I didn’t scare them away with paranoia. It was all too ironic.
Before the wine was finished, I was asleep, drifting away on uneasy dreams.
*
The shift at the diner was pure chaos. There was a leak in the hose of the plate sprayer, which meant that the floor was continually soaked. As fast as Ben and I mopped it up, it was drenched again. The servers kept coming in and out, adding muddy wheelmarks to the mess. The extra water made the place steamy, and we sweated more than ever.
“Elise, why are you still here?” Ben yelled, over the whirring and rattling of the dishwasher.
“Because I’m too busy to find a new job!” I yelled back. This was true. I was so busy studying, being with Jack, and learning how to be a lesbian that there was no time for anything else. “But I think tonight might be the kick up the ass I need!”
“You and me both, man,” he said.
By 11.30 we were done, and I was a disgusting mess. I badly needed a shower, but there was no time to go all the way home and back out again. In the bathroom, I stripped off my shirt and bra and washed as best I could, before changing into a fresh shirt and pants. I rinsed my face and retouched my eye make-up. My hair was beyond help, so I pulled it all back into a ponytail. I looked passable, although I was convinced I stank of greasy food.
Ben whistled when I passed through the kitchen again.
“Where are you going all dressed up?” he asked.
“To see my girlfriend,” I called, not stopping to wait for his reaction.
That felt good, I thought.
Jack had left me a voicemail telling me to come around the back of DeeBee’s, as it was already closed. I called her as I arrived, and she greeted me at the back door excitedly, picking me up and spinning me around.
“Hi, beautiful!” she said. “How was your night?”
“Ugh, gross,” I said. “I really need a drink.”
Tatiana, Jess and Alyssa were inside, all sitting at a booth at the back of the room, tucked away so they couldn’t be seen from the street, and the lights were turned down low. They all greeted me warmly.
“I’ll just introduce you to, Val, the owner Jack said, and took me through to an office at the back.
“This is Elise, my girlfriend, Val,” Jack told him.
“Nice to meet you,” he said in a cracked voice. He looked more bedraggled than I would’ve expected for the owner of a smart cocktail bar, but his eyes were kind and twinkly. “Any friend of Jack’s is a friend of mine. You’re welcome here, sweetie,” he said.
“I said girlfriend, not friend, Val, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Jack said, with a wink. “Are you joining us?”
“Maybe when I’ve finished doing the accounts,” he said. “You girls go on and enjoy yourselves.”
I joined the girls at the table while Jack mixed up some drinks at the bar. There was already a cocktail jug on the table with some glasses. Jess poured me a glass, and I drank quickly, a little nervous to be meeting Jack’s friends again in such a quiet environment. I preferred meeting people I didn’t know too well in bars, as the music tends to drown out any awkward comments.
Alyssa was discussing how stoned she and Jack had been the night before.
“It was some nasty stuff Frankie gave us. She always gets the harshest shit, so I should know better, but there you go,” she said. Jack returned from the bar and sat down next to me, laying a hand on my thigh.
“I should apologize for last night. I can’t even remember what I said to you,” she said.
“Nothing much, you were pretty vague,” I said, my spirits lifting a little.
“So how you doing, Elise?” Jess said. “I haven’t seen you since that weird LGB night, a few weeks back.”
“I’m good,” I said. “Work sucks, school’s hard, but everything else is good,” I said with a laugh. Jack’s friends all looked at me, questions forming on their lips. I decided to help them out.
“I went to an LGB thing yesterday actually,” I said.
“Oh was it one of those drop-ins?” Jess asked, and shuddered when I said yes. “Sorry, I don’t mean to put it down. I mean, they’re really helpful when you’re just coming out. It’s just – the organizers can be a little worthy. And the attendees far too keen to show you what experienced lesbians they are.”
“God. I’ve never been to anything like that,” Tatiana said, a disgusted expression only emphasizing the feline quality of her features. “But I can just imagine how seriously everyone takes themselves.”
“Yeah. I mean, it was nice hearing everyone’s coming out stories, but there was other stuff that was a little less welcome.”
“For example?” Jess said.
“Oh, just hearing what a snakepit the lesbian dating scene is.”
“I always find it funny that the people who make those kind of comments are usually the ones creating the snakepit in the first place,” Jess said, with a laugh.
“I took it with a pinch,” I said. “Especially considering who it came from.”
“Who was it?” all three of them asked, and at the sound of Marianne’s name, they looked like they’d smelled something bad.
“Yeah, that illustrates my point perfectly,” Jess said. “Now, I won’t say anymore, to avoid becoming a hypocrite myself.” She stood up and excused herself to the bathroom.
“Girls can be bitchy,” Jack said. “But so can men. I guess the gay scene can appear more gossipy than straight dating because there’s more fluidity, and people aren’t segregated in the same way.”
“But the lack of segregation is what makes it so fun,” Tatiana said.
“Or so incestuous, depending on which way you look at it!” Alyssa said, suddenly coming to life. Until now, she’d been curled into a corner, half listening to the conversation, half drifting in her own thoughts. “And that’s the downside of living in a small town. After a while everyone knows everyone and their sexual histories. I love living here, but I’m looking forward to moving to a big city, where people are more diverse, and the scene’s less tight knit.” My stomach tightened at the thought of Jack’s sexual history, and the fact that everyone else knew about it apart from me. It was hard not to feel like a naïve idiot who was only just entering their world. I glanced from Tatiana to Jess to Alyssa, and finally at Jack. They all seemed genuine, even Tatiana in her scariness, but were they all secretly thinking how clueless I was?
“It looks like you’ve found a pretty good solution to small-town incestuousness, Alyssa,” Tatiana said, pale blue eyes narrowed in mischief. A ghost of a frown passed across Alyssa’s pretty features and then she gave an embarrassed, happy laugh, and turned her huge dark eyes on me.
“What Tati is alluding to, with her usual delicacy, is that I’ve been – “ she paused, searching for the right word. “Dating an older woman, from out of town.” I leaned forward, eager to hear more. “She’s here on business, so she doesn’t know anyone here.”
“How did you meet?” I asked.
“In a bar,” she said, eyelashes flickering, as she looked down at the table.
“You can tell Elise,” Jack said. “She’s not going to judge you.”
“Ok. Well, we’re not exactly dating; it’s more of a hook-up thing. The first time we met, we just kissed and stuff. But then she messaged me, pretty much demanding that I go to her hotel room.”
“Wearing her sexiest lingerie, a coat, and nothing else,” Tatiana butted in.
“Yeah,�
�� Alyssa said, looking even more embarrassed.
“And did you?” I prompted.
“Maybe!” She knocked back the rest of her drink, and Jack immediately refilled it. “She’d given me her room number, so I just went right up there, and knocked on the door. She opened the door, wearing this sharp business-lady suit. She didn’t let me in right away, though. I was wearing a trenchcoat. I’d borrowed it from my housemate, actually. I thought, why not go the whole nine yards? So, she unfastened it, and kind of inspected my underwear. I had the distinct feeling that she wouldn’t have let me in if I’d been fully dressed.”
“Wow,” I breathed, aware of a flicker of arousal. It was a super hot-scenario.
“And then what happened?” Tatiana asked. From the look in her eyes, she was feeling it too.
“She took my coat off me, handed me a glass of this really expensive champagne, and then we pretty much got down to it.”
“And?” Tatiana looked like a cat, about to pounce on its prey.
“It was really hot. Probably the best sex I’d had in my life actually. She was delicate and feminine, but really aggressive and demanding. When I left the hotel the next morning, I felt altered, somehow.”
“That was the night you became a woman,” Tatiana said. Alyssa laughed.
“I think you’re right,” she said. I stared at Alyssa, shocked and impressed at the same time.
“Has that been on your list of fantasies too?” Jack whispered in my ear a few minutes later, while everyone else was distracted.
“What gave you that idea?” I whispered back.
“Oh, from the way a little color came into your cheeks, and you started chewing on your lip as she was telling the story.”
“I guess you’ll have to wait and find out,” I said, flashing her a smoldering look. She took hold of my face with both hands, and kissed me hard on the mouth.
“I’ll be waiting,” she said, in a husky voice.
Me and Her (Always Her, Book 2): Lesbian Romance Page 6
