by Ryan McCord
Dave on Earth: Dave saves Earth
Dave was walking down the street: it had pubs and shops on either side. “Damn not another burger“, he said as he munched at it. “I hate this damn fitness training.” he said. As Dave was a member of intergalactic defense force he had to maintain an athletic build: Dave was 43 stone, for a minervian he was at Olympic standard, peak fitness. To a minervian he was a wonder to behold because although they looked physically the same as human, their physiology worked quite differently: their bodies utilized fat as muscle and for extra brain power. It wasn’t his fault if earth society didn’t appreciate his moobs. He was so big his stomach had another bottom forming at the front. He didn’t mind: it was all cultural and somewhere he knew the local women where lusting after him as his stomach jiggled as he walked. He was walking home to his council house: he had missed the bus. He had a false identity: it wasn’t difficult minervians look like humans. Therefore the unemployment benefit he claimed was just part of the cover; he used it for extra food, and beer money. High command supplied everything he really needed: but he did like the beer money. At home he checked his intergalactic computer. He had several thoughts: 1. This was so powerful he was amazed he managed to get it working again using only parts from maplins, 2. There would be hell to pay if the council found out he had such a computer: as he had knocked down a wall to put it in, and does this mean he should build the swimming pool in the yard, thinking, what the hell. Just then Bob walked in the room. “ Have you seen my knickers“, said Bob a transvestite grey alien who lived with Dave after he found him drunk at a bus stop after crashing his space ship. Dave would have liked to fix it, but directive 118 clearly stated such technology should be destroyed. Dave didn’t have the time for a complete destruction and mind wipe of all humans in the area. He thought it was Saturday night they would all be drunk, so what the hell and sold it for scrap. Any way minervian’s were an advanced race and they had no real use for rules; the policy was, obey the rules unless you think you have a better idea. Rules only applied if you had recently lost weight. Bob who was still searching for his clothes said, “I was playing strip poker with the crazy bloke down the road.” “He’s not crazy.” proclaimed Dave.” Well why is he on medication” “because you keep playing bloody strip poker with him.” said Dave” Tomorrow he will have his medication increased again. Can you not leave him alone?” “He’s funny“; said Bob “He even hates it when he wins.” Bob liked to go out from time to time. The risk was low: nobody would believe a grey alien in a dress walking down the street in County Durham. County Durham had a massive growth in the quantity of mentally ill people of late: Dave would have to get Bob to stay in more. At that point instructions came through from his computer saying, “We have a job for you, and you must save the universe.” “Can’t you get someone else? It’s my signing on day. I have to telephone about my DLA application.” moaned Dave. “You have to do it. No one else will be able.” the computer boomed. Just then the details printed from the computer. “Fancy coming along Bob“, said Dave.” May as well the there’s nothing on the tele.” He went off to get changed; reappearing dressed as a French maid. “This is difficult“, said Dave talking to Bob who had now reappeared’ I’m going to need the most finely honed mind telepathic mind in the known universe. I’m going to see Mad Malk from South Stanley. He’ll be in the betting shop.” he hesitated,” If he can’t help, all will be lost.” As this was an emergency he decided to use his fake mobility sticker, and park in the supermarket car park. It was bloody hard to get parked some days. Anyway sometimes in order to save the universe, a member of the intergalactic defense force must use a fake mobility sticker to park in a supermarket car park. Whatever it takes, that was his motto. It was a long and arduous drive, made even more so by the shortage of sweets in the glove compartment. At last they arrived and he peaked in the nearest disabled parking spot. He told Bob to stay in the car: which was a fiat panda: and try to look inconspicuous: or as inconspicuous as a grey alien can when dresses as a French maid. But it had to be said, he was glad that he had the considerable advantage of being in the world’s most unnoticeable car, the fiat panda.
Dave walked down the street looking at the market stall holders as he went. He thought my god if mad Malk isn’t here I’ll have to try his house, or the pub: I’ll try the pub he thought, after a few pints I’ll try his home, after all this is no time to let my fitness lapse. Just then someone interjected, “Hey Dave I got those big Y fronts you wanted: I had to order them” Dave paid the man “Great, the world’s finest underwear. Makes women swoon. A Y- front man is a real man.”, said Dave taking the bag with them in, thinking how lucky he was, he wouldn’t want to save the universe without his Y-fronts. He had done it before but never again. It is important to be prepared. He strolled down the road walking towards the betting shop. He knew this was the most likely location for Mad Malk, world’s greatest telepathic mind, seer, ovate, mage and regular winner of the black horse dart competition. He stopped to buy a pie before strolling into the betting shop. There stood Mad Malk, he stood there wearing jogging bottoms, trainers and a cardigan. .” Hello“, said Malk. “I see your are in good shape, I’ve gained 2 stone’, said Dave proudly “You don’t get a body like this by accident” he proclaimed patting his enormous stomach. ’’Well done“, said Mart patting Dave on the back. “You don’t realize how difficult it is. Someone like you eats a pie, you gain a pound. But for someone like me I have to make a real effort. It’s going to be very hard for me to gain more weight. The only way I can see to bulk up more is to get a mobility scooter: cut down on the walking. That would be a big effort for me, because I like a nice walk down to the chip shop of a night.” “Don’t sacrifice too much. You deserve a good life. Keep the walks down to the chip shop. You’re fine as you are.’ said Malk. “Okay so you have need have my services“, said Malk. “That’s right“, said Dave. “I’ll need a lift home“, spoke Malk. “It’s alright. I’ve got the car. Bobs in it too. He likes a look out now and then.” They drove to Mad Malks place, it was unusual: as it had a spell cast upon it. It was there. You would see it. But have no interest upon entering from his garden gate at all: or form the back. It was impregnable to the attention of anyone not already knowing it was there. Unless you where delivering junk mail, in which you would have a peculiar interest. Malk’s house even got junk mail from other countries. But all that energy had go somewhere. It did mean however that his mail never got lost; in fact most of the time it arrived before it had been sent. It did mean he had to be exceptionally good at D.I.Y. as tradesmen could never find it. Getting things delivered was a problem. He was lucky though as Dave would take delivery of things for him, in return for an occasional favor. Malk quite liked doing favors for Dave: it made his life more interesting. Malk opened his gate and they all walked in.
Even after all this time Bob was still surprised. As an alien Bob seemed somehow less prepared than even a human would be for magic. This was surprising as grey aliens rely on things many would regard as magic as a matter of routine. Dave walked inside without surprise. This is hardly unusual since he discovered Malk the very same moment he discovered him: quite a feat when pitted against someone of Malk’s considerable occult power. Malk ushered them towards the settee and they sat down as Malk shut the door, with a bang. “Well I’ll have to get my runes out. “, said Malk. “Filthy Bugger” muttered Bob. “Do you have any tarot cards” said Dave. ”Almost: happy families.” “Happy Families, it’s really dark and mysterious.” “It’s not the cards; it is what you do with them. Sympathetic magic I could use anything really. Anyway tarot cards give me the willies.” muttered Malk. “Well“, said Dave. ”I need your help.
I need to save the galaxy. No one told me how”
Luckily important minervian information unlike humans is always made readily available and easy to find. “We place important information everywhere.” explained Dave “However as this is Earth it will be encoded.” “You can’t unencode it”, enquired Malk. “I would ordinarily use a group of minervians, of which I would be one. But I believe if you look at it too I will probably be able to read it.” “Where is it?” “It’s here”, said Dave taking out his new Y fronts. Mad Malk stared intently at the label. “How much? You know there’s this place down the road.” said Bob. “Well perhaps this” and he took out a beer mat. Both Dave and Mad Malk concentrated deeply: bring their incredible cognitive powers to bear on the situation. “I can read it.”, said Dave “and you’re coming with me. We must visit the old ones. We must visit the old ones: we must travel to Liverpool. “They hurried back to the car. “But it will take
