“Ansel.” My voice broke.
“It’s okay, sis.” Ansel’s smile remained brittle. His eyes slid over to Bryn, full of regret. I felt cold, remembering his words in the Academy courtyard.
“All I am is less than what I was. And I can’t ever be more. Eventually Bryn will realize that. And she’ll leave. It will be for the best.”
My limbs trembled as I grasped for any other options. My father’s steady gaze weighed on me. A part of me knew he was right, as was Anika. The Keepers twisted everything in their world. The earth should be rid of any traces of their influence. It wasn’t the thought of forever living as a wolf that I feared. That possibility felt strange, but somehow exhilarating. The wildness of that life called to the deepest parts of my soul. And I knew my father, Mason, and Nev were already yielding to that call.
But another part of me was breaking, defeated. Had we come this far only to lose so much? I couldn’t imagine a life without Ansel running at my side. He was my packmate, my brother. He belonged with us. And with Bryn.
She was crying, reaching for Ansel even as he moved away from her, shaking his head.
“Wait.” Sabine broke out of Ethan’s embrace, striding toward Anika. The Searchers behind her drew their swords and blocked her path. Ethan swore and aimed his crossbow at them.
“Oh, please.” Sabine rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to attack you. I just want to ask a question.”
Anika raised her eyebrows.
“When Ansel told us how Guardians were made, he said you wouldn’t do that for him.”
“That’s right,” Anika said. “It violates our code. We won’t destroy a wolf to make a Guardian.”
Sabine took a deep breath. “What if you weren’t destroying a wolf?”
Ethan slowly lowered his crossbow. “Sabine, no.”
She ignored him, her gaze moving to Ansel. “What if it was given freely?”
I stared at her. She couldn’t be offering what I thought she was. Could she?
“I don’t understand,” Anika said.
Ansel’s eyes widened. “You would do that?”
She nodded, but looked back at Anika. “If it’s possible.”
Ethan shoved his way to Sabine’s side. “Stop this. It’s too much.”
“This isn’t your decision.” Sabine put her hand on his chest.
He folded his hands over hers but didn’t stop her when she turned to Anika.
“If you took the essence of the wolf from me,” Sabine said, her voice unwavering, “could you give it to Ansel?”
“Yes.” Anika gave her a long, measured look. “But only if it is of your own free will.”
Ansel was trembling, his face full of hope and fear.
“Oh, Sabine,” Bryn whispered.
Ethan turned Sabine to face him. “Wait.”
“Are you that desperate to get rid of me?” Sabine smiled wryly.
“Hell no.” His fingers dug into her upper arms, as if he were afraid to let go. “You think I’d let you get away if I had a choice?”
“Then why are you still arguing with me?” she asked.
“Because I don’t want you to do this for me,” he said. “I can’t ask that.”
“I’m not doing this for you.” She stretched up to kiss him gently. “You’re just a bonus.”
Ethan threaded his fingers through hers. “Are you sure?”
“Going back to Vail,” she said. “Pretending I belonged there. It reminded me that I will never be happy in that life.”
“That life is over,” I said. “The Keepers are gone now.” As much as I wanted my brother’s wolf restored, I needed to know Sabine could find happiness without the pack.
“I know, Calla,” she said. “And I’ve made my choice.”
Nev reached for Sabine, pulling her into an embrace. “Is this what you really want?”
She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder.
“We’ll miss you,” Nev said, kissing her on the cheek.
Sabine turned around, facing Anika. “It is of my own free will. Take the wolf from me and make Ansel a Guardian again.”
Bryn threw herself at Sabine, hugging her and sobbing.
“Oh, stop,” Sabine growled, but her eyes were glistening too. “You’re making a scene.”
Anika motioned to Tess. “We’ll need an Elixir for this task.”
Tess nodded, threading her way through Searchers and out of the library.
The Arrow scanned the assembled pack. “And if we do this, you’ll agree to the sealing of the Rift?”
My father and I exchanged a look.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Shay beat me to it.
“No.”
Anika and I both stared at him in shock.
“Why?” Anika asked.
Shay slowly shook his head, casting an apologetic glance in my direction. “There’s something else. Something I need to know before I agree to this.”
Anika stared at him, waiting.
“The Guardians will be wolves again,” he said.
Anika nodded.
His gaze hardened when it locked with mine. “But what happens to me?”
My pulse jumped as Anika went pale. I began to shiver, realizing why Shay had asked. He hadn’t been born a wolf; I’d turned him.
When I’d imagined spending the rest of my life as a wolf, Shay had been with me. It had never crossed my mind that when we left our human forms behind, Shay’s origins might mean he couldn’t follow.
But did he want to follow? Was his objection because he wouldn’t choose life as a wolf?
Anika still hadn’t answered him.
“I’m a wolf too,” he said. “But I wasn’t always.”
She nodded, still uneasy.
“What will happen to me when the Rift is sealed?”
I glanced at the faces of my Searcher companions. Connor, Ethan, and Adne were all watching Anika. I couldn’t find any clues about the answer in their expressions.
Anika gripped the medallion at her neck and sighed. “I’m sorry, Shay.”
Shay swallowed hard. “Why?”
“Because we simply don’t know.”
THIRTY
“HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?” Shay’s teeth were clenched.
Anika held her ground, despite Shay’s glare. “We had no way of anticipating that you would be turned by a Guardian alpha.”
She glanced in my direction, making me wince.
“You were born human,” she said. “My guess is that you will remain with us.”
“Not a wolf,” he whispered. “Are you sure?”
Something inside me began to scream.
“How can you say that?” Mason said. “He’s a wolf. He’s one of us now.”
Nev nodded, gazing at Shay. “You’ve always been a wolf, man. The change was just a technicality.”
“Is that true?” Shay asked Anika. “Could I become a wolf instead?”
“When the Rift is sealed, you’ll become your true self,” Anika said. “That is the only answer we can give you.”
“I—” Shay’s voice faltered.
“Shay.” Sarah came forward, sliding her arm around his shoulders. “You know this must be done.”
He looked at his mother. Her eyes were kind, full of love.
My heart thudded, a heavy weight in my chest. If Shay remained human, he would be able to stay with her. To know the parents who’d been stolen from him. He would have a new life.
But I wouldn’t have the mate I longed for, hunting with me, leading our pack.
As if my thoughts drew his gaze, Shay’s eyes were on me. “Calla?”
I forced myself to swallow the hard lump in my throat. “Anika is right.” He flinched like my words hurt him, but he nodded.
Anika bowed her head. “Thank you.”
Shay didn’t answer.
“Wait a sec,” Connor said. “If Sabine could choose to be human, can’t all the Guardians stay human too?”
“Sabine gave her wolf esse
nce to Ansel,” Anika said. “If the others chose a human life, it would mean we would have to destroy the part of them that remains ever a wolf.”
I shuddered. “Like the Keepers did to Ansel.”
She nodded.
“But you’d be human,” Connor said. “So—glass half full, right?”
“Dude,” Nev said. “You have obviously never been a wolf.”
“Sabine wanted to stay human,” Connor said.
“It’s different for me,” Sabine said with a shudder. “Pack life didn’t mean to me what it means to the others.”
“You saw Ansel after his wolf was destroyed,” I said. “It destroyed him, too. The wolf is who we are. There is no choice here.”
Ethan frowned at Sabine. “Will it hurt you?”
“Physically, yes,” she said. “I know it will be painful. But this is what I want. Ansel’s wolf was taken violently from him. He’s been grieving a stolen life. I’m choosing to become only human. It’s different.”
“And you all feel like Ansel?” Connor asked. “You’d rather be wolves?”
“We’re a pack,” Mason said. “We belong in the wild.”
“But what about your singing?” Adne was looking at Nev.
“What do you think howling is?” Nev grinned.
“I guess I don’t get it,” Connor said.
“I would never expect you to,” I said. “But if you could run with us, hunt with us. If the moon called you into the forest at midnight . . . then you would know how we feel.”
Connor looked at me, still puzzled, but I was watching Shay. His eyes were shadowed. I walked over to him.
“But you do,” I whispered. “You understand.”
He nodded, threading his fingers through mine. His grip was so tight it hurt. “I remember the first night after you turned me. We hunted under the moon. We ran for miles and I never felt tired. There is nothing on this earth like it.”
I stood facing him, letting memories slide over me. My mate. My alpha. I didn’t want to race through the woods without him at my side. But what I wanted paled in the face of what had to happen. I’d made the choice to follow my heart, to pursue forbidden love, but neither Shay nor I had a choice now.
“I’m sorry,” I said at last, leaning my head against his neck. “But we have to do this.”
“I know,” he said. He cupped my chin in his hand and kissed me.
“Anika?” Tess was standing beside a woman wearing a deeply cowled blue robe that shimmered like the surface of the sea when she bowed to the Arrow. A throng of curious Searchers and Guardians, some in wolf form, others human, had filled the library, pressing in on us.
Anika extended her hand to the Elixir. “Thank you for coming, Miriam.”
As Sabine and Ansel made their way toward the Elixir, I slipped through the crowd until I reached Shay.
When I touched his arm, he gave me a thin smile, quickly looking back toward the activity nearby. “Quite the sacrifice Sabine’s making.”
“It is,” I said. “I think she’s right. She’ll be happier this way.”
“Happier,” he said quietly.
“How are you?” I asked.
“I really don’t know,” he said. “I can’t decide what to feel—maybe that’s for the best.”
Then he looked at me again, this time holding my gaze. “How about you?”
“I’m afraid.” I took his hand. I’d never said that before. But it was the truth. I was about to lose Shay and I was terrified. “If we had any choice . . .”
“I know.” He leaned in to kiss me. “I know, Calla. You don’t have to apologize. I don’t want you to.”
He wrapped me in his arms as we watched Miriam instruct Ansel and Sabine to join hands. The Elixir rested the tips of her fingers against each of their temples. She began to murmur. A quiet but rapid river of sound flowed from her lips.
Sabine gasped. Ethan moved toward her, but Connor pushed him back.
“You have to let her do this alone,” Connor said.
Ethan gritted his teeth, paling as Sabine’s gasp became a scream. Ansel was breathing hard, but he didn’t seem to be in pain the way Sabine was. Sabine screamed again, dropping to her knees. In the same moment Ansel cried out, but his cry became a howl. Where a boy had been standing a minute before, a young wolf now shook its muzzle.
“It is done.” Miriam bowed to Anika.
“Sabine!” Ethan shoved his way past curious onlookers to reach her. She was still on her knees, her body trembling.
She put her hand up. “I’m okay. I’ll be okay.” But she didn’t resist as he picked her up, cradling her in his arms.
A bronze-furred wolf bolted from among the Searchers, barreling into Ansel. Bryn yipped and jumped around him, pawing at him and licking his muzzle. Two more wolves jumped through the crowd. Nev and Mason gave playful nips and barked as they circled Ansel. The huddled group soon looked only like a blur of wagging tails.
“You should go to them,” Shay said. “You’re their alpha.”
I turned in his arms. “So are you.”
“Not anymore.” His smile was broken as he shook his head. “If I ever really was.”
“Shay—”
“Just go.” He pulled away from me, disappearing into the crowd of Searchers behind us.
Resigning myself to our suddenly diverging paths, I shifted forms and ran to join my packmates.
Ansel! I wormed in between Mason and Nev to nuzzle my brother.
I can’t believe it. Ansel yipped, spinning in a circle. I just can’t believe it.
It wouldn’t have been the pack without you. I bit his ear gently. Nobody else is as fun to boss around.
When Nev suddenly whimpered, I pivoted and saw Sabine standing nearby. She was still leaning against Ethan, watching us.
Ansel shifted into human form and went to her.
“Feel good?” She smiled and it almost reached her eyes.
He nodded. “Are you okay?”
“I will be,” she said.
Ansel shyly stretched his arms out toward her. She laughed and fell into the hug.
“Thank you.” He squeezed her tight. “I owe you everything.”
“Make Bryn happy,” Sabine said. “I kind of like her.”
Ansel smiled, but then gave a stern look at Ethan. “Speaking of that, if I ever hear you’ve broken her heart, I will hunt you down.”
Ethan grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Anika appeared beside us and my joyful mood drained away. Shay stood next to her, his eyes resolved.
“It’s time.”
I took Shay’s hand as we walked to the fireplace.
My father fell into step beside me.
“I’m taking the pack outside,” he said. “I don’t think we should be confined when the transformation happens.”
I nodded.
“I understand if you want to stay closer.” He glanced at Shay. “But don’t wait too long.”
“I know.”
“You’re going to leave before it’s over?” Shay asked as my father shifted forms and loped to the crumbled wall. The other wolves began to trail after him, congregating on the snowy grounds outside Rowan Estate.
“I won’t leave,” I said. “But I’ll have to keep my distance. Wolves who feel cornered are dangerous. If I stay inside—”
He cut me off. “I understand.”
Nev, Mason, Bryn, and Ansel loped across the room, shifting into human form beside Shay.
“You should go with my father,” I said. “It isn’t safe for us to stay here.”
“Sure,” Mason said, sliding his arm around Shay. “But did you think we’d leave without saying good-bye?”
“For now,” Ansel mumbled, staring at the floor. “Good-bye for now.”
“We’re pulling for you, man.” Nev clasped Shay’s hand. “Team Wolf!”
Shay managed a smile. “Thanks.”
“No matter what happens, take care of yourself.” Mason pulled Shay into a
hug.
“I will,” Shay said.
Nev gave Shay a quick nod before he and Mason shifted back into wolf form, leaving us with Bryn and Ansel.
Bryn couldn’t manage to say anything. She kept looking at me and at Shay, sniffling and wiping her eyes. She tried to get words out but couldn’t catch her breath between sobs. Finally she threw up her hands, grabbed Shay, and kissed him on the cheek. Then she shifted into a bronze wolf and bolted away from us.
Ansel’s hands were shoved in his pockets. He kicked the floor, shaking his head.
“You deserve to be with the pack more than I do.”
“Don’t be an ass.” Shay pulled Ansel into a hug. “You’re right where you should be.”
Ansel gripped Shay tight, murmuring something too low for me to hear. Shay gave him a weak smile.
“I’ll see you soon,” Ansel said to me. And then he was bounding away from us.
Shay was watching me closely. I raised my eyebrow at the strange expression etched on his face. He looked like he was trying not to laugh.
“What did he say to you?”
“He said I couldn’t stay with the Searchers.” Shay grinned. “Because I’m the only one who can keep you from picking on him.”
“I do not pick on him,” I said, returning his smile. “Unless he deserves it.”
“Shay!” Anika called to us from in front of the fireplace.
“I guess I can’t put this off any longer.” Shay began to turn away.
I grasped his arm, pulling him back. I stretched my arms around his neck, molding my body against his. When I kissed him, I let everything I’d ever held back pour into my embrace. I needed Shay to know what I felt, what I wanted, why I was so afraid of letting him go. His hands slid up my back, pressing into my shoulder blades.
I let my mouth linger on his, until I had to pull away.
He traced the shape of my lips with his fingers. “Thank you for saving me.”
“I didn’t save you,” I said. “You were the one who banished the Harbinger.”
He leaned in, brushing a soft kiss against my mouth. “I wasn’t talking about today.”
The gazes of the assembled Searchers were fixed on Shay as we walked together to meet Anika.
“You’ll need the Elemental Cross.” She gestured to the swords on Shay’s back.
Bloodrose Page 29
