Kiss & Tell

by Layce Gardner

  “Oh! How exciting!” Allistair exclaimed. “I was always good at charades.”

  “Take this hand for instance,” One-Eyed Jack said, holding out his hand so only Allistair could see the cards. “What would you do to let Miss Wanda know what I’m holdin’?”

  Allistair knitted her eyebrows for a moment then smiled. She looked at Willy, licked her pinky finger and lightly ran it across her top lip.

  “I have no fuckin’ idea what that means,” Willy said.

  “How about this one?” Allistair said. She cleared her throat, ran a hand down her left arm, flicked her finger under her chin, made kissy lips then slapped her right hip.

  Willy shrugged. “You want me to steal second base?”

  “No!” Allistair said.

  “You’ve got ants in your pants?” Miss Kitty asked.

  “No!”

  “You want me to bunt?” Willy asked.

  “It’s not about baseball,” Allistair said.

  “You think you’re Helen Keller,” One-Eyed Jack asked. “No, wait, I know! You’re a traffic cop and it’s okay to make a right turn?”

  “He has a full house!” Allistair yelled. “I was trying to tell you he has a full house!”

  “Maybe we should leave the cheatin’ to One-Eyed Jack,” Willy said.

  Miss Kitty said, “You can’t yell it out like that, sweet pea. If you get caught cheatin’, you’ll have to go to jail.”

  “Or have a shoot out with the Sheriff,” One-Eyed Jack said.

  “That’s right. Every day One-Eyed Jack here gets caught cheatin’ at cards and has a shoot out with Sheriff Jeb. The tourists love it. It’s the highlight of the tour, ain’t that right, handsome?” Miss Kitty said.

  “That’s right, my little peach blossom,” One-Eyed Jack said. He leaned across the table and kissed Miss Kitty.

  “Hey,” Allistair said, “None of that. This is a G-rated family town.”

  One-Eyed Jack smiled and winked at Willy, “You ready to play for money?”

  “You sure you want to be giving me all your hard-earned nickels?” Willy asked.

  One-Eyed Jack laughed as he shuffled. “Five card draw, no limit and one-eyed Jacks are wild,” he said as he dealt the cards.

  Another One Bites The Dust

  Willy and Allistair emerged from the saloon bleary-eyed and smelling of cigar smoke. Willy was also fifty dollars richer. Well, she would be as soon as One-Eyed Jack forked over the cash. She blew a long stream of cigar smoke into the air.

  “How can you smoke those disgusting things? They smell nasty.” Allistair waved her hand in the air in front of her nose.

  “I don’t inhale,” Willy said.

  “Yeah, just like Bill Clinton,” Allistair said, as they traipsed down the boardwalk.

  Willy’s heel caught on a loose board and she tripped. It was the same loose board that she had tripped on the last time. As she tumbled down the wooden stairs, ass over teakettle, into the dusty street, she thought, “How the fuck could I trip on the same board twice?”

  Then the horrible pain shooting through her ankle and up her leg made her think, “Fuck me, that hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.” It hurt so badly she didn’t even notice that her dress was up around her neck and her pantaloons were on display.

  “Are you okay?” a very concerned Allistair asked.

  “No!” Willy yelled over her pain. “I am not fucking okay! My ankle is broken!”

  Allistair ran to Willy’s side and pulled her dress down.

  “Mother fucking piece of boardwalk shit!” Willy said, sitting up.

  “Are you sure it’s broken?”

  “No, I’m not sure,” Willy said through gritted teeth. “I don’t have an x-ray machine with me, do I?”

  “No need to be hateful,” Allistair said.

  “Sorry,” Willy said. “It just hurts so bad.”

  “Let me help you up. See if you can put any weight on it. Maybe it’s just twisted.”

  Allistair put Willy’s arm around her neck, lifted her to her feet, trying to support most of Willy’s weight.

  Willy cried out, “Fuck me!”

  “Hey, now, watch your language,” Sheriff Jeb said as he lurched down the street. “What’s going on here?”

  “She tripped,” Allistair said. “She fell down the stairs and twisted her ankle. It might even be broken.”

  “You need to fix that motherfucking loose board. It’s bit me twice now. You’re lucky I’m not the type who sues,” Willy said.

  “Well, fish in a bucket,” Sheriff Jeb said. “Let’s get you on over to Doc’s and let him have a look at it.” He hoisted Willy up and threw her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

  “Are my underpants showing?” Willy said.

  Allistair pulled Willy’s skirt down. “No.” She glanced over at Sheriff Jeb. “Are you sure you can carry her? The last thing she needs is for you to drop her on her head.”

  “She don’t weigh more than a feather,” Sheriff Jeb said. He led the way down the street and Allistair had to run to keep up.

  They hadn’t walked but a block when Allistair spied a shingle hung out over a door. It read, “Dr. D. Kay, DDS.” There was a picture of a tooth painted on the glass window. Sheriff Jeb opened the door and walked inside with Willy still hanging over his shoulder.

  “But this is a dentist’s office,” Allistair said.

  “He does all kinds of doctoring. You should’ve seen him reaching into Sally and pulling out that breech birth last week. He’s a real professional. A broke ankle is child’s play to him,” Sheriff Jeb said. He cupped his free hand around his mouth like a megaphone and shouted toward a big black curtain that was strung over a doorway, “Doc! You in? I brung you a new patient!”

  “So about this Sally,” Willy said, “Her and the baby are fine?”

  “Appears to be,” Sheriff Jeb said.

  “Maybe I could ask Sally for a reference? See what she has to say about a dentist delivering her child?” Willy said.

  “Sally’s a cow. You can ask her all you want, but she might not answer,” Sheriff Jeb said with a chuckle.

  “So, he’s a dentist, a vet, and a human doctor?” Allistair asked.

  “Yep. When we hired him on, we got three docs for the price of one.”

  “Um…I think I’m fine now,” Willy said. “You can put me down.”

  “Don’t worry. You’ll be okay,” Sheriff Jeb said, giving her a pat on the rump.

  “Please, don’t pat my ass,” Willy said.

  “Don’t get your feathers ruffled,” Sheriff Jeb said.

  “You sure this guy’s legit?” Allistair asked. “I don’t see any medical degrees on the wall. Don’t doctors usually hang their degrees?”

  “Don’t you worry none about Doc. When I had a little plumbing problem he fixed me right up,” Sheriff Jeb said.

  “He’s a plumber, too?” Allistair asked.

  “No. Least ways I don’t think so,” Sheriff Jeb said. “I meant my plumbing.” He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. “My plumbing. You know, my pipe.”

  “You smoke a pipe?” Allistair asked.

  “Fer Chrissakes,” Willy said. “He means his penis.”

  “Oh.” Allistair looked at Sheriff Jeb’s extra large package and winced. “And it’s okay now?”

  “Well, the swelling’s still there, but the ladies don’t seem to mind none,” he said.

  The curtain pulled aside, revealing a little shriveled man in a black suit and top hat. He smiled, showing that there wasn’t a single tooth in his entire head. “Whass goin’ on out here?” he lisped. He was clearly drunk as skunk.

  Willy looked over Sheriff Jeb’s shoulder and whispered, “Please God, tell me that’s not the doctor.”

  Doc bowed, almost toppled over, straightened up, and said, “Doc D. Kay, at your cervix.”

  “At my cervix?” Willy asked.

  “He means service,” Allistair said, adding under her breath, “I hope.”

  �
��Well, I’ll leave you all and let the Doc work his magic,” Sheriff Jeb said. He gently eased Willy to the floor. “It’s time for me to go shoot One-Eyed Jack.” He left, closing the door behind him.

  Willy stood on her good foot with the injured ankle raised in the air like a flamingo. She put one hand on Allistair’s shoulder for balance.

  Doc weaved a little then drew a bead on her. “Which tooth you want pulled?” he slurred.

  “She hurt her ankle,” Allistair said.

  “Okay dokey. Now, if you’ll come back to my orifice,” he said, pulling the curtain to one side, “we’ll take care of that tooth.”

  “It’s not my tooth. It’s my ankle,” Willy said. She hopped behind the curtain with Allistair’s help.

  “Sit down right here in this chair and let ol’ Doc have a look-see.”

  Willy sat in the chair. She looked around and pointed at a bucket near her feet. “Oh my God. Is that a bucket of teeth?”

  Doc quickly draped a cloth over the bucket. “Nope.”

  Willy looked wide-eyed at Allistair who looked equally nervous.

  Doc smiled at Allistair. “You might want to go do a little shopping while I take care of your friend. Sometimes it gets a wee bit gory back here and some females have been known to faint at the sight of blood.”

  “Why is there going to be blood?” Allistair asked.

  “Well, here’s the deal, some teeth when they come out bleed more than others. So I just can’t say.” He took a pair of vise grips off a nail on the wall.

  “It’s her ankle,” Allistair said. “She doesn’t need a tooth pulled.”

  “I know it’s kind of scary but it’ll only hurt for a moment,” the Doc said. He weaved toward Willy who appeared to be so scared she was frozen to the spot. “Open wide.”

  Allistair, thinking quickly, kicked the bucket of teeth in front of Doc. He tripped over the bucket and fell, spilling teeth in every direction. Allistair grabbed Willy by the hand and pulled her out of the chair. “Run, Willy, run!” she said.

  “I can’t run!” Willy said, “My ankle!”

  “Hop, Willy, hop!” Allistair said. She bent her right knee and gripped her ankle. “Like this! Hurry, hop!” She hopped toward the front door.

  Willy also grabbed her ankle and hopped after Allistair. They hopped through the front door, out onto the boardwalk, down the steps and into the street.

  Willy and Allistair hopped along side by side. After fifty feet of hopping, Willy said, “Is he chasing us?”

  Allistair looked over her shoulder. “No. I think he passed out when he fell.”

  “Can I stop hopping then?”

  Allistair let go of her foot and nodded. “I think so.”

  Willy stopped hopping. She threw her arm over Allistair’s shoulders, leaned on her and gingerly walked toward Miss Havisham’s house.

  “Thanks for saving me back there,” Willy said. “That Doc was certifiable.”

  “Ain’t that the tooth?” Allistair said.

  Willy grinned.

  “It was a tooth or consequences type situation,” Allistair said.

  Willy shook her head, smiling. “Okay, you can stop with the jokes now.”

  “Tooth or dare?” Allistair said.

  High Tea

  Miss Havisham strode into the bedroom with a first aid kit under her arm. She sat on the bed next to Willy, opened the kit, and extracted an Ace bandage, two pills, and an ice pack. “That drunk quack didn’t get one of your teeth, did he?”

  Willy shook her head. “Allistair saved me.” She smiled at Allistair. “I was a damsel in distress.”

  “Yeah, you should’ve seen me,” Allistair said from her perch on the other side of the bed. “I kicked the bucket.” She waited expectantly for a response. When she didn’t get one, she said again, “The bucket of teeth, get it? I kicked the bucket?”

  “I’ve created a monster,” Willy said with a sigh. She dry-swallowed the two aspirin Miss Havisham handed her. Maybe she shouldn’t have tried to cultivate Allistair’s sense of humor. It was turning out to be terribly corny.

  “Now, let’s have a look at your busted ankle,” Miss Havisham said. She prodded Willy’s ankle with a gentle touch. Willy had been expecting her bedside manner to be more Nurse Ratched-y; instead she was surprisingly gentle. “Ah good, it’s not broken. Only twisted. Nothing a wee bit of ice and aspirin won’t cure. You can prop it up for a few hours and you’ll be up and around tomorrow morning good as new.”

  “You mean I’m going to be bed-ridden the rest of today?” Willy said. She’d never been a good sick person. Especially when there was no TV or Facebook.

  “I’ll take care of you, no worries,” Allistair said. She grabbed a pillow and placed it under Willy’s ankle.

  “How about a bit of high tea. How does that sound?” Miss Havisham asked.

  “High tea?” Willy asked, thinking she could do with a cup of tea but what did the high part mean—like marijuana tea? She didn’t want to imagine Miss Havisham high. She was freaky enough in her cobwebby old dress without being stoned.

  “It’s tea with little cakes or sandwiches,” Allistair explained.

  How did Allistair know all this stuff? Was being an advice columnist like having a Master’s degree in everything? Willy was becoming increasingly impressed with Allistair. She was like a treasure trove of trivia. Not only was she nice to look at, but she was interesting as well. Maybe it was time to up her standards. She needed a girlfriend that was more than just a rockin’ hot bod. Somebody like Allistair. She had the tits and ass aplenty, but she also had the brains.

  “Tea sounds good,” Willy said. “As long as it’s with you.” She gulped. She couldn’t believe that came out of her mouth. That was the single most romantic thing she’d ever said to anybody.

  Allistair didn’t seem to notice Willy’s faux pas. She only smiled and said, “Miss Havisham, we would love to have high tea.”

  Miss Havisham opened the door, saying, “I’ll be back soon.”

  Ernest darted into the room just as Miss Havisham was leaving. He leapt up on the bed and looked at Willy. “Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.”

  “Fuck you,” Willy said.

  “Pardon me?” Allistair said.

  “Not you. I was talking to the cat.”

  “Oh, and that’s so much better.”

  “I came to warn you, human. I sense something is going to happen and you need to be prepared,” Ernest said.

  “So now you’re a fortune teller?” Willy said, dismissively.

  “Animals can sense impending storms, earthquakes, and hurricanes. Why couldn’t I sense a disaster of human proportions?”

  “You have a point,” Willy said. “So, what’s going to happen? What should I do to prepare for this impending calamity?”

  Ernest turned his back to her and began to groom his privates.

  “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” Willy said.

  “It helps me think,” Ernest replied.

  As if to prove Ernest’s prediction correct, there was a loud knock at the bedroom door.

  “Now, who could that be?” Allistair said. She opened the door, revealing Antonio. He burst into the room, pushing Allistair aside. He dramatically fell to his knees in front of Willy, bowed his head and held out a bouquet of six beautiful red roses, saying, “For my one true love.”

  “What the fuck?” Willy said. She was gob-smacked. What had she done to make this Zorro wannabe single her out for his misguided affection? She looked over at Allistair who had turned a light shade of pink. She grinded her teeth and glared at Antonio.

  “She’s a lesbian, you bone-head,” Allistair said. She picked up a pillow and whacked him with it. “Get away from her.”

  Antonio looked at Willy with big puppy dog eyes. “Love knows no labels. I have found my soul mate.”

  “You only met her today!” Allistair said.

  The door opened, revealing Miss Havisham holding a tea tray. She stared at Anto
nio. “What in the hell are you doing here?” She put the tray on the bed. “Are those my roses? Did you pluck those from my garden?”

  Antonio tossed the roses onto Willy’s lap and rose to his feet. “Do not despair my love, I shall return,” he said, bowing deeply and sweeping his hat across the floor. He whistled shrilly between his teeth. With one fluid motion, he turned to the open window and jumped out.

  “Oh my God!” Willy and Allistair yelled in unison.

  Allistair ran to the window and looked out. “He’s okay. He landed on the back of his horse. The horse must be trained to come to his whistle. He’s riding away now.” She turned to look at Willy. “That was incredible. I’ve never seen that except in western movies.”

  “Someday he’s going to break his neck doing that stunt,” Miss Havisham said.

  “He’s done this before?” Willy asked.

  “Oh, he gets a fire in his underpants over a girl every now and again. Always trying to impress her, he is,” Miss Havisham said. “Enjoy your tea, ladies.” She left the room, quietly closing the door behind her.

  Allistair turned from the window and said, “I don’t like that man. There’s something not quite right about him.”

  Willy said, “Forget about him. Come sit down and have high tea with me.”

  Allistair smiled and sat on the bed beside Willy. She poured the tea.

  Willy watched the graceful way Allistair filled the cups. She was like no other woman Willy had ever been interested in. She was beginning to think maybe being laid up wasn’t going to be so bad. Not if it meant some alone time with Allistair.

  She’d take what she could get.

  Wet Willy

  The next day was opening day for Ghost Town, U.S.A. and the town was flooded with tourists. Allistair had never seen so many Hawaiian shirts and white gym socks with sandals in her life.

  Allistair sat on a barstool sipping her ginger ale and eating peanuts from the bowl on the bar. She watched Willy play poker with the boys. Willy’s ankle was doing much better—she had gotten up this morning and was able to walk around with only a slight limp.