by Nina Levine
Even if that involved some pain.
After the phone call I’d had from my mother that afternoon, my soul was alive with pain and in my experience, the only thing to dull pain, was more pain. Different pain. And although I’d never had it from him before, I knew Havoc could give that to me.
“Hurt me,” I said as his gaze lingered on my throat.
His head jerked up and our eyes met again. “What did you just say?”
“I said, hurt me.”
No emotion flashed across his face. He simply continued to look at me through those hard, flat eyes of his. “The last thing you want is for me to even contemplate that.”
Even his voice was flat.
Hard.
Cold.
Perfect.
“That’s where you’d be wrong, Havoc.” I straightened. “It’s the only thing I want you to contemplate.” It was all I’d thought about while he’d been gone that afternoon. Before this thing with him was over, I wanted a piece of that side of him.
He watched me some more. I could almost hear his brain ticking over.
Right as I was beginning to think he wouldn’t do it, he wrapped his hand around my throat. His fingers dug into my skin and his grip threatened to close off the air from my lungs. Flat eyes continued to bore into mine. “How much pain do you want?”
Pain radiated down my neck as his thumb dug in harder, and I gasped for breath. My head began to throb as well, and all I could do was welcome it. “As much as you want to give me.” I barely choked out the words because his grip restricted my ability to talk.
Something flickered in his eyes right at the time the vein in his temple twitched. Whatever it was, though, was gone as fast as it appeared. However, the vein twitched again and he clenched his jaw. With one last squeeze of my throat, he let me go. A mutter of, “Fuck,” escaped his lips, and then he ripped off his shirt.
As I sucked air back into my lungs, I watched the rapid rise and fall of his chest, taking in the way his muscles were carved into perfection. When his hands moved to the button on his jeans, my gaze willingly followed, and desire pooled in my belly as he revealed his cock to me. I wasn’t fussy where cocks were concerned, but after having Havoc’s, that could be called into question. He was well endowed and knew how to use it, and I was more than a little concerned that all future men I slept with would not be able to meet the standard he set.
My focus was distracted while thinking about his talents and assets, so he surprised me when he yanked me to him. Our bodies slapped together and his hands grasped me with a roughness that caused more desire to shoot through me.
“I’m not sure where the fuck you got the idea that I’m a man who likes to inflict pain on a woman during sex, so I’m only going to say this once.” His eyes were no longer flat. They had a wildness to them that thrilled me. “Never ask me to do that again. I’m more than happy to dominate you during sex, but I will never, never hurt you. Have I made myself clear?”
I didn’t reply.
I knew he had it in him to give me what I wanted, so I couldn’t figure out why he refused.
“Have I made myself clear?” His voice was harder, growlier this time, and it caused me to flinch.
“Why?”
He scowled. Loosening his hold on me he spun me around in his embrace so my back was to his front. His arms tightened around me and his mouth moved to my ear. “I like it rough and I like it dirty, but no fuckin’ way am I gonna do what you’re asking. Now tell me you understand, because if you push me for this, I’m walking out of this room right fuckin’ now and never coming back.”
My request had worked him up and my instincts told me to let it go. I was pretty sure Havoc walked a tightrope between good and bad, and as much as I wanted pain from him, I knew deep in my gut that I didn’t want him to snap and lose his control.
I nodded. “I understand.”
“Good.”
He didn’t let me go and he didn’t move. His arms remained in place around me and his face remained close to mine. I could hear his heavy breaths. They matched mine.
They blared his inner struggle with this.
I hated that I did that to him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wishing I’d never brought this up. Somehow, I’d misread him.
His arms loosened a little and I felt him nodding. “Yeah.” His voice faded into the air around us and I figured he was still processing whatever thoughts and feelings my request had stirred. Havoc seemed to do more thinking than any man I’d ever known.
“Maybe we should call it quits for the night,” I suggested, even though it was the last thing I wanted.
He stilled. “Not fuckin’ likely to happen. Not when you’ve been naked for as long as you have and my dick is as hard as it is.” He paused for a moment before adding, “Unless you don’t want it.”
I expelled a long breath. “Havoc, I’m fairly certain that anytime you’re offering your cock, I’ll want it.”
His body relaxed a little against mine and one of his hands moved to cup my breast. I dropped my face to watch his fingers working my nipple. Havoc’s hands were one of my favourite parts of him. They were large and strong. Powerful. But to me, they were also safe. I always felt protected in his hold. It was a feeling I couldn’t even begin to understand, having not known him very long, but when his hands touched me, I had this unwavering sensation that no harm would come to me while with him.
I placed a hand over his, running my fingers over the chunky ring he wore to interlock our fingers. He wore two chunky rings, one on each hand, and a leather wrist cuff on his right wrist. He also wore a silver necklace with a yin yang pendant. It surprised me he wore all that jewellery because he was so masculine, but it only showed me further proof there was more to Havoc than met the eye.
As I laced my fingers through his, he sucked in a breath and slid his other hand down my body to run his finger through my heat. Groaning as he discovered my wetness, he pushed his finger deep inside me.
“Oh, God…” I laid my head back and rested it on his shoulder. Closing my eyes, I welcomed every drop of pleasure he gave me.
“You’re close, aren’t you?” His gravelly voice vibrated along my skin, carrying more bliss with it.
I bit my lip, not wanting to come yet, but knowing it wouldn’t be long. “Yes.”
“Don’t.” The command in his tone was clear and I blinked my eyes open.
“I can’t stop it, Havoc.” Even as I said the words, another pulse of pleasure rippled through my body, bringing me closer to the edge.
He stopped what he was doing and spun me around. “Breathe through it and hold it back.” Still so commanding.
My whole body was alive with need and his bossy tone only intensified my desire. Staring at him, I nodded, but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I was too busy focusing on my breathing to get any words out.
He took in my nod and then dropped his eyes to roam my body. When he bent his head so he could take one of my nipples into his mouth while at the same time pulling my body to his, I moaned. His hands gripped my ass and his teeth grazed my breast. I held onto him, digging my fingers into his waist. I wanted to take hold of his cock and pleasure him, but my mind was shutting down as I fought my release. All I could manage in that moment was to hold on tight and breathe.
Havoc’s breathing picked up as he sucked and licked and bit my breasts. And his grip on my ass tightened until suddenly, he let my breasts go and he lifted me into his arms. A moment later, he deposited me on the bed before removing the rest of his clothes.
“Lie on your back,” he ordered as he moved over me.
Positioning his legs between mine, he slid his hand down my thigh and pulled my leg up to wrap around him. I instinctively did the same with my other leg. He kept that hand on my leg while his other hand was planted firmly on the bed next to me to hold him up. His eyes found mine right before he dipped his head to kiss me.
Rough.
Demanding.
&n
bsp; Bliss.
Havoc’s kiss tore a whimper from my lips as he took what he needed. His kiss was almost violent, as if he’d wrapped all his fury and frustration into it. I poured all my own confusion and hurt into the kiss, and we matched each other’s demand for more.
His lips bruised mine.
My nails clawed at his body.
His powerful frame threatened to crush me.
My legs squeezed his torso.
We kissed and we clung and we raged.
My body begged him to take the pain from my soul.
His body pleaded for me to let him dominate.
Breathless.
Passion.
Anger.
Need.
We gave each other everything we had to give.
And we took everything we could.
From a kiss.
A kiss that broke down our walls.
And crashed through our denials.
A kiss that told me this was so much more than sex.
Fuck.
Havoc knifed up.
Staring down at me through ravaged eyes, he rasped, “Fuck.”
He feels it too.
He knelt on the bed between my legs just staring at me, his eyes wild and breathing ragged.
I pushed up so I was sitting in front of him with my legs spread wide. Taking hold of his face, I begged, “Don’t stop now. I need you to fuck me.”
His gaze traced my face for the longest time while he slowed his breathing down. When he finally found my eyes again, he said, “What the fuck are we doing, Carla?”
I knew exactly what he was asking, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Not yet. I kept holding onto his face. “That’s not a question for tonight.” My words were an answer and they were also a plea.
Don’t think about this now.
Just think about fucking me.
Eventually, he nodded and moved off the bed. Reaching out to me, he took hold of my hand and pulled me to a standing position. And then he lifted me and carried me into the bathroom.
In one movement, he cleared the vanity of my beauty products into the top drawer, and sat me on the cleared space. “Wait there,” he directed before leaving me to go back into the other room. When he returned, he had a condom on and my core clenched at the thought that he was finally going to give me what I craved.
Standing in front of me, he said, “Put your hands around my neck.”
His voice was so raw.
Frayed.
Havoc was frayed.
I did as he said and he slowly raised my legs to rest them on his shoulders. I thanked God for all the hours I’d spent doing Pilates, especially when he put his arms around my lower back and pulled me closer to him.
And then he entered me.
Oh. God.
Divine pleasure hit me and my pussy pulsed around his cock.
He entered me slowly that first time.
The second time, he slammed into me hard.
The third, I was sure he was going to break me in half.
I clung to him while he lost himself.
If I’d thought he was frayed before, the act of fucking me only served to unravel him further. He grunted with each thrust, moving faster and faster towards his release. But it never seemed to get any closer.
I came fast, my mind shattering with white light as it drifted away from all thoughts of anything but pleasure. I knew Havoc continued to pound into me, and I still held onto him, but that was the only awareness I had. I hovered in that pleasure state for a long time.
He’d given me pleasure like I’d never experienced and if it was the last time we ever had sex, I wouldn’t care because this was everything.
This took the pain away.
I could breathe.
Joy.
The ache of rejection I always carried with me was gone.
Even if just for a short time, it was everything I wanted and needed.
Delivered to me by Havoc.
“Fuck!” He roared as he came.
My eyes flicked open to find a storm of emotion staring back at me. As he caught his breath and allowed the pleasure to ebb from his body, he held my gaze with those stormy eyes. We didn’t speak, simply watched.
When he was done, he pulled out of me and helped me down from the vanity before turning and walking out of the bathroom.
I watched him go.
Still no words passed between us, yet a tempest of feelings had been unleashed.
Closing the bathroom door so I could shelter alone in the shower, I closed my eyes briefly.
What the hell have we done?
15
Carla
I woke from a fitful sleep at four the next morning. Behind me, Havoc’s body pressed hard against mine and his arms wrapped me in a tight embrace.
As I tried to wiggle out of his hold, he said, “You’ve been talking in your sleep.”
They were the first words he’d said to me since he fucked me on the bathroom vanity. After I’d showered, I’d left the bathroom to find him gone from the room. Hurt had reached for me at his absence, but I’d pushed it aside. I’d shoved it away, not wanting to allow him any more space in my heart. Room I’d never wanted to make for him in the first place.
I’d gone to bed and fallen asleep fast. He’d worn me out both physically and emotionally.
I stilled in his arms. “What have I been saying?” I used to talk in my sleep a lot while growing up, but to my knowledge, I hadn’t done it in years.
“Random words mostly, but you’ve mentioned your father a few times.”
My heart rate slowed for a moment before picking up speed.
No.
I broke free of his embrace and sat on the edge of the bed. With my hands planted on the mattress either side of me, I hunched over and worked to get my breathing under control.
This isn’t happening.
Havoc shifted on the bed behind me and placed his hand on my lower back. “You kept repeating the word 'no,' over and over, Carla.” I heard the concern in his voice and his words inched their way into my heart.
I turned to face him. Although the room was dark, the first hint of sun filtered through the crack where the curtains met, and I could make out his features. “I’m sorry I never told you Nash was my brother. The last thing I want is for you to have club problems.”
He frowned. “You’re changing the subject.”
“No, I’m just continuing a conversation we started yesterday. I want you to know you were right. I should have told you.”
He stared at me as if I had two heads. Sitting up in the bed, he raked his fingers through his hair. “Fuck, a woman who can tell me I was right about something.”
A smile that didn’t reach my eyes spread across my lips. “Yeah, well don’t think it will happen too often. Usually men aren’t right.”
He chuckled, finally losing the serious expression he’d been wearing for far too long. “So I’ve been told, darlin’.” Reaching his arm out, he placed his hand on my forearm. “What’s with your father?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it, Havoc.”
“Babe, with the amount of mumbling you’ve been doing for the past few hours and the thrashing that went along with that mumbling, it seems to me that you need to talk about it.”
“I’ve been thrashing in the bed?”
“Why do you think I had you in such a strong hold? Damn near thought you were gonna knock me out at one point.”
I took a deep breath.
Shit.
He’s right.
“I’ve never met my father. He left my mother while she was pregnant with me. After they’d already had three other kids. Apparently, Mum got up one day and he’d left during the night.”
The concern I heard in his voice before appeared in his eyes as I shared that information. “He never came back?”
“Nope, never.” I paused for a moment. “That’s why Nash is so protective of me. He and my brother and sister helped rai
se me. He’s been like a father to me all my life, always looking out for me.”
“You’ve never been like this in your sleep the other times I’ve slept next to you. What’s happened to cause it?”
Expelling a long breath, I shared with him what my mother had told me on the phone the day before. “After all these years, my father has just recently contacted my mother. He wants to see us all.” My voice cracked as I added, “He wants to meet me.”
Havoc’s eyes searched mine. “Is your mother going to see him?”
Pain almost swallowed me at the thought of my mother having to deal with this. My father had shredded her once and she’d built herself back up, but on the phone I’d heard her agony. My mother was one of the most resilient women I knew, but after that phone call, I also knew my father had the ability to break her. “My mother only ever loved one man in her life, my father. Him leaving almost killed her from what I’ve been told by Nash. She’s told me she won’t see him again, but, fuck, men have this way of fucking women up and making us do things we swore we’d never do. I hope she sticks to her guns.”
He nodded and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse. “Yeah, men do have a knack of doing that.” It sounded like he was going to say more, but he cut himself off and gulped down some air.
We sat in silence for a while, each lost in our own thoughts, until he asked, “Do you want to see him?”
Torment sliced through me.
No.
Yes.
No.
I shook my head.
Vigorously.
“No, I don’t want to fucking see the man who chose to walk away from me before he even met me and who then chose to never have anything to do with me…” My words rushed out in an angry, breathless torrent that I had no control over.
The man who'd scored wounds into my heart that would never heal.
My breaths were coming hard and fast, and hatred wrapped my chest so tightly that I began to struggle for those breaths. Just as a fog of blackness settled over me, strong arms embraced me and pulled me against a warm body.
A body of protection.
I sank against him and let my tears fall as I recovered my breath.
