***Gage***
It’s Christmas Day. Everyone around me is enjoying themselves. There’s good food, liquor, friends, family, music, gifts… everything you could ask for on a day like this. My woman is snuggled under my arm. I have all I need, yet I’m not happy. I can’t be, not when Raven isn’t. She barely ate and hasn’t spoken much to anyone, except for Mikey when she played with him for a while. She’s sitting here fiddling with the charms on her bracelet. I thought it would have made her happy. Women like that kind of shit, don’t they? I have one more gift for her and if that doesn’t even get a smile out of her, I don’t know what else to do. I catch Motor’s attention and give him the signal to get ready.
“Raven.”
“Hmm?”
“I have something to show you.”
Sitting up, she observes me, biting into her bottom lip. She slips her hand into mine and we make our way toward the exit. I stop just long enough to get her into a jacket, then take her outside.
“Where are we going?” she inquires.
“Just out here. Close your eyes.”
She throws me a cautious glance then obeys. I move behind her, covering her eyes with my hand until Motor brings her gift to the front. When everything is in place, I remove my hand.
“Okay. You can open them.”
She doesn’t speak or move. I step to the side to make sure her eyes are open, and she’s staring at her gift the same way she’s looked at everything the last few weeks—as if she’s looking right through it.
“Do you like it?” I ask.
“It’s… it’s a car.”
“It’s your car.” I take her hand and pull her closer to it. “Come on.”
I’ve had the guys working on it for a while now. She’s always loved the Mustang so I got her one identical to mine, customized for her. Of course, it’s blue. On the hood, there’s a decal of a Raven perched on a skull. Okay, so there’s a piece of me in that. She’s my woman, after all. It’s also fitted with blue neon underbody and wheel lights. I left the interior intact because I figured she’d want to set that up her way.
“Well? What do you think?”
“It’s pretty.”
“Pretty? No, baby doll. It’s badass, just like you.” She still makes no move toward it, so I grab the key from Motor and hand it to her. “Let’s take it for a ride.”
I open her door and she climbs in slowly. It takes her a while, but she finally gets the car moving. She’s driving like a Driver’s Ed student, but I keep my thoughts to myself. The streets are deserted, so at least we don’t have to deal with impatient assholes. The car accelerates and I think she’s finally getting into enjoying it, but she just keeps speeding up. The road’s a little icy, so I’m getting concerned.
“Raven?”
She doesn’t answer. She’s staring straight ahead, and I watch as the needle on the speedometer climbs until it passes one-twenty.
“Raven!”
***Raven***
I hear Gage calling my name. Vaguely. All I can think is that I can’t do this anymore. I need it to end. I unbuckle my seatbelt and press down on the accelerator, watching as the vehicle eats up the road. Gage’s voice comes to me as if in a dream, asking what I’m doing. It has to be a dream because he’s not here. Once I do this, he’ll be free to move on, to be with someone who doesn’t have the emotional baggage I do. Yes, this is what I need to do. We’ll both be free. I close my eyes and release the steering wheel, embracing my fate. Yes. This is it.
I feel a weight on my chest and get ready for the pain I know is coming. Instead, the tires screech and the car swerves then slides to a stop. All the time, the weight on my chest is unwavering. I open my eyes and see it’s a hand. A hand keeping me pinned to my seat. I turn my head to the right and Gage is sitting there, breathing like a dragon.
“What the fuck was that?” he demands. “Get out!”
I scramble out of the car. He climbs over into the driver’s seat and shuts it off. In an instant, he’s out of the car and forcing me against it. The realization of what I was about to do hits me and I break down in a panic. This is the second time I could have killed him. How could I forget he was in the car with me?
“What the fuck, Raven? You could have gotten us killed!”
He’s angry. He has every right to be. I deserve more than his anger, more than the shouting. I cringe, closing in on myself as he goes off on me.
“I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard but no matter what I do, it’s not enough. Is that what you want, huh? To die? You want to leave—?”
He reels in whatever he was going to say, fisting his hands at his sides. The icy eyes are back and this time, they’re directed at me. I might as well be dead because I can’t bear for him to look at me like that.
“Get the fuck in the car. Now.”
***Gage***
The way I’m gripping the steering wheel, I’m surprised it hasn’t snapped in two. That stunt she just pulled has me wanting to go on a rampage and kill everyone in sight. Fuck me. When did she get to this stage? Being sad is one thing, but suicidal? Her fucking therapist is about to get reamed a new asshole. Fucking bitch could have said something. Shit.
When we get back to the clubhouse, I drag her out of the car and to the bedroom. Everyone stares as we pass, but no one says a word. I slam the door and throw her down on the bed. She’d been crying quietly in the car but begins to sob now.
“Why are you crying?” I know I’m being an asshole, but I’m too mad to care. “I’ve had it, Raven. I can’t do this anymore. That little stunt is the last straw.”
“I’m sorry,” she chokes out.
I don’t want to hear it. I need to get away from her before I make things worse than I probably already have. I leave and head straight to the bar. Britney is tending again and slides me a beer.
“Give me a bottle of Jack,” I growl.
She fills a shot glass, refilling it the second I knock it back.
“Rough night?”
“Just give me the bottle if you’re going to fucking talk.”
She pushes it in my direction and moves to the other end of the bar. Both Chopper and E show up, one on either side. Great. Raven’s fan club.
“Shit happened, it’s none of your business, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
E backs off, but Chopper doesn’t. I didn’t expect him to.
“If you hurt that girl,” he warns, “you’ll answer to me.”
He leaves me with that threat. Staring at the club logo on the wall, I take a swig straight from the bottle. I’m out of ideas. I just don’t know what to do anymore. What I do know is I’m going to finish this bottle. I hope to God it’s enough to make me stop thinking, stop remembering, stop feeling.
Britney comes back, this time on the other side of the bar. She places her hand on my thigh, slowly sliding it up.
“Let me make you feel better,” she whispers.
I glance over at her, and she’s biting into her plump, red lip. I do remember them being wrapped around my dick. She grabs it, stroking me through my jeans. I’m a man. That being said, when a woman touches my dick, it’s going to get hard. She smiles, her ministrations becoming more vigorous.
“Come on, Gage. Let me take care of you.”
Fuck. Why the hell not? It’s Christmas Day and I haven’t seen or touched a pussy in months. Fuck it. I grab her hand and pull her along behind me. More than a few disapproving looks are thrown my way, but those motherfuckers know better than to open their mouths. Raven’s not my old lady, so I can do whatever the fuck I want. I take Britney to my office and she drops to her knees in front of me as I sit in my chair. I watch her as she works on my button and zipper. She actually looks excited, and she should be—she’s getting the privilege of sucking my dick. She strokes it, licking her lips as she leans forward. I place my hand on top of her head to stop her so I can put on a condom, and I see the letters inked into the skin of my knuckles. Fucking hell. I push her away, thinking I can’t
even get some head without being reminded of her. Britney gasps, staring at me in confusion.
“I changed my mind. Get out.”
“But—”
“I said get out!”
As she shuffles out, I move to the couch, forcing my dick back into my jeans. I drag a hand over my face then gaze down at the half-empty bottle of Jack.
“Guess it’s me and you tonight, buddy.”
***Raven***
I’m standing outside Gage’s office, staring at the door. I don’t know if I should go in or just leave him alone. Well, leave them alone. I saw him go in there with Britney. Who can blame him after what I did tonight? He should probably be having an orgy right now. I’m still trying to decide what to do when the door opens and I come face-to-face with Britney. She’s surprised at first but then gives me a cocky smile. I’m no idiot. They weren’t in there long enough for anything to happen. I’ll give her the satisfaction of thinking she has something to smirk about. She saunters off, swinging her hips and humming to herself. I take a deep breath, shake her out of my thoughts, and push the door.
When it clicks closed behind me, Gage growls, “I told you to get lost,” not even looking in my direction. He raises a bottle to take a sip but his hand freezes mid-way when I speak.
“It’s me.”
He still doesn’t look at me, only taking a swig from the bottle. “What do you want?”
I make my way over and stand before him awkwardly. He keeps his eyes down, probably thinking ignoring me will make me go away. I will after I apologize.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. It was like… I wasn’t even in my own body. I zoned out, and it’s like you weren’t even there. I’m sorry, Gage. For everything.”
He takes another swig from the bottle. “Okay.”
“That’s all you’re going to say?”
He finally lifts his head and his glare makes me wish he hadn’t. “What the fuck do you want me to say? That what you did was okay and everything’s going to be fine? I’ve said it a million times and it made no difference. Well, guess what? I’m tired of saying it. I’m tired of trying to help you and the only thanks I get is you trying to kill me.”
Every word is like a blow to my body. If he had hit me, it would have hurt less. He’s right, though. I can’t argue with the truth. I need to do something. His attention is back on the bottle, so I take it from his fingers.
“What are you doing?”
I place the bottle on his desk and climb onto his lap, straddling his hips. He looks to the ceiling in exasperation then shakes his head, but I don’t let it deter me. I cradle his face in my hands and press my lips to his. He pulls back, grabbing my arms and keeping me away from him.
“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”
I shake free of his grasp and pull my top over my head, tossing it to the floor. His gaze drops to my breasts momentarily then he looks away. With newfound determination, I wrap my arms around him and start to kiss his neck. I inhale deeply, breathing in his scent, hoping for the old feeling to return. I’m desperately wishing for the days not so long ago when all I had to do was think about him and I’d get wet. His fingers dig into my hips, pressing me down on his hard dick. I know it’s Britney’s doing, but it doesn’t matter. I move feverishly, licking, biting, and sucking on his neck. As I trail back up to his lips, he pushes me off him, onto the couch, and jumps to his feet. He keeps his back to me, hands on his hips, head down in disappointment.
I ruined everything. He doesn’t want me anymore.
“Do you want me to send Britney back in?” I ask in a quiet, shaking voice.
He turns to face me, his anger returning. “Britney? I give zero fucks about that bitch! I want you, Raven, but apparently, you don’t want me. How could you when you don’t even want to be alive?”
I approach him carefully, placing my hands on his chest. “I’m sorry. I…” Don’t know what else to say. I just need him. There’s truly nothing worth living for anymore if I lose him, too.
His gaze hardens, and I watch the muscles in his jaw work.
“Go, Raven. Just leave me alone.”
CHAPTER 12
***Gage***
I’ll never forget the crushed look in her eyes before she walked out of my office. I know I’m doing the opposite of what she needs right now, but my anger won’t let me be there for her. I finished the bottle of Jack and still feel no better than I did before. I need another one. I pass my room, and a nagging feeling makes me turn around. Pushing the door, I step into darkness.
“Raven?”
Nothing. I flip the light on and see her lying haphazardly at the foot of the bed, one arm hanging over the side. An empty bottle of Jim Beam lies on the floor beneath her fingertips. Great. I move toward her with the intention of positioning her properly, and an object crunches under my boot. What the fuck? I pick it up and inspect it, reading the label. It’s one of Raven’s prescriptions. Sleeping pills. And it’s empty.
“Fuck!” I frantically turn her over and cradle her in my arms. “Raven? Raven!”
I tap her cheek a few times, but she doesn’t stir. Feeling for her pulse, I press two fingers to her neck. It’s still there, thank God. I rush to the bar, spotting E sandwiched between two Hounds. I pull him up by his cut and drag him to the room.
“What the fuck, Gage?” he exclaims when we’re in the corridor.
“It’s Raven.”
That gets him moving. In the room, I show him the prescription bottle. He immediately starts throwing out directions as he picks her up, heading to the bathroom.
“Go get my bag. I need salt from the kitchen and grab one of the girls to help me.”
I grab the salt and the first girl I see—Super Head. I didn’t want to rush into the bar with E’s bag, so I get that last. Once he has everything he needs, he bans me from the bathroom. I pace the room, praying to God she’ll be okay. This is my fault. She needed me, and I chased her away. Everything is my fault. I should have just stayed away from her.
Chopper walks into the room with a concerned frown. I should have known he’d realize something’s wrong. The retching sounds start coming from the bathroom.
“What’s going on, Gage?”
I turn to him feeling utterly defeated. “I fucked up, Pop.”
He grabs me, slamming me into the wall. I don’t resist because I deserve much worse.
“What the fuck did you do?”
“I….”
I don’t get anything else out because Chopper slams his fist into my jaw. My head snaps back and bounces off the wall. I grab the back of it and slide down to sit on the floor.
“She better be okay, motherfucker,” he issues a warning.
I watch him sit on the edge of the bed, staring at me, his only son, like he’s about to rip my head off. If Raven dies because of me, I won’t try to stop him.
***Raven***
God, I feel like… like I just slept for ten years. My lids are so heavy, I can’t get them open. My throat is raw, and there’s a nagging pain in my arm. I also have the headache from Hell. It feels like Thor and Mjölnir are playing whack-a-mole on my brain.
“I think she’s waking up,” someone says. A female someone. Where am I?
“Raven?”
Gage. I turn my head in the direction of his voice and force my eyes open. They stay that way for only a second. After multiple tries, I finally get them to remain open. Gage is leaning over me with a relieved smile. Deena is on the other side of the bed, smiling down at me, too. What… in… the… world?
Then, I remember—bits and pieces really. Gage chasing me out of his office, swiping the bottle of whiskey from the bar… the pills.
Oh, God. I tried to kill myself. I tried to kill myself and I didn’t succeed. Great. One more fuck-up to add to my ever-growing list.
Gage takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. “Hey, babe.”
“Hey.”
“How do you feel?”
&nbs
p; “Sleepy.” Yeah, that’ll happen when you take a whole bottle of sleeping pills. “Can I get some water?”
“I’ll get it,” Deena volunteers.
When she leaves the room, Gage kisses my knuckles again. That’s when I see the IV needle in my arm and realize that’s where the pain’s coming from.
“Why do you keep scaring me?” he asks.
“I scare you?”
“I’ve never been afraid of anything in my entire life… until I met you.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Losing you.”
He rests his forehead on mine and flattens his palm on my sternum. I close my eyes, absorbing his words. He’s scared of losing me. But why? Why would he still want me after everything that’s happened? I tried to kill him twice, for God’s sake. I can’t even think about it right now. My brain already hurts.
“Sweetest sound I’ve heard in a long time,” he mutters.
“What?”
“Your heart beating. I’ve been listening to it for the last twenty-four hours.”
Deena comes in with my water, hands it to me, then backs out of the room. “Call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks.”
I down the contents, hand the empty glass to Gage, and settle back into the pillows. Gage strokes my cheek as my eyes begin to close again.
“Sleep, babe. We’ll talk when you wake up.”
***Gage***
I’ve been checking her heartbeat every couple of minutes. I know she’s just sleeping, but I need the reassurance of her pulse beating beneath my fingers. E says she’s going to be fine. He brought in one of his doctor friends and we managed to get her out discreetly so they could run all kinds of tests on her. I had to pay him a hefty sum to do it and keep quiet, but it was worth it. Apparently, I found her before the pills could have caused any serious damage to her organs.
I drag a hand down my face and close my burning eyes for a few seconds. I haven’t slept, and I’m beginning to feel the effects.
RAGE: President & First Lady Of The Death Dealers MC Page 38
