“I’m sorry I didn’t have the guts to tell you before,” Elise said. “I knew you weren’t like that, of course. It was just so deeply ingrained in me, that I had this sense of shame that was hard to get past.”
“I don’t blame you. And I can see now that you were working up to telling me. It’s just our good fortune that I happened to turn up tonight and catch you red-handed,” she said, with a smirk.
The server arrived, and we concentrated on ordering.
“So, I want to hear everything from the beginning,” Melissa said, as the server took our menus away. “How did you two meet?” Her eyes sparkled, bright with interest. Elise laid her hand on mine, the touch of a butterfly.
“We actually met at high school,” she said, her voice a little shaky, but determined.
“No way!”
“Yes. I had a crush. A huge crush in fact. On Jack. But I was too chicken shit to tell her. And she just saw me as one of my clique. To the point where she can’t even remember me as an individual. But that’s another story. Anyway, she went to college here, unbeknown to me, until I happened to be having drinks in DeeBee’s.”
“I tend bar there,” I cut in.
“And you still liked her?” Melissa asked. Elise blushed.
“Yes. I felt exactly the same,” she said. “Which knocked me sideways, as I thought I’d put all of that stuff out of my mind. I was with Jared, and I thought that was it. But Jack and I started hanging out, and suddenly I couldn’t hide my feelings anymore.” Melissa’s face was lit by a broad grin, her eyes dancing.
“And how long have you been dating?” she asked.
“Six weeks,” I said.
“That’s great. I’m so happy for you guys!” Melissa said, laying her hand on top of ours like we were all colluding in a secret pact.
A bottle of Spanish red, and then the delicious-looking food came and we started eating ravenously.
“If it’s not too much of an inappropriate question, Elise, have you always been into girls generally, or is Jack an exception to the rule?” Melissa asked.
“I’ve always been into girls,” Elise said. “I tried to hide it, and I wanted to make dad happy by marrying a guy, so I always had boyfriends. But I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.” Melissa put her fork down.
“Wow. I can’t believe you had those feelings all that time, and felt like you had to keep them to yourself. If you’d shared them with me, I would’ve told you not to pander to dad’s misguided notions on how people should live their lives.”
“Really?”
“Of course, sis. Your happiness is one of the most important things in the world to me,” Melissa said. I ate quickly, worried that if I paused, I might just start to tear up. Melissa gazed into the distance.
“I think, maybe once or twice, I had an inkling that you might be gay. I mean, you didn’t fit with those girls you were always hanging out with. You were sportier, and you weren’t obsessed with hair and make up.”
“Always a dead giveaway,” Elise, said, shaking her head sarcastically.
“Hey! No, but there were other things too.”
“Like what?”
“It’s hard to remember. A couple of moments when I thought maybe, but then the moment passed, and I forgot all about it.” Melissa gave a hoot of laughter. “Hold on – I remember something. There was that one time when mom and dad caught you lying on top of a girl on your bed at your birthday party. You were like seven, and you were humping her and everything. Mom and dad freaked. Then, like a pair of morons, they told the girl’s parents about it, and they went crazy too. You were crying, and the girl was crying. It was terrible, actually. I was about 12, and I remember being like, what the fuck? Why are they making a big deal out of this?” We all laughed.
“That’s so funny,” Elise said. “But why can’t I remember it?”
“Maybe it was small fry compared to the other stuff you got up to,” I chided her. She shrugged.
“I remember that I was always more fascinated by girls than boys. I never had boyfriends, like some of the other little girls at kindergarten. I remember doing dress up, as brides and grooms, and always insisting that my friend was the bride.”
“And you were the groom?” I asked, incredulous.
“Sometimes. Other times I was also the bride. I was pretty flexible.”
“I’m sure I’ll start to remember more things, when I re-remember your history,” Melissa said.
“I like that idea,” I said. “Going back and adjusting your lens on the past, so you can see it as it was, not as it was made to seem.”
We’d all finished eating, our plates completely empty, and we asked the server for dessert menus.
“What were your experiences like, Jack?” Melissa asked.
“Oh, I had the benefit of extremely hippyish parents,” I said, and launched into my usual description of my youthful tomboyishness. “They were so ready for it. I feel like they would’ve been shocked to the point of disappointment if I’d turned out not to be gay. It would’ve been like being told your baby was a girl, and then getting the nursery and everything ready for it, only to discover that it was a boy. But it doesn’t mean that everything has been easy for me. I had my heart broken at a young age by a girl who was only with me because she thought it was a cool thing to do, and ended up cheating on me with a boy. That was a reality check.” Melissa’s eyes narrowed in sympathy.
“That must’ve been horrible.”
“It was a rite of passage, I think, however hard it seemed at the time.”
“And your friends? Have they had difficult experiences?” I mentally flipped through my closest ten or so lesbian friends.
“Yeah, on the whole.” I glanced at Elise to garner her support. “Tatiana didn’t seem to have many problems, but she’s led an atypical life, as the daughter of Russian tycoons, so she’s probably not the best example. Her girlfriend, Jess, has come out to her parents and things are going well. But everyone else I know is ether not out yet, or having family dramas. I think in five years, it’ll be a different story. But at our age, it’s still so new, and some people are still coming-to-terms with the fact, or even realizing, that they’re gay.”
“I’m sad that I haven’t been there to support you, and share your experiences,” Melissa said, directing her attention towards Elise. “But I’m very glad that tonight has happened, and feel that it will be the beginning of a new stage of closeness in our relationship, and that Jack and I can get to know each other.”
“Me too,” Elise said.
The server came, and we ordered two desserts to share between us, and coffees.
“I don’t know if now is the right time to mention this, but, we’re supposed to be going back home in two weeks, and mom keeps calling to find out when we’re going to be there. Can we fix a date to book flights?” Melissa said. Elise groaned.
“Sure. Let’s go on the Friday afternoon, and leave late on Tuesday, then I won’t miss any classes,” she said. I looked at her questioningly.
“It’s the anniversary of dad dying. Four years. And mom’s having a hard time, so we need to give her a hand. I’ve been trying to forget about it and pretend it’s not happening.”
“Elise and I have the same approach to our hometown. The less we have to see of it, the better,” Melissa said.
“I understand, and it’s a shame,” I said.
“You must see it completely differently though?” I nodded.
“Yeah, to me it’s comfort and familiarity. But I think you’ve picked the best town out of the whole west coast to make your new home.”
When Melissa had excused herself to the restroom, Elise asked if we should stay in her apartment that night.
“Definitely,” I said. “It’ll be nice for your sister, showing her that we know she’s being cool with us being together.”
“I agree. Although I still feel a little awkward.”
“It’s ok, I’ll personally guarantee you don’t make any noise tonight,�
�� I whispered into her ear.
As Elise opened her bedroom door, the memory of our first time in that room rushed back, sweet and heady. She lit some candles, and we lay down side by side, and I stroked her arm, my skin tingling with tenderness.
“Your sister is a very cool person,” I said.
“She is.”
“How do you feel now?”
“Peaceful,” she said, and turned onto her side, reaching for me, her features blurred in the candlelight.
Chapter Six
Elise
As soon as Melissa and I booked the flights, thoughts of going home began to impend, like slow-moving rainclouds. There was a nameless dread, sitting heavy in my stomach. I knew nothing terrible would happen. It would be hard going to visit my father’s grave, and having whatever ceremony my mom wanted us to have. And she’d be trying company; that was a given. But it was more than that. It was an absolute unwillingness to face the couple of years before I left. I’d done a good job of putting things behind me, cutting the cord. Willingly going back to it felt like I was cheating myself. I started to get weird superstitions that I’d mess up my current life and bring something bad on myself if I stepped back into the past.
“Will it help if I list the good points?” Jack asked. We were in the park and I was back on skates again, practicing turning and stopping. After two hours, I could see a tangible improvement. I could go from a pretty good speed to an almost dead stop, even when Jack deliberately jumped out and surprised me.
“It might,” I replied. We sat down on a bench for a break.
“Well, it has long – really long – hot summers.”
“Yeah. I like that.”
“It stays hot at night, so you never need a jacket.”
“Uh huh.”
“The downtown area is pretty and quite historical. There are lots of trees lining the sidewalks. There are some cute bars and restaurants. It has a nice park. The local theater does some good productions. You only have to drive 20 miles to go to the mountains. There are two organic grocery stores. There’s an Olympic-sized municipal pool.” I laughed.
“Ok, I should be sold. If I’d just got married and was looking to settle in a new town, that might just be it.” Jack put her arm around my shoulder.
“I know it’s not going to be easy for you, and I can’t pretend to understand how you feel. But, please, have confidence that your life will be exactly as you left it when you come back. I’ll be all excited to see you – ”
“You will?” I asked, as naively as a kid.
“Of course!” she said, laughing. “I’ll miss you a lot!”
“I’ll miss you too!” I said. She leaned in and kissed me. The breeze whipped my hair across our faces, and I picked up the scent of cut grass. There was an overwhelming sense of purity all around us. We drew back, pulling hair out of our mouths and laughing. “And when you come back, you’ll have the trip to New York for the fashion show. It’ll be exciting times.”
After that day, my trepidation eased. Midterms passed in a stressful blur. I was an expert crammer, and good at pulling it together for exams at the last minute. When they were over, it almost a relief to drive to the airport with Melissa. I wanted to go and get it over with, and come back and continue with the life I loved.
Melissa fell asleep as soon as the plane took off, a side effect of the Valium she’d taken to calm her flying nerves. I stayed awake, staring at the back of the seat in front of me, thinking about the days ahead. I already missed Jack. The four days until I’d see her again seemed impossibly long. How could I miss her so much when we’d only been together for two months? I ached for her touch, her smell, her jokes. If she was here right now, I’d rest my head on her shoulder, and she’d ask me how I was feeling, gently teasing out my worries and reluctances, until I felt calmer.
I planned to go to dad’s grave and talk to him, explain why I cared about Jack, and why our relationship wasn’t wrong. I wondered if I’d have had that opportunity if he’d been alive, or if he would’ve blown up at the first mention that I was with a girl, and that would’ve been the end of it. It was sad; I knew that the two of them would’ve got on well, if they’d had a chance.
At least I wasn’t worried about telling mom. She was so wrapped up in her own dramas that she didn’t have much time left over to worry about other people’s. My fingernails bit into my palms, and I discovered that I’d been clenching my fists. Against my better judgment, Melissa and I had decided to stay with her to save money. We didn’t even have a clear idea of the sleeping arrangements, so we’d brought sleeping bags, which took up almost all of our carry-on luggage. I anticipated chaos – no food in the fridge, the place in a mess, and tearful phone calls.
Melissa and I came into the arrivals area and looked around for our mom.
“Can she not even meet us at the airport on time?” I snapped. The long day was catching up on me, and I felt tight and papery.
“Relax, sis,” Melissa said. “She is who she is. And we might as well accept that about her.” I glanced at her sleepy face.
“You’re only saying that because you’re sedated,” I said. “I wish I’d asked you for one of those half an hour ago.” Melissa smiled at me drowsily, and laid an arm on my shoulder.
Everyone had cleared out from the flight, the luggage conveyer had stopped, and the hall was empty and echoing.
“Let’s wait outside,” I said. We stood under the awning, and looked out at the twilight and the last of the cars leaving, laden with passengers, when a blonde woman ran towards us, yelling. I squinted.
“Is that mom?” The woman had reached us, hair flying everywhere, and a long, pink scarf billowing behind her.
“Babies! I’m so sorry I’m late!” she shouted, hugging Melissa and then me.
“Mom?” You look so different!” I exclaimed. I pulled her sunglasses up, unable to square her appearance with the person I’d known all my life. Her make-up looked professionally done, with cat-eye flicks at the outer corners, more common on a person half her age. What was more surprising was that she’d lost 30 pounds, and her slightly frizzy, slightly red hair was now straight, and light blonde.
“Well? Aren’t you going to tell me how great I look?” she said, standing back and holding her arms out to the sides. We were both still staring at her in shock.
“You look fantastic, mom,” Melissa said at last. “But what’s happened to you?”
“Ricardo is what’s happened!” she said beaming. “We’re about to move in together, and life couldn’t be better.”
“But – ” Melissa stammered. “I thought you were having a bad time?”
“I was having a hectic time, honey, yes. You know, seeing the last of Eddie and all. It took a long time to get that man out of my hair. But, sheesh! None of that has seemed important since I’ve met Ricardo. It’s like he’s given me new life! Now, come on.” She picked up my cumbersome bag, as if it weighed nothing, and strode towards the parking lot. Melissa and I followed, watching my mother’s retreating figure and pulling faces at each other. She was wearing Capri pants, which were clinging to her – admittedly small – ass. Mid-life crisis, we mouthed to each other. Mom had always been lively, always having frequent, if catastrophic relationships. But she’d always been mom – cozy and voluptuous. And now she looked like a doll.
She strode over to an elegant sedan, waving, and a man climbed out. He was tall, with salt-and-pepper hair and a trimmed beard. He was also at least ten years younger than my mother.
“What the –?” I said. The man walked over, as the two of us stood feet away from the car, dumbstruck. He introduced himself, in a nice voice, calling each of us by name. In a daze, we shook hands, and allowed ourselves to be shepherded into his car.
Melissa recovered first on the journey, and asked Ricardo about himself. He said that he was a musical score writer. His father was Brazilian and his mother Spanish, but he’d lived in the US all his life. Our mom chimed in to say that they’d been datin
g for six weeks, and they’d met at a book group. Melissa and I stared at each other, cartoon question marks in the air above our heads. From the way mom and Ricardo kept glancing at each other throughout the journey, they were clearly besotted with each other.
Ricardo drove us right across town into a suburban area. By now, I wasn’t surprised when he turned into a gated complex of old mansions, and pulled up in front of a large, beautifully restored house.
“Come on girls!” my mother chirped, jumping out of the car. She led us inside, through a cool hallway with flagstone flooring, and into a huge, kitchen, which was a happy combination of rustic and modern.
“Please make yourselves at home,” Ricardo said. “I’ve had a room made up for each of you upstairs, so let me know when you want me to show you up?”
“Actually, I’m dying to give the girls the grand tour,” mom said. “Would you mind?”
“Of course not,” he replied, with an indulgent smile.
Our mom skipped up the stairs, heels clacking on the hard floors. The décor was vaguely colonial era, and in the best possible taste. A huge chandelier hung over the staircase, and potted palms dotted the spacious landing of the first story. Our rooms were breezy, with high ceilings, and white folding shutters at the windows.
“This is unbelievable, mom,” I said.
“I know, honey,” she replied, sitting on the edge of my bed. “It’s like something out of a fairytale. Things were so bad with Eddie, and then this amazing man popped up, out of nowhere. And he’s so good for me. He’s encouraging me to go back into teaching, and to pick up my old hobbies again.”
“That’s great, mom,” I said, concealing my worries that he was a little too good to be true. My mom was a great person, but the past few years had worn her down, making her erratic and fatalistic. I hoped Ricardo saw her as a great person too, and didn’t have some other agenda.
Me and Her (Always Her, Book 2): Lesbian Romance Page 8
